Lindaland
  Personal Readings
  why is he like this to me? so depressed (Page 1)

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone!
This topic is 2 pages long:   1  2 
next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   why is he like this to me? so depressed
sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 10, 2012 11:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm really in need of a tarot reading about guy X in my life.Things have been extremely complicated and I have no idea what is really going on.

From a personal POV I've done a few readings for us and I see that his main issue is the 4 of Cups. He's told me he's been unable to get over this other woman he was infatuated with for a really long time and he only wants us to be friends 'for now'.

I'm not heartbroken but I'm so confused and depressed about the whole circumstance. I feel like he talks to me and spends way too much time with me to only like me as a 'friend'. He's flirted with me and is emotionally attentive and always picks up on my moods. It just seems WEIRD to me, this whole thing... he randomly cancels and re-makes plans on his own accord. I feel powerless to try to make a difference in all this and my family meddling with bad advice doesn't help. I have NO IDEA where we stand right now, if romance is even possible in the next few months... if I should even bother at all.

My main questions are:

1. Why is he so connected to this woman of the past? How can he break away?
2. How does he actually see me or feel about me?
3. And most importantly - should I leave him behind totally and move on, or just keep him as a friend and only a friend?

Thank you for anyone who helps out. I feel like a heel asking for help with this problem on PR... I don't like asking for help since others need it also but I'm so grateful to anyone who does, since this has literally turned me life upside down.

------------------
"Perfect love casts out fear."
-Anthony de Mello

IP: Logged

Dreaming111
Knowflake

Posts: 1294
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted August 11, 2012 01:01 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dreaming111     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Are you looking for a reading or advice?

Advice I have plenty, I'm not a tarot reader though. I can't help with readings.

IP: Logged

sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 11, 2012 02:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dreaming111:
Are you looking for a reading or advice?

Advice I have plenty, I'm not a tarot reader though. I can't help with readings.


Both, really. It's ok if you do not read tarot...I need advice too. It's hard for me to deal with it alone.

IP: Logged

isabelle_lila
Knowflake

Posts: 951
From: france
Registered: May 2011

posted August 12, 2012 11:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for isabelle_lila     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by sweet-scorpion:
Both, really. It's ok if you do not read tarot...I need advice too. It's hard for me to deal with it alone.

Hello,

Since for the moment, nobody have answered, I advice you to ask this question in the "game readings" thread. It's for more newer reader so we may be not as accurate as some other more experienced reader, but maybe it could give you some insight.

If you want, I could pick up some cards for you but I'm fairly new so I prefer that you know that. So tell me.

I understand completely the need to have an other perspective in the love department

Best of luck.

IP: Logged

Dreaming111
Knowflake

Posts: 1294
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted August 12, 2012 12:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dreaming111     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think he's using you as an emotional crutch to prevent from feeling lonely. He's waiting for the first girl to take him back, and basically he'll clean his hands of you then. He's not really respecting you here.

However, I've been in a situation where people will tell you, warn you, even scold you from being with a person who even you recognize is wrong, but you still end up trying to make it work. It's harder to process from within a relationship.

Sometimes like a sinking ship we hold on really tight.

I see this going a few ways:
1. He'll use you for support until he gets back with his ex. Then he'll act like he never really lead you on or surprised that you are so emotional about it. He'll paint you to be the weirdo, psycho, or worse a stalker.

2. If he doesn't get his first girl, and turns to you, you will ALWAYS be his second choice. So even if you are married 10 years down the road, you'll not be his first but second choice. If his ex is free, he might want to try again later after having been in a relationship with you. It might lead to infidelity. Again you will cling to him like static.

3. If you get your act together, either he'll see you for you and pick you over her. Even if she is available, he should WANT you over her. Or as you get more savy, more good men will WANT you.

So I say pick option 3.

Objectives:
1. You should be independent, no matter how the scenario turns out. I mean socially, emotionally, physically independent from ANY guy, esp him.

2. You want a man to PICK you. YOU should be his number one choice. You should not be someone's default. "Eh, she's hovering around, alright I guess I can get with her. Sigh, but I really want xyz girl. Oh well, woe is me. My life sucks and now I'm stuck with sweet scorpion. Sigh. Life sucks."

It should be, "Man, she is the BEST thing to happen to me. I love Sweet Scorpion more than life itself. I can't breathe without her. I need her. I want her. Sigh. I'm bleeping in LOVE with this woman. Damn. I love her. "

Now that is what you want. That is what every woman should want.

3. Don't get with a guy because he likes you for your career, or your looks, or how you behave in bed, or that you are there when he needs to vent. That is not YOU. Those are just parts of you. A man should love YOU. The whole dish. He should say, " Damn she annoys me when she fights with me, but there is no one else I would rather be with."

Plan:
1. Work on yourself.

- Stay away from emotionally draining self-esteem blowing relationships. Yes, that means in this case tell the guy that you have a lot of work that you have to catch up on. DO NOT tell him the work is on yourself. Let him think it's work work from your career. Just say you are going offline or will be unreachable until...at least 2 months later. Yes, it's not 2 weeks. That's not enough to get the right reaction from him.

- Read good books (like self help books--no dating, romance, nothing of that sort.)

- Watch good tv/movies (no romance, no tv shows about lovers working out their problems.)

- Have good friends that are NOT potential romantic mates. Go out, catch up.

- Doll yourself up, not to sexualize yourself, but to get some exercise, go hiking, work on clearer skin, classy clothes (not desperate cleavage show, hoochie, I-need-a-lay clothes).

- Get ahead in your career.

2. While you are busy improving for YOUSELF and not ANY man, he'll be missing your value in his life, since he needs a doormat to vent to. :P Just kidding, but not really, because you have become kinda a doormat for someone else to come and go and wipe their feet as they please.
- He'll wonder what you are upto.
- He'll get interested in YOU.
- He'll ask questions about YOU.
- He'll WANT to catch up.

The possibility is that he could eventually grow more into you than his ex. <--And this is what YOU want.

3. Now that you are improved, emotionally and not reliant on anyone. There will be more men and women that will come into your life.
- You will have more options.
- You might even change and want something else in your potential relationship with any man.
- You might not even want this guy.

So, yeah. Don't cling. It NEVER turns out well. If you notice that you are putting way too much effort into a potential relationship with any man, then...you are ...putting way too much into it.

The moment you get tired of putting effort into a relationship, do you want the man to go awol? NO! That is why, you work slowly addign to the pot. He puts in 10%; you put in 10%. He adds 20%; you add 20%. You should never lose more than the other person.

Ok that's something I learned over this past year. Took me forever in a day. I was just as clingy, desperate, emotionally on fire as you, probably more. I cried for almost every single day for a year. It was horrible, but I learned. That I am thankful for.

IP: Logged

AshSkye
Knowflake

Posts: 614
From: UK
Registered: Jun 2012

posted August 12, 2012 01:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AshSkye     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by sweet-scorpion:
I'm really in need of a tarot reading about guy X in my life.Things have been extremely complicated and I have no idea what is really going on.

From a personal POV I've done a few readings for us and I see that his main issue is the 4 of Cups. He's told me he's been unable to get over this other woman he was infatuated with for a really long time and he only wants us to be friends 'for now'.

I'm not heartbroken but I'm so confused and depressed about the whole circumstance. I feel like he talks to me and spends way too much time with me to only like me as a 'friend'. He's flirted with me and is emotionally attentive and always picks up on my moods. It just seems WEIRD to me, this whole thing... he randomly cancels and re-makes plans on his own accord. I feel powerless to try to make a difference in all this and my family meddling with bad advice doesn't help. I have NO IDEA where we stand right now, if romance is even possible in the next few months... if I should even bother at all.

My main questions are:

1. Why is he so connected to this woman of the past? How can he break away?
2. How does he actually see me or feel about me?
3. And most importantly - should I leave him behind totally and move on, or just keep him as a friend and only a friend?

Thank you for anyone who helps out. I feel like a heel asking for help with this problem on PR... I don't like asking for help since others need it also but I'm so grateful to anyone who does, since this has literally turned me life upside down.


