posted June 13, 2005 08:52 AM         

I'm caught "between the horns of a dilemma", so to speak. I've talked on and on about it in other fora, but I wanted to ask if anyone here might have any vibes they're getting about it, that they'd want to share with me? I'm trying to decide whether to stay with my current partner (N) who's very nice & loving, but who I don't have any sparks with, or if I should leave because I still love my ex (B) very much and can't get him out of my head; in fact I think he might be my soulmate, and I feel so bitter that I had to give up on it because I got forced into the relationship with N. I'm staying with N out of obligation, though he's also someone who i'd have been very happy with, if i didn't already love someone else (B). I feel so guilty every time I tell him (N) this isn't working for me.

My feelings for B are so strong that I don't think I can be happy without him; I know he loves me too, and we're so miserable being apart. I think of him constantly, and ache for him, the love of my life. If it were easier, I'd leave here in a heartbeat, to be with him. I'm just worried about the repercussions of leaving N - it would cause so much upheaval, and I might well lose my family over this! They're already upset that I'm not happy with him and moving on with my life like they think i should be. I feel SO stuck, in limbo, & constantly unhappy. I NEED to resolve this, and soon, so I can move on.

Please tell me something, anything, that might help me with my decision. It has me so depressed I can't function some days.

posted July 03, 2005 05:34 PM         

I really empathise so much with your situation and the way you must be feeling and I totally agree with Sue.

I think it sounds like you've already made your decision on who you want to be with and it's really just a case of how to let N down as gently as possible and keep on good terms with your family.

Well all I can say was, that if I was N, even though I'm sure it would feel terrible and painful to let you go, I'd rather have the truth and be offered the opportunity to go on with my life in the hope of having the chance to meet someone who feels exactly the same way about me as I do about them. It's the fairest and most honest thing to do and it prevents the racking up of extraneous karma between the 2 of you.

And ultimately, you and B need to explore your feelings for each other. If you are each others soul mates then nothing and no one should be permitted to part you. You must be true to yourself and to your feelings and even if your family don't see this immediately, I'm sure they love you and want you to be happy. They will just have to accept that B is the one who makes you happy and fulfills you.

I really hope you find a way to go for what you want with love, honesty and compassion.

posted July 06, 2005 12:18 AM         

Thank you all for writing in. It's really sweet of you to check up on me, Sue. Truth is, I've been going through a nightmare of a time this past month. I'd gotten much further along the process of ending the relationship with N, when I really felt the need to email B, just for some support in this tough situation, and to feel like all this matters, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This i did, to find that he's been feeling haunted by hurts from the past, and seems to have given up hope of us working out. He's not done this once in 4 years of challenges we've faced to be together (he was always the one to fill me with courage & hope for a future), and now, he's given up on us. He said that perhaps if we were meant to be, we wouldn't be where we are.

I'm feeling so heartbroken and confused. I don't know if i should give up on us as well (since i've never had to worry about his feelings for me before, this is totally new to me, and I worry if this is a sign that his feelings have diminished), or if it is my turn to have enough faith for two. My worst fear is of ending up alone, once i end things with N - almost like a punishment for hurting N, my family & his; I know that is unfounded for the most part. But what stings is, B's email almost seems like a confirmation of that fear. I don't know what to feel/think any more.

I've been feeling rather like a rudderless boat, trying to figure out what I should do next. I can't believe that it's over between us; I don't know if i'm in denial or if it's more than that - could it be my intuition telling me that we truly are not through? I don't know, because I'm not very objective when it comes to him and us. But, heck, we survived several such periods when I pulled back (after having said similar things to him); now, it's totally freaking me out that he feels this way. It's almost like my karma from the past few years has come back to haunt me. I don't know if he's over me - i don't feel it could be the case. We've shared an intense love for each other for about 4 years now, and this is thru 2 moves (on each our parts), a year & few months of separation (when we weren't in a relationship), close to 2 years of living in different cities, and other bigger challenges even, that kept us apart. Our love survived all that before, and I was always sure of his loyalty & devotion and dedication to having "us" happen. So, I'm still reeling from the shock of what he said in his email, unable to believe he's really given up on this now.

I don't even care about all this pain, none of it would matter as long as we end up together. I'll gladly go through this and more, if I could only have him in my life again! Please let me know if you have any strong vibes about this, or any other thoughts on my situation.

posted July 06, 2005 12:00 PM         

Please don't think I'm being judgemental of you - I'm not. I'm simply trying to offer you all points of view in order for you to make a fair and balanced (spot the Libran!) decision on the situation.

My first impression is that whilst I can totally understand your pain and fear of being alone I feel strongly that you could be in danger of hurting N a great deal more than you need to by hanging on to a relationship with him purely out of habit, duty and a fear of being alone. That would be really unfair to him and your families. Moreover, I feel strongly that you need to be true to yourself and what you want.

