posted September 19, 2007 04:47 AM              

I'm just really scare and confuse. I've gone from being self-assured with a clear sense of direction to a giant mess. I've gotten help and tried to implement changes, but can never follow through. It's like I'm stuck in a cycle chasing my own tail.

posted September 19, 2007 05:56 AM              

Out of interest, I checked the transits last night of some of the times I remember as turning points in my life. I found that Pluto conjuncted my moon around about the time I was just over 12 1/2 years old. Uranus was also conjunct my ascendant and Neptune was in my first house! The only thing I really remember about that time was that it was the time period in which I began menstruating, I started high school (which was a girls-only school) and felt VERY isolated and lonely with no real friends. During those years I often had a sense of feeling like I didn't fit anywhere and I experienced a kind of 'strangeness' or discomfort in how I perceived the world. At the beginning of my 4th year of high school, when Pluto had stopped harrassing my moon so much and Uranus was almost leaving my first house, I realised I had to break out of that school and make a new start for myself - so I left and went to a co-ed school where I had old friends, and never looked back. Mars conjuncted my Gemini DC then too - I fell in love with my first Gemini crush (and had several other crushes on the side for good measure - my Venus in Gemini was making itself known to me, haha) and became immersed in Linda Goodman's 'Love Signs'.

When I was around 20, Pluto conjuncted my NN in Sagittarius and I felt weird, isolated and ill-at-ease in my university classes (I was in the final year of my degree). I was achieving some incredibly high grades - one lecturer gave me an A++, which was unheard of - but my life was shifting again and I made the decision to apply for teacher's college. I finished up my year at university and then went to teacher's college, which was a similar experience to when I changed schools. I found people to be friends with, and this time I really and truly came out of my shell and experienced my Sag ascendant most fully. I loved my two years there and they were truly transformative. I never worked as a teacher in the end, but the skills and qualification I gained have served me tremendously. It was also at this time that I first met the man who is now my bf of two years. There's a long story to it, but we were introduced very briefly and nothing came of it until 10 years later. I can't help thinking that our meeting all those years ago was related to my Pluto-NN transit. I was very aware of 'something' about him and I couldn't get 'Aries' out of my head... I only found out two years ago about his Aries rising and moon.

Pluto has conjuncted my Neptune sometime in the last 10 years, but I honestly don't remember anything about it! It may have been around the time I started to learn more in depth about occult-type stuff (Neptune is in my 12th).

posted September 19, 2007 08:18 AM              

My perceptions and beliefs have been severely challenged. I feel the need to change, but is unable to due to not only my own expectations of myself but others expectations of me. I guess this is the crutch of the problem. Pluto is about transformation and until I do what needs to be done he's not going to leave me alone.

posted September 19, 2007 09:50 AM              

Your comment about being more spiritual then ambitious is spot on. I have always been very practical and ambitious - nothing too drastic, but I know what I want, what I have to do to get it and I wasn't afraid too work hard to reach my goals. But this transit completely turned everything upside down. My drive and motivation is gone, my ambitions/goals doesn't seem to be very important anymore. I guess if you have to describe it in one word it would be "apathy".

My problems with college/studies in particular is really giving me a lot of trouble. Where once I was a hard working student on the Dean's Honor Roll, now I couldn't even drag myself to class and on days that I managed to get to class I could not concentrate for more than 5 minutes.

posted September 19, 2007 10:50 AM              

The thing is that I was never like this before. Sure I was sympathetic and compassionate but I had my feet firmly on the ground - no religion or any spiritual practices what so ever. I have no idea what the happened to me.

I've been in this state going on 3 years now and nothing seem to work in shocking me out of it. I've sat through exams not knowing what to do and yet I still don't care. I know that I'm wasting resources and my potential and yet I still can't seem to care! What is it going to take to get me motivated again? I've been to therapy and the whole nine yards and I'm still stuck.

posted September 19, 2007 12:06 PM              

I do see something in you, that I also used to have. You seem to be waiting for someone (or something) to do something, to get you out, to motivate or force you to take action. In my case, it was the realization of the fact that nobody can do this for me, I am on my own, I have to put myself on my two feet and start fighting for myself, my life and my future. I had to take the bull by the horns because that was the thing that needed to be done and there was noone to do it for me. Dunno if this kind of attitude will help you along...