1. Queen of Swords, Eight of Swords, Five of Wands, The Empress, The Hermit

I did a past present future reading on this (Three cards decided to come out on the past instead of one)
His feelings are very complicated towards this person, he's as confused as you are in terms of this person and he wants the simple life as much as you do. There is that magnetic attraction between him and this woman and the way forward as I'm being shown is that he needs to spend time alone to clear the cobwebs and gain his own insight and own wisdom, that'd be the only way forward

2. I pulled Seven of Wands, Ace of Cups, Queen of Cups, Four of Coins

I believe he knows how this is affecting you and can see full well how confused you are but he does like you and you do make him happy, he feels you're a very emotional person and very beautiful. I'm getting the feeling that he would like you to let him go so he can work things out for himself but then again I feel as if he does want you around still

3. I did a crossroads spread for this question

I wont list the cards out but what I have here is clear, you're feeling cloudy at the moment, it's dark you dont know where to go, you need to rest now more than anything because all this isn't serving you well. Now if you left him I see a major upheaval within yourself which will set you out into an emotional journey but with that you'll gain strength, if you stayed with him, you'd be much more grounded, you wouldn't be going anywhere, sure you'd have fun but do you want to stay 'just friends' with him?

I'm not telling you what you must do, you need to look within and listen to yourself and what's better for your own good

I pulled some angel cards and they say that it is safe to make this decision, the ball is in your court, you need to decide, look within as I said.

This is a lesson I learnt a long time ago. If he is for you, let him ago and he should come back to you, if he's not for you, don't worry, he isn't the right man for you and it's better to be alone than with the wrong man.

Hope I helped

IP: Logged

andstuff
Knowflake

Posts: 1091
From:
Registered: Jun 2012

posted August 12, 2012 07:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for andstuff     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi sweet-scorpion

Upon requesting a reading in your thread, I also stumbled upon this one. I did number 1) for you in xchange

King of Wands - the reason he is so attached is because she used to make him what he wanted to be. Passionate, ardent, in touch with the universe and infinity (salamanders).

Why he regrets her so much

7 swords - 8 swords - 10 swords

there was a lot of communication breakdowns and pain involved, there still is on his part. it keeps gnawing at his soul. there might have been some lying involved too.

The Empress - she is his ideal of a desirable woman. his incarnation of love descended upon earth.

The Temperance - feelings between them used to be just perfect at one point. Energy flowing. The organic and the spiritual well balanced and in sync, mutually enriching.

PS - i just wanted to add I've been on the other end of the situation. I've been that other girl remembered and regretted every day through thick and thin [someone else's, not your friend's]. It is also pretty painful. And I guess I've also been unable to replace a lover I felt the same about, never considering anyone.

If these feelings are what they are, very little can be done. They say it takes a nail to drive out another nail. It is very difficult to take the place of a person who played this sort of part and used to mean this much. No one has succeeded neither with him nor with me.

Not to say you are in any way inferior to that girl (definitely not), but well, some people take us to heaven, others cannot. Nobody's fault.

IP: Logged

isabelle_lila
Knowflake

Posts: 951
From: france
Registered: May 2011

posted August 12, 2012 10:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for isabelle_lila     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm happy that good and talented people have answer you

I will still answer some of your interrogation a bit later because i understand that you won't ask me to do it since you are a very giving person. But even giving person deserved a bit of attention and feedback

Have a good day and I send you good energy to you.

IP: Logged

isabelle_lila
Knowflake

Posts: 951
From: france
Registered: May 2011

posted August 13, 2012 05:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for isabelle_lila     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi sweet-scorpion,

1. Why is he so connected to this woman of the past? How can he break away?

I pick up the fool R, the 4 of coins and the papess. He fall madly in love with her, she appears at a time of success and in his eyes she is the sucess itself. And she represent an ideal. There was a very good exchange between them.

2. How does he actually see me or feel about me? He sees you as his lucky charm, as his little fairy who gives him a bit of magic. And yes he had feelings for you but not as much as he had once for another person. So he know that it will end up like this between you too and to stop before he hurt you too much, he stopped the relationship

3. And most importantly - should I leave him behind totally and move on, or just keep him as a friend and only a friend?
I pick up the fool R, the 9 of baton and the papesse. I see that continuing this sort of unclear relationship won't be good for you. You need resolved and you need to be the ideal woman of someone.
I don't say : stop talking to him. I just say, you need clear bondaries. are we more than friend or not ?

I hope, it helped you a bit.

Courage.

IP: Logged

PhoenixFire
Knowflake

Posts: 1269
From: The Crossing
Registered: Jun 2009

posted August 13, 2012 06:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PhoenixFire     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dreaming111:
I think he's using you as an emotional crutch to prevent from felling lonely. He's waiting for the first girl to take him back and basically he'll clean his hands of you then. He's not really respecting you here.

However, I've been in a situation where people will tell you, warn you, even scold you from being with a person who even you recognize is wrong, but you still end up trying to make it work. It's harder to process from within a relationship.

Sometimes like a sinking ship we hold on really tight.

I see this going a few ways:
1. He'll use you for support til he gets back with his ex. Then he'll act like he never really lead you on or surprised that you are so emotional about it. He'll paint you to be the weirdo, psycho, or stalker.

2. If he doesn't get his first girl, and turns to you, you will ALWAYS be his second choice. SO even if you are married 10 years down the road, you'll not be his first but second choice. If his ex is free, he might want to try again later after having been in a relationship with you. It might lead to infidelity. Again you will cling to him like static.

3. If you get your act together, either he'll see you for you and pick you over her. Even if she is available, he should WANT you over her. Or as you get more savy, more good men will WANT you.

So I say pick option 3.

Objectives:
1. You should be independent no matter how the scenario turns out. I mean socially, emotionally, physically independent from ANY guy, esp him.

2. You want a man to PICK you. YOU should be his number one choice. You should not be someone's default. "Eh, she's hovering around, alright I guess I can get with her. Sigh, but I really want xyz girl. Oh well, woe is me. My life sucks and now I'm stuck with sweet scorpion. Sigh. Life sucks."

It should be, "Man, she is the BEST thing to happen to me. I love Sweet Scorpion more than life itself. I can't breathe without her. I need her. I want her. Sigh. I'm bleeping in LOVE with this woman. Damn. I love her. "

Now that is what you want. That is what every woman should want.

3. Don't get with a guy because he likes you for your career, or your looks, or how you behave in bed, or that you are there when he needs to vent. That is not YOU. Those are just parts of you. A man should love YOU. The whole dish. He should say, " Damn she annoys me when she fights with me, but there is no one else I would rather be with."

Plan:
1. Work on yourself.

- Stay away from emotionally draining self-esteem blowing relationships. Yes, that means in this case tell the guy that you have a lot of work that you have to catch up on. DO NOT tell him the work is on yourself. Let him think it's work work from your career. Just say you are going offline or will be unreachable until...at least 2 months later. Yes, it's not 2 weeks. That's not enough to get the right reaction from him.

- Read good books (self help- no dating, romance, nothing of that sort.)

- Watch good tv/movies (no romance, no tv shows about lovers working out their problems.)

- Have good friends that are NOT potential romantic mates. Go out, catch up.

- Doll yourself up (not to sexualize yourself.) but to get some exercise, go hiking, work on clearer skin, classy clothes (not desperate cleavage show, hoochie, I need a lay clothes)

- Get ahead in your career.

2. While you are busy improving for YOUSELF and not ANY man, he'll be missing your value in his life, since he needs a doormat to vent to. :P Just kidding, but not really, because you have become kinda a doormat for someone else to come and go and wipe their feet as they please.
- He'll wonder what you are upto.
- He'll get interested in YOU.
- He'll ask questions about YOU.
- He'll WANT to catch up.

The possibility is that he could eventually grow more into you than his ex. <--And this is what YOU want.

3. Now that you are improved, emotinally and not reliant on anyone. There will be more men and women that will come into your life.
- You will have more options.
- You might even change and want something else in your potential relationship with any man.
- You might not even want this guy.

So, yeah. Don't cling. It NEVER turns out well. If you notice that you are putting way too much effort into a potential relationship with any man, then...you are ...putting way too much into it.

The moment you get tired of putting effort into a relationship, do you want the man to go awol? NO! That is why, you work slowly addign to the pot. He puts in 10% you put in 10%. He adds 20% you add 20%. You should never lose more than the other person.

Ok that's something I learned over this past year. Took me forever in a day. I was jsut as clingy, desperate, emotionally on fire as you, probably more. I cried for almost every single day for a year. It was horrible. But I learned. That I am thankful for.


Beautifully said!!! Seriously, I love this, you have a way with words. I'd just like to add that this is good advice even when you are in a relationship/marriage. Never lose yourself within a partnership, as then it is no longer an equal partnership. Stay true to yourself & be your own person.

If you would still be interested in a reading, I may read for you in a few hours.


