posted June 06, 2007 09:43 AM              

I grew up in such an unstable home that it was hard to find myself or know myself. I always felt somewhat tainted. Me and my sisters all moved out of our home at a young age, because it was to much to handle. My mother never saw anything wrong with this, or with our upbringing. Me and my sisters are still completely baffled at her selfishness.

I chose to remain distant from her. She made me worse as a person. I decided to let go and not try at a relationship. And I feel great about it ( no regrets ). I still talk to her once in awhile. But I do not let her close to me. U never know one day she may change. But she has been that way for about 20 years, so i'm not gonna hold my breathe.

posted June 06, 2007 12:24 PM              

My mother has the attitude that "people will always come back to her". My father, me, anyone. He still hankers after her and says sadly that he still doesn't understand why she would never go out with him. When I hint that he must still love her, she just smiles . She said to me that she never thought he was handsome. She's as cold a fish as they make them, a spoiled brat who likes everything to revolve around her. (no, no, must be nice - promised myself I would not get revved up again).

I think it's time, at the age I am now (33) to break that conception. Since last night, having been flooded with thoughts coming out of nowhere, I've realized that I do not need to tell my mother everything; yup, I am an adult and she is my mother, inasmuch as we could be orang-utans in zoos.

I am a Pisces Moon. Dono if that creates clinginess in myself. I am aware that Pisces Moons do tend to have issues with their mothers, and have difficulty breaking free.

I read Life Before Death by Colin Fry last night, and it did what no-one else, not counselling, not any other self-help book had ever done for me in my life. Recently I had something of a preoccupation with death and people's attitudes to it...still have. I was feeling suicidal at one point and when I thought of my mother, thought "it's either her or me that's going to throw in the towel first", as I was feeling so much pain and as if she didn't care. Now, I don't, and boy oh boy, did that book come at the right time, because I was getting migraines and feeling as though I was going mad.

The book is very accessibly written, sincere, and full of good sense - absolutely no BS. I came to the end and cried my heart out, and after that was completely exhausted because of the sudden release of energy; literally, I was weak at the knees, my legs coudln't move. I did a bit of that old chestnut, creative visualization, imagining my mother shrinking to the size of a full stop, and to be honest, I didn't even have any desire to swat that full stop, because it couldn't threaten me any more.

First hurdle over; putting her in a place where she couldn't threaten me. The second challenge was to get rid of negative feelings that had accumulated due to interaction with her. So I imagined those feelings being part of that full stop...I mentally gave them back to her. The giving back is harder, but it will come.

My dad currently has viral pneumonia, as I found out by chance when I rang him up about a week ago (my parents do not live together). I will probably go and visit him shortly, but not her, although they live in the same area, because she never makes any effort to visit anybody else.

Although my dad has done some wrong-headed things in his life I want to cheer him on. I look at him and think about how much he has changed in the last ten years. He used to be very materialistic. Now he is quite happy not being a homeowner at all, and is far more relaxed doing the things he enjoys. He is a man of few words, but they do often make sense, and a lot of people like him. "You won't change her," he said of my mother. And I think that about sums it up.

Thank you for listening!!

Xena

posted June 06, 2007 01:41 PM              

I can strongly relate to your post and I haved lived a life simular to that. Some parents are just TOXIC and the greatest act of self love, for some, is walking away from the family. This also helps in reclaiming your life.

In April, just after my birthday, I became one proud orphan and I gave my mother and "her family" their walking papers. I got fed up with being treated very poorly and like I didn't exist. They didn't answer the phone when I call, or if I call they can't talk. The other family members seem to take top priority in my mother's life. I am a single mother to a special need child and my family had strongly refused to EVER help me - yet my mother would look after my stepbriother's kids, in a heart beat.

So, sick and tired of all the emotional pain I was suffering (I am also an Aries), I sent her an email truthfully telling her where I stood with things. She didn't like what I had to say and tried to get my stepsister to get in the fight. I deleted the email and told sis that I never want to hear from her again.

I figure this is my gift to them - if my mother and her family wants to live their lives how they are doing - then so be it - I will not have any part of their life. I refuse to be around people who have no interest in me, who have no respect for me, have no cares for me. (I could wind up in emergency seriously sick and nobody in that family would care).

Here is a partial email

The only thing I'M SORRY about is being an unwanted accident in your life. I'm sorry you resented being my mother and a parent and I'm sorry that parenting was way too restricting and frustrating for you. I had no control over this. There is nothing I could have done to rectify this problem for you, I tried so hard to leave you over the years, hoping that my absence would bring you the life you yearned for. Right now I'm sorry for ever being in your life and your family's lives. In all honesty, I don't see your heart being in it.

I am a parent myself and a damn good advocate for my daughter. There is nothing I would ever deny her and I would fight to my death for her. I would stand up for her and I vow that she has a different upbringing than I did. She is all I have now and I have been deeply responsible for her since the get go. Her well being and how she feels is very important to me. If she needs support or understanding about life, I am there with no hesitation. I want her to grow up feeling secure about who she is to know that I will be there for her 24/7 and that none of her problems is a bother to me. Every day I strive to make her feel important and loved. I'm trying to love her unconditionally and show her more care.

I struggle hard with the mother- daughter relationship I have with her cause my relationship with you was close to non existant. I have some difficulty identifying the role of a mother. My goal is to role model a healthy parent.

I was your child and it doesn't make sense to me hanging around when you hate children. Where is the joy in that? Why bother having something in your life that you hate or leaves you feel miserable? I could never do that cause I would be living a great big lie. Honesty is too important for me to put up with the discomfort.

I made my final attempt to drive you out of my life and I figure in my heart you are gone now. Cause I don't expect to hear from you. All I am seeing from you is frustration. In my experiences with others - with my healthy, supportive and close friends - they have used words of kindness and never have I heard in a disagreement or a moment of frustration angry words. In my disagreements with others, I have agreed to disagree. "Every relationship is different".

Maybe this is your chance to make it right in your life, now that I'm gone. Now you have that opportunity not to have me around any more. I'm talking to the side of you that hates children and have acknowledged the frustration. If this is what you truly want then go for it.(You may not say things but I can pick up on things that are unseen and my intuiton steers me right)

On the flipside, I'm doing this for my own protection - as I have tried to do for some time. I do not feel safe around you or your family. I can not live like this any longer.

posted June 06, 2007 02:37 PM              

My dad is also an Aries. My mother is a Sag, but has a ton of Taurus in her chart, + Scorp Mars/Venus, + Leo Asc.

ID,

I can relate to your feelings. Can I ask how old you are? Also whether you are an 8th House Sun by any chance?