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Author Topic:   How to spot a b*stard by his sun sign
venusdeindia
Knowflake

Posts: 1630
From: mumbai,india
Registered: Nov 2006

posted May 11, 2008 10:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for venusdeindia     Edit/Delete Message
Always falling for the bad guy? Keep missing those telltale signs? According to Adele Lang & Susi Rajah's book How To Spot A B*Stard By His Star Sign some men are simply destined to be complete gits

Some men might seem like natural-born b*stards. Other will appear to have grown into the role over a period of time and a life of hard knocks. Don't be fooled. As far as men and their less-appealing characteristics go, genetic make-up and social conditioning have got absolutely nothing to do with it. Put simply, all men are b*stards by dint of their star signs.

* Aries Boy does he yearn for the times when men were men and women were grateful.
* Leo A complete bloody nightmare
* Sagitarrius Past philosphers used a comforting tool: 'I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius'.
* Taurus A typically stubborn Taurean male always knows better than a female. Even when he doesn't.
* Virgo If you're looking for a man that no other woman will ever want to steal, you've finally found him.
* Capricorn The heart of a loan shark, the humour of an undertaker and the sensitivity of a tax auditor.
* Gemini Gemini b*astards are completely and utterly mad.
* Libra Life is getting more complex. The half-flush or the full-flush? The stress is unbelievable.
* Aquarius He seems like any normal bloke. Don't be fooled, the Aquarius is about as 'normal' as a pig with wings.
* Cancer Used to sneak his mother's Barbara Cartland novels when normal boys were shoplifting Hustler.
* Scorpio A sneaky, nasty, controlling b*stard, a master manipulator and a world-class pervert.
* Pisces Quite simply Pisces is a pathological liar.

Aries
English is his second language, grunting is his first. And all he can grunt about is himself, his career, his sporting achievements and how feminists would be a lot less uptight if he gave them a good shag. If the b*stard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening, whips up a nice little souffle a deux and then settles down to read Jane Austen to you, he's almost certainly gay and he's definitely not Aries.

Leo
His entrance will always be preceded with a drum roll. If you miss his entrance you'll find him already strategically positioned under a spotlight. You can't miss him there - not with the two game show hostesses on either side of him pointing him out. You might also notice The Hand Of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: women of the world, my gift to you. Regards, God. Do the deed on the third date. You'll need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again and sex will shut him up nicely.

Sagittarius
Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks, leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. Which is why when people say Sagittarius is a lucky b*stard, they're dead right. the fact you haven't murdered him yet is a miracle. Blessed with the smarts of a particularly backward brontosaurus and the sort of sexual appetite that even Caligula would deem excessive, the Sagittarian b*stard is compatible with very few women. Not because he's fussy - he's not. It's just that most women prefer a man who thinks with his brain.

Taurus
As the zodiac's number one control freak, Taurus knows what's good for you. Even though he patently isn't. Paradoxically, when he's not running - and therefore ruining - your life, the Taurean b*stard is busy being chronically lazy. His sloth-like ways do not bode well for what we will generously describe as your 'sex-life' with him. If you find yourself with a Taurus our only advice here is to make the most of your rapidly deteriorating mental health by raving like a maniac. That means he'll be forced to stop doing likewise and be helpful for once by rushing round trying to find you a good psychiatrist.

Virgo
Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Find out what Interpol has been trying to discover for years and date a Virgo b*stard. If you are currently in love with a Virgo and you don't want to believe the truth, pick up any detective novel that features an ice-pick-wielding nutter and then try telling us he doesn't remind you of someone you know and it's all just a bunch of coincidences. If he looks vaguely familiar, that's because he is. You probably saw an artist's sketchy impression on Crimewatch the night before and faintly remember words like 'bludgeoned', 'manhunt' and 'Virgo'.

Capricorn
Capricorn takes everything seriously. He is hard-working and ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with the concept and implementation of commitment. He'll even be faithful to you - although this can't be guaranteed as he is a man. But there is a catch. Before whisking you off into the sunset, he has to check your credit rating. And no, he's not joking. He never jokes about money, or anything else come to think of it.

Gemini
A Gemini b*stard has many demons - a multitude of personalities living inside him, each of whom qualifies as a b*stard in his own right. Because Gemini lives amid this turmoil he will continually change his ideas and opinions. What he says today won't mean anything tomorrow and it probably didn't mean much today either. You could see this as a natural result of him having to deal with his conflicting personalities. Or you could see this as a result of him being a two-faced, two-timing, lying b*stard.


Libra
Charmingly boyish, well-dressed - with the nicely blow-dried hair and a vacant look on his face. Not much more than a large Ken doll with movable limbs, he's only appealing to women still under the age of eight. Anyone older will see that he is plastic and empty, with a preference for unrealistically proportioned women. Because he is completely shallow, he lacks the depth required to make a decision or a commitment. The Libra b*stard will never make either.