Best wishes =)

IP: Logged

whereabouts
Knowflake

Posts: 726
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2012

posted August 13, 2012 07:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for whereabouts     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sweet-scorpion, however he makes you feel now will multiply in intensity exponentially over time. You honestly don't need a reading to learn that. Take a step back and look at it from a fresh perspective. It sounds to me like he's playing you. What he's doing is guy code for keeping someone near enough to reel them in when they are in need of something and then casting them back out when something more interesting grabs their attention. Never accept this type of treatment from anyone, especially a man. Hold your head up and stand by yourself as a woman and never accept this manner of treatment. He is using you.

quote:
Originally posted by sweet-scorpion:
I'm really in need of a tarot reading about guy X in my life.Things have been extremely complicated and I have no idea what is really going on.

From a personal POV I've done a few readings for us and I see that his main issue is the 4 of Cups. He's told me he's been unable to get over this other woman he was infatuated with for a really long time and he only wants us to be friends 'for now'.

I'm not heartbroken but I'm so confused and depressed about the whole circumstance. I feel like he talks to me and spends way too much time with me to only like me as a 'friend'. He's flirted with me and is emotionally attentive and always picks up on my moods. It just seems WEIRD to me, this whole thing... he randomly cancels and re-makes plans on his own accord. I feel powerless to try to make a difference in all this and my family meddling with bad advice doesn't help. I have NO IDEA where we stand right now, if romance is even possible in the next few months... if I should even bother at all.

My main questions are:

1. Why is he so connected to this woman of the past? How can he break away?
2. How does he actually see me or feel about me?
3. And most importantly - should I leave him behind totally and move on, or just keep him as a friend and only a friend?

Thank you for anyone who helps out. I feel like a heel asking for help with this problem on PR... I don't like asking for help since others need it also but I'm so grateful to anyone who does, since this has literally turned me life upside down.


------------------
Truth & Integrity in all things. The Truth is the answer to everything.

IP: Logged

whereabouts
Knowflake

Posts: 726
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2012

posted August 13, 2012 07:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for whereabouts     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
EXCELLENT advise!!!!

quote:
Originally posted by Dreaming111:
I think he's using you as an emotional crutch to prevent from felling lonely. He's waiting for the first girl to take him back and basically he'll clean his hands of you then. He's not really respecting you here.

However, I've been in a situation where people will tell you, warn you, even scold you from being with a person who even you recognize is wrong, but you still end up trying to make it work. It's harder to process from within a relationship.

Sometimes like a sinking ship we hold on really tight.

I see this going a few ways:
1. He'll use you for support til he gets back with his ex. Then he'll act like he never really lead you on or surprised that you are so emotional about it. He'll paint you to be the weirdo, psycho, or stalker.

2. If he doesn't get his first girl, and turns to you, you will ALWAYS be his second choice. SO even if you are married 10 years down the road, you'll not be his first but second choice. If his ex is free, he might want to try again later after having been in a relationship with you. It might lead to infidelity. Again you will cling to him like static.

3. If you get your act together, either he'll see you for you and pick you over her. Even if she is available, he should WANT you over her. Or as you get more savy, more good men will WANT you.

So I say pick option 3.

Objectives:
1. You should be independent no matter how the scenario turns out. I mean socially, emotionally, physically independent from ANY guy, esp him.

2. You want a man to PICK you. YOU should be his number one choice. You should not be someone's default. "Eh, she's hovering around, alright I guess I can get with her. Sigh, but I really want xyz girl. Oh well, woe is me. My life sucks and now I'm stuck with sweet scorpion. Sigh. Life sucks."

It should be, "Man, she is the BEST thing to happen to me. I love Sweet Scorpion more than life itself. I can't breathe without her. I need her. I want her. Sigh. I'm bleeping in LOVE with this woman. Damn. I love her. "

Now that is what you want. That is what every woman should want.

3. Don't get with a guy because he likes you for your career, or your looks, or how you behave in bed, or that you are there when he needs to vent. That is not YOU. Those are just parts of you. A man should love YOU. The whole dish. He should say, " Damn she annoys me when she fights with me, but there is no one else I would rather be with."

Plan:
1. Work on yourself.

- Stay away from emotionally draining self-esteem blowing relationships. Yes, that means in this case tell the guy that you have a lot of work that you have to catch up on. DO NOT tell him the work is on yourself. Let him think it's work work from your career. Just say you are going offline or will be unreachable until...at least 2 months later. Yes, it's not 2 weeks. That's not enough to get the right reaction from him.

- Read good books (self help- no dating, romance, nothing of that sort.)

- Watch good tv/movies (no romance, no tv shows about lovers working out their problems.)

- Have good friends that are NOT potential romantic mates. Go out, catch up.

- Doll yourself up (not to sexualize yourself.) but to get some exercise, go hiking, work on clearer skin, classy clothes (not desperate cleavage show, hoochie, I need a lay clothes)

- Get ahead in your career.

2. While you are busy improving for YOUSELF and not ANY man, he'll be missing your value in his life, since he needs a doormat to vent to. :P Just kidding, but not really, because you have become kinda a doormat for someone else to come and go and wipe their feet as they please.
- He'll wonder what you are upto.
- He'll get interested in YOU.
- He'll ask questions about YOU.
- He'll WANT to catch up.

The possibility is that he could eventually grow more into you than his ex. <--And this is what YOU want.

3. Now that you are improved, emotinally and not reliant on anyone. There will be more men and women that will come into your life.
- You will have more options.
- You might even change and want something else in your potential relationship with any man.
- You might not even want this guy.

So, yeah. Don't cling. It NEVER turns out well. If you notice that you are putting way too much effort into a potential relationship with any man, then...you are ...putting way too much into it.

The moment you get tired of putting effort into a relationship, do you want the man to go awol? NO! That is why, you work slowly addign to the pot. He puts in 10% you put in 10%. He adds 20% you add 20%. You should never lose more than the other person.

Ok that's something I learned over this past year. Took me forever in a day. I was jsut as clingy, desperate, emotionally on fire as you, probably more. I cried for almost every single day for a year. It was horrible. But I learned. That I am thankful for.


------------------
Truth & Integrity in all things. The Truth is the answer to everything.

IP: Logged

sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 13, 2012 10:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by AshSkye:
1. Queen of Swords, Eight of Swords, Five of Wands, The Empress, The Hermit

I did a past present future reading on this (Three cards decided to come out on the past instead of one)
His feelings are very complicated towards this person, he's as confused as you are in terms of this person and he wants the simple life as much as you do. There is that magnetic attraction between him and this woman and the way forward as I'm being shown is that he needs to spend time alone to clear the cobwebs and gain his own insight and own wisdom, that'd be the only way forward

2. I pulled Seven of Wands, Ace of Cups, Queen of Cups, Four of Coins

I believe he knows how this is affecting you and can see full well how confused you are but he does like you and you do make him happy, he feels you're a very emotional person and very beautiful. I'm getting the feeling that he would like you to let him go so he can work things out for himself but then again I feel as if he does want you around still

3. I did a crossroads spread for this question

I wont list the cards out but what I have here is clear, you're feeling cloudy at the moment, it's dark you dont know where to go, you need to rest now more than anything because all this isn't serving you well. Now if you left him I see a major upheaval within yourself which will set you out into an emotional journey but with that you'll gain strength, if you stayed with him, you'd be much more grounded, you wouldn't be going anywhere, sure you'd have fun but do you want to stay 'just friends' with him?

I'm not telling you what you must do, you need to look within and listen to yourself and what's better for your own good

I pulled some angel cards and they say that it is safe to make this decision, the ball is in your court, you need to decide, look within as I said.

This is a lesson I learnt a long time ago. If he is for you, let him ago and he should come back to you, if he's not for you, don't worry, he isn't the right man for you and it's better to be alone than with the wrong man.

Hope I helped


Thank you for helping me!!

Here is my feedback on what you said.

1. This seems pretty accurate. I feel that he saw this woman as special to him and that for once, there is no logic behind the attraction or why leaving her/their parting still gets to him... that's the 8 of Swords for you. And he's an extremely logical person so I can imagine it makes him depressed.

2. This was written so well... it's so true for us. I feel like I have backed off in the past few days but I am still there as a friend to him. But just a friend. We had an emotional time where I admitted my hurt feelings and he apologized for misleading or messing things up, which I appreciated. Yet I still feel that he is having issues since a side of him seems to be very attracted to me. He almost acts like an awkward guy with a crush around me, which makes me feel satisfied that he likes to flirt with me and sees me as beautiful, yet...things are very unclear between us still, somehow, even after all this.

3. I feel that I've come to a solid conclusion that right now, I need to accept what we have and not be so emotionally invested, or just move on. I feel that the next 3-4 weeks will be very telling, to see if our friendship goes anywhere or not. It's going to be tricky for me, but I really appreciate him as a person not just as a love interest, which makes it all the harder for me.

