posted January 08, 2012 08:23 PM            

I especially appreciate help from parents on here.

He has been chronically ill all his life but we all have been taking care of matters, and nobody can tell that he is ill.

He is a serious young man who is self-motivating and achievement driven. Yes, so are my wife and I, but we do not exert pressure, and he excels in whatever he likes: school, music (piano, violin, guitar), horse riding, etc.

He's coming of age and while girls have flocked to him since he started school, this time its an issue of girls outright wanting to have sex with him. One girl had the audacity to ask my wife if my son could stay *the weekend* with her in her home with her parents gone. We called the girl's parents and they were like " they should enjoy themselves." Unbelievable. What should I do? Buy them a case of booze to complement the sex?

I know for a fact that he is a virgin, and has not engaged in such hanky panky, and I have my ways of getting the truth out of him at any time. I'm strict and run Guantanamo Bay here at home. There is no lying, and the consequences are so severe that nobody wants to think about them. Never mind water boarding. Pray for that.

The problem is that he is attracted to the "bad girl" image (too much Hollywood?), while a steady stream of good girls want to have a relationship with him. The "good girls" are generally those in his orchestra, taking advanced placements, studying for the SATs, dressing respectfully, etc. The "bad girls" generally have their boobs hanging out, are beer drinking (yes, at 15 years old), cigarette smoking (and beginning to experiment with drugs), trampish looking, etc. And they are sexually active. I'm trying so hard to get him away from the "bad girls," who can only lead to bad news. His mother and I have been deleting undesirous girls off his Facebook and Twitter.

His mother and I are also concerned that girls are attracted to him for all the wrong reasons: materialism, etc. His mom dresses him ridiculously well, and she knows I blame her for that. 15 year olds should dress modestly in Old Navy, not designer brands.

He starts to drive next year, and I am intentionally getting him an uncool car. The old school boxy Volvo wagon or equivalent comes to mind. As it is, girls are already pressuring *me* to give him a convertible. No way.

Church generally doesn't work with teens. I know that too well myself. I was rotten as a teen. I want this young man who is a much better guy than I am to turn out better and have an easier path in life.

Help appreciated.

posted January 08, 2012 08:34 PM            

I imagine it must be extremely hard as parent to let their children make their own choices and make mistakes but as parents that is what you must do and just educate them as much as possible so when they do have sex they are careful and when they do explore other things you do not approve of they are at least smart about how they go about it.

posted January 08, 2012 08:46 PM            

The stricter the ship, the more inclined one feels to look for an escape route. Being forced into telling the truth instead of feeling comfortable enough to tell it as a natural inclination are two completely different things. You can still maintain boundaries as a parent while being a good guide and tutor to your son. Level with him - you know what it's like to be attracted to women. He shouldn't be demonized for his youthful choices in what he likes. Of course he likes bad girls! He's a standard teenage dude, just like most teenage girls are drawn to bad boys. Honestly, the sooner his curiosity is satiated and he realizes that this genre of person probably has nothing to offer, he'll steer himself on the right path. He'll want better for himself. Best to let these natural inclinations take their path now until he's like, 26 years old, still hasn't had a chance to get his bad girl phase out of his system, and marries one or something.

You can't stop your kids from doing anything. Honestly, though. All you can do is give them the proper blue prints to handle these situations as a responsible person would, and hope they make the right decision. And if they don't? Their sadness over the situation will be lesson enough - and he'll be grateful he has two understanding parents to set him straight instead of demonizing him for his young choices. He can't be straight laced forever, you know this. We all need to right out our phases, get them out of our system, and pick up our true purpose again. I honestly feel like that's the best advice I can give.

Your son isn't some mindless puppet. It's not like deleting those girls off his Facebook has the exact effect of deleting them from his mind. If anything, it's only going to make his fascination grow stronger because it's been denied of him.

posted January 08, 2012 08:51 PM            

Also, if your going to tell him not to, maybe tell him if he does something to wear a condom and some girls lie about being on the pill or taking it regularally.

posted January 08, 2012 09:27 PM            

My parents couldn't control me. I was so out of control that I left home at 14 years old, and they sent me far, far away from them, across continents and oceans, where I got my freedom and was as rotten as can be. I did turn out well on my own, but that's a separate matter.

We volunteered him at the daycare, where he spends hours changing dirty baby diapers. It drives home the message.

posted January 08, 2012 10:06 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
We volunteered him at the daycare, where he spends hours changing dirty baby diapers. It drives home the message

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posted January 08, 2012 10:08 PM            

if he is anything like i was as a teen then he would at least respect his parents wishes

i didnt have sex until i was a legal adult, same with drinking alcohol...and drugs? forget it

sorry, i cant give you real help, but i know one thing that kept me away from all the terrible stuff as a teen was seeing the reality of what happens when you delve into the bad stuff...STDs, hard drugs after a year (before and after pictures) and stuff like that

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I once saw a sign that said "sin is death" but if "all deaths are suicide (linda goodman)" and suicide is sin, then shouldnt "death is sin" be more appropriate?

posted January 08, 2012 10:16 PM            

With that said, I also had a lot of friends who were on the opposite side of the spectrum, living in "low class" apartments or homes across town. Oligarchy at its finest... Their parents were strict as hell, they got junk cars, and went to community college. And guess what - they're the best people I've ever known. Well balanced, smart, and moral. They're not the richest people, but the richest in life, IMHO.

I also understand where you're coming from with protecting your kids. The world is a ****** up place. This isn't the 90s where you can give your kids the freedom to explore and a blueprint of life, and just hope they turn out okay.

