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Author Topic:   Problem being friends-letting go of past hurts
sthenri
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posted October 14, 2007 06:04 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
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Thanks!

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Neon Artemis
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posted October 14, 2007 06:07 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I've never found a solution to that besides cutting them out of my life so I can get on with things.

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sthenri
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posted October 14, 2007 06:18 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
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Dulce Luna
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From: The Asylum, NC
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 14, 2007 06:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dulce Luna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
See, I don't see the use of having an ex like that back in your life as a friend, especially if you know where things would be headed. I just cut people I have bad past history with who have no chance of redemption out of my life. Sorry, if that's not the answer you're looking for.*shrugs*

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sthenri
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posted October 14, 2007 06:46 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
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CoralBird
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posted October 14, 2007 06:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralBird     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ever hear of the expression "The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference" ?

I wrote this in another thread regarding a Pisces ex bf....
"I was friends with the Pisces for many years and I actually found that we had a good friendship, but then by then I had stopped biting at the bait so he stopped fishing for a reaction. I did find him caring and compassionate in this role, and I feel no bitterness towards him."

Maybe this will help ...??

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sthenri
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posted October 14, 2007 06:52 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
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sthenri
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posted October 14, 2007 06:59 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
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CoralBird
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posted October 14, 2007 07:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralBird     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
He'll keep fishing for a while I think...mine did for 2 years...

His self destructive behaviour is not your responsibility, and it is generating an emotion from you. I don't mean be cold or ignore him (cus that'll just set him off) and don't argue...just be polite and friendly. You don't have to justify who you are seeing and when to him.

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Xodian
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Posts: 275
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 14, 2007 07:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xodian     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Now the cutting off makes me feel better, but then he'll end up in the hospital where I work. One way or another he can't rest until he changes my life and I really want to see this other man.

I feel this other man stood by me when the Pisces went behind my back with the other pisces who is vindictive and destructive to me even now.

When I try to tell him about her he says I am just mad and jealous because she is more attractive, and because she is capable of being more loving, and because he stands by her. I point out that he can't stand by both of us and he says that I scared him away, but that he still needs to know where I am.


Sounds like a classic case of obsession/stalking. Obviously when reason surpassed over his attempt at making you feel guilty, he is trying to create reasons to see you.

Now obviously you can't move on with your life with him being sttached to your back so I suggest you tell him that you will get a restraining order and are willing to take further legal actions if he doesn't stops.

And don't be afraid to actually follow through with the legal pans if he doesn't stops.

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sthenri
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posted October 14, 2007 07:15 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
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Azalaksh
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Posts: 982
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 14, 2007 07:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi Natasha ~
quote:
He's ended up in the hospital due to two car crashes so far this year, plus two fights, and several colds and flus-I can't tell if he is trying to kill himself or not . . . The problem is that his self destructive behavior is not stopping like I thought it would.
CoralBird is right: his self-destructive tendencies and acting-out are NOT your fault and NOT your responsibility. He seems to thrive on *any* kind of attention from you, positive or negative doesn’t matter. Now this:
quote:
He makes himself sick over what he thinks I maybe doing. He gets very upset if he thinks I am with a man and calls until I verify that I am with a woman. He needs to know where I am at all times, if he doesn't it makes him ill.
. . is *totally* out of bounds and out of line. You are NOT in a committed partnership and he has NO right to demand where you are and who you’re with.
quote:
I know he feels nothing for me physically, he says he prefers women who he can respect but of course he spends all his time with women who like they're from the streets, he knows nothing about me really, but he protests that he's my one true friend. He won't stop provoking me.
If you don’t “play,” he will have to stop “provoking” you. The game won’t be fun for him anymore if it’s one-sided. Have you re-read HD’s Emotional Vampires thread recently??

http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/001973.html

I think you’ve got a first-class manipulator on your hands. He definitely doesn’t display any friendship skills here, and only wants to keep you dangling. imho, you must detach. Let go of him completely. I don’t get why your friends would get mad and not speak to you when he goes to them for attention. The only answer I can see to that is that they’re tired of him too and resent you for not ditching the guy and getting him out of ALL your lives…..