The advice you gave me with your angel cards was beautiful and I appreciate it very much. Thanks for all your insights.

IP: Logged

sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 13, 2012 10:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dreaming111:
I think he's using you as an emotional crutch to prevent from felling lonely. He's waiting for the first girl to take him back and basically he'll clean his hands of you then. He's not really respecting you here.

However, I've been in a situation where people will tell you, warn you, even scold you from being with a person who even you recognize is wrong, but you still end up trying to make it work. It's harder to process from within a relationship.

Sometimes like a sinking ship we hold on really tight.

I see this going a few ways:
1. He'll use you for support til he gets back with his ex. Then he'll act like he never really lead you on or surprised that you are so emotional about it. He'll paint you to be the weirdo, psycho, or stalker.

2. If he doesn't get his first girl, and turns to you, you will ALWAYS be his second choice. SO even if you are married 10 years down the road, you'll not be his first but second choice. If his ex is free, he might want to try again later after having been in a relationship with you. It might lead to infidelity. Again you will cling to him like static.

3. If you get your act together, either he'll see you for you and pick you over her. Even if she is available, he should WANT you over her. Or as you get more savy, more good men will WANT you.

So I say pick option 3.

Objectives:
1. You should be independent no matter how the scenario turns out. I mean socially, emotionally, physically independent from ANY guy, esp him.

2. You want a man to PICK you. YOU should be his number one choice. You should not be someone's default. "Eh, she's hovering around, alright I guess I can get with her. Sigh, but I really want xyz girl. Oh well, woe is me. My life sucks and now I'm stuck with sweet scorpion. Sigh. Life sucks."

It should be, "Man, she is the BEST thing to happen to me. I love Sweet Scorpion more than life itself. I can't breathe without her. I need her. I want her. Sigh. I'm bleeping in LOVE with this woman. Damn. I love her. "

Now that is what you want. That is what every woman should want.

3. Don't get with a guy because he likes you for your career, or your looks, or how you behave in bed, or that you are there when he needs to vent. That is not YOU. Those are just parts of you. A man should love YOU. The whole dish. He should say, " Damn she annoys me when she fights with me, but there is no one else I would rather be with."

Plan:
1. Work on yourself.

- Stay away from emotionally draining self-esteem blowing relationships. Yes, that means in this case tell the guy that you have a lot of work that you have to catch up on. DO NOT tell him the work is on yourself. Let him think it's work work from your career. Just say you are going offline or will be unreachable until...at least 2 months later. Yes, it's not 2 weeks. That's not enough to get the right reaction from him.

- Read good books (self help- no dating, romance, nothing of that sort.)

- Watch good tv/movies (no romance, no tv shows about lovers working out their problems.)

- Have good friends that are NOT potential romantic mates. Go out, catch up.

- Doll yourself up (not to sexualize yourself.) but to get some exercise, go hiking, work on clearer skin, classy clothes (not desperate cleavage show, hoochie, I need a lay clothes)

- Get ahead in your career.

2. While you are busy improving for YOUSELF and not ANY man, he'll be missing your value in his life, since he needs a doormat to vent to. :P Just kidding, but not really, because you have become kinda a doormat for someone else to come and go and wipe their feet as they please.
- He'll wonder what you are upto.
- He'll get interested in YOU.
- He'll ask questions about YOU.
- He'll WANT to catch up.

The possibility is that he could eventually grow more into you than his ex. <--And this is what YOU want.

3. Now that you are improved, emotinally and not reliant on anyone. There will be more men and women that will come into your life.
- You will have more options.
- You might even change and want something else in your potential relationship with any man.
- You might not even want this guy.

So, yeah. Don't cling. It NEVER turns out well. If you notice that you are putting way too much effort into a potential relationship with any man, then...you are ...putting way too much into it.

The moment you get tired of putting effort into a relationship, do you want the man to go awol? NO! That is why, you work slowly addign to the pot. He puts in 10% you put in 10%. He adds 20% you add 20%. You should never lose more than the other person.

Ok that's something I learned over this past year. Took me forever in a day. I was jsut as clingy, desperate, emotionally on fire as you, probably more. I cried for almost every single day for a year. It was horrible. But I learned. That I am thankful for.


Wow... this is AMAZING advice. I am saving it to my personal files on my computer. This was totally empowering and a wonderful wake-up call to me. It's the last nail in the coffin, of what I vow to do - let him text me first, let him ask me to do things first, let HIM do the work and not me.

It's been tough for me since, as I feel it's safe to tell about this here, I have depression and anxiety problems and this can seep into my relationships with people negatively... I always feel like I'm the one who needs to make it work, but what you said about sort of being aloof and letting him wonder about me is so perfect. So great!!!! I am definitely going to follow this advice. As the summer comes to a close I'm being way more nonchalant about spending time with him, and not NEARLY as emotionally involved or really, over-involved as when I posted this to the forum. I feel I've made a break through by just rationalizing the whole thing and seeing as you said, that if he wants me, he can come and get me... I'm just happy as being friends right now too, since we really click, but I am DONE with over investing myself into making this romantic. As I figure it, let him just figure things out on his own... and as I become more self-assured I will probably in the next few months, meet some other great guys, especially since I'm more open to socializing in club scenes and in group projects than I used to be.

Again, TYSM for the beautiful advice. It was such a help to me. :')

IP: Logged

sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 13, 2012 10:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by whereabouts:
Sweet-scorpion, however he makes you feel now will multiply in intensity exponentially over time. You honestly don't need a reading to learn that. Take a step back and look at it from a fresh perspective. It sounds to me like he's playing you. What he's doing is guy code for keeping someone near enough to reel them in when they are in need of something and then casting them back out when something more interesting grabs their attention. Never accept this type of treatment from anyone, especially a man. Hold your head up and stand by yourself as a woman and never accept this manner of treatment. He is using you.


Thank you for the advice. Reading all of your posts makes me feel so much more self-confident and worthy of better treatment. I feel like right now, I have definitely removed myself emotionally from the relationship and have rationalized WAY more than I once did. I'm not even depressed anymore, I'm taking it by stride and letting him deal with the consequences of his old obsessions. I'll be a friend to him, but no way will I spend as much time with him as I used to... I'm going to let him wonder about me and MISS me instead of the other way around, and there I'm most successful so far.

IP: Logged

sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 13, 2012 10:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by andstuff:
Hi sweet-scorpion

Upon requesting a reading in your thread, I also stumbled upon this one. I did number 1) for you in xchange

King of Wands - the reason he is so attached is because she used to make him what he wanted to be. Passionate, ardent, in touch with the universe and infinity (salamanders).

Why he regrets her so much

7 swords - 8 swords - 10 swords

there was a lot of communication breakdowns and pain involved, there still is on his part. it keeps gnawing at his soul. there might have been some lying involved too.

The Empress - she is his ideal of a desirable woman. his incarnation of love descended upon earth.

The Temperance - feelings between them used to be just perfect at one point. Energy flowing. The organic and the spiritual well balanced and in sync, mutually enriching.

PS - i just wanted to add I've been on the other end of the situation. I've been that other girl remembered and regretted every day through thick and thin [someone else's, not your friend's]. It is also pretty painful. And I guess I've also been unable to replace a lover I felt the same about, never considering anyone.

If these feelings are what they are, very little can be done. They say it takes a nail to drive out another nail. It is very difficult to take the place of a person who played this sort of part and used to mean this much. No one has succeeded neither with him nor with me.

Not to say you are in any way inferior to that girl (definitely not), but well, some people take us to heaven, others cannot. Nobody's fault.


I have also drawn for him, the King of Wands... he's a Fire dominant person but also very Earthy and stable, 12th house Sun too, so he's grounded but passionate. She probably praised him a lot and stroked his ego, I wouldn't be surprised.

The triple swords card for terms of regret is distressing... obviously it still weighs heavily on his mind. The 10 of Swords I see the most - as how he continues to have the obsession of the sadness their past parting or whatever the heck happened there continues to haunt him. I guess it's up to him to learn that it's always darkest before the dawn, just as the rider-waite illustration for the card hints at. It isn't MY job anymore. I'll be there as a companion and if he ever wants to wise up, then that's his decision, right? I'm happy to be his friend, since he's opened a lot of doors for me socially - I'd been in a major depressing rut socially until this point - so just calling quits on our whole relationship would hurt him and me and seem to be a mistake.

I definitely see 7 of Swords as lying. Maybe she lied to him, broke his heart? He isn't the lying type IMO... but then again we've only known each other for so long. So who knows. But he doesn't seem to be the lying type to me, since he immediately came out and said all of this heavy stuff pretty soon after I expressed how dating might be fun.