Aquarius
Aquarius is the most reasonable b*stard you'll ever encounter. In his mind every viewpoint gets a hearing, every belief system has some legitimacy. This, in turn, could lead you to think he is actually more morally superior and ethically sound than the rest of his male peers. Don't be fooled. It makes him different from the other eleven b*stards, not better. Look in the little rubber boats that chase Japanese whaling ships or leaky oil tankers; there'll be at least one half-drowned Aquarius on board. Find him attractive and he'll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore him and he'll be all over you.

Cancer
Any boy should have the decency to look visibly embarrassed when Mummy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky laced with her own spit. When he's thirty-eight. However we're not talking about a grown man here, are we? We're talking about Cancer. It doesn't actually matter whether you are compatible with a Cancer b*stard. Getting on with him isn't half as important as getting on with the woman who reared him. After all, she's the one responsible for making him the fine figure of a man that he is definitely not today.

Scorpio
Any relationship of any length with a Scorpio b*stard is guaranteed to wreck your emotional health, your self-esteem or, at the very least, your enjoyment of life. Scorpio makes Darth Vader look like Mr Whippy. He'll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. Say you flirt harmlessly with a work colleague of his at the office Christmas party. It won't cross your mind that Scorpio is upset about it until one fine day three years later when he retaliates by sleeping with your maid of honour and your sister just hours before he marries you.

Pisces
Because he's at the arse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is often referred to as the astrological 'rubbish tip'. What this means is he has a little bit of all b*stards in him, which therefore makes him a b*stard twelve times over. This in turn means he's obliged to tell massive fibs so you won't find out the awful truth. Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the sooner you'll spot the yawning chasm between fact and ficton and faster you can drop him. Because to be honest, once the thrill of catching him out wears off, you'll begin to resent being a full-time lie0detector on legs.


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venusdeindia
Knowflake

Posts: 1630
From: mumbai,india
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posted May 11, 2008 10:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for venusdeindia     Edit/Delete Message
What Males of the Twelve Signs Think Appeals to Women

by Alison Nielson (premavratini@yahoo.com)
NOTE: This is meant to be light-hearted and silly; please take it in the spirit in which it was intended.
Aries - Big muscles, red sports cars, money, power, prestige…and being able to beat up the other guy!
Taurus - Lavish surroundings, great food, wine, song and dance. And money.
Gemini - Great conversation. Lots of change. Entertainment.
Cancer - My life story in detail. My needs and pains. My mother's recipes.
Leo - Money, power, prestige, a great wardrobe.
Virgo - Cleanliness is next to godliness. Order.
Libra - Great accounting. Going Dutch.
Scorpio - Great sex. Murder mysteries.
Sagittarius - A positive attitude. Lots of adventures. Unchecked optimism.
Capricorn - Take her to the Presbyterian Church FREE Potluck Dinner in his black suit and white shirt.
Aquarius - Medieval science instruments. Spacecraft and the beings that pilot them.
Pisces - Your life story in detail. Your needs and pains. Your mother's recipes.

Women of Each Sign Discuss How to Be Sexy and Catch a Lover

by Michael Laughrin (Michael@jyotish.ws)
NOTE: This is meant to be light-hearted and silly; please take it in the spirit in which it was intended.
Aries - Lead him by the you-know-what
Taurus - - the bigger the better
Gemini - Dancing, flirting and lots of action (men, women - who cares?)
Cancer - Every man wants his mother
Leo - Be the unobtainable Queen of the known Universe. Even if you don't catch your man, you will love seeing them grovel
Virgo - Perennially virginal, but hot under the covers
Libra - Equality and fair play. Wear harmonious colors
Scorpio - Sizzle! Spark! And little nips here and there
Sagittarius - Don't fence me in! So many men, so little time
Capricorn - You must plan. Marriage is warfare. Today's battle won is tomorrow's wealth
Aquarius - Find a "walk-in" who is a registered Democrat and drives a Saab
Pisces - It's all feelings. Don't bother me with details

The Twelve Signs on Childrearing

by Alison Nielson (premavratini@yahoo.com)
Aries - Kids need to be active. Take 'em outdoors and to martial arts class.
Taurus - Feed them and help them learn to watch TV.
Gemini - Learning to socialize is good and I'm busy. Take 'em to daycare.
Cancer - Raising a child is so important. They must be properly nurtured and treated sensitively.
Leo - Do you think she looks better in Gucci or Prada?
Virgo - Children get dirty so easily. Keep them indoors and wash them a lot.
Libra - A balanced life is everything. Make sure they get to ballet lessons and music lessons and learn to speak a foreign language.
Scorpio - Remember "Lord of the Flies." There is no telling what the little beasts get up to.
Sagittarius - Children are such a precious gift. They are the future of humanity. Play with them and give them lots of freedom.
Capricorn - Children should be seen but not heard…AND they are expensive.
Aquarius - My baby is an Indigo Child. He is very special. That is why I am home schooling.
Pisces - Rain, Sun and Moon taught me so much about myself.

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Lara
Knowflake

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From: London
Registered: Mar 2006

posted May 11, 2008 10:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lara     Edit/Delete Message
LOL!!!!!

Those are so funny VenusdeIndia... oh gosh, i'm choking with laughter.

