posted September 03, 2007 06:36 PM              

Wow! Not only did it make sense - it resonated! My mind does fill with scenarios that have no basis at times...

I felt he was very sincere in his response to my question (which originally was "do my endearments in text messages make you uncomfortable - because I'm affectionate by nature") and was surprised at how willing he was to talk about his issues with intimacy!

When he told me he felt I was speeding up past him, I was the first to admit (on this forum) that it was my ego that was wounded and little else. I just didn't know how to take it from there.

Don't get me wrong, knowflakes, everything all of you've said I've processed, has helped me to understand Cancers better AND I am VERY grateful for as well!

posted September 05, 2007 01:28 PM              

Unfortunately, guys don’t explain themselves. Or maybe they don’t try overexplaining, because what I see, including myself, is that girls don’t hear what the other person is saying. Girls, as you know, are governed by their emotions, and overthink things- that’s why they made guys, to notch us down a bit when our minds go haywire…lol.

I say that you feel rejected because all girls love to be chased after, or maybe that’s what society is trying to make us think. So for a guy to say slow it down, we unfortunately take it as there is something wrong with us, when it isn’t the case at all. I personally copied your guy’s response, to keep it somewhere so I can read it everyday to keep myself level headed, really.

Guys are not comfortable with emotional confrontations, just as girls are not comfortable with physical confrontations. I mean, would you like to be pressured to have sex with someone? Obviously not. Guys feel the same way emotionally, they don’t want to be pressured to have sex in an “emotional way” as well. It’s like girls are emotionally trying to rape guys, sounds funny, but I think that’s what they’re thinking…or should I say, feeling. I’m trying to make an analogy here, so hopefully it makes sense.

Moreover, he’s been hurt before, so take it slow. If sex was painful for you or whatever, do you want to do it again? Not really unless you feel comfortable and the other person understands that they would have to be really gentle. Let him run the show, because it will have to be at his time, not yours, and if you really love him, you have to understand that. Maybe he’s been hurt before, because he tried to do the same thing, but the other girls didn’t understand that, so they abused him emotionally. They didn’t care enough to wait and let him run the show.

posted September 05, 2007 02:57 PM              

I have NEVER heard the differences in the way we approach matters explained quite like this AND, it is all SO true!

He had begun to feel pressured by my, albeit, humorous attempts at assessing how he felt - he pulled back a little but did say that he wanted to address it and was glad I brought it up.

Unfortunately, I heard what he said but I didn't LISTEN. My pride was wounded when he said he needed to go slowly - it was a departure from everything I have experienced so far but honestly, your analogy was like an epiphany! Pressure to have sex is to us what emotional pressure is to them. BRILLIANT!

In the past he was hurt AFTER he had reached whatever level of intimacy he felt comfortable with so, it wasn't due to girls ditching on him because he was reserved. He was hurt by their cheating once he was in the relationship mind, body and soul.

Instead of feeling rejected, perhaps I should have been grateful for his opening up and telling me what he needed - he could have just bolted, but he didn't.

He doesn't need to run the total show if I'm to understand what he said from this new perspective. He asked me to keep texting him when he's flying and how much he likes it. He just started to feel that my use of endearments in texts (kisses, hugs) made him feel like I would expect him to reciprocate - and he wasn't ready for that yet. The same with offering to cook for him again. He felt like he couldn't reciprocate my going through all that trouble for him. It's not something he's used to women doing for him. He took it as me "trying too hard."

A note of interest here: I'm from Spain and he's American. We cook for EVERYONE! Friends, family, boyfriends... I think in that regard its the fact that he interpreted that as my trying to "win" him over too fast when in reality, its something we do that is second nature!

Anyway, I can't thank you enough! I don't know what your life experience has been but you either have truly learned while living or have been born with an insight into human nature that is nothing short of remarkable!

The post that I address to Dulce Luna tells you what transpired last. I pulled back, kept things light and his response was a huge departure from the usual.

So, I've stopped the endearments, kept myself busy and not texted as often "Idle hands are the devil's workshop" But I'm uncertain as to how much to back up. If you compare my texts pre-conversation to now - there's a stark difference! I do care for this man (obviously) and I don't want to keep making him uncomfortable but I don't want him to feel I've turned to ice either!

I'm not asking what to do (nobody can do that without the aid of their crystal ball) but you seem to have an instinct for men and their inate nature...

As for mine (nature,) I sent him a text two hours ago and haven't received a response. Already, I'm second guessing whether I was too cold in my conversation with him last night OR whether he's just busy...he's a pilot.

I hear you on not being able to deal with Cancers very well but us Gemini's have the duality curse!

posted September 05, 2007 03:36 PM              

I don't have insight into men, I have insight into me and what I would like from others. As psych research always states, men and women are not different, but they function a little differently.

Go watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding- it'll help him understand that Spanish culture is more into emotions and doing things for others. Moreover, you'll get a good laugh. Also, get a little book or print out something about the Spanish culture, it'll enlighten him a lot, as a man, and as a pilot

As for you missy, you should read more about a pilot's lifestyle, b/c they're maaaaaaaad busy! You obviously don't want him crashing down, now do u? Or, you can ask him how it is like, guys like to someone they're close to have an interest in what they're doing, just like women. Hey, take some time off and both of you go to spain......or better, maybe when pile a bunch of money, he can rent or buy a private plane and he can take you there There's a whole lot to do without worrying each other sick about if both of you are doing the right thing or not.

Now if only I can follow my own advice...lol.....Good luck and any questions, let me know!

posted September 05, 2007 04:00 PM              

The only problem with taking a trip with him is that we have to get this relationship "of the ground" first!

The book is a great idea! As for the asking about his job - done it! I LOVE flying and have been fascinated with it since I was a kid (also have 6 male cousins in the Marines and are all airborne) so, we've talked about what he does a great deal. Now, what he does when he's just on auto-pilot...I don't know.

All kidding aside, yes he's mad busy and no, I don't want him ending up in Ecuador when he's supposed to be arriving at JFK! But, not knowing his schedule (when he's up and when he's down - not when he's home, that's different) is what makes it maddening!

For instance...I contact him and yes, he could be "up" as they call it and he can't respond. But, my mind automatically asks: "what if he's "down" and he's choosing not to respond!" See what I mean?

For the time being, I will keep my cool, buy the book and give it time! If he's retreated into that Cancer "shell" he'll come out eventually, I suppose! Again, he's never gone a DAY without contacting me so - it would be unusual.

posted September 07, 2007 11:41 AM              

We are back to where we were initially - he's leading at his comfort pace and I'm following. It actually feels like dating again!