Lindaland
  Personal Readings
  was I in an abusive relationship?

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   was I in an abusive relationship?
LibraGirl92
Knowflake

Posts: 297
From: IL
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 19, 2015 10:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LibraGirl92     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hello so I have been doing some thinking into my past relationships and it was one I had with my ex J I am wondering if our relationship could of possibly been an abusive one. He was was a bit controlling and highly possessive. I remember one incident when I donated blood to my high school and weighed 112 I remember telling him and told me to lose weight and that I should be 105-107 lbs. Mind you this guy exercised so I took it as oh he is looking out for my health and weight. This was mostly a texting relationship and we got to see each other physically one time. I may be wrong I don't know and that's why I was wondering if someone could pull some cards. Thank you in advance <3

IP: Logged

LexusVirgo
Knowflake

Posts: 515
From:
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 20, 2015 08:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LexusVirgo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
He should love you no matter what that is subtle manipulation to make you his physically,, and I feel that guys who tell their wives how to look are the worse. You dodged a bullet there because he would just get worse in person and more demanding.

IP: Logged

Ceridwen
Moderator

Posts: 19954
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted June 20, 2015 09:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ceridwen     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
What is a texting relationship?

IP: Logged

LibraGirl92
Knowflake

Posts: 297
From: IL
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 20, 2015 12:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LibraGirl92     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yes it was a texting relationship

IP: Logged

Ceridwen
Moderator

Posts: 19954
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted June 20, 2015 12:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ceridwen     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You mean, you didn`t spend time in each other`s physical presence, but were communicating over textmessages?

IP: Logged

LibraGirl92
Knowflake

Posts: 297
From: IL
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 20, 2015 02:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LibraGirl92     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yes mostly texting and talking on the phone

IP: Logged

LibraGirl92
Knowflake

Posts: 297
From: IL
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 20, 2015 04:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LibraGirl92     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
And then a year after he broke up with me he said he was never done with me as in being together and he wanted to be with me when I came back home. For some reason i still am deeply in love with him and still would want to be with him even though I know everyone is going to say no you don't need someone like that and why would you go back to him. I believe that he could of change and still to this day still believe he could change I am pretty sure he doesnt want to be with me after the stuff I put him through as well. I would hope he didn't treat other girls after me this way but I don't understand why he would still want to be with me is it because he knows that if he wanted to he could say the right things and know I would be with him in a heartbeat but then just use me or would he actually want to change and want to be with me. When it comes to feelings and reading people how they are and stuff that is where I am weak at :-/ if someone could they possibly pull a tarot card(s) to see who he represents as a tarot card and possibly if any Abuse could occur in a romantic relationship between us if we possibly got together?

IP: Logged

dustib
Knowflake

Posts: 848
From: USA
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 20, 2015 05:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for dustib     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Texting and talking on the phone isn't a relationship. This man had no respect for you and honestly sounds like he was playing a game with you if you never spent time together...that's truly the only way you get to know someone. And no, most people don't change. I think you are in love with the idea of him but not him since you really don't know him...it's easy to be what someone wants thru texting and phone conversations. You deserve better! You just broke up though with your ex....stop trying to rush into something else and take time for you. My best friend is going thru the same thing and the feelings are normal but you need to take a step back and enjoy you for awhile alone.

IP: Logged

LibraGirl92
Knowflake

Posts: 297
From: IL
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 20, 2015 05:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LibraGirl92     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
When we were dating we were both in high school and in different cities we lived 13 miles away from each other and we couldn't really get the chance t see each other at the time we didn't have the opportunity to hang out with each other. We had our licenses but weren't able to drive because my grandma wouldn't allow me to drive up there in her car so our only option was to talk and text.

IP: Logged

Odette
Moderator

Posts: 5690
From:
Registered: May 2012

posted June 20, 2015 09:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Texting and talking on the phone isn't a relationship.

^ If it was a relationship from their perspective - then, of course it was a relationship.

dustib --- I'm just wondering how old you are?
Sorry to go off topic, but I generally find younger people are very comfortable with the idea of a long distance relationship, and achieving intimacy despite the distance... whereas the older generations criticise this and find it "less" than a real relationship.
I was just curious if this ^ applies to you.

IP: Logged

LibraGirl92
Knowflake

Posts: 297
From: IL
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 20, 2015 09:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LibraGirl92     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Currently I am 22 1/2 and so is he we were both 16-17 when we dated

IP: Logged

Odette
Moderator

Posts: 5690
From:
Registered: May 2012

posted June 20, 2015 09:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Libra - If you had an overall feeling that he was being too controlling or possessive and in some way hassling you... then he is toxic. You shouldn't bring him back into your life.