And for the girls, more power to you. I'm not against anyone having sex as long as they're safe, but for god sakes, keep him away from those girls. I grew up with them. You think you know them? You don't even know what "bad" girls are like these days. I know them, and from what I can sense from your son, they'll sex him up so he'll be obsessed and squeeze every dime they can out of him until they're either pregnant or he marries her. Then they'll introduce him to all sorts of trouble like extreme alcoholism and drugs.

posted January 08, 2012 10:22 PM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted January 08, 2012 10:23 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by NickiG:
i was completely dumbstruck as i read your post Ian...i am no parent, but i do babysit a 13 year old boy (the farthest from respectful, that is for sure)

if he is anything like i was as a teen then he would at least respect his parents wishes

i didnt have sex until i was a legal adult, same with drinking alcohol...and drugs? forget it

sorry, i cant give you real help, but i know one thing that kept me away from all the terrible stuff as a teen was seeing the reality of what happens when you delve into the bad stuff...STDs, hard drugs after a year (before and after pictures) and stuff like that

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted January 08, 2012 10:54 PM            

i'm a parent and honesty is really important to me too. sag rising (aqua sun). my daughter's 6 and lies very seldom but she also knows that she can tell me anything.. and i've always reinforced that if she tells the truth i won't be mad and we will talk it through. you have to be on their side. she always feels great relief when she tells me the truth if she's been holding it in for a while. interestingly she only seems to lie when she's worried about other people getting upset with her, not me. oh and she's a cappy sun if it's at all relevant. sag rising like me.

i was never a 'bad' girl but i was brought up in an extremely abusive home and was extremely poor as well. i was very drawn to bad boys, but the types that didn't actually *seem* bad which are even worse. manipulative, selfish, abusive, etc. it took me till my saturn return (like magic!) to get over this. it's just the way life is. however i most certainly could have used a decent family to support me which they did not (90% alcoholics, on both sides, very insular types who did not care about me, except my grandmother who died when i was 13).

i dunno if this will help you at all, but i'll let you know a bit about my dad. obviously the correlations are few, but he is a ladies man extraordinaire and also an alcholic who takes steriods and has major rage and emotional issues, as well as a proneness to violence (that barely crossed over to me fortunately). lots of guilt, lots of crying, lots of lots of too effing much. anyway i lived with him for a year when i was 13. i was not allowed to SPEAK to his girlfriend's son who lived with us who was 16. why? because my dad is so traumatized by his OWN choices that he projected all of that upon this young man (who i was secretly amazing friends with. and yes he was hot and no we didn't do anything, although there was a fondness and mutual attraction. point being he was extremely respectful). in fact my dad did this with every single boy/man in my vacinity. he actually physically THREATENED any and all potential dates. he claimed he was trying to protect me and to save me from guys 'like him'. well guess what? i spent the rest of my 20s working out daddy issues and trying to save aholes. my dad is pisces sun, cancer moon, so i have tended to very sweet seeming emotional vampire types with problems up the wazoo.

fortunately my aqua mind was also able to distingish between his issues and my own life (altho the line was blurred in many respects) and i was able to recognize that this came from a place of love, even if it was expressed very poorly. he wanted to make me feel protected, and worthy of respect, see, but he did nothing to actually protect me when you think about it. same guy who gave me five bucks after school every day so i could hang out downtown (like, made me, so he could get drunk in peace).. uhhhh...

anyway, i think the bottom line message you send out will be clear regardless of HOW you do so (respect for himself, but don't forget making sure to give HIM some power and remind him to be respectful OF women as well). but i think it is worth it to imagine the consequences of any emotional imprint and pattern you could be setting up in him as well. people who are afraid to lie, especially strong willed/minded aquas, will just find better ways to do so. make it clear now that you are on his side. open your heart to him, be honest and that trust will come back to you.

hope i have been of some help. good luck

posted January 08, 2012 11:03 PM            

Although I talk tough, I'm the little pussy cat in the house, and I'm not shy to admit it. My wife is the disciplinarian. She grew up a Southern Baptist. Well, so did I, but that's not the point. Moral values are front and center in the home.

Second, as harsh as I sound, there is absolutely no comparison to what I grew up with. My dad would whip me when I brought home a... gasp... 92 on my math test. When I was 10 years old, I was fourth in class. I got a trashing. I have scars down my back and the back of my legs to this day to prove it. But having my skin split open with bloody wounds was nothing compared to the lashing of the tongue: "you're not fit to be my son," good for nothing," "useless," "wish you weren't mine." The difference between him and my mom was that he was dignified in his caning. My mom just let loose.

As for cars, I'm just not going to let my son have one of mine. I may even get him something real nice for his prom, but for now, he has to learn the hard way like everyone else. For now, its bad enough that he wears designer labels, etc.

posted January 08, 2012 11:12 PM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted January 08, 2012 11:14 PM            

Thank you very much for your highly cherished advice.

Mitchell is an outstanding young man that treats women with the utmost in respect. That much I am assured. That's where his mom's tough upbringing comes in. He respects his parents. Its the external influences that I cannot control.

As for achievement, he accomplishes to the utmost, but I won't go into all that. He is driven and motivated. That much isn't a concern at all.

As for straying, the good part is that he has a large guilt conscience and he has a moral compass. I like to believe that I have influenced his moral fiber somewhat.

posted January 09, 2012 12:09 AM            

But dude, YOU'RE GETTING THIS!!