Also, I can think of something else... Before this transit, right in the "shadow" period, I was very fearful - of everything! I didn't dare anything, I was afraid of any human contact, and I was pretty paranoid. Now I am still afraid of some things, but somehow fear doesn't paralyse me anymore. I think this is because of those medical procedures that I went through. Some were without anaesthesia, and they lasted for about 2-3 hours. The pain was horrible and continuous, but I went through it and now it makes me feel very powerful ("If I managed to go through *that* hell, I can do this too"). Somehow, compared to that, other things didn't seem all that serious anymore.

I forced myself to study. I felt very guilty, especially towards my mother (Pluto conj Moon... I really analyzed my relationships with my mom in this period), because she is supporting me through college and I felt I failed her. Also, I am studying medicine and I don't like not knowing how to treat my future patients. And there was another factor. Before this period, I was in a leadership position, I was respected in my little community... and now... How did I let myself become like this??? [truth is, I wanted to rebell agaist all of these, everybody was puttin pressure on me and I felt they were taking all of my life away from me].

And another thing. In this period, there was an element of avoidance, like "I don't want to deal with is just now, 5 more minutes"... Before i knew it, those 5 minutes turned into days and weeks... So no more of that now! I will do what needs to be done NOW, this moment, not later. I will do the rest later and not the other way around.

There is something that really helped me and I strongly recommend it to you, if you find it useful for you. I ching. Somehow, I connected with it and I was receptive to their teachings. So I made ammends and started changing things. It didn't came easy, but I eventually managed to do it.

Pluto conj South Node... hmmm... Well, I think it brought to the present some things that I left unfinished in my previous lives. The relationship I terminated was with a past life lover of mine, but it didn;t push me forwards, it dragged me back, so I had to leave it behind. This other guy that appeared is also someone from my past, with whom it seems I shared a few lifetimes, perhaps we were even married (we're filled with marriage indicators, so it is even more frustrating that it is not working out). The day Pluto conjuncted my Mean South Node (EXACTLY), something happened. Unfortunately, at that time, we were in a triangle situation, which blew off exactly on that day. Now there is no triangle, but there is a huge wall between us. What happened that day is tabu for us. But doing some research, it seems little could have been done to prevent what happened, it was a karmic love triangle which needed to be consumed in this lifetime. I mean, me and him have 7 conjunctions to the Nodes - huge karma! We had to meet. We arrived in this situation out of weakness, not bad intentions, and all 3 of us paid for it.

posted September 19, 2007 01:17 PM              

Everything you've written apply to me. In particular the part about not being able to get myself to move even though I know what needs to be done.

I'm not waiting for someone to rescue me - not into using relatioship as a crutch. However, I seem to be waiting for a sign (devine guidance?) to let me know what is the right thing to do, the right path to take! This stemed from a lack of self-confidence and esteem. I simply do not trust my own judgment.

Funny that you are studying medicine. My parents wanted me to study medicine, but while I had the grades I wanted something different from what they envisioned. And this is where alot of my ambivalence came from. I feel guilty about not studying medicine like my parents wanted me to (I can totally sympathize with you about fearing to dissapoint your mother). Every time a problem arose in the path that I'd chosen to take I wonder if my parents were right! Was I wrong to not study medicine? Were they right in their belief that I'm not suitable for the path that I have chosen? Do they know me better than I know myself? The guilt creates the self-doubt which then generate my failures to do what needs to be done which then creates more guilt. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm still in that "shadow" period that you talk about. I'm afraid of everything and yes, I'm totally paranoid. I keep on telling myself that there is nothing to be afraid of. You get 70 years on this earth and then you turn into dust. What's there to be afraid of really? And yet I'm paralyse by fears.

posted September 19, 2007 06:46 PM              

I also wanted to add that I had the most fearful experiences of my life with Pluto going into the 'shadow' period of finally conjuncting my ascendant, ie the last part of its transit of my 12th. Many, MANY subconscious fears and anxieties came to the surface. Pluto is currently sitting on my AC, but still in the 12th. I think I've dealt with the fears and learned from them at this point. I think basically what I've learned is that fear attracts fear. If you fear something strongly enough it will surely back you into a corner and torment you while you cower in its shadow. But when you realise that YOU are stronger than your fear, that fear is a figment of your imagination and nothing but a perception, then you start to overcome it. Face your fears, look them eye and tell them from your gut to f*** off.

How did I make the decision to change? Hmm. It's complicated. I'm a Taurus with Scorpio moon, so firstly I seem to persevere with situations longer than other people would - and I do so until I realise I have no choice but to make the changes. Also with my Sag rising and Jupiter (my chart ruler) in Aries, I tend to be very driven when it comes to people (both others and myself) finding freedom and happiness - so when I realise what I need to do in order not to be miserable, I pretty much do it. I'm an action-taker in that respect. If someone else seems 'stuck' in an unhappy situation then I have even forced them out of it by taking charge of them. (Note, I only do this if it is important! Otherwise I play the role of 'positive motivator').

