posted January 25, 2008 02:52 AM              

I am actually better now, a bit- I didn't feel I could really post back when I was really down in it a few weeks ago...

Here's a recap..

hmm, lets see-cancer. yeah, I guess that's a big deal..

ended a 10 year relationship, after too much melodrama and agony..

my job, which was once the greatest source of joy and satisfaction in my life has become utter h#ll.
Really.
I am being attacked on all fronts, my staff is bitter and miserable, and I am trying to get a promotion I am not sure I want.

(ok, yes I want it but I am scared)

and I have a crush, a pathetic school girl blushing when he looks at me crush that will never BE anything.

I feel like any source of comfort I once had is either gone, or has proved itself untrustworthy.

2 weeks ago I spent my days off staring at the walls of my apartment and crying.

As i said, I am better- now. A little bit.

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life just to find a little bit of happy, a corner of peace and quiet.

And then the stars f*ck with me.

*sigh*

posted January 25, 2008 03:11 AM              

PS- Oregon is one of my favorite places on Earth.

Mayhaps it is the Mars Retro. Or the fact that Saturn is dancing over my MC and my 10th house of career (and sun and mercury) for the next 2 years. I am just pouting that Saturn has to smack me down so soon after my Return.

Not fair, Daddy Saturn, not fair!!!

posted January 25, 2008 03:25 AM              

I can't live in this limbo of blah for much longer without going mad.
or, I will just do something stupid to change it up.

posted January 25, 2008 03:27 AM            

But back to business. What you described in your first post reminded me a lot of what I was going through a few years ago and I could really connect with the exhaustion of --damn, how much am I supposed to take? I mean really, the Universe is just being downright sadistic -- and guess what transit I had then? Saturn on the MC.

I wish I could say something that'll make you feel better, but let's just get out of the way right now that that won't be happening.

I think the hardest part right now is that you're in a holding period. Nothing's building, some things are ending, and other things are being endured. All that stress w/ no exit in sight is bound to stress you out and make you feel depressed.

I think what may help you feel better is taking action. Is there anything that you can change right now? Your job, for instance...I know what it feels like to lose something professionally that used to emotionally fulfill you and feel like that won't be happening again...is there a way you can get that back?

Maybe you are a stubborn person, Saturn knows this, and he's making things feel SO BAD because he knows that's what it will take before you change your situation?

I made a career change a couple of years ago around the time Saturn was conjunct my MC (and square my Chiron). My actual career circumstances at the time, when I think of them now, weren't even that bad. If I were to eperience them now, I'd probably put up with them. But experiencing them with the critical, hopeless Saturn eyes made me miserable and forced me to change. If I hadn't been so miserable, I would've stayed where I was and ended up committing myself to a lukewarm life. Maybe you too need to feel this bad to change things?

Of course, we don't have control over too much in life. I am so sorry to hear that you have cancer. But b/c there is so much that we can't control, it's that much more important to control what we can influence in our life. I really need emotional fulfillment professionally (natal Moon in the 10th house), and if you're the same, having your job be utter hell is soul destroying. I know you feel down, which can make you unmotivated and filled with self-doubts, but if you can gather the drive, do whatever you can to make your career a great source of joy and satisfaction again.

posted January 25, 2008 03:53 AM              

I have been terribly down for the last couple of days (weeks...).

Your posts got me looking at my chart, and I found this:

Transiting Saturn & Moon conjuncting my natal Sun in the 1st house, opposing my natal Saturn&Chiron conjunction in the 8th house which is now hit by (in conjunction with) transiting Uranus.

Transiting Mars is conjuncting my natal Jupiter (11th house).

Transiting Pluto is sitting on my Vertex, transiting Chiron on my DC.

(I use Equal houses).

posted January 25, 2008 04:09 AM              

cyber hugs are better than no hugs!!

the cancer thing, hard to define- I had cancer, I could still have cancer, the doctors want to remove my thyroid "just in case" there might still be cancer in it.

that decision is totally in a holding pattern right now.

