posted November 13, 2015 09:49 PM
Hello LL folks,So there's this thing that's been bothering me for a while now. I feel like I have some kind if inner conflict within me, I can't even resolve it on my own. I'm too lazy to go to my university's therapy center, so I figured I'd come here instead. I've just been more comfortable staying online lately. LL has been of a great help to me during tough times.
I'm not upset or anything, I'm just a little confused about myself. I have this strong push-and-pull thing going on inside of me between wanting to be left alone to focus on doing my own thing and wanting to be out socializing with other people.
I used to be such a social butterfly but then since the stuff that happened to me last year (family/relationship drama), I have been a little more reserved. I moved to another school and I only had a few friends who I didn't even hang out with that much outside of school. For the past year now, I have deprived myself of social interaction, which a person my age really needs.
I've partied a lot since I started college, but I still feel unfulfilled in the friendships department. I know a couple people I've met through those parties and some I even call friends (about 3 of them), but even to them, I still feel sorta closed off. The people I meet are also way different from me so I don't always feel a connection with the new acquaintances I make.
I actually enjoy the amount of time I spend on my own, but there are some instances where I feel like I should be out with people and stuff. I think I spend way too much time on the internet when I'm not out volunteering or working. That's all I ever really do other than study and party. I feel like I have become dull and uninteresting.
Aside from that, I do not really even know who I am anymore. I've lost my passion for the things I love. Trying to play my instruments and singing has felt more like a chore than a fun activity. I used to enjoy it a lot when I was sixteen. I would be out at coffee houses at my school or just playing at random places, not caring about what other people think.
I actually constantly worry about expressing myself because what if people don't like the real me? This has always been the thing that's held me back. Some people have also put me down way back then that has caused me to stop singing and playing for a while. Sometimes, I think I just like being alone because I can talk to myself (not crazy btw, I'm just a Gemini rising lol) and be myself. Maybe that's not an answer to my loss of passion, but I feel like it's somehow related.
I don't know if anyone is going through the same thing or if anyone knows how to fix this, but I would be glad to hear some input.
Thanks