If B can see you making such a brave gesture as to finish things cleanly and honestly with N, it might make B see that you're serious about wanting a future together, and therefore prompt the necessary change of heart back to what you felt from B before. N deserves the right to honesty from you and the right to move on with his life beyond the hurt he will inevitably feel at this ending. Staying with him just to avoid being alone is disrespectful to him and not worthy behaviour of a person like yourself who is capable of feeling so much love. Be compassionate to him and tell him honestly, caringly but firmly that it's over.

Ultimately, if B has given up you will have to accept that at some point. We can never expect people to wait forever for us to make decisions. I know, and I'm sure that B knows what a difficult decision it is to make and even more difficult to implement, but make it you must.

Our lives connect and affect each other in so many intricate and often unforeseen ways, but when we can see the connections and realise the impact we make in a given situation, I truly feel we have a duty to act honestly, compassionately and decisively for what we want. That way, everyone has the opportunity to take a deep breath, step back and move on with their lives in which ever way they need to.

Please don't be afraid. I believe that we make inspired choices which take us to wherever we are needed and to wherever we are supposed to be to learn the next lesson and experience the next challenge. And that's a comforting thing. Not a frightening one. Being alone isn't the end - it's the beginning of you learning about yourself; your needs; your desires and learning to love yourself for who you are. I know that this relationship means everything to you, but I get the impression that life is steering you to a place where you need to take stock and step back for a while so you can truly know yourself and learn to love you. That doesn't mean B doesn't love you and that he won't come back to you. But often in relationships we need to take space and regenerate in order to rekindle the love between us.

I truly hope you don't feel 'slapped on the wrist' by what I've said - that wasn't the intention at all.

I really hope this works out for you and I wish you all the love and courage it takes to make your decision. Please let us know how you get on

posted July 12, 2005 12:36 AM         

I haven't been around that much lately; I guess some days I feel like i'm in the
depths of some abyss - but that's just self-pity talking. Thank you for dropping by to visit!!

It's very true, what you said about my responsibility to N; at times I've let my indecision/turmoil over the matter let me forget that i owe it to him to be forthcoming about the reasons for it. I have been feeling uncomfortable about not having shared the main reason for my unhappiness in the relationship with N, but I was trying to let him down gently without hurting him too badly. I've tried talking to him a few times, telling him that i'm just unhappy here and i can't continue like this. However, he brushes it aside and says that we'll work on it, and it will get better. So I don't think I can make him understand without telling him about B, and the feelings I've had for him since before I met N, and how I've realized that I never got over B, and how those feelings are still haunting me. My heart aches though, to have to hurt N like this... i have to find a way to lessen it.

I appreciated what you said - didn't feel slapped on the wrist. Oftentimes, I need to hear the truth from an objective outside perspective so I can wake up and do what I must. I also felt better hearing that perhaps what B's looking for, is a gesture on my part that shows how deep my feelings run. I think it's quite likely that this is the case. I also have a feeling he's trying to do what seems right to him, by stepping aside and letting me deal with the issues without the added complication of worrying about him. I know our love has rekindled in the past despite several challenging circumstances, and God-willing, it will again.

It's really hard to have to hurt my family by my decision (i know they'll be devastated by it ), but it's starting to seem inevitable as i can't see any other course of action that will sit right. And it's hard to face the prospect of being alone for a while, after years of being in relationships. I realize that, as you suggested, that it's time for me to get to know me again. Sigh. Time of growth.

posted July 12, 2005 12:18 PM         

A funny thing happens when we put our faith in love and in ourselves though. Everything swings round the right way. Maybe not immediately, but sooner than you'd think and it also causes a sense of great relief.

Honesty can be hurtful. It can be cutting and make you wish you'd never heard the words. But it's also very freeing, and often, actually hearing the words you've dreaded has a curious kind of release. Slightly morbid analogy here but if you can imagine it's like having lost someone - very often, viewing their body kick starts the acceptance of the situation, begins the vital grief process and then lets you move on.

I know just how hard it will be to tell N that it really is all over. Harder still to make him see that it never really began in a way as you were always in love with B underneath. Maybe don't stress that too much, (Libran charm speaking here! ) but I think that the only way to do this now is to shoot from the hip and say exactly what you mean. For example... "N, I'm so sorry but I can't be with you any longer. I know this will hurt but I'm just not in love with you. I can't force my feelings and I want to be totally honest with you as you deserve nothing less from me. There is someone else I've fallen for but more importantly this is about us and the fact that I don't want to live a lie anymore. I need to get to know myself and what it is that I truly want, but I know that I don't want us to be together anymore. I wish you peace, joy, happiness, success and a chance to find someone who will love you as much as you love them as you truly deserve that. Thank you for everything you've done for me and for loving me. God bless you"

N will be shocked and devastated no doubt and he may refuse to accept, but my love that's got to be his path to go on. He must learn that himself, and in time, he will respect you for telling him the truth. Total honesty is the best and most loving gift you can give N at this minute and it's a gift that also gives you something in return. Self respect, relief and a chance to live the life you want honestly and without regret.