The funny thing about Saturn- it was my Saturn Return that brought me out here after 2 years of misery- yes, I am stubborn- and gifted me with the job I have now. I considered what I have now the "gift" that Saturn gave me for doing the hard stuff during my return.

And thus, the other shoe falls....

I gave up the bad relationship, even though it hurt. I worked on myself, my professional weaknesses, and started to learn to trust people.

and now- well-so quickly, it turns to sh!t.

I keep thinking.. "I have to leave, again? I have to start over, again? Do I have the strength?"

I feel like I am failing, for just wanting to get out while I can. My father made us move every 5 months during my childhood because he was never happy with his job. It was horrid. I don't want to be the person who can't "stick it out." I don't want to be like him, a person who just leaves instead of fixing things, or admitting personal responsibility for mistakes.

Ack, too much drama

posted January 25, 2008 04:20 AM            

I think we share a similar root cause for being stubborn. I also moved a lot as a kid b/c of a..um..father who has major issues. That's diplomatic enough. So during my Saturn-MC transit, even though I knew I made the wrong choice professionally, I didn't want to quit. I felt like quitting would be self-indulgent and undisciplined. Not to mention, that like you, I perceived where I was at as a major gift. I knew people who would give a kidney to be where I was, everyone was all proud of me and all that jazz...so to leave all that b/c Saturn was making me go boohoo? Nah, suck it up and stick with it! Only made things worse. I spent a lot more time than I needed to feeling miserable b/c I was trying to force myself to be something I wasn't. Changing course doesn't make you your dad, it makes you someone who can listen to her inner voice and live an honest life. Changing your career twice within a few years in no way equals 5 month commitments. But man can I empathize with you feeling that way. (But you're still wrong. )

posted January 25, 2008 04:29 AM              

((((((Everyone who's feeling down))))))))))))

posted January 25, 2008 04:41 AM            

Actually, Saturn is still hanging around me (I have NN, Mars, and Jupiter all in early Virgo; he'll be squaring my Sun when he's in mid-Virgo; and he'll be making his Saturn Return when he's in late Virgo). But he doesn't hurt anymore. He wags his finger occasionally, and does the reprimanding carrot peeler motion at times, but no more punches in the gut b/c I listened to him when he was on my MC and then my Moon. It took a while for Saturn not to feel bad, though.

But I can promise you that the good feelings will follow thoughtful action. Guaranteed or your money back.

posted January 25, 2008 05:21 AM            

Maybe this will mark a turning point where you start to get your life back on track.
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/astrological-information/solar-lunar-eclipses.php
http://www.lunarliving.org/moon/solareclipse.shtml

We've had our moments here and can empathise with the health tramua. Don't be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you are coping well under the circumstances. Maybe take some of the pressure off yourself - do you need the promotion? Do you need to be with your crush happily ever after?

posted January 25, 2008 01:53 PM              

BUT the most important thing of all is to

CARRY ON!!!!!

(whichever path you choose to take)

My heart really goes out to you as I know you've had it tough and hey, I feel for you.

Love,

posted January 25, 2008 02:35 PM            

quote:

---

he'll be making his Saturn Return when he's in late Virgo

---

posted January 25, 2008 03:42 PM              

Here´s a Group Hugh for everybody - it can be the sun/venus/mars or any other planet - Saturn makes us all in same boat but in diferent levels and areas of life - We must not lose Hope in the Future,no matter how worse it seems the Present.

Like Jane said Saturn is structuring all that its needed,and always comprehends effort and a little of pain - its in us that we must look the answers and search for the Things that we must change in order to Saturn give us our Rewards like LL said

It hiited my Venus some time ago and my relationship became stronger - it will hit my Venus again when comes to Retro and i will not lay down my arms - Dont aly yours

posted January 25, 2008 03:47 PM            

In any case, I hope you feel better about things soon. We'll all get through it together! *hugs* for you!