posted July 29, 2008 07:30 AM         

My love relationship has become a catastrophe suddenly. Only last year, when we engaged, it was like my wildest dream comes true, and i was in the ninth clouds. For a while. Within the last two months, he turns from the most loving passionate man I ever imagined to a violent hateful alcoholic. That night, after the birthday party of his father, he got drunk, I tried to stop him and take him home, then he got mad and hit me on the street. I ran away to a friend. The next day he was so apologetic and regretful, that after a week i came back to him. I thought it's just once in a life time I ever be in that situation. But it repeated, in our vacation trip last month. Now I start to understand that he is a real alcoholic, with the violent streak, for the first time in my life.

Now everything shatters around me. I dropped everything behind, my job and my house, I ran away again to my family. But even here I am desperately lonely. I can't talk about my feelings to anyone. My whole family just share the same opinion that I should leave him immediately. They can't understand why I still love him or have any lingering feelings for him. It seems so simple for them. But my heart is a mess. Most of the time I feel like my whole inside is dead, or a stone is sitting on my chest, and words can't escape my lips. Other times I have to hide in the shower to cry alone. It took me this whole night to write this post today. I think if I don't, I probably would go mad or suicidal.

posted July 29, 2008 07:47 AM         

quote:

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They can't understand why I still love him or have any lingering feelings for him

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I just wanted to let you know you are heard. I understand why you still care. I have just come out of this situation myself where there was a lot of control and at the end physical abuse. The same Jekyll and Hyde character - horrible times followed by the most amazing evenings full of love and conversation which makes you doubt your sanity.

You cannot solve his problems for him. You will know when you are ready to leave. You are scared but this is part of the process. Your family's attitude and behaviour are understandable as they want you out of there.

Are you able to leave and live an independent life? Do you have the means?

posted July 29, 2008 08:00 AM         

Sadly you cannot fix him, or change his path for him. You cannot stop his actions only he can do those things. I know you don't want to hear what family or friends have to say, Or even us! It's very understandable... but your family wants you to be safe and they see what is ahead of you. If he does not change his life you are going to suffer unless you take control of what you want.

posted July 29, 2008 08:08 AM         

But astrology aside you should know you are not alone. Anyone who lives in a country where drink is readily available will have seen how some people just don't react well to it, a drink gets inside them and they change personality. You can't really do much about him controlling his drinking, that has to come from him, but if you needed help there will probably be a support group you can reach at least by phone aimed at helping partners and families of alcoholics.

I found this by using Google, so I can't say whether it is any good or not:

http://www.alanon-netherlands.org/

posted July 29, 2008 08:13 AM         

Everytime I hear some lass saying she loves someone who hits her, it makes me very sad for her.
I think I can get what you mean when you say it, as twisted as it may sound, yet they always seem to put up with it and want to go back to being hit, verbally and emotionally abused.

First of all, well done for leaving him, if only for a short time.
Second, I would give advise, but I guess you have lots of that and will not likely take it as you "love him"

There is something wrong with *people* who take that kind of abuse, and therefore something wrong with you if you go back to that kind of behaviour. Obviously counselling is an option.

Forget the astrology. It is unlikely to change him. Some may do, but many not.

On a side note, I was reading that laws will be changed to allow victims of domestic abuse to have more lenient sentences against abusive men. Meaning if the woman kills their partner, they will likely get off with the charge. That is stupid.
It takes away any kind of responsibility for the person to leave the abuser, and offers an excuse for a person being weak and not leaving.

posted July 29, 2008 08:18 AM         

quote:

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There is something wrong with *people* who take that kind of abuse, and therefore something wrong with you if you go back to that kind of behaviour.

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posted July 29, 2008 09:30 AM         

The syanstry isnt even important the transit is whats making u this way

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ASC: Virgo

posted July 29, 2008 09:47 AM         

Now looking at the small chart you posted (not the composite, synastry chart) I see the intense emotion and love that you feel, but the TWO BIG BELLS that are ringing are two of the most violent aspects that show up in the charts of couples invovled in domestic abuse.

His Saturn squares your Mars - this translates as the Saturn person trying to control your actions or the Mars person getting so upset by restrictions that they last out at the control factor.

His Mars conjuncts your Uranus - at first this shows up as intense and exciting sexual chemistry, then it can turn around to become shocking anger and rage. Rage is another translation for the Saturn-Mars measurement as well.

I repeat, these are two of THE MOST DANGEROUS MEASUREMENTS TO HAVE for a couple.

Whether this gets better with time is up to him if I had to place a bet on it, I wouldn't bet that it gets better. You've been married for such a short time and then this happens OUT OF THE BLUE? I highly doubt that there were no signals of this before the marriage, it's just that we all wear the Rose Colored glasses of Idealism while we're in love and refuse to see the signals stacking up. Sometimes things are over before they start.

Please keep yourself out of harms way.

Geocosmic Valentine
Professional Astrologer
geocosmicvalentine@yahoo.com
. www.myspace.com/geocosmicvalentine

posted July 29, 2008 09:50 AM         

thats a major conection:compelled to be with each other,along with some power struggles maybe?The pluto person tends to ebcome obssessive otrwards the venus,whilte the venus keeps feeling the intensity torwards the self.

