Lindaland
  Personal Readings
  How do you deal with a depressed partner?

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   How do you deal with a depressed partner?
MillyX
Knowflake

Posts: 1304
From: canada
Registered: Feb 2012

posted April 14, 2015 08:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MillyX     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I had a long talk with my bf Carl and he revealed to me that he is going through depression. It's so tough...He pushes me away, ignores my texts, gets angry and doesn't want to see me.

Sometimes I wonder if he still loves me and still wants to be with me, but he is going through so much right now and I feel like he can't love me and treat me right when he can't even love himself.

Did anyone go through this? I would love some words of advice, or a reading.

Part of me would like to help him but another part of me is telling me to look out for myself and walk away before he hurts me even more. It is stressing me out.

I went through depression before but seeing a loved one go through it is something else.

IP: Logged

aleenaxo
Knowflake

Posts: 188
From:
Registered: Nov 2013

posted April 14, 2015 09:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aleenaxo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by MillyX:
I had a long talk with my bf Carl and he revealed to me that he is going through depression. It's so tough...He pushes me away, ignores my texts, gets angry and doesn't want to see me.

Sometimes I wonder if he still loves me and still wants to be with me, but he is going through so much right now and I feel like he can't love me and treat me right when he can't even love himself.

Did anyone go through this? I would love some words of advice, or a reading.

Part of me would like to help him but another part of me is telling me to look out for myself and walk away before he hurts me even more. It is stressing me out.

I went through depression before but seeing a loved one go through it is something else.


Literally went through something like this. I felt the same inner conflict as you. What I did was try to give them as much support and advice as possible and let them know I was here to help but I also frequently had "me times" just to make sure I was in check and wasn't being emotionally dragged down. As long as you don't forget to live your own life and enjoy happy moments with yourself and others, like friends or family, or even your bf, I think you would be good. I feel as if you are very emotionally influenced by others (I am an emotional sponge!) so I would REALLY suggest having "me times". Do you think about this issue a lot? I personally think it's important to think about, but not drown yourself in. Use those "me times" to breathe in some fresh air. You can still be supportive and keep yourself in check. So follow your gut! Just my opinion though

IP: Logged

furrybunny
Knowflake

Posts: 160
From: NYC
Registered: Dec 2014

posted April 14, 2015 10:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for furrybunny     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
my boyfriend went through a really small one and i can say i regret not being supportive enough. like thats my only regret. i was verbally abusive and should tried understanding him. you should offer him as much support as possible. easier said then done though. it was really hard for me just trying to be understanding and caring when i was busy worrying about myself. just give him a few more weeks/ month

IP: Logged

MillyX
Knowflake

Posts: 1304
From: canada
Registered: Feb 2012

posted April 14, 2015 11:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MillyX     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think having me times is a great idea. My problem though is that I can't stop thinking about him and our issues constantly. I do drown in them and I am an emotional sponge too. I think the best course of action is to give him space, yet still be there for him. Trying to understand that he can't focus on our relationship right now. I think what hurts the most is that sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, but I know that it's still there deep down. I used to be depressed and I remember pushing my loved ones away and having times where I wanted to reach out but my pride refused to ask for help.

Hopefully he reaches out to me one day and most of all lose his fear of being vulnerable. It's even more difficult because alot of men feel like reaching out and asking for help and admitting that you have a problem is 'weak' when really it isn't

IP: Logged

furrybunny
Knowflake

Posts: 160
From: NYC
Registered: Dec 2014

posted April 14, 2015 11:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for furrybunny     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by MillyX:
My problem though is that I can't stop thinking about him and our issues constantly. I do drown in them and I am an emotional sponge too.

i was exactly like that

IP: Logged

aleenaxo
Knowflake

Posts: 188
From:
Registered: Nov 2013

posted April 15, 2015 12:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aleenaxo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by MillyX:
I think having me times is a great idea. My problem though is that I can't stop thinking about him and our issues constantly. I do drown in them and I am an emotional sponge too. I think the best course of action is to give him space, yet still be there for him. Trying to understand that he can't focus on our relationship right now. I think what hurts the most is that sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, but I know that it's still there deep down. I used to be depressed and I remember pushing my loved ones away and having times where I wanted to reach out but my pride refused to ask for help.

