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Author Topic:   How the 12 signs deal with near death experiences
Linnk
unregistered
posted September 10, 2007 11:08 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I found this a while back, and thought I'd share

HOW THE TWELVE SIGNS DEAL WITH NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES:

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus ? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin . That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter , the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

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SattvicMoon
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posted September 10, 2007 11:25 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all,


I was thinking on the same lines the other day! Perhaps being a Sagittarian.

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SattvicMoonz Home Page and Blog

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Node
Knowflake

Posts: 1123
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Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 10, 2007 12:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Node     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
All of them are hilarious- gonna use a Virgo quote though I could have used any....but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.
    Thanks for the laughs!

    P.S. The scorpio reminded me of scarfing.

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RainbowDay
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posted September 10, 2007 12:32 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I really liked the aqua... Expelled back to the body, lol!! And the leo was fun too...

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libraschoice7
Knowflake

Posts: 174
From: the city so nice they named it twice!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 10, 2007 02:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for libraschoice7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't find humor in NDE experiences...no matter how cute someone tries to make it.

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Sun in Libra
Moon in Cancer
Jupiter in Cancer
Venus in Virgo
Mars in Cancer
Ascendant in Cancer

I "FEEL" therefor I am

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libraschoice7
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Posts: 174
From: the city so nice they named it twice!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 10, 2007 02:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for libraschoice7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Double post

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Sun in Libra
Moon in Cancer
Jupiter in Cancer
Venus in Virgo
Mars in Cancer
Ascendant in Cancer

I "FEEL" therefor I am

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Linnk
unregistered
posted September 10, 2007 02:44 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well then I'm sorry. I quess they're not for everyone, but I find them hilarious.=)

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vesta-sister
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posted September 10, 2007 04:00 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't think is is so cute just wait till your spiritual death and then you will feel the same way I do.

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yourfriendinspirit
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posted September 10, 2007 04:21 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Awesome Linnk
This is funny as hell...

At the tender age of 4 years old I drown.
I was in fact pronounced dead.
Long story short; Hovering above my body, I was thinking how stupid it was. Wondering why everyone was making such a fuss over my body and such. Never saw a tunnel or light for that matter but, I was definitely dead.
Strangly enough I entered my body again.
Being a Saggie myself I imagine I was tricked, LOL!

This was very thoughtful of you to take the time to type all this out and post it here. Again, thank you.

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Sendin' love your way,
"your friend in spirit"

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yourfriendinspirit
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posted September 10, 2007 04:28 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Note to vesta-sister:
Excellent way to introduce yourself to the forums

Anyways, hello and welcome newcomer...
Perhaps if you explore around a bit you'll find something more to your liking?

I'm sorry that you found this particular post in poor taste while others here actually quite enjoyed it.

*It takes a special sort to recognize that when we physically die it is just that "a physical death" rather than a "spiritual death" as you had imagined and implied.
Most here at Linda-Land are quite aware of this and act accordingly -even finding humor in the talk of such things...
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Sendin' love your way,
"your friend in spirit"

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libraschoice7
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Posts: 174
From: the city so nice they named it twice!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 10, 2007 04:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for libraschoice7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Its good that some people can be lighthearted about such a matter, you were able to deal with it...others have a harder time though

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Sun in Libra
Moon in Cancer
Jupiter in Cancer
Venus in Virgo
Mars in Cancer
Ascendant in Cancer

I "FEEL" therefor I am

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Linnk
unregistered
posted September 10, 2007 04:35 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
hah, yourfriendinspirit! Good to know you enjoyed it And I am very happy you didn't die that day! I actually have a similiar experience... I almost died one day a coupple of years ago myself. I ate something, and suddenly I choked. Couldn't breathe at all... Must have looked like a fish above water, lol. But as I was starting to feel all dizzy and "fading away" I guess you could say, I thought "Oh NO. I am NOT dying yet!! This is just stupid. I don't want to die like this, not today". And so I managed to get into my mouth what must have been like... 3 litres of water. And at last, I was able to breathe again.

Funny thing what will can do, isn't it?

vesta-sister and libraschoice7... Again, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the read, but... To me it's important to joke about what's "serious". Especially since I sometimes feel like life is some kind of absurd joke. That's just how I feel about it

Hahahahahah

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Linnk
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posted September 10, 2007 04:37 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
libraschoice7, I posted before I read your last reply. I guess you're right... It isn't for everyone, and I don't want to offend anyone, but I suppose we all have our different ways of dealing with life and death ofcourse

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yourfriendinspirit
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posted September 10, 2007 04:39 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
libraschoice7, my heart goes out to you.
Have you talked about your personal experiences with anyone? Perhaps this could help take some of the stress away?
-I'm a good listener...

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Sendin' love your way,
"your friend in spirit"

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vesta-sister
unregistered
posted September 10, 2007 05:06 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
not really new just moved and password lost and new e-mail. so just registered. I liked the one about the iland with all the signs just have had a rough bit with the transits recently.

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yourfriendinspirit
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posted September 10, 2007 07:03 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
vesta-sister
Yes those transits can bring quite a challenge.
What was your previous name here if ya' dont mind me asking?


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Sendin' love your way,
"your friend in spirit"

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aquaspryt69
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posted September 10, 2007 07:55 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
These are cool and funny! I can't decide which I like best. Though the Aries one demanding to see God right now seems to stick in my head.

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