posted August 23, 2009 12:44 PM         

I'm very confused. I don't know what to do. I'm trying. But I don't really know what I have done wrong, what in this life I have done so wrong to end up in this situation.

This is supposed to be a time for growing, for breaking old patterns, for seeking truth...

I'm trying but it doesn't work.

My heart is broken. I have no ilusion left. I loved someone that ended up being a complete fiasco. I don't know how I got into that position.
I only loved and trusted him but I think it was also my responsibility because I chose him.
But that is not all... I'm suddenly questioning my worth even professionally. I maybe should be doing something else because the fact is that I'm unhappy.
This is not my place in the world.
I don't have people around I can relate to, everybody feels so far from me...
My friends have their own life... I can't really trust them being there when I need them.
I don't enjoy work anymore, I despise what is valued in my work environment... it appears that you need to be a different kind of person to succeed, and that kind is despicable... Another way would work better but I don't feel strong enough now to fight against the imposed style and show them... What for? I maybe should just leave and try something different.

Something is wrong inside me. Something hurts deep inside, like an old wound that never healed... and the pain is driving me crazy... As if there was something rotten in my past, in this life or another, that I can't remember... I'm trying everything, even reiki... but it doesn't stop the pain...
I fear everything now as if I was paranoid. I can trust none in this dangerous and dark world.
I hide in my flat, day and night on my own... Now it is dirty and messy, chaotic... I keep the blinds down, so it's dark...I suppose it feels more confy that way, as a continuation of what I'm like inside.
Time is ticking out and I will have to go back to work... I'm not ready... I would hide here forever.
It feels as if I only want to be with myself as if I was the only one I could trust.

My life has become dark, silent, lonely, empty... all of a sudden...
I used to want a man, my own family, traveling the world, adventure, passion, recognition... Now the only think I really want is this pain to go away... I don't care anymore about the rest... I soon will be 32 but I feel so old, so finished...

My transits appear to speak loud about it...

I was born on 19th Septemper 1977, at 14:45 in Madrid (Spain).

Can anyone tell me, looking at my chart when this is going to end?
I read a free prediction somewhere and speaks of this energy until beginning 2011...
I just can't bear this for so long. It's a real nighmare. I just can't. I'm going mad, I can't hold this pain inside, freezing my soul, making me feel as vomiting for more than a year!
I have endured this situation for 4 months now, it feels like dying day after day...

posted August 24, 2009 04:46 PM         

i don't really remember your chart but i remember thinking you might be needing a new job! and your sun is tangled up in this saturn/uranus opposition, is it not? which would by itself explain a LOT of what you describe. the battle between the old and the new duking it out on your sun, not all that uplifting!! (understatement).

those two alone could really make you understand what meat feels like in the grinder...and they have both been going back and forth which drags it out...

i will look at your chart later, on limited-time library space right now! chin up

posted August 25, 2009 01:15 PM         

It's all there, exactly how you described it. First let me say I feel terrible for you, I've been there and I know. You've got some very heavy hitting transits and Solar Arcs right now. The first thing I want to tell you is to TREAT YOURSELF WELL because I can see that the world isn't being very friendly to you right now.

There's a reason for it that only you will know once it's all over. You are right at the center of this and it's affecting you mentally and physically. I'm glad to hear that you are doing the reiki for your health, continue on with that, don't stop it because you need it.

As for the unhealed wound from your past that you're talking about, I think the universe is asking you to begin dealing with it. You must talk about it. I highly recommend that you get some counseling or go to a psychologist because I don't see how you are going through this without talking to someone in depth. That's just my opinion. We all need to do that from time to time, I've done it and I can tell you from these transits and arcs you're dealing with, "these are the days that try mens' souls". These are the times that were built for therapy. It won't help for me to tell you that in a few years you'll look back on this and say, "That's why this happened." But you will.

The fear, the paranoia, the questioning of your professionalism is all blaring out from this chart. When I searched the chart to see if there was any end in sight, any possibly relief from Jupiter I had to strain to look for it and I did find some things that may not be so easy to pick out.