AC-MC conj:it adds a powerful conection being also electrical one.your dc hits his ic so,you see him as a natural partner - maybe thatīs why you feel such a conection and seem not to be able to disconect even when he is violent?

he has issues in relationships - kiron in the 5th,itīs hard for him to know hot to love someone.

your NN conj his IC - fated relationship somehow

Pluto conj Moon:here you are the pluto person and you feel intensively conected to his emotions and feelings.

posted July 29, 2008 10:06 AM         

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I disagree, Kick my friend, with all due respect. Unless you have been there it's hard to know. In my case it came as a surprise and I was committed. Nobody "wants" to be hit. It's not masochism. Someone who professes to love you and then hits you at the same time.... you have to have time to acknowledge the truth that despite what you are told by your partner this is not love and it is not acceptable. For some women leaving is immediate (and good for them). It can take other women a lifetime. The more difficult it is to extricate yourself the longer it takes. She needs support not blame. She is not the wrong one here.

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You disagree with what?
The quote says:

quote:

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There is something wrong with *people* who take that kind of abuse, and therefore something wrong with you if you go back to that kind of behaviour.

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Meaning if you CONTINUE to get beat up and not do anything about it, there is something wrong with you. Not quite the masochism you mention, but obviously something a bit wrong if you CONTINUE to do it.

Summerdream has already mentioned that she has left the person on a temporary basis.

posted July 29, 2008 10:16 AM         

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And no, I will not Kick your friend

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What I mean when I say that I disagree is that I do not think there is something wrong with her. There is something wrong with him. We don't know the myriad reasons why people go back. Perhaps they can't leave or perceive they can't. That perception will change with time, hopefully.

posted July 29, 2008 10:19 AM         

quote:

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want to go back to being hit, verbally and emotionally abused

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posted July 29, 2008 10:38 AM         

December 21st in 90 or 91, I took my last beating. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife in there and drew back to gut this f-er. I looked at the knife in my hand and my children crying and I ran out of the house. The police were retarded and told me mam, your husband is still pretty angry, where should we take you? HHHMMMM,, 1,000 miles away from family and too humiliated to tell a soul, I had them take me to a shelter, where I spent the next two week with my kids. Christmas in a shelter with a busted up face and 3 kids... Good times, eh? I could not would not ever allow myself to go back, love , oh, i loved him. I took me years to get over it all. years. But eventually I did.

No one has the right to hit you. No one. Alcohol is a poor excuse and one I never much believed was good enough to excuse inappropriate behavior. SOmeday years from now I hoope this is just a bad memory for you as it is for me. and one I only revisit at Christmas when I buy toys for the children that are in a shelter.

posted July 29, 2008 11:54 AM         

I am listening. Say whatever you need to say.

posted July 29, 2008 12:28 PM         

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and btw, I do not agree with anything kick it says.. there is nothing wrong with the victim, it is the abuser that has the malfuntion, the abused is blindsided, embarrassed, humilited and most likely does not have a clue how to deal with this situation. It hurts on the inside as well as the outside...since you have never been there, I don't think your lofty opinion has any validity in a situation that you know nothing about. I don't mean to come off harsh, but people are hurting and where the hell did compassion go and a helping hand?

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Abuser has malfunction, yes.
The abused has something wrong as they are: blindsided, embarrassed, humilited and most likely does not have a clue how to deal with this situation.
They are in shock. But some also keep putting up with it year after year after year. Do you find anything wrong with that? I do!

No-where did I mention there is something wrong with the original poster.
Maybe you can correct me, but people with low *whatever* generally put up with this and any kind of behaviour from others. So there is something wrong with them in having low *whatever* self-esteem/confidence, whatever you call it.
If you are one of these people, you might take that to heart.

quote:

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Again, I don't mean to come off harsh on you, but people really tick me off when they act like they have a strong opinion judging someone else about a situation they know nothing about. I think you owe the original poster an apology...

it's her fault cuz she goes back mentality never really helped anyone.

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posted July 29, 2008 03:06 PM         

It just came off very judgemental to me...and not ever having lived through it, I guess it would be easy to say, to the victim get out - and stay out - when the reality can be quite different. I have no ill will toward you , I just felt like your statements were blanket and I feel like unless you have lived through it, you really don't understand.

Of course you are correct, they have "low" whatever - self esteem, and what not, but the fact is they maybe didn't have that when entering the relationship, manipulations and erosion over time of a persons self worth is TOTALLY part of the cycle.

Somehow making the victim feel like, if you hadn't done _ whatever_ if you hadn't said whatever - then this terrible thing I did wouldn't have happend.

I mean I know first hand, never again would I fall into that mentality, but they have a way of eroding your self esteem and making you dependant as possible on them, so you just don't see an easy way out. Thats all I meant - kick it. And it can happen so subtly (sp) that you (the victim) don't even realize it is happening.

ie: you don't have to work, honey, you take care of the house and family and I will provide everything. INTERPRETATION - You will be finacially dependent on me, so when I kick your butt, you have no options for escape

The mental aspect of an abuser plays a BIG part in the self esteem of the person on the recieving end of things. And that is what outsiders who have not experinced this do not understand. There is no one who can sweet talk like someone who has just kicked your A**. oh the love words, they fly. Then weeks later it seems the tone changes and it is somehow how you brought this on yourself by whatever you did or didn't do, and at 24 years of age if I had killed that man due to 4 years of his abuse, I would hope to God some jury would have been lenient on me. I just felt like you really didn't understand the cycle and the mental breakdown of self esteem is a BIG part of it.

Everyone deserves to be safe and I told my story so she thinks good and hard at what the situation would be like with pregnancy and children and hopefully get it through to her that she deserves to be safe.

posted July 29, 2008 03:17 PM         

Difficult situation.
Not gonna argue the finer points of it, but thanks for not flipping out how I would expect some people to. Controlled yourself well.