Hopefully he reaches out to me one day and most of all lose his fear of being vulnerable. It's even more difficult because alot of men feel like reaching out and asking for help and admitting that you have a problem is 'weak' when really it isn't


Honestly I've had this happen with more than one person and giving support while letting yourself surrender to the emotional drain will only damage you. My best advice is to distract yourself during me time. Read a book, play a video game, learn something new, anything to direct your attention elsewhere. I promise you, you will be able to see things with a fresh pair of eyes. You need new perspectives. Maybe you will see a new way to approach him to offer help, or find a pattern in him that you can address to solve. Right now you are in a puddle of emotions and not feeling loved is a not a good sign.

Also, I really think you need to be more direct with him. It seems like you are trying to reach out to him, but because he isn't in an emotionally stable place, so he reacts by pushing you away. And that hurts you. Tell him that it hurts you. Tell him that you are giving supportive attention to him and it is available whenever he needs it. Tell him to reach out to you. Tell him that if he would rather talk to someone else about it, that you support it, and will always be there for him. Tell him that you're confused on whether he loves you or not. The reason why I want you to be more direct is because you are bottling up your feelings, and so is he. It's building up for both of you. What I do is write really bad poetry, but I always discover emotions in them. I find myself writing about things I never realized. Find your thing. Find his.

Can I ask you how you are feeling about this? I know I get very scared of going downhill again and it's something to be worried about.

IP: Logged

aleenaxo
Knowflake

Posts: 188
From:
Registered: Nov 2013

posted April 15, 2015 12:08 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aleenaxo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm more than willing to give you weekly lists of things to do during me time of course you can tailor it to your liking

IP: Logged

aleenaxo
Knowflake

Posts: 188
From:
Registered: Nov 2013

posted April 15, 2015 12:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aleenaxo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Also this could help him achieve a more positive mindset what I do is focus on a topic for three or four days but he can choose one to focus on each week:


All or Nothing Thinking

Sometimes called ‘black and white thinking’, this is when we imagine that "nothing" will ever go well again, or that "everything" or "everybody" is wrong with the world and it will "never" be ok.

Over-generalising

This is when we draw broad generalised conclusions or when we see single events as a general rule. When we hear people saying "most people are..." or "people think..." or "people like that act such and such way".

Like black and white thinking, it is a habit that can be broken with self questioning - "do I really know what most people are thinking?", because really, our logical minds can over-rule and calm the over-generalising mind.


Mental Filters

This is when we tend to only hear evidence that supports an existing bias. So we might only notice our faults or peoples criticisms of us, and dismiss compliments... or dismiss criticisms and only believe in those that tell us what makes us feel good.

This is the person that you say "you sang the song beautifully" and rather than accept the compliment, they will reply "I missed a note, it was dreadful."

A first step (and I've done this one myself) is to learn to simply say 'thank you' and take some time with a comment, rather than dismiss it straight away.

Jumping to Conclusions

There are two types of jumping to conclusions:

Mind reading: Thinking you know what others are thinking. “He thinks I'm stupid”

And predicting the future: “If I say something, he'll just laugh at it.”

This style of thinking can be very limiting, because they excuse us from giving something a try, or from getting to know people. Sometimes we need to take the risk.

Magnification

Again, there are two types of magnification. It is when we take ideas or feelings to the extreme.

Catastrophising is when we Blow things up out of proportion. “He was hours late (15 minutes), in that area people are murdered every night, it was the most terrifying experience of my life, I thought I'd never get out alive.”

Minimising is the opposite, it is when we inappropriately dismiss the seriousness of something or making it seem unimportant. “It was nothing, just a silly argument” (He broke your arm and three ribs)

Emotional Reasoning

This is when we assume that because we feel a certain way, it must be true.

"I am afraid, so it must be dangerous." "I love him, so he must be loveable"... or one for SF "I feel negative about them, so they must be a negative person"

Both magnification and emotional reasoning can benefit from allowing the objective mind to self question the emotional mind.

Critical projection

Using critical words like ‘should’, ‘must’, or ‘ought’ sets us up to fail in ultimate perfection.

These are often habitual words, but when we catch ourselves using them, it is helpful to try to change them to words that allow us to see possibilities... "this might work for me" or "I could try this"

Labelling

Assigning labels to ourselves or other people.

I’m stupid. I’m completely useless. They’re such an idiot.

Labels are unhelpful because they are often defining of a person, rather than an action - an intelligent person may change a useless idea. But if they believe they are useless, there appears to be no possibility that they could try something different.