The Empress makes me sad... makes me feel like I can't be beautiful enough to him or something. Oh well. I think he appreciates my appearance but to me, this card causes weird feelings of self-doubt and bitterness... don't know why. I can also see Temperance as meaning something else for the reading. In terms of our relationship I have actually picked this myself multiple times. I feel for me, it shows that I should leave a lot of the work up to him instead of shouldering this entire burden myself... meaning, we need to blend together, not one person doing all the work to make it loving.

TYSM for giving me a reading, I really identify so much with what you chose for me. I definitely have a better clarity of what is going on. Things are obviously painful for all three of us. Not as much for me anymore. But I never even stopped to think how the other girl feels or if she's even a good person who didn't want any of this to happen...

IP: Logged

sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 13, 2012 10:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by isabelle_lila:
Hi sweet-scorpion,

1. Why is he so connected to this woman of the past? How can he break away?

I pick up the fool R, the 4 of coins and the papess. He fall madly in love with her, she appears at a time of success and in his eyes she is the sucess itself. And she represent an ideal. There was a very good exchange between them.

2. How does he actually see me or feel about me? He sees you as his lucky charm, as his little fairy who gives him a bit of magic. And yes he had feelings for you but not as much as he had once for another person. So he know that it will end up like this between you too and to stop before he hurt you too much, he stopped the relationship

3. And most importantly - should I leave him behind totally and move on, or just keep him as a friend and only a friend?
I pick up the fool R, the 9 of baton and the papesse. I see that continuing this sort of unclear relationship won't be good for you. You need resolved and you need to be the ideal woman of someone.
I don't say : stop talking to him. I just say, you need clear bondaries. are we more than friend or not ?

I hope, it helped you a bit.

Courage.


Thanks for offering your advice/readings as well... I'm absolutely overwhelmed at the wonderful support I'm getting for this!!!

I really see the Fool RX - R for Rx right? - as what could've happened to him. He took a leap of faith with her and it ended up going wrong at some point, or really, he didn't look before he leapt. He probably fell for her without giving it a second thought and maybe something else was going on in her life like a current relationship/another guy that could've caused problems too. You never know. But to me, Fool Rx in terms of love shows someone who is so enamored and excited that they don't even see the rocky cliffs as they walk a path of love and infatuation. Something is going sour somewhere but they can only smell the roses... 4 of Pents with the High Priestess is probably where the pull/obsession stems from. 4 of Pents to me shows never letting go of something, as if you can hold onto it forever... and if she was the HP, maybe she was somewhat distant and mysterious to him, not as openly available and this made him want her more. But she had the upper hand?

It's sad yet makes me happy to see that he does like me and feel attracted to me in some way, yet knows he can't go on... I just wonder if he ever will. But even though it's sad, I've come to the conclusion that it ISN'T the end of my dating life or my life in general that this is happening. No need to be so dramatic about it. It's HIM missing out if he continues on for year and years about this other girl. I can't do much else besides be there in his life as a friend. It's up to him now on what he wants to do. I can't change anything and it's hard for me since I'm so controlling but, I'm going to learn to let go.

You make perfect sense when you say, set boundaries and keep the relationship going. That seems necessary even right now. Since he continues to comment on how I look nice and how attractive I am [not calling me attractive but definitely hinting at it, how he likes me and thinks I'm beautiful] and it makes me happy yet, uncomfortable. Since I'm a Scorpionic person and once you cut me out in a certain way, you ain't gonna get any wiggle room. It's all or nothing. I might have to talk with him about the boundary issue in the next few days if the need comes up. And with your words I won't be afraid too. Thank you!!

IP: Logged

isabelle_lila
Knowflake

Posts: 951
From: france
Registered: May 2011

posted August 14, 2012 10:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for isabelle_lila     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by sweet-scorpion:
Thanks for offering your advice/readings as well... I'm absolutely overwhelmed at the wonderful support I'm getting for this!!!

I really see the Fool RX - R for Rx right? - as what could've happened to him. He took a leap of faith with her and it ended up going wrong at some point, or really, he didn't look before he leapt. He probably fell for her without giving it a second thought and maybe something else was going on in her life like a current relationship/another guy that could've caused problems too. You never know. But to me, Fool Rx in terms of love shows someone who is so enamored and excited that they don't even see the rocky cliffs as they walk a path of love and infatuation. Something is going sour somewhere but they can only smell the roses... 4 of Pents with the High Priestess is probably where the pull/obsession stems from. 4 of Pents to me shows never letting go of something, as if you can hold onto it forever... and if she was the HP, maybe she was somewhat distant and mysterious to him, not as openly available and this made him want her more. But she had the upper hand?

It's sad yet makes me happy to see that he does like me and feel attracted to me in some way, yet knows he can't go on... I just wonder if he ever will. But even though it's sad, I've come to the conclusion that it ISN'T the end of my dating life or my life in general that this is happening. No need to be so dramatic about it. It's HIM missing out if he continues on for year and years about this other girl. I can't do much else besides be there in his life as a friend. It's up to him now on what he wants to do. I can't change anything and it's hard for me since I'm so controlling but, I'm going to learn to let go.

You make perfect sense when you say, set boundaries and keep the relationship going. That seems necessary even right now. Since he continues to comment on how I look nice and how attractive I am [not calling me attractive but definitely hinting at it, how he likes me and thinks I'm beautiful] and it makes me happy yet, uncomfortable. Since I'm a Scorpionic person and once you cut me out in a certain way, you ain't gonna get any wiggle room. It's all or nothing. I might have to talk with him about the boundary issue in the next few days if the need comes up. And with your words I won't be afraid too. Thank you!!


Yes R means Rx. What is interresting is that this card have been pick two time rx for you.

I'm like you: a all or nothing type of person so I understand.

I think you will have to talk extremelly clearly to him because having a vague relationship is you is the simpliest one he found.

Please, keep us updated.

IP: Logged

sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 20, 2012 10:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by isabelle_lila:
Yes R means Rx. What is interresting is that this card have been pick two time rx for you.

I'm like you: a all or nothing type of person so I understand.

I think you will have to talk extremelly clearly to him because having a vague relationship is you is the simpliest one he found.

Please, keep us updated.


Hey... I actually wanted to update you on this entire mess. I don't know why. It just depresses me talking about it since, as the cards predicted, I certainly was a fool.

On impulse I stayed over at his house, thinking we'd have fun and we'd just hang out platonically. Maybe in the back of my mind I knew he'd do something and I didn't care. I was ignoring all the red flags and being a total idiot. I had a little to drink and was acting buzzed, but not flat-out drunk, yet my heart sinks realizing maybe things got worse since he thought I was actually flat-out drunk and would not remember anything that happened. Long story short, we made out very intensely and passionately and even laid in his bed, but he didn't initiate anything further that was sexual. I felt sick from what I drank and was buzzed as I said but coherent and remembered it all, yet the next morning he jokingly asked how much I remembered. SO I answered honestly, everything. We hugged and kissed a few more times that morning and he took me back. I thought we got over the 'friends' barrier at long last. But then the next few days things got weird. He texted me a lot and kept in contact but it was nothing romantic... not like, 'wow I had a nice time' or 'we should hang out again soon'. Something intuitively felt amiss to me. I thought by this point we'd be getting closer. I went to see him at work the next day and asked if we could spend time together, he said yes. Seemed to be having a good time with me, and we planned on going out somewhere. No call all day the next day. My gut screams, he's avoiding you! And it hurts since I know I'll be right. SO finally I put my foot down and text him coldly, Why are you avoiding me? And he admits to it, says he doesn't know what he wants, only wants us to be friends, etc. EVEN after all that at his house! I snapped inside. I felt sad at first but got VERY angry. Needless to say, I verbally kicked his ass. I accused him of all the bad things he's done to me and set the record straight. I called him out on all of it, taking advantage of me, etc. It's so obvious he only used me as a sex object for when he was bored since I'm good looking and didn't want to follow through with it after. I am so disgusted inside right now that it ended up happening at all. I am just so glad though it wasn't sex or something NC-17. I am relieved I trusted in myself to not do anything like that and keep it less passionate. I just cannot believe he did not have the guts, the balls to just come out and say like a man, I really made a mistake doing that with you and I'm sorry, etc. He never owned up to it and kept me in the dark for days, let things seem like they were normal... and I was too sensitive around him, too stupid to notice. Even when we tried to kiss in the car and he didn't seem into it, I asked, do you really like me or what? And he said, Oh, it's just because I'm tired and it's the environment not you. So even little things like that led me into a false sense of security.

After the entire thing I drew cards for him and got the Magician, HOW APPROPRIATE.

