posted September 02, 2007 09:35 AM              

* Has felt a little uncomfortable with my use of words like "babe" in text messages. It didn't freak him out a lot because he realized its just part of my affectionate, expressive Gemini personality - but he felt if he responded in kind, I might think we were both at a "level" he hadn't reached yet.

* He considers himself shy - maybe not when we're alone together but, he said if we were with a group of friends and I got "lovey-dovey" he'd feel the "heebie-jeebies."

* It takes him a LONG time to get comfortable with a girl before he'll express his feelings. He called it the "bunny boiling" factor (after Fatal Attraction.) IOW, she didn't seem wacko at the beginning, did she? I had to laugh at that!

* He just finished moving into a new place yesterday and admitted that he was afraid of how I might interpret an invitation to come over and see the place. That we were on to the next level - which he hasn't reached yet?

* My cooking for him once was a nice gesture and he loved it. My offering to do it again kinda freaked him out a little. He thought I might be moving too fast OR trying too hard (I had to explain that I love cooking and do it for all my guests...)

* He doesn't like to feel smothered BUT, that doesn't mean he doesn't like being in a committed relationship. It just has to move SLOWLY....give him a chance to miss me.

* He understands my aversion to the "friends with benefits" and doesn't now, or did ever, consider us to be in that situation. It was the way ONE of his relationships developed (over five years, I might add) that's all. He likes me, likes spending time with me and if all he wanted were sex he would have already been gone. To say nothing of the fact that he wouldn't be "taking me out" anywhere!

* (He asked me if I felt his behavior during the past few weeks was just an effort to get me into bed because... he had tried very hard to indicate a desire to start a relationship NOT, a sex with benefits situation - it never did and he was relieved to hear it.)

* Told me NOT to put my life on hold for him (stop seeing my friends, etc. which, BTW, I've never stopped doing) because he believes people should have their own lives as well. But said he'd work on asking me out in a timely manner instead of waiting until the last minute!

And the BIG one...the looking away after sex? You Cancers hit the nail on the head! He said that's the time when most girls get "gooey" and that its a bit of a subconscious effort to avoid that level of intimacy before he's ready to. (but he's able to have sex which is, I would say, VERY intimate?) Okay, okay....I'll live with that explanation.

Footnotes: He asked me NOT to stop texting him when he's flying only because now that he knows me to be affectionate with the people close to me, he'd interpret that as a sign that I'd stopped caring about him or thinking of him.

He also was hoping to have this conversation with me because he felt I might be jumping the gun on "us" and had been telling himself "I don't want to hurt this girl or make her go away" but didn't know how to do it because: 1. He sucks at saying what he means and was afraid of screwing it up. 2. That I would take anything he said the wrong way. So, he was glad I brought it up.

SO....yes, I was moving too fast and he had started to pull back a little without losing me altogether because he needs his time.

I feel better AND a little worse as well. I don't want to sound egotistical here but this is the first man who hasn't wanted to "secure" me to himself right away and so it still feels a bit like rejection.

Also, I may actually have a combination Cancer/commitment-phobe on my hands!

posted September 02, 2007 12:21 PM            

quote:

---

I don't want to sound egotistical here but this is the first man who hasn't wanted to "secure" me to himself right away and so it still feels a bit like rejection.

---

posted September 02, 2007 04:01 PM            

Not really, I like bunnies...

but let's just say I would be less accepting of him and less tolerant of him, so he would start to wonder if I was a bunny boiler. I have only gone bunny boiler on men who have lied about their level of intimacy to speed up the physical aspect, so in that case, as far as I'm concerned, he gets what he deserves.

**again, no ACTUAL bunnies have ever been harmed** hehe (a few male egos have been brutally sacrificed though)

ahh BUT

on the other hand....

Before you boil his bunny always make sure he isn't just lying to/fooling himself, and you aren't just lying to/fooling yourself. If you are able to look at the situation and his (and your) behaviors/feelings objectively, anyway.
I would guess that real "marriages" (mind, body and soul) don't happen until after 30 though. Even for people who have been married and stayed married since they were 20. Some people never reach that level of commitment. It's all a roll of the dice on one level, and a masterful plan on another.

posted September 02, 2007 04:06 PM              

His twin, huh? Then maybe you can tell me how to take it from here because the more I think about it, the more I feel dissed as hell!

He didn't seem to have a need to slow down when it came to sleeping together! And is the time needed to 1. express what he's feeling or to 2. develop feelings at all?

I'll deal with a challenge and I do believe he's worth it but this guy's more akin to a rubic's cube/yo-yo!