Best of luck on resolving this situation ~
Zala

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Xodian
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Posts: 275
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 14, 2007 07:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xodian     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Most men don't communicate after the other woman has arrived on the scene.

Totally not true if you're a Libra Lol! Seems like its what gets us in hot-waters in relationships sometimes.

I am a firm believer in keeping friends with all "sane" minded exes. IMO they have had been such an important part of my life and its really hard to forget that connection all togather.

Most people end up seeing it as "Harem-ism" LOL! To me that's just insecurity. There is huge gap of intimacy between friendship and being lovers.

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CoralBird
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posted October 14, 2007 08:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralBird     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
"Most men don't communicate after the other woman has arrived on the scene."

Mine was always calling me to chat, up until the time he called me at 3 a.m. and wanted to just shoot the breeze. I was pretty annoyed and I asked him where his wife was...never heard from him again.

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Planet_Soul
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posted October 14, 2007 08:29 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have only remained friendly with one ex, and its not a close friendship. We email each other occasionally but thats about it. I do not have hard feelings otwards any of my old flames, but I don't see the point in remaining buddy buddy. Maybe its the Scorpio Venus that has me walking away and not looking back. I feel for you, becasue it must be draining to have him put all that on you.

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Dulce Luna
Newflake

Posts: 7
From: The Asylum, NC
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 14, 2007 08:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dulce Luna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
See, I've never seen the point of being friends with an ex. How would that even benefit me or anyone else involved? Can someone enlighten me on that (and I'm not even trying to be sarcastic, just curious). Because for me, if its done then its done. It has nothing to do with having animosity for them either, I just don't see the benefits of remaining in touch. Remaining friendly is one thing, but remaining friends?? I'll pass....

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CoralBird
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posted October 14, 2007 08:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralBird     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I found it a comfortable relationship. Remember that this person has shared a chapter in your life and would know you pretty well. I was able to bounce ideas off him and he would give me his opinion on things. One time I was having problems with my current romance and my best friend ran out of words to say, finally she said “Why don’t you talk to Pisces; he knows you better than anybody?” And I did call him; he gave me an objective opinion and offered me advice. Maybe a little weird….but it worked for me.
I have to admit though, this was the only ex that I had this kind of relationship with.

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Dulce Luna
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From: The Asylum, NC
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 14, 2007 08:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dulce Luna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well I guess that would work out if he knew you that well. I just have a feeling that even if he was that in tune with me, I wouldn't want a close relationship with him anyways. I would not be comfortable with that, especially if there was a new girlfriend in the picture. That would make for an AWKWARD situation for me.

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aquaspryt69
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posted October 14, 2007 09:02 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Gadz, I heard too many lines from that thread Zala posted. He was/is Sagi Sun, Aqua Moon, Gem Asc, but I've known way too many Pisces men who were with close friends of mine who have done or are doing the same thing your Pisces is doing sthenri.

quote:

Now obviously you can't move on with your life with him being sttached to your back so I suggest you tell him that you will get a restraining order and are willing to take further legal actions if he doesn't stops.

Don't waste time playing word games with this guy. Get the restraining order that way there's a record. Call the police each time he calls or shows up to harass you. It will help your case should it go to court.

Don't wait like one of my friends did. It almost cost her her life!



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Azalaksh
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Posts: 982
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 14, 2007 09:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
he says I am just mad and jealous because she is more attractive, and because she is capable of being more loving
This one really got my dander up
Some friend!!! What a nice thing to say..... Hard to believe he really cares about you and "can't let go until he sees you happy".....

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sthenri
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posted October 14, 2007 09:59 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
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GeminiLover75
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posted October 14, 2007 11:06 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I know this is an awful situation and I can see why you would feel somehow responsible for his behaviour - but you are not, the only one responsible for his behaviour is himself. I agree with Xodian, if he doesn't back off, get a protection order against him.

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BlueTopaz124
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Posts: 207
From: Portland, OR, USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 15, 2007 12:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueTopaz124     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I wouldn't answer calls or return call from him either. He's playing a dangerous game and a not very friendly one at that. You're not responsible for him at all and he doesn't have the right to demand to know where you are or who you are with.

Don't let yourself be dragged down by him. Take care of yourself and take legal action if necessary.

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