posted January 01, 2015 12:03 PM            

I don't think I will live beyond this year.
And for you guys going "stop being so selfish" - "shaddap - only trying to draw sympathy" etc etc. - go f*** yourselves.

I believe there has been a vendetta against me since I was very small. From parents, teachers, peers etc. They will need to deal with that, and think about that, when I am no longer here, and of course they did know me better than most and they will be able to give an objective opinion - no matter how much they hated me or professed to ignore me.

It was not my fault my ex husband was an addict of very strange porn and also a computer game addict/.unfaithful. I wanted to make a nice life with him and pulled out all the stops to do that. He did not want to know and so I divorced him. He got a Russian wife as no Western woman would have had him, and has had the kids he wanted from her. If you are in the business of trade offs, I suppose that is fair. (They live with his mother, who is a certified witch).

From the job point of view I have been shouting into thin air ever since the year dot and had no help whatsoever, not even state help, as I am classed as being too "capable" whatever that means. (I will be technically homeless by the end of this month and that is when I have decided to "end it all".

Like I said, if you only want to give me abuse wrt this thread, go **** yourselves. You obviously won't have any idea of the millions of individuals suffering with crippling depression, which medication and counselling cannot help.

posted January 01, 2015 04:26 PM            

I am so so sorry to hear of your situation. I want to help in some way. Will send you some healing light, for whatever effect it might have.

Drew a card for you: Celeste
It is time for a move. I will help you to find a new location, and then I will assist you with the necessary details. So just ask! All I request is your trust. Trust that God and the angels are capable of finding just the right place for you. If you can decide on one certain place and it doesn't work out, it is because we are bringing you something that's even better. Expect miracles to occur that you to afford this change. Stay positive, and don't buy into scarcity thinking. We will smooth the way, and we will also help you meet new people who can illuminate your path."

posted January 02, 2015 02:25 PM            

I wondered if you could ask Danipepper for a reading. She has a thread offering free readings at the top this page. There are other readers too whom you could approach directly - Intuitivefish, Goddessofthemoon, Bellafenice, for example. In fact, ask for help from everyone. I do, with far less need than you have.

posted January 03, 2015 01:28 AM            

I also understand your concerns with people marginalizing your feelings and telling you to 'get over it.' A poster who used to frequent this forum did it to me, and it really was inappropriate, So, best be sure that if anyone tries it on you, they will be hearing from me.

I would be more than happy to pull some cards for you if you like.

posted January 03, 2015 02:43 AM            

I had pretty dark thoughts of ending my life too. Family life chocked me (well, let’s be honest, it still chokes me on daily basis, it’s just that now I have turned my attention in other things, in other direction), nothing I did was good enough for people around me, my love life was total collapse… Gosh!

I honestly admire you! From what I have read from your posts, you obviously can handle soo much! So much more than an average person! I really do honestly admire you!

I cannot help you in any other way but with pray.

posted January 03, 2015 01:03 PM            

People who are going through similar - I think it must be something in the air. I hear you and understand what you are going through. You also deserve the very best, and I send you forth light, love and prayers.

I am reminded of the words of Hannibal Barca: "I will either find a way, or make one".
I have been doing some meditation today, whilst I was awake (I meditate on the go whilst I am doing other things) but apart from that I have been (rare for me) sleeping and dreaming. My dreams are mostly colourful artistic dreams (for the person who asked, I am an artist/ general creative). But even so, I have been working so hard over the last 10 years (the last 3-5 years, especially intensively in front of the computer), that I really feel like I need to be in a position where I can cut myself some slack. I want to relax and socialize more, but the city environment can get very impersonal and my head has moved on???

Here are a few words that came through in my meditation:
Fresh Air
Open spaces
Cooking
Camping (ha!)
Medievalism - wearing costumes etc. - armour, the full works
Bows and arrows
Hawking
Horse riding
Cuddly animals
Looking after historic property/ house
Getting back into gardening again
Entertaining, dinner parties
Having a good social circle where I can be relaxed and not have to pretend/ not be amongst pretentious people who are all trying to be the biggest knob in the rat race!!
Working abroad
Clearing debts
Different attitude towards relationships - good reciprocal relationships
Putting value on self
Developing invulnerability, but not so much that I shut people out entirely

I am often told with my products that I should produce "what people want". The point is, how do you know? I have spent a lifetime trying to assess what people want and it still doesn't work with that approach (in fact it works even less) so I reason that I might as well continue to do the projects I want anyway??

I have a love/ hate affair with art and have had lifelong battles with teachers and Uni lecturers. Basically what they want is empty vessels into which they can pour their ideas and which they can promote to "give the industry what it needs" since it is all "part of the system". Now I have ideas exploding out of my head here there and everywhere, and I don't feel I need an academic explanation for them. This attitude produces original work, and professionals involved in the industry from a production point of view can appreciate it - but it has never fitted with the industry. I had a fine art gallery tell me the other week my art was too trendy for them - I suppose I should be flattered!
There are so many amazingly talented people out there and because they don't have large enough support networks around them they simply don't get the recognition they deserve. It takes a lot to keep going, particularly alone and in the face of persistent opposition - but I need support networks/ supportive individuals of a type where I don't feel the rug is going to be pulled out from under my feet. I need to feel safe and secure and "loved".