So, everyone... you were right. He's a real tool and I am such a dummy for ever doing this, getting into it all. The sad part is, I really did like it at first. He completely led me on. The entire thing is such a nightmare and I feel like everything is dull and the future seems bleak in general since my friend and I had a falling out and I really have nobody right now in real life besides my family, and I feel like there isn't much left for me at the moment. I know it seems dramatic but I feel like all the hard work, progress and things I have done for him/our relationship have just fallen flat, they were useless efforts and I got nothing from it. Just sadness and anger. I am so confused, and lonely right now. I'm glad he owned up to it all partially, like how I do too much for him and how he was avoiding me, but I can't believe he didn't admit it to me in person, and just blew me off. He is honesty another one of those weirdo types I tend to attract but it hurt since he seemed not to be on a first glance. I really am hurting right now and I hope somehow I can get better. I need help.

IP: Logged

Dreaming111
Knowflake

Posts: 1294
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted August 21, 2012 01:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dreaming111     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ok girl, your friends are awol, life sucks, this douche is still a douche, but you still have us.

Seriously, you should vent anytime on here.

If you want to vent in private send me your yahoo or gmail.

Fact is life sucks; I'm barely trying to get over that guy 'A', the guy I asked a reading from you about. It's been almost 5 months since we last spoke. I wished him a happy birthday Aug 13th, only because he wished me on mine even after I told him to stop contacting me. I guess I didn't want to end up feeling guilty over something as silly as not wishing someone on a birthday.

At first I cried EVERY SINGLE day. No seriously. Because it was long distance I used to fantasize about him when down or lonely and then whenever I had spare time. All I thought about was us and ...--this is kinda embarrassing but I used to play make believe...lol *blushes*

I used to imagine him coming home from work, cuddling with me, saying the right words at the right moments, cheering me up etc. So though he was away, he was always around me. When I got flooded with my stupidity and his dishonesty, I was shocked. I didn't and couldn't believe it. I'd repeat all the hurts and the proof in my head again and again, but no avail. I'd think of the proof that he was a good guy to me.

People can be nice people, but may not be relationship material is what I learned. I mean, yes he had his moments where he was great to me, but I asked myself important questions.

1. Can I spend the rest of my life with a man, who gives me mere... moments?

2. Can I feel this underappreciated/ under valued, neglected, misunderstood for the rest of my life?

3. If he's not 100% present mentally with me, then where is he the other percent of the time and more importantly with who? Can I live the rest of my life in this dynamic?

4. If I were to put feelings, especially the sexual connotation aside, and if I were to assume he was an alien from mars, would I consider that alien a friend?
Has that alien provided consistent gestures, actions to support that friendship? Or is that alien duping me, making me look like a fool? So would I be his genuine, pal pal, friend, not the "Oh hey what's up? How have you been? Cheer up Doll. Bye!" kinda friend. I mean the friend, I can count on to pick me up from the airport at 3 am, the one that will defend me at a bar, the one that will let me cry for hours on his/ her shoulder. That kind friend. So would I be his friend, if we have no romantic thing going on?


The answer was a resounding Hell NO! I don't like liars for a friend so then how would I let a liar be my boyfriend and promote him to a husband one day? IMPOSSIBLE.

Fact is either:
1. He changes and I try again with extreme caution and with low low expectations.

2. I let him go realizing that if I was his one, he'd have held on tight in the first place... He'd have done what he could to make it work. I know I tried to fight myself to make it work for so many months. If he can't even lift his finger well there you go. He never really cared. I honestly don't care if he has an emotional block, like you said he had in the reading. That's up to him to figure out. I cannot be a mind reader nor a nagging mom. I want to be productive in life and pay back and reward people, who were good to me. That leaves me with little room to mess around with confused people, who would toss me aside a used toilet paper roll.

I felt like **** initially. I still do sometimes, when I realize the enormous amount of energy I invested and spent EVEN when the signs were there. I lost a lot of self confidence and really doubted myself after that fiasco.

I ended up hating myself and hating him more for making me hate myself. I hated him because he didn't fulfill his role that I painted for him in my life. <--Pause a second. Do you see how flawed my views were?

He is what he was and is. I had no right in pretending that he was something other than what he was. That's ALL I did. I made him up!
Sigh. I guess when my feet hit the track I took off running and didn't turn to see whether he was running next to me or not.

I don't blame myself too much now. I feel like I learned tremendously. I too did not give him too much physically for that I'm extremely thankful for.

In reality I simplified love after these events. Love and caring for someone you like is not about the grand romantic gestures, or the bookish stories we read. It's not about the sex, the hot bods, the trophy aspect of someone on your arm. It's not about the "I love yous." No, it's truly not. If a mentally retarded child or a mute child never once uttered those words, do you think the mother would feel less loved? No, she could see it in the child's eyes, smile, gestures. Does she need to hear those words to feel the love of that child? No. Now contrast that to a spoiled brat that says I love you the moment she gets a new pair of heels. Hearing I love you means nothing. What about when a significant other says I love you and then orders a hitman to off you? Or when a friend says she loves you but sleeps with your bf? Or when your husband says he loves you but sleeps with a coworker? That is NOT love; that is not even liking someone.

If you like someone you don't intend to ever, ever hurt that person. If someone hurts you, then you have to question that person's value in your life.

I realized if 'A' loved me like he professed, then he wouldn't have done what he did. He wouldn't have ever made those 'mistakes'. He wouldn't have let me get away. He'd have made a real, DISCERNABLE effort to win me back. Yes "win" me back. He hasn't done any of that, so I conclude he never really loved me. End of story. The delusion stops with that.

Will I take him back if he utters mere words? Hell no. I'll tell him, " I'm really busy getting my life in order. I just am not in the right position at this moment to start a relationship. I hope you understand." Done. I could be evil and say, " Oh sure! I missed you and let's try at it again." Then let him squirm while I make a fool out of him. Muhaha....Wait did I type that? jk, lol. No, I would never do that. It's pointless to seek revenge, though one would love to...

If I think, I've seen a difference. I'll still tell him to prove it to me. And if he's so inclined he will. If not, thank god I'm not messing around with that. lol

Also, when people dupe you emotionally, it's a learning point for you. Why were you so easily duped? I asked myself tons of questions. I'm 100% gonna apply all I learned from this to any future relationship.

The best advice I can give you is watch pranks and gags on youtube and get busy with school or work. Do not let yourself have free time for as many months as it takes. Do not write in a journal. You never want to wallow in these emotions again. You don't want any memory of feeling down, sorry for yourself. Flood this time with life, the good life. Learn to develop a friendship with yourself.

Again I'm here if you need to vent.


IP: Logged

Janah
Knowflake

Posts: 65
From: Berkeley, CA
Registered: Aug 2012

posted August 21, 2012 12:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Janah     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dreaming111:
I think he's using you as an emotional crutch to prevent from felling lonely. He's waiting for the first girl to take him back and basically he'll clean his hands of you then. He's not really respecting you here.

However, I've been in a situation where people will tell you, warn you, even scold you from being with a person who even you recognize is wrong, but you still end up trying to make it work. It's harder to process from within a relationship.

Sometimes like a sinking ship we hold on really tight.

I see this going a few ways:
1. He'll use you for support til he gets back with his ex. Then he'll act like he never really lead you on or surprised that you are so emotional about it. He'll paint you to be the weirdo, psycho, or stalker.

2. If he doesn't get his first girl, and turns to you, you will ALWAYS be his second choice. SO even if you are married 10 years down the road, you'll not be his first but second choice. If his ex is free, he might want to try again later after having been in a relationship with you. It might lead to infidelity. Again you will cling to him like static.

3. If you get your act together, either he'll see you for you and pick you over her. Even if she is available, he should WANT you over her. Or as you get more savy, more good men will WANT you.

So I say pick option 3.

Objectives:
1. You should be independent no matter how the scenario turns out. I mean socially, emotionally, physically independent from ANY guy, esp him.

2. You want a man to PICK you. YOU should be his number one choice. You should not be someone's default. "Eh, she's hovering around, alright I guess I can get with her. Sigh, but I really want xyz girl. Oh well, woe is me. My life sucks and now I'm stuck with sweet scorpion. Sigh. Life sucks."

It should be, "Man, she is the BEST thing to happen to me. I love Sweet Scorpion more than life itself. I can't breathe without her. I need her. I want her. Sigh. I'm bleeping in LOVE with this woman. Damn. I love her. "

Now that is what you want. That is what every woman should want.

