posted September 07, 2007 11:51 AM              

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So, I've been dating this cancer man for a couple of months now. Things have been going ok but last week he ****** me off and I sent him a text letting him know. Well, of course when I sent the text I probably hurt his feelings because he went into in shell and has now emerged 6 days later acting as if nothing happened. Typical. So here's my dilemna, while I'm still upset I'm not quite ready to give up on him yet but he has to make some changes for this to work. So now that he has emerged do I ignore him until he apologizes, do I go with the flow and bring it up later?

I should mention that this has happened before where he disappeared for 4 days after I got upset with him. When he came back that time, I decided that while he didn't say anything I'm sure he's learned his lesson. Apparently he didn't because he did the exact same thing this time. Anyway, I'm really confused on how to handle this. Any advice?

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posted September 07, 2007 01:26 PM            

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Wow--it sounds like you (maybe both of you?) are doing a lot more game-playing than actually getting to know each other, enjoying each other's company and approaching each other with open-heartedness, honesty and love.

First off, drop the texting as a mode of communication. If you have something to say, say it to him in person.

Second, if you have something to say--SAY it. Your approach, when you're unhappy or uncomfortable with something he's doing, is to either sweep it under the rug ("go with the flow") or "ignore him until he apologizes" and somehow figures out the changes "he has to make" for "this to work." Both approaches are sooo manipulative and passive-aggressive.

Instead, tell him kindly, compassionately, honestly and directly (and in person) what you feel. With "I" statements. ("I felt hurt when you etc etc") You don't get to decide what changes another person "has to make"--either the person will rightly flee to a nurturing relationship, or, if he's a wimp, he'll stay and be miserable, and disappear for days at a time.

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From: The Asylum, NC
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 07, 2007 02:07 PM            

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Wait a minute, wtf? This sounds so confusing: you say he p*sses you off when he goes into his shell after you say something that makes him dissapear? Well, what did you expect him to do when you hurt his feelings; welcome you with open arms? He isn't Mother Teresa you know.

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