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Unmoved
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From: Born in S.Africa
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posted May 11, 2008 10:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Unmoved     Edit/Delete Message

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evander
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From: east of eu
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posted May 11, 2008 11:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for evander     Edit/Delete Message
cute

scairy thing ism these hyperbolic sentencesm can actually be applied to some ppl

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deuxantares
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posted May 11, 2008 11:32 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for deuxantares     Edit/Delete Message
venusdeindia LOL

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winky_winky
Knowflake

Posts: 574
From: SPAIN
Registered: Oct 2007

posted May 11, 2008 11:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for winky_winky     Edit/Delete Message
pfuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaf FUNNY & TRUE SOMETIMES

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Vastorode
Knowflake

Posts: 16
From: USA
Registered: Mar 2007

posted May 11, 2008 12:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Vastorode     Edit/Delete Message
ouch i am being Scorpio.. thats painfully funny lol

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26taurus
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Posts: 14953
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 11, 2008 01:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
This book is SOOOOooo funny! It's a must read for every woman!

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heart cakes
Knowflake

Posts: 1561
From: canada
Registered: Sep 2007

posted May 11, 2008 03:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for heart cakes     Edit/Delete Message
yes, i must agree, after my horror of a pisces ex, i definitely grew tired of being a lie detector on legs!!

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IXIEveryTimeIDie
Knowflake

Posts: 61
From: Milpitas, CA, USA
Registered: Apr 2008

posted May 11, 2008 04:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for IXIEveryTimeIDie     Edit/Delete Message
I agree with the Pisces description. haha.

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Unmoved
Knowflake

Posts: 2160
From: Born in S.Africa
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posted May 11, 2008 04:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Unmoved     Edit/Delete Message
I also agree with Pisces description.

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23
Knowflake

Posts: 4497
From: Outside, to watch the nightfall in the rain
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posted May 11, 2008 04:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 23     Edit/Delete Message
I especially like the leo ******* , I've have personal experience of that!

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23
Knowflake

Posts: 4497
From: Outside, to watch the nightfall in the rain
Registered: Aug 2006

posted May 11, 2008 04:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 23     Edit/Delete Message
ooooh, i've just realised that ******* gets censor, wow! So if I say **** and **** , what happens?

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23
Knowflake

Posts: 4497
From: Outside, to watch the nightfall in the rain
Registered: Aug 2006

posted May 11, 2008 04:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 23     Edit/Delete Message
Gee, I never know of this ******* awesome function on this website! ******* unreal!

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Pattyboy123
Knowflake

Posts: 16
From:
Registered: Jul 2007

posted May 11, 2008 09:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Pattyboy123     Edit/Delete Message
oh my gosh all that stuff about the aries and taurus ******* is a spot on description of the aries and taurus i know. i'm still laughing!!!

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jwhop
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Posts: 11376
From: Madeira Beach, Florida
Registered: Aug 2001

posted May 11, 2008 11:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for jwhop     Edit/Delete Message
Oh dear, I fear Leo has been misrepresented here by VDI. If by some misfortune you miss the entrance of a Leo, you'll find him chatting up the most beautiful, intriging woman in the assembly...and repelling Aries boarders.

"I say old chap, your wife called a few moments ago and asked you be told to pick up some baby food on your way home."

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venusdeindia
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Posts: 1630
From: mumbai,india
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posted May 12, 2008 02:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for venusdeindia     Edit/Delete Message
hihihi, funny gals ? atleast we can laugh over the past

JW... LOL, i did NOT write this,, found this on a website , but how LEO of YOU to take it personal

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SaturnIdu
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Posts: 23
From: Esbjerg
Registered: Jan 2008

posted May 12, 2008 03:49 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for SaturnIdu     Edit/Delete Message
The link to the full description on how to spot a b*stard by sign is here:
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/009719.html

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Hey
unregistered
posted May 12, 2008 01:49 PM           Edit/Delete Message
What the hell is with Virgo being a serial killer?

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Unmoved
Knowflake

Posts: 2160
From: Born in S.Africa
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posted May 12, 2008 01:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Unmoved     Edit/Delete Message
Hey -

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Xodian
Moderator

Posts: 2171
From: Canada
Registered: Dec 2006

posted May 14, 2008 03:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xodian     Edit/Delete Message
I just had to share this with my entourage at facebook Lol! And after reading the extended version of the post in question (particualarly, the Libra bit,) I can verily say that yes... I am guilty "stalling" a defined relationship status update (lead to about 5 breakups in my past actually.)

And no, lets not get into the whole stereotype of associating men with the oh so dreaded condition of commitment-phobia. Just that there is the right defined time for taking a relationship forward . I mean how many times have women themselves chosen to place the importance of their personal growth over relationships? Offcourse they have the right to do so and I have no problem with it. But shouldn't a man have the same right without being labled a "runner?" Lol! I personally think the right to walk out of a relationship should be discussed before entering in a relationship.

But enough about that. Hilarious post.

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PlutoLove
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Posts: 58
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2008

posted May 15, 2008 05:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PlutoLove     Edit/Delete Message
These are hilarious! Very fitting!

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