3. Don't get with a guy because he likes you for your career, or your looks, or how you behave in bed, or that you are there when he needs to vent. That is not YOU. Those are just parts of you. A man should love YOU. The whole dish. He should say, " Damn she annoys me when she fights with me, but there is no one else I would rather be with."

Plan:
1. Work on yourself.

- Stay away from emotionally draining self-esteem blowing relationships. Yes, that means in this case tell the guy that you have a lot of work that you have to catch up on. DO NOT tell him the work is on yourself. Let him think it's work work from your career. Just say you are going offline or will be unreachable until...at least 2 months later. Yes, it's not 2 weeks. That's not enough to get the right reaction from him.

- Read good books (self help- no dating, romance, nothing of that sort.)

- Watch good tv/movies (no romance, no tv shows about lovers working out their problems.)

- Have good friends that are NOT potential romantic mates. Go out, catch up.

- Doll yourself up (not to sexualize yourself.) but to get some exercise, go hiking, work on clearer skin, classy clothes (not desperate cleavage show, hoochie, I need a lay clothes)

- Get ahead in your career.

2. While you are busy improving for YOUSELF and not ANY man, he'll be missing your value in his life, since he needs a doormat to vent to. :P Just kidding, but not really, because you have become kinda a doormat for someone else to come and go and wipe their feet as they please.
- He'll wonder what you are upto.
- He'll get interested in YOU.
- He'll ask questions about YOU.
- He'll WANT to catch up.

The possibility is that he could eventually grow more into you than his ex. <--And this is what YOU want.

3. Now that you are improved, emotinally and not reliant on anyone. There will be more men and women that will come into your life.
- You will have more options.
- You might even change and want something else in your potential relationship with any man.
- You might not even want this guy.

So, yeah. Don't cling. It NEVER turns out well. If you notice that you are putting way too much effort into a potential relationship with any man, then...you are ...putting way too much into it.

The moment you get tired of putting effort into a relationship, do you want the man to go awol? NO! That is why, you work slowly addign to the pot. He puts in 10% you put in 10%. He adds 20% you add 20%. You should never lose more than the other person.

Ok that's something I learned over this past year. Took me forever in a day. I was jsut as clingy, desperate, emotionally on fire as you, probably more. I cried for almost every single day for a year. It was horrible. But I learned. That I am thankful for.


This is perfect advice!

IP: Logged

sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 21, 2012 12:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dreaming111:
Ok girl, your friends are awol, life sucks, this douche is still a douche, but you still have us.

Seriously, you should vent anytime on here.

If you want to vent in private send me your yahoo or gmail.

Fact is life sucks I'm barely trying to get over that guy 'A', the guy I asked a reading from you about. It's been almost 5 months.

At first I cried EVERY SINGLE day. No seriously. Because it was long distance I used to fantasize about him whne down or lonely and then whenever I had spare time. All I thought about was us and ...--this is kinda embarrassing but I used to play make believe...lol *blushes*

I used to imagine him coming home from work, cuddling with me, saying the right words at the right moments, cheering me up etc. So though he was away, he was always around me. When I got flooded with my stupidity and his dishonesty, I was shocked. I didn't and couldn't believe it. I'd repeat all the hurts and the proof in my head again and again, but no avail. I'd think of the proof that he was a good guy to me.

People can be nice people, but may not be relationship material is what I learned. I mean, yes he had his moments where he was great to me, but I asked myself important questions.

1. Can I spend the rest of my life with a man, who gives me mere moments?

2. Can I feel this underappreciated/ under valued, neglected, misunderstood for hte rest of my life?

3. If he's not 100% present mentally with me, then where is he the other percent of hte time and more importantly with who? Can I live the rest of my life in this dynamic?

4. If I were to put feelings, especially the sexual connotation aside, and if I were to assume he was an alien from mars, would I consider that alien a friend?
Has that alien provided consistent gestures, actions to support that friendship? Or is that alien duping me, making me look like a fool? So would I be his genuine, pal pal, friend,not the "Oh hey what's up? How have you been? Cheer up Doll. Bye!" kinda friend. I mean the friend I can count on to pick me up from the airport at 3 am, the one that will defend me at a bar, the one that will let me cry for hours on his/ her shoulder. That kind friend. So would I be his friend, if we have no romantic thing going on?

I ended up hating myself and hating him more for making me hate myself. I hated him because he didn't fulfill his role that I painted for him in my life. <--Pause a second. Do you see how flawed my views were?

He is what he was and is. I had no right in pretending that he was something other than what he was. That's ALL I did. I made him up!
Sigh. I guess when my feet hit the track I took off running and didn't turn to see whether he was running next to me or not.

I don't blame myself too much now. I feel like I learned tremendously. I too did not give him too much physically for that I'm extremely thankful for.

In reality I simplified love after these events. Love and caring for someone you like is not about the grand romantic gestures, or the bookish stories we read. It's not about the sex, the hot bods, the trophy aspect of someone on your arm. It's not about the "I love yous." No, it's not. If a mentally retarded child or a mute child never once uttered those words, do you think the mother would feel less loved? No, she could see it in the child's eyes, smile, gestures. Does she need to hear those words to feel the love of that child? No. Now contrast that to a spoiled brat that says I love you the moment she gets a new pair of heels. Hearing I love you means nothing. What about when a significant other says I love you and then orders a hitman to off you? Or when a friend says she loves you but sleeps with your bf? Or when your husband says he loves you but sleeps with a coworker? That is NOT love not even like.

If you like someone you don't intend to ever hurt that person. If someone hurts you, then you have to question that person's value in your life.

I realized if 'A' loved me like he professed then he wouldn't have done what he did. He wouldn't have ever made those 'mistakes'. He wouldn't have let me get away. He'd have made a real, discernable effort to win me back. Yes "win" me back. He hasn't done any of that, so I conclude he never really loved me. End of story. The delusion stops with that.

Will I take him back if he utters mere words? Hell no. I'll tell him, " I'm really busy getting my life in order. I just am not in the right position at this moment to start a relationship. I hope you understand." Done. I could be evil and say, " Oh sure! I missed you and let's try at it again." Then let him squirm while I make a fool out of him. Muhaha....Wait did I type that? jk, lol. No, I would never do that. It's pointless to seek revenge, though one would love to.

If I think, I've seen a difference. I'll still tell him to prove it to me. And if he's so inclined he will. If not, thank god I'm not messing around with that. lol

Also, when people dupe you emotionally, it's a learning point for you. Why were you so easily duped? I asked myself tons of questions. I'm 100% gonna apply all I learned from this to any future relationship.

The best advice I can give you is watch pranks and gags on youtube and get busy with school or work. Do not let yourself have free time for as many months as it takes. Do not write in a journal. You never want to wallow in these emotions again. You don't want any memory of feeling down, sorry for yourself. Flood this time with life, the good life. Learn to develop a friendship with yourself.

Again I'm here if you need to vent.


Wow... you are an amazing person Dreaming. Thank you for being so supportive to me. Really, it means a lot. It's so sweet of you to reach out and offer me e-mail. I love to pen-pal with people too so we should totally do that sometime, if you'd like. I also like to be there for people when they need me, so I have your back. Here is my e-mail address: oceansofstars@yahoo.com.

I'm really, really sorry that you're going through something similar. I have no shame in admitting now that my Borderline personality issues and depression combine and make me a wreck when I get into romantic situations like these, and I think as you said, guys can sense my vulnerability and act on it to take advantage of me. I'm currently trying to go to therapy and get help for both these problems and to learn how to not be so enamored and easily taken advantage of either....

When you said "I let him go realizing that if I was his one, he'd have held on tight in the first place" I really recognized these feelings in myself, your pain and how bad this feels. How in my scenario also, he just threw in the towel before we even tried. I feel so taken advantage of it isn't even funny. We were so intimate at his house, hugging affectionately and everything... I felt genuinely cared for by him, he said how much he is attracted to me, etc. Then to just blow me off like that and do this to me, to just be so bipolar and pretend it never happened... I have no idea what went wrong. It's difficult for me but I'm somehow trying to process that he's a moody, childish and very immature person beneath his outer competent facade and it's HIS issue this whole thing broke down not mine. He admitted to doing the wrong thing at least, but like a big baby he couldn't say it to my face and acted like nothing was wrong days before hand, only to just casually blow me off and pretend nothing was wrong. I guess I was just second best to him. He's such a con artist in a way, that I'm sure he would have maybe gone with me if his friend hadn't invited him out, since he had nothing else to do. And was waiting to hear from his friend which is why he didn't call me. He even had the guts to invite me out for the next day to spend time with a group of people but not alone. It was so obvious to me what he was doing and he's a moron if he didn't believe I could see right through it all. One interesting thing with this whole relationship is that I had incredibly painful intuition the entire time about everything, but sometimes I ignored it because like you said you did, I just fantasized about it all going so perfectly, us eventually getting together, etc... but in the end it was clear to me that I was trying to mix oil and water and get good results, the two just can't mix and it was all pointless. I tried too hard like a dummy and now I'm getting it back. I should have trusted my gut and just separated from him weeks ago. But at least the entire affair was less than a month long. In some situations it goes on for months like yours which makes me very angry even thinking about that.