September 6, 2009 - transiting Jupiter sesquiquadrate natal Jupiter. I think this is the transit that's going to sustain whatever mildly happy mood you can muster. Some astrologers don't use the Sesquiquadrate aspect but I do. I use anything that involves Jupiter in major or minor ways for luck and it always seems to work for me. It will keep you going mood-wise and health-wise. I'm not saying you'll be jumping for joy, certainly not, but I don't think you'll make any choices about ending it all. Jupiter is in that vicinity now. It's not going to heal everything or take away your moments of sadness, but it will sustain you for a while. It will keep you going until things really start to feel better. It will do this again in December and you'll begin to rally, start having hope again, you'll being to feel interested in life again.

At the beginning January, Jupiter will be opposite your Venus and provide some "party-like" energy for you, also making you feel good about your professionalism again.

Also, you need to know these terrible feelings WILL NOT LAST FOREVER!!

As for the relationship stuff, the way I'm seeing it in the Solar Arcs is that you probably have a good solid romantic run of about 9 months before it literally crashed and burned. This may have been what brought up the wound. It's relationship stuff having to do with your parents or parental figures. This is why I ask you to get counseling because there are strong suggestions about both parents that need to be answered and dealth with.

One of the strongest patterns in your chart suggests that you were pushed around by life circumstances, your boundaries were not respected and your mother either disappeared or had a tendency to not really be there for you. And whatever was going on with your father was partially hidden and difficult emotionally and physically for you.

You aksed for advice on how to get through this. The one thing I would do about the isolation feeling is to think of yourself as "Cocooning". You are a butterfly who is developing inside of a coccoon. Not wanting to leave the security of your home in your messy dark home. It's not always comfortable, but it's part of caring about yourself without worrying about what other people think. Do it for as long as you need to or as long as you can stand it. Do not beat yourself up for it. Keep yourself as comfortable as you can.

On the other hand I also recommend getting outside and being active. It really does move your energy and it combats the depression that I can definitely see is there.

Your going to make it through this, Steelrose, that's why you gave yourself that name.

This won't get better all of a sudden, it happens gradually. As much as we all want things to just feel better instantly, there is a reason why things need to happen gradually and you'll understand that soon enough. You'll even be glad for it.

Take good care, I'm thinking about you and you're in my prayers.

Geocosmic Valentine
Professional Astrologer
geocosmicvalentine@yahoo.com
. www.myspace.com/geocosmicvalentine

posted August 25, 2009 04:45 PM         

Yes, Katatonic... it feels as Saturn and Uranus were ripping me out... as if the old stern and scary master was holding me to the ground with his ice cold and rigid bony hands... chaining me to the ground... while the crazy Uranus hits me brutally with electric shocks trying to make me move... but I can't move, for God shake... no matter how hard I try to shove, I only hurt myself cutting my skin with the ice chains.

I have always been very strong espiritually, always... Yes, a steel rose... I have dragged pain bravely for as long as I can remember... I always thought I could defeat life and its misfortune, that I could fight it away... that one day things would change for me, that failure was only for cowards...that I could conquer a life full of happiness...

But for some reason I was wrong. This feeling of vulnerability, of blind fear is new for me... and very terrifying.
Weaker souls have succeeded while it's getting worse for me. It's like the girl that does not resist to rape and survives while the one that fights back gets killed.

This must be showing that this is not the way. Fighting and enduring pain is not enough. My fate is different. It's all written in the stars, all there, before I was born. No matter what I do, pain will be the same.
The thing is that I don't understand why. I really hope, Geocosmic, that you are right, and I can one day understand why all this undeserved torture was required. Because I have gone through other tough periods in my life and I still don't understand why... It feels like being picked on. Like a bullied child at school. I'm starting to grow traumatised instead of stronger and wiser.

I tend to be hard on myself, I leave little room for failure... but now it's different... as you say, the world is being very nasty to me so I'm trying to be indulgent with myself... Little treats, flexibility with my agenda... I am the only one I have left to try and do this bearable.

It's true that this is affecting me physically as well... For some time I have been feeling a sharp oppresive pain in my solar plexus... In a reiki interchange someone told me that I had the third chackra severely blocked. That translates into fear. I feel terror to be alive. It's like waiting to be hurt, as if the universe was waiting to hit you when you less expect it... Everytime I get out of home, I start growing wary... scared...
I get some pulsating pain in the chest area, my heart chackra is also affected... It's anguish... Reiki temporarily helps... but it doesn't completely cure it...