Personalisation

Blaming yourself or taking responsibility for something that wasn’t completely your fault. Or conversely, blaming other people for something that was your fault.

I had posted this in another thread but I want to help!

IP: Logged

aleenaxo
Knowflake

Posts: 188
From:
Registered: Nov 2013

posted April 15, 2015 12:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aleenaxo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Those aren't my words btw!

IP: Logged

aleenaxo
Knowflake

Posts: 188
From:
Registered: Nov 2013

posted April 15, 2015 12:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aleenaxo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
When showing the above, tell him that it takes about 21 days to make/break/change a habit. TWENTY ONE DAYS like that is a FRACTION of your life. Only three weeks! My friends have used it for little things and boy does it work. He doesn't have to rush anything. Tell him to take baby steps and you will be there by his side. Do cute little things like leaving him notes or something. If you don't mind, can you post his chart? I'm not a pro but id like to see his placements.

IP: Logged

Twitterbird05
Knowflake

Posts: 797
From: USA
Registered: Feb 2013

posted April 15, 2015 10:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Twitterbird05     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
honestly I was in a situation like yours where the relationship was already strained when he admitted he was depressed.

I wanted to help him but he was sucking me dry. Knowing that he was depressed made me feel like I couldn't break up with him.

But none of that really changed the fact that our relationship had issues and he wasn't doing his part to show me he wanted me or cared about how I felt. Just because someone is depressed does not me they get a free pass in the relationship.

Ultimately I felt like his negative attitude was part of his depression and that he was choosing not to help himself. I'm really glad I broke up with him. Some people are depressed and in a relationship but they still care about the other person and do what they can to improve things. It was so nice to finally be free of the dark cloud that followed him.

IP: Logged

midnightvenus
Knowflake

Posts: 315
From: outerspace
Registered: Sep 2014

posted April 15, 2015 11:28 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for midnightvenus     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Depression is a mental illness, nobody chooses to have this.
Nobody would choose to have little to no energy or motivation to do things.
He might love you but not have the energy to show it all the time and like you want.
He knows he's neglecting your needs.
But the thing is he's also neglecting his own.
This ISN'T about you.

I'm saying this as someone who also struggles with depression.
And here's a list of things that aren't helpful to say. http://thisisnotpsychology.tumblr.com/post/5176967888/worst-things-to-say-to-someone-who-is-depressed

IP: Logged

aleenaxo
Knowflake

Posts: 188
From:
Registered: Nov 2013

posted April 15, 2015 11:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aleenaxo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Please don't feel like your emotions don't matter. They DO.

IP: Logged

MillyX
Knowflake

Posts: 1304
From: canada
Registered: Feb 2012

posted April 18, 2015 11:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MillyX     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks guys. I decided to break it off with him on Thursday. It was a somewhat impulsive decision, I tried to see him in person at least 5 times that day but he refused to see me, preferring to be with his friends. So I broke it off through text (I know it's really sh*tty of me). We live an hour away and I just wanted to break it off because it was starting to stress me out.

It actually wasn't that bad, we ended it in a really friendly way. We decided to stay friends and he decided to work on himself and his inner demons because he knows that he can't invest time in the relationship and he acknowledged that he was becoming more and more distant.

I just feel bad a bit...I feel happy and less stressed but I do have my sad moments..Him on the other hand, he is miserable.

I guess I feel guilty that I'm doing so well when he isn't.

IP: Logged

aleenaxo
Knowflake

Posts: 188
From:
Registered: Nov 2013

posted April 18, 2015 11:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aleenaxo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by MillyX:
Thanks guys. I decided to break it off with him on Thursday. It was a somewhat impulsive decision, I tried to see him in person at least 5 times that day but he refused to see me, preferring to be with his friends. So I broke it off through text (I know it's really sh*tty of me). We live an hour away and I just wanted to break it off because it was starting to stress me out.

It actually wasn't that bad, we ended it in a really friendly way. We decided to stay friends and he decided to work on himself and his inner demons because he knows that he can't invest time in the relationship and he acknowledged that he was becoming more and more distant.

I just feel bad a bit...I feel happy and less stressed but I do have my sad moments..Him on the other hand, he is miserable.

I guess I feel guilty that I'm doing so well when he isn't.


Hey! I'm super happy that you guys are working on being friends now and he desires to work on himself. That's super awesome. Of course you won't feel amazing after it but be sure to support him AND yourself.

IP: Logged

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright 2000-2015

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a