So, any advice you can offer....

posted September 02, 2007 10:12 PM              

The thing that really bothers me is that your gut is telling you that something is wrong. That is bad. You need to trust yourself more. Take a step back and see what is going on.

posted September 03, 2007 12:43 AM              

"make sure he isn't just lying to/fooling himself, and you aren't just lying to/fooling yourself. If you are able to look at the situation and his (and your) behaviors/feelings objectively"
____________________________________________

Astrologically speaking, isn't he confirming everything that's been said about Cancers?

Stillatlarge: He's been cheated on twice so...he'll be SUPER cautious with me or be non-committal at all? Ah, there's the rub...

Mustang: Thanks, I really do appreciate your warning! I'm trying VERY hard to take a step back and see things with a little perspective. He'll be flying for the next five days and I'm going to hang back...

posted September 03, 2007 02:30 AM              

My take is if when you are with him you feel good, complete, loved then let it be for a while until you decide it is time to stop it, or the feelings you get from when you are not with him are stronger than the good lovy,lovy ones.

If when you are not with him you are really miserable then you need to let him know that you are not that happy with the arrengement and be brave to deal with the consequences.

But, the most important part whatever you do is go with your heart and listen to it and never, never cheat yourself by doing something that is really hurting you in the end.Put yourself in many different scenarios and ask yourself key questions to find out the real answers of what is it that you want, or who is making issues "bigger" than what they are.

This is not coming from an astrological point of view but a life point of view, yes, I am a Cancer and yes I have also been in love with a Cancer boy but as great as I felt when I was with him "we" had to put an end to it last year because it was not right and he hasn't come around yet... This is my sad story.
But I am doing the right thing for me so I am ok with my decision.

Sorry, probably not what you want to hear, but an astrological chart is NOT going to tell you what your heart tells you, you need to balance your thoughts and see if it is really him or YOU the one that has the insecurities...
we don't know that, or at least I don't ... I am not psychic

Sorry if I am not much help but it seems to me part of the issues are coming from you as well, I KNOW for a fact he is not making you feel secure but I also think that you need to deal with some issues too.

posted September 03, 2007 02:37 AM            

Its getting late (like 2:30 am here) so I'll respond in full tommorow. But at first glance, things look good.

posted September 03, 2007 09:03 AM              

Thought that quote was appropriate for my little predicament!

Nam:

____________________________________________

...ask yourself key questions to find out the real answers of what is it that you want, or who is making issues "bigger" than what they are.
___________________________________________

Well, I certainly have a knack for making things bigger - not in a create drama sort of way but in a way that produces a LOT of anxiety within myself. So, yes...a great deal of the insecurity lies with me

I retain my balance and can handle the little "what did he mean by that?" moments of dating when I don't become physicially involved with someone. However, we clicked so much and I felt so good in his arms, that I broke my own rule - knowing full well that I would lose perspective and piece of mind

So, I'm still beating myself up for allowing the intimacy to take place so soon and now I feel I've doomed what could have been a special relationship... I began to "needle" him for signs of reassurance and started grabbing on TOO tight. And, it obviously made him uncomfortable.

And no worries that you didn't tell me "what I want to hear." I'm extremely new to astrology and just wanted to know if the behavior I was seeing in him fell in line with the "Cancer" way. So, whether it be insight from that point of view or just the "life experience" tips you offered - I'm very, very grateful for your input

Dulce Luna: sleep in girl - get some winks in there for me as well!

posted September 03, 2007 12:01 PM              

It's easy to be sucked into staying with a Cancer even if they are not right for you, just by how it feels to be "in their arms". Cancers, the Mothers, the Nurturers... it just feels good being in the arms of a Cancer... you feel safe and warm and cared for. But remember that all Cancers will make you feel that way in their arms, despite how they might be treating you -outside- the bedroom.

posted September 03, 2007 02:22 PM            

By that I meant that even if he got you into bed quickly, he might not have actually just been lying about the intimacy to get you into bed, he might have really believed he was falling for you IN THAT MOMENT when his emotions were activated by the sexual feelings. And you (any female) might believe you are really falling for HIM, when you are actually fooling yourself and falling for the idea of him, or the idea of love. And the chemicals generated during sex create an attachment to him.

It is difficult to really understand someone even after you get to know them for a long time. Some husbands and wives who have been married for a decade go to councelling because they can't figure out why the other person does the things they do.
Learning astrology helps because it teaches you the different aspects of people and teaches you to look at how your loved ones demonstrate those aspects in every day love and life.

So basically, I'm saying that at some point you (any woman) might think, "You B******! You just used me! You never loved me at all!" and go looking for his bunny... but the reality was you were fooling yourself and didn't really love him (even though you thought you did) and he was fooling himself and thought he loved you too at his current level of understanding.