I have been resisting to go to a psychologist for years. As I said, I always believed I could go through it on my own. That the Universe would compensate, that happiness was for the brave... but it's not... I'm considering it now, my sister has recommended me one, she says he's very good... but he's so expensive that I don't know if I will be able to afford it... especially now that I feel so insecure workwise.

I'm glad to hear that Jupiter will keep me right on the surface, above the breathing line... just there... It's not what I need but at least it will keep me going... You know, sometimes, wild ideas cross my mind... when I'm really desperate, curled on my bed, holding onto my pillow with anxiety, almost trembling, crying out of control... when that pain pulsates inside crutching my heart... My conscience grabs an idea fiercely "I want this to end, I want this pain to stop... now". And I suddenly realise I'm imagining what it would be like to stop breathing... or just fall sleep and never wake up again...
The only thing that makes those thoughts to go away is that I know that suicide would make my life even more difficult next time. I can't do that to myself. All this pain can't just be worth nothing. If I surrender it will become worse and this is as bad as I can take it.

You mean I already had a solid relationship going on fo 9 months before it crashed?? Let's count back... It crashed in early May... That makes August 08... Well, it started much earlier than that... but I suppose it started getting solid last year... The thing is it was all a big lie, a smokescreen... I still don't understand how it happened... The thing is that even knowing that our story is impossible, that he has not been honest with me, I still love him... I still love the human being in him, not the man anymore because I know I can't, as if he was part of my soul.

My boundaries? I suppose I have tried hard to accomodate to others to be accepted, so hard that I forgot about my own boundaries... about what I really wanted.

And regarding my parents... a big YES. I think something major is going on with my mother, don't know exactly what. I keep having strange dreams involving her ( www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum15/HTML/002232.html ).
My mother is a weak figure who has been psychologically tortured and abused by my father since they got together. My father didn't like children, he didn't want to be married, in fact he married my mother because she got pregnant with me, so he wasn't much around when I was a child.
Surprisingly enough I appear to blame my mother... my relationship with her has always been difficult... I tend to reject her and her presence gets on my nerves. As if she was to blame for what happened.
I do think I need some kind of counselling... I have problems with intimacy and especially trusting men... it could be all related with my childhood and my parents relationship.

Cocooning!!! Yes... that's exactly what it feels like... When I get out home to go shopping for example, I start growing anxious, little by little... and when I'm close to returning I start feeling impatient "don't worry, you'll be there in a minute... you're almost home... so you're safe again, so you can curl up in bed...". The thing is I get bored after a few days watching TV or surfing the net... When I see loving couples on films, I just feel so miserable thinking "I should be like her. I deserve that too. Why do I have to hide here? Why am I so alone, why do I have to be so scared?"

posted November 22, 2009 05:36 PM         

I don't see any progress... Three months of misery... day after day, surviving a day longer... in this dark hole, in this cold cell... and everything is the same...

posted November 22, 2009 07:43 PM         

please Believe Me.

in times where i also felt very bad,there was a place where i instantaneoulsly started to feel better.and to improve my life.

i usually go to this forum:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/personal-development/

there are many people there who might help you in many many ways.

and we are only there just to listen and to help.

posted November 30, 2009 09:45 AM         

It is the most unbearable pain I've ever had to endure in my entire life, worse than losing my mother this past April even...and there are many, many days I never want to see the daylight again...

posted November 30, 2009 06:13 PM         

Today it's especially awful. Reorganisation at work. They took my project away from me. I had been waiting 10 months for it... I had endured the long negotiations, the redefinition several times... for nothing...

They gave me excuses... I must admit I feel some kind of relief because working with my counterpart was painful... but I still had a chance of getting back my decision making, my power little corner... where I could start buiding again, where I had something to start from... my new chance... My new job is meaningless and empty...

I deserve a new chance... I need a challenge, something to fight for...

I don't understand... Why??? Why do I keep losing it all?

I need a reason to wake up every morning... I have nothing to look forward to... I'm going nowhere in my personal life and now I'm going nowhere profesionally either.

What am I supposed to do? I'm just tired of all this. I have fought so hard to end up in this dead end.