Also, something else I wanted to write last night is now relevant to what's been said since about the SN. I too had a love triangle 'situation' relating to the person I met when Pluto was conjunct my NN (and therefore opposite my SN). Only the love triangle didn't happen until when we met again 10 years later. Nowww, I also wanted to add a strange coincidence. When Pluto was conjunct my NN I was also 'introduced' to ANOTHER man who would figure prominently in my life. The strange thing is that I was 'introduced' to him via the TV, as he was a famous person living in a different country to me! But I felt something very important about this person. It turned out years later we became friends online and had a lot in common. Even weirder, was that eventually we met in person - 10 years on from when I was introduced to him at Pluto-NN. It was only weeks after I met him in person that I met the OTHER Pluto-NN guy again! Both "reunions" with the Pluto-NN guys turned out to be life-changing, and I count both of those very days as memorable and special. I would never have guessed 10 years earlier that the TV guy would be emailing me after an awesome day together (and saying that he missed me - and believe me, oh did I miss him! My heart was pretty much broken that I couldn't spend more time with him), or that this other guy (now my bf) would be going all out to romance me AND that we would still be together today. :shocked:

Another thing I wanted to add last night is that when Pluto was conjunct my NN, I had several mystical (religious) experiences that I did not intentionally invite or intend to have at all. I won't go into them, but they were incredibly striking and these experiences transformed my beliefs - I was left with NO DOUBT that a spiritual realm existed and that it can communicate with us.

I'll come back to this later and write more...

posted September 19, 2007 08:46 PM            

So, I did a total revamp of my life, quit jobs, broke up with people, moved, got rid of those I thought toxic, changed lifestyles and basically did all the things my "old sef" would never have done, and I prayed/meditated(whatever you want to call it) upon it.

I created a sense of safety, a belief that no matter how awful and wrong everything has gone, that it is merely the painful metamorphosis stage before the butterfly comes out.

I had to surrender to the Universe and say that I don't know how I am going to get there, but I know where I am going (based on my dreams and desires) ,and you know what? Life had not been so bad. It has been better than I thought. I have more now than I did previously 'when I was supposed to have a lot'.

Once you surrender, the things you desire happen faster, and once you go with the flow, although you might be afraid because you are taking a road you don't know, it becomes almost impossible to not get 'home'.

So, Pluto is tough love. He makes you let go of irrational fears, and makes you ask, "What's the worst that could happen?" and you end up taking life less seriously, and life becomes a moddy friend instead of a volatile nemesis.

So, I suspect that it is because you won't let go that Pluto is being nasty. Just free fall, and let yourself be guided by your desires, not your fears.

posted September 19, 2007 09:45 PM              

Fears seem to be the key to this Pluto transit for me. All of a sudden all these subconscious fears surfaced, totally paralysing me. I guess this is Pluto's agenda - making your confront the fears that you have been unconsciously hidding from. It forced you to broaden your perceptions of the world and challenged your beliefs bout who and what you are. I'm still working up the courage to tell my fears to f**k off!

Changes are very difficult for me. I have a fixed nature and does not like it when the status quo get shaken up. Ironically, like you, I'm also a "positive motivators" for my nearest and dearest. I'm the one who tell them not to be afratid, to encourage them to change their life for the better and yet I can't do it for myself.

Another theme that I noticed through your and izodesmozina posts is the the lost of ambition with regards to our worldly achievements. We all went from being attentive and excellent students to barely scraping by with passes and we all don't seem to give a damn. What is it about the Pluto transit that cause this you think?

Unmoved

Your comment about surrendering is very spot on. Pluto is making me faced the fact that alot of thing in my life is not in my control and this is making me very scare.

How did you let go? How did you create that sense of safety? You talk about being guided by your desires, but how do you know what they are and if they are what you truly want instead of just another illusion? What tools did you used to help you navigate through the Pluto landmines?

posted September 20, 2007 12:03 AM              

It's always harder to motivate yourself than to motivate others, I think. It's like "do what I say, not what I do!" I'm fixed too - Taurus sun, Scorpio moon, Leo MC - so it may seem surprising that I'm generally quite open to change, and in fact I usually need it. I recently discovered that I have five mutable personal planets and angles in my chart, so that may have something to do with it. Maybe Pluto's lesson for you is that change is not a bad thing, and the more we resist it the harder it will be. Without change we become stagnant and we do not achieve our life's purpose so easily.