posted June 29, 2011 06:40 PM            

At first I thought it was an acute consequence of how my ex treated me (I'll spare each and all the long list of psycho babble that got me there in the first place), that it was some sort of outing of my (somewhat latent, somewhat acute - when I lose control over something which should be easily controllable I start doubting myself and become neurotic. But I've always had a peculiar way of "dissecting" things like my food - scraping layer after layer off a lasagne, not mixing my food up and eating everything seperately - to toys, especially when I was small. So that's the latent part which is for the most part pretty harmless) neuroticism.

I thought it was over once I would be seperated from my ex and sure enough, the fear that made me feel like I was choking, the undeniable urge to run away and to never set foot on a plane... seemed to have disappeared a bit. I was, in fact, actually looking forward to stepping on a plane again because, despite what my mind told me, they were safe things but above all - they were quick.

This is compared to travelling by car and ferry, which takes days to get to Galway, where my ex's family lives and who also have the right to see his son.

But tonight, whilst talking to my ex where he suggested I'd try my best to fly over to Ireland now so I can even pick up a concert of Mick Flannery in the mean time... The suggestion of going by plane got me thinking those ugly thoughts again.

Perhaps I also have to mention that the very last time I was on a plane, it felt like I was on a sky rodeo, and I felt (it has to be said, I do feel every bump on the way otherwise, but this was very bad) the plane rattle, shake, and it didn't take much for me to then spawn the idea that that plane was going to fall apart in mid-air. To top it off the landing was too steep to be considered normal. And I've not been on a plane since - that might have something to do with my fear of flying too.

So the ugly thoughts primarly consist of the plane crashing and everyone on it pretty much having little chance to survive and when I think about that, it just scares the living daylights out of me to imagine that I would be on a plane like that and even worse, that my baby son would be on there, with no chance of survival.

Now, my rational mind knows that there is little chance that when I step on a plane that it's going to crash, but the irrational part (which also governs my neuroticism I suspect) keeps telling me "what if there's only a 1 percent chance, but you just happen to be in that 1 percent?" It drives me mad. My rational mind keeps attacking my irrational one with facts - like: it's only a short trip. There is usually relatively no turbulence, there's no ice, no volcanos, no this no that... Planes are usually well looked after, they don't simply fall apart etc etc... But, probably because that part of my brain is irrational in nature, my irrational part just doesn't listen, or keeps on saying "but what if".

Now, I noticed the fear of flying has subdued a bit at least once the stress of not being able to control my ex's behaviour due to drink, has gone off me. But obviously, since they come back when flying somewhere becomes reality again, I'm obviously not over it yet.

Now, what I'm asking is probably: how real is the chance that I'll be involved in a plane crash and is it worth taking the risk?

(Chart is a bit behind on transits)

posted June 30, 2011 01:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Well as Luci Arnez says "I am not afraid of flying,just crashing

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That is brilliant! Well, that's basically what I'm afraid of too, since I still value my life (and of course that of my son )!

posted June 30, 2011 09:04 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Well as Luci Arnez says "I am not afraid of flying,just crashing

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