posted June 17, 2014 06:19 PM            

Since the 4th of Oct. 2012- around the date that Saturn entered Scorpio where it was when I was born- I have felt the heaviness significantly. Not just a little off, no I feel it crazily deep.
A breakup followed by deep and heavily felt heartache. It was on that exact day. During mediation an image of someone breaking in my house and walking all the way back to my bedroom and stabbing me with a kitchen knife has come up two times since October 2012. Talk about being afraid of getting my heart broke. It makes me cry.

Slander at work- I used to love my job. I woke up happy to go to work. It took me a while to enjoy that but I did! I couldn't wait for Monday! I felt so lucky, connected with myself. Until a client enraged by jealousy anonymously called my employer and tried to.. who knows what she tried. It didn't work because my employers know me well and defended/supported me. I felt so loved and appreciated by them. Anyway that was last Fall 2013 and since then it just hasn't been the same at work. I was relocated "for my safety" but it also just happened to fit in with a couple managers understaffing at a different location. So I had to work with new staff, new clients etc. new demographics, new commute, new hours. Well, lets just say that it wasn't the best fit. I know all of this is the universe telling me I'm probably not in the right field. But I wasn't planning on changing careers so now I'm just lost as to what I should do next. Honestly though I liked the pretty building, the nice people I worked with before. The field itself can be too sad for me, I'm sensitive.
My new manager yelled at me one day- he's going through his Saturn Return too. It was my birthday too. When you know more than your immediate supervisor you risk getting yelled at. Then apologized to as well. I am so proud of myself for the way I handled myself. I love myself, I love the way I handled it. I never knew how confidant I was.

Rent increased- Well first I got a really nice break in the money dept. and I think it was a "test".. I really think I failed it because that was in 2013 and now in 2014 my housing costs went way up. Like way way up. I should be ok financially because of that break I got last year. But no. I'm not. I am dissapointed in myself because I have ZERO savings. I'm stuggling to make ends meet. My income did not go up along with my costs. I'm so dissapointed in myself for not saving more when I had a chance.

Family responsibilities sky-rocketed- They really are the same as always but I just feel like I should be responsible. Its time to give, care for others etc. But I want to be cared for too but there is nobody to do that for me. I'm older now I shouldn't be needy for a caregiver.
Its very hard to have to provide shelter, safety and nurturing for little ones when no one provides it for me. As a woman it just really feels lonely, empty. Vulnerable. Anyone can date me for two years and then stop having feelings for me. Just break my heart. Anyone can call my employer and say mean things. Superiors can yell at me, slam the door and yell at me more and then the next day say "Oh I'm sorry I'm just overwhelmed" and call it good. Well it IS all good. But still. Its a very lonely scary feeling. I don't have anything to prove to anyone- including myself. I know I'm capable of paying and providing; studying, working, loving. I have been doing it for so long.

My questions are what should I focus my energies on? Career or love? or Saving or my home? My kids? Or myself? It all needs my attention but as far as this Saturn thing goes, what should I be doing right now?

And I really really wanted to be happily married with a bunch of kids now. Be one of those moms that helps in the classroom. But that is obviously not what the universe has planned for me. What are some remedies for this? I almost don't want to have kids just so that they don't have to go through a Saturn Return. Seriously. Plus I'm alone, unmarried, zero savings. Kind of depressed. No child deserves to come into that world. Nobody is attracted to that anyway. What are some suggestions/remedies for when my mind goes to that place, that realization that that particular dream is just not going to happen?

I have a lot of fear and anxiety now. Its like I'm just waiting for the next "test" in life. I have two small kids and I fear that my next test might have to do with them. I really don't want anything bad to ever ever happen to them. I would die. I rather everything else crumble before me. I hope and pray that they will be ok.