posted August 11, 2005 01:35 PM
I'm experiencing a "haunting". I have not seen my "first love" in five years. Over the years (even before the last time I saw him) I would have dreams of him. I would write it off as him just being a part of my psyche now bc he was the first person I "loved" during my developmental years. He was mean and superficial. I had trouble expressing how I felt to him and he often wanted me more when I was more unattainable. He was toxic. I had to stay away. More recently I have had dreams that he was actually nice to me. I found it strange that he was.
A few weeks ago, about two days before his birthday, to be exact, my best friend bumped into him. (She has this magical tendency to attract people from her past, whereas I don't). Ever since I have felt his presence more in my life, (or maybe just in my mind) even though it was her who saw him, not me. Maybe it was bc I was going to go where they saw eachother that afternoon also to run an errand but was lazy so ended up going later towards the evening.
The other night I went to the beach and on the drive back my dream the night before came over me like a wave. It was intense and seemed out of nowhere. I was with my current bf and I had a lovely time. Why was I thinking of him? Maybe it was the effect of the ocean. Aren't they related to dreams and the subconscious realm?
A few weeks ago, right before my friend moved to California, he called her and asked if she and I wanted to go to the Hamptons the following day with him. I said flat out no. She said she'd make up an excuse.My other friend said I should face my demons. I feel this is not so in this case. Years may have passed but I doubt he is different. I often feel I have evolved beyond boys in the past, but I hear he has grown into an immensely attractive young man, and I am intimidated. I could look at all of this as something purposeful, and magical. Or I can merely write it off as his still residing in my psyche. It's funny how our experiences live inside of us forever; become a part of us. Even if the image fades a bit, it is still there.
I often feel that perhaps I really didn't love him, but put all my ideals and desires of love into him. The last few times I have dreamt of him I felt desirous. I often have desirous dreams in general.
I feel so self-involved asking for another reading, esp when I got a great one recently. If anything at least I got to write out this cathartic confessional. Now I've said it all. I'm glad I laid it all out. Perhaps it was inappropriate to put such excessive info here? Well, maybe it would help if anyone wants to read for me.
Oh, his birthday is 7/13/82.
Mine is 6/21/81, 2:13 am,
if anyone wants to do a reading for me and it is needed. I don't have his time of birth, unfortunately.
Thank you in advance if someone does want to read for me!