The comment you mentioned regarding your weight is just one comment. It was blunt and rude. But I wouldn't be able to assess whether or not this person is (or was) abusive based on this one comment.
However.. your reaction to the comment makes me think there is a lot more to this story that you are not telling us.

Normally, you should feel comfortable enough with a boyfriend to tell him to stfu
So, if that comment bothered you - but you felt afraid to speak up and tell him off for his rudeness (this is something he should have never said in the first place, or at least apologised for - after the fact) - that tells me the balance of power in your relationship was over-tipped in his favor.

If you can't communicate with someone and let them know how they make you feel and what changes need to happen to improve things between you --- then, there is a very slim (virtually non-existent) chance that this person will miraculously alter their behaviour and become your knight in shining armour.

IP: Logged

Odette
Moderator

Posts: 5690
From:
Registered: May 2012

posted June 20, 2015 10:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I didn't see the post about your ages earlier!

Hmmm.... A 16/17 year old making that comment about your weight is not exactly the same thing as an adult making the same comment. It's possible he didn't realise how rude it was. People copy a lot of what they hear from their parents and those they look up to - at that age.
I guess when a teen is being rude, I would be inclined to partially blame their upbringing. This is not to say he isn't at fault, or that he couldn't have been abusive. People can be bullies at any age.
But the home environment does play a big part in a person's development, in their teens.

It is possible for a person to change from their teenage years through to adulthood. Perhaps he moved out and is surrounded by a different circle of people.
Generally, major personality changes don't happen quite this quickly though. If you had met him again in his 30s - it would be a different story.
But these 5 years - may, or may not have made a difference.

I'm not sure whether you should decide to give this another shot. It really depends on how you felt while you were with him... how positive or negative things were - overall. You're the only one who knows this!

If you do decide to try again, you should take things very slowly - and try to be friends first, for some time. See how comfortable you feel around him.
The most important thing is that you should never compromise who you are, your thoughts, opinions or feelings for someone else.
If you cannot -speak up- and be honest with this person... and he continues to be controlling, and has no respect for your individuality - he should have no place in your life.

IP: Logged

LibraGirl92
Knowflake

Posts: 297
From: IL
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 20, 2015 10:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LibraGirl92     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Not only was there the weight issue but I pretty much had to change the way I dress I use to wear somewhat revealing clothing and being with him I had to dress more conservatively didn't show as much as I use to and he got extremely jealous of me hanging out with guy friends that I stopped and did as I was told but I also understand that factor in which I was unfaithful to him one time and I could see why he was extremely jealous. And also there was a time where I wore skinny jeans and he told me that I couldn't pull of wearing them and that the only girl he knew could pull off skinny jeans was a friend of his that was an aspiring model

IP: Logged

LexusVirgo
Knowflake

Posts: 515
From:
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 21, 2015 04:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LexusVirgo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by LibraGirl92:
Not only was there the weight issue but I pretty much had to change the way I dress I use to wear somewhat revealing clothing and being with him I had to dress more conservatively didn't show as much as I use to and he got extremely jealous of me hanging out with guy friends that I stopped and did as I was told but I also understand that factor in which I was unfaithful to him one time and I could see why he was extremely jealous. And also there was a time where I wore skinny jeans and he told me that I couldn't pull of wearing them and that the only girl he knew could pull off skinny jeans was a friend of his that was an aspiring model

He was being a huge jerk.

IP: Logged

ikja
Knowflake

Posts: 1436
From: London, UK (GMT - 5 hours ahead)
Registered: Oct 2014

posted June 21, 2015 06:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ikja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm inclined to say that if you're asking this question, you probably were. You're instincts are talking to you.
This is not a normal question to ask, and for the fact that you are asking it... It suggests that you already know the answer.

IP: Logged

FairyDust75
Knowflake

Posts: 2071
From: USA
Registered: Dec 2013

posted June 21, 2015 07:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for FairyDust75     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
People like this only get worse with age not better. Run and never look back. You will regret it. Don't go back down that road. There is someone better for you out there.

IP: Logged

LibraGirl92
Knowflake

Posts: 297
From: IL
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 21, 2015 08:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LibraGirl92     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
a few days ago i was talking to who is now my friend but back in the day he was my ex R and he was the man that hooked me and J up together because they use to be friends. well i guess J told him something sexually about me and we never had sex so he was lying and R said that it wasn't him who brought it up it was J and i found that really creepy for him to be saying that but it also angered me a little. J is not too happy with me since we last had contact in 2013 and when R told me about what J said i wondered if you hate me why would you say this about me?

IP: Logged

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright 2000-2015

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a