So all the bunnies should be able to live without fear...

romping their way through the forest

until the next "lying whorish pisces" comes along...

(sorry, a little Waiting To Exhale humor I threw in mostly for my own entertainment, since most people won't get the reference)
Everyone should watch Waiting to Exhale.
And The Last Kiss with Zach Braff.

posted September 03, 2007 02:28 PM              

:::

You know , when i first came to this site , some air sign people told me ,'if you love someone -set it free ,if it comes back to you then its yours ! '
and i didn't accept it at first .
but now i do after going through the experience . the experience also taught me , this is something that is inheretnt in a cancer's nature (if you see their basic nature ) .1. they are too caring of thier partners ,2. if they love someone they will go to anylength to let the person be -i mean , they might agree to lot of things that deep down they might not be liking (this explains their behaviour pattern of trying to be good to all , they are not hrash on people unless really irritated )

again he doesn't want to secure you bcos with all his experiences , he knows if you love him - you will be with him , if you dont no nobody can force you to . that again expalins too much reliance on emotions .

posted September 03, 2007 02:31 PM            

You held my hand and walked me home, I know
Why you gave me that kiss
It was something like this and made me go ooh ooh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears
Why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust

Did i not tell you that I'm not like that girl,
the one who gives it all away

Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin' I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do
Don't try to tell me what to say
You're better off that way, yeah

Don't think that your charm and
The fact that your arm is now around my neck
Will get you in my pants, I'll have to kick your ass
And make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop
Thought I liked you a lot
But I'm really upset (really upset)
Get out of my head, get off my bed
Yeah, that's what I said

Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl,
the one who throws it all away

Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin' I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do
Don't try to tell me what to say
You're better off that way, yeah

This guilt trip that you put me on
Won't mess me up, I've done no wrong
Any thoughts of you and me have gone away

Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin' I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do
Don't try to tell me what to say
You're better off that way, yeah

Better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway

posted September 03, 2007 02:44 PM              

Neither one of us claimed "love" when it happened...like you said, we were reacting to a connection we both felt VERY early - chemical? Who knows.

It all came crashing down (on me it appears, not him) when I became vulnerable as we girls do after the fact and noticed that he was "looking away" after intimacy. You were all right when you said it was a self-defense mechanism - he's afraid of intimacy and he apologized. I still felt he had pulled back a little and he admitted it - he told me it was because of all the things I listed above... they all fell in line with what people were telling me. Needing to go slow, etc. And yes, he wanted to reassure himself that his actions hadn't been misconstrued as "wanting to get me in bed." Truth be told, they were not the actions of a man who was only after one thing. So, again, he's showing that sensitive Cancer thing.

Its just me, a silly Gemini, who goes at lightning speed then is told that things are moving too fast. We take it as rejection. Is it that he doesn't feel anything yet or is it that he's afraid to express it?

As for therapy - like you I think, I believe everyone can benefit from it and heaven knows that if things work out with this Cancer (and I didn't scare him out of his mind) then we're going to need one! His side-ways, slow approach coupled with my "instant gratification" gene is going to make for some interesting interactions!

posted September 03, 2007 03:03 PM              

Actually, if I'm to believe him...it wasn't the sex that made him apprehensive - it was the way I needled him for reassurances every chance I got. Like I said, I lost my "cool" and showed my hand (not verbally but by my attentiveness) he felt pushed AND that I was going faster than he felt comfortable with - emotionally - not physically.

posted September 03, 2007 07:00 PM              

quote:

---

he wont manipulate you at this point (i know i know , they are known for it )he is most probably just being stratight forward and relying on his good behaviour and emotions (they know it works ) that is the reason he asked you , if you thought he was manipualating you to be laid.

---

Wait up here! we might be known for being manipulators and I know we can do a good job at it but it comes a time in our lives when we don't want to manipulate anymore, specially if it isabout love and relationships, see what good does it make if I can manipulate someone into being with me, then it is not real love, I want pure an unconditional love... so yes, I know tricks can use to get what I want but I won't use them, it would be cheating myself if I do.

posted September 03, 2007 07:09 PM              

Now because oif this intimacy you "know" what it feels to be in his arms , so just be honest with him and if he does something you don't quiet like or understand tell him and let him have a little solitude to think about it, if he still acts that way and shows he doesn't care then do what is right for you.
Just always think of his point of view as much as yours and don't try to make him who you want him to be , rather meet him half way and ask for the same.

posted September 03, 2007 07:12 PM              

By his being open about his cautious nature and discomfort with intimacy, he also took a risk. He exposed his achilles heel and I find it hard to believe that a man would be SO willing to do that! I could have run screaming down the street....