I really hope we can both get over these ******* guys who have done bad things to us. We should e-mail in the near future if you'd like. Thanks for giving me good advice. I'm trying to busy myself with a part time job I secured which makes me really happy, since I got it on the spot and I love the place where I went in, and I'm doing a lot of good volunteer work which also makes me fulfilled. I guess it's just because I have nobody right now, not even a good friend to talk to in RL (she's away) that's making me bitter and depressed.

IP: Logged

Dreaming111
Knowflake

Posts: 1294
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted August 21, 2012 03:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dreaming111     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm glad people seem to be liking my advice. Who knew? I think it's my chiron in the 7th. I guess I can work other people's problems out but it's more difficult myself.

Not to worry though, no amount of astrology is stopping me from leading a better life and working on myself.

Sweet-scorpion, I'm glad yours was around a month. We met and started falling apart nearly 10 months later. It took 8 months of then onn off contact and constant fighting to completely shut him out. 8 months. Now it's been 5 months since we last spoke and I still think of him. Yes, every friggin day. I hate that. But honestly it's so much better. I realized that completely shutting him out of my life REALLY REALLY helped. I think the whole thing was protracted unnecessarily because I was in contact with him after things started falling apart. The 8 months could have been shorter.

Anyway, we always learn things don't we?

I think he might have feelings for me still but I'm not ready nor acclimatized to dealing with the possibility of more nonsense.

To people who play games in love, don't. Honestly, even if he wanted to get back with me, I can tell you it would be an exhausting uphill battle for him. I simply would need proof from afar that he wouldn't hurt me again like that. I mean, let's face it. If I already test drove a potential relationship with him and invested 'n' amount of time, who is to say it wouldn't happen again? And if I'm gonna have a sucky relationship with him, I would rather just try to make things work with some other guy. Who knows? Maybe my time and efforts in another guy would be appreciated and I would end up in a happy and healthy relationship. So I think now if he even wanted to get me chained up again and all over him with my eggs in one basket, I say,"Phfff, tough cookies. Not happening." I am NEVER doing that again.

There is a quote I keep running into a lot.

"If people show you who they are....believe them." Simply believe it. Don't make excuses.

Anyway I added you. Look forward to chatting with you soon. Take care.

IP: Logged

sweet-scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1292
From: PA, USA
Registered: Apr 2012

posted August 21, 2012 05:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweet-scorpion     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dreaming111:
I'm glad people seem to be liking my advice. Who knew? I think it's my chiron in the 7th. I guess I can work other people's problems out but it's more difficult myself.

Not to worry though, no amount of astrology is stopping me from leading a better life and working on myself.

Sweet-scorpion, I'm glad yours was around a month. We met and started falling apart nearly 10 months later. It took 8 months of then onn off contact and constant fighting to completely shut him out. 8 months. Now it's been 5 months since we last spoke and I still think of him. Yes, every friggin day. I hate that. But honestly it's so much better. I realized that completely shutting him out of my life REALLY REALLY helped. I think the whole thing was protracted unnecessarily because I was in contact with him after things started falling apart. The 8 months could have been shorter.

Anyway, we always learn things don't we?

I think he might have feelings for me still but I'm not ready nor acclimatized to dealing with the possibility of more nonsense.

To people who play games in love, don't. Honestly, even if he wanted to get back with me, I can tell you it would be an exhausting uphill battle for him. I simply would need proof from afar that he wouldn't hurt me again like that. I mean, let's face it. If I already test drove a potential relationship with him and invested 'n' amount of time, who is to say it wouldn't happen again? And if I'm gonna have a sucky relationship with him, I would rather just try to make things work with some other guy. Who knows? Maybe my time and efforts in another guy would be appreciated and I would end up in a happy and healthy relationship. So I think now if he even wanted to get me chained up again and all over him with my eggs in one basket, I say,"Phfff, tough cookies. Not happening." I am NEVER doing that again.

There is a quote I keep running into a lot.

"If people show you who they are....believe them." Simply believe it. Don't make excuses.

Anyway I added you. Look forward to chatting with you soon. Take care.


What you said in the last part, the quote there... it's so true. I feel like crying now even though I vowed to myself I would not cry. I'm holding it back. I was a depressed, weird mess earlier and a family member came over and said I was scaring them, seemed psycho, etc... they just don't get how hard this is hitting me from the BPD. Romance triggers me and when a break-up happens or I feel alone I become intensely troubled from the abandonment things. I'm seeing a doctor soon hopefully which makes it better I guess... but you know how it is. Feeling totally heart broken doesn't just go away even if you're on a good therapy or medication regime. Even if you're luckier than me and have never had psychiatric issues I know that you still know what I mean... nothing can actually fully take the heart break and pain away when this kind of thing happens especially if you are sensitive as we both seem to be.

That's terrible. I really wish it could have all been shorter for you. It seems like in your case maybe it was a slower burn whereas in mine, it was a nasty, intense explosion and extremely volatile. I'm almost glad that it wasn't so drawn out yet the intense pain of separation so suddenly is really killing me. It's not even really his redeeming qualities or anything, it's just the fact that I feel so duped, so used... so alone again and it hurts more than anyone can know.

But I completely agree with what you said. It's like my mom told me yesterday: MOVE ON. That was her simple but sage advice. She even admitted she could see the BS from a mile away and tried to drop hints to me gently but I was too wrapped up to see. In situations like these, with people as we've been with, things sometimes just can't work out no matter how hard we try. It's almost like trying to lose weight on an high fat diet. It just isn't going to happen. You'll probably enjoy some aspects of it, like the heat of the moment when you let yourself eat red velvet cakes for lunch and a big mac for dinner [this is comparing the heat of the moment we both felt with the guys], but in the end you suffer and end up beating yourself up about becoming fat [or in the relationship sense, having everything suddenly fall through and fail since failure was inevitable]. LOL. That actually made me laugh. :') That's a good start.

It's completely evident that we both deserve people who appreciate our efforts more. I really busted my ass trying to make it work and look at where that got me. As I said, it's clear to me now that sometimes it can't work no matter how stubborn you are, or how nice you are, or even how beautiful you are. In my instance, I probably could have been Mila Kunis or someone even more sexy and he would have remained wishy-washy and a user.

Thank you for adding me. I'm checking right now. It'll be fun to talk I'm sure. You were really sweet to me during all this and it means more than you know.

IP: Logged

Doux Rêve
Moderator

Posts: 2344
From:
Registered: Dec 2010

posted August 22, 2012 08:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Doux Rêve     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Guys, sorry to interrupt you, I feel the need to chime in, maybe neither of you will check this thread again but anyway..


I can relate to Dreaming's story SO much, it's scary.. The guy I was in love with for the past 2 years and a half, his name started with an "A", too.. and he totally disrespected me after making me think that he loved me. I think he did feel attracted to me but eventually he got scared and ran away, but in the process he made me suffer like no one ever did. Never told me why he did the things he did. He lied to me several times, subtly insulted me and ignored me like dozens of times. Everytime, I kept running back to him because I couldn't take the fact that he'd be out of my life forever.

The longest time we spent apart and without conctact was ALSO 8 months.... how weird is that?? Then I contacted him again and after being kind and casual he went back to ingoring me.. and that's when I said STOP. I sent him one last message, casual, saying see you another time, bye. But in my head, it's all over.


After SO much time wasted on trying to make it work.. I have finally realized that I've been fooled and taken for granted.

I was so depressed and angry, for a VERY long time.. still not over it, at ALL.

I have a boyfriend now, but the feelings aren't there... After what happened with the last guy, I have severe trust issues and I am not ready to fall in love again. Screw them all. I don't wanna be fooled ever again.


Also.. sweet-scorpion.. how interesting, I had BPD symptoms as well, a few months back. For some reason they were intensified by this guy and I went completely psycho on him, honestly. I almost lost my sanity..

I can relate to you guys so much...


Damn, life can be hard.

Anyway, I wish you all the best, and please take good care of yourselves and don't let anyone treat you disrespectufully.


Ps. Great advice, Dreaming, really great.

IP: Logged


This topic is 2 pages long:   1  2 

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright © 2013

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a