posted May 29, 2016 02:06 AM            

Fast forward 2 years later....

We decided to finally become a couple. *cheers*

We stayed together for about 5 months (embarrassing I know) and it was pretty "comfy" I would say. The thing is at that time I was going through difficulties with where I should be in my life, and she has terrible self-esteem issues. IDK what it is, but I like being around women who inspire me. I felt like I had to "carry" ZZ when I was with her. She's super beautiful and talented, but It was hard being with her. I always tried to encourage her to start her own business. I even told her I would do the work for her to get things going! I REALLY wanted to see her shine and she knew how dedicated i was to her when it came to those things. She has so much potential and I would tell her how incredible she was everyday. I became more or less the support system in the relationship.

Unfortunately something "clicked" in me, and I knew it was time to break it off. I just wasn't feeling it anymore. I felt like our relationship had no direction and we were in two different places mentally despite the "comfort" we shared. Other things needed to be worked and focused on in our lives and i wanted to be responsible. She started crying when we broke up. She jumped out of my car and said she didn't want to speak to me.

One of the FIRST things she did was accuse me of cheating on her. Which was wrong...very wrong. I just wanted a break, and hopefully we can start over again in the future. I tried calling her to tell her this but she was upset until she finally contacted me and we finally spoke. She told me she was in love with me, hoped to marry me, and now she felt that I was a "mistake" she made and she should have stayed away from guys like me...completely forgetting how much I've tried doing for her just to keep her happy with the little I knew I had. On a positive note we decided to be cordial and see what would happen in the future.

She invited me out somewhere later that week and we hung out (we promised each other we still would go out that day), but we were really "quiet" around each other. After I dropped her off home she gave me a weird look and was smiling. I was wondering if we should talk, but then I thought maybe not and just left.

So yeah, after about a week later of being single and getting my mind right everything was cool. But then the most random thing happened that made me cut her off completely. When we were together we kept our relationship private, especially on social media. No one would know we were together and we wanted to keep it that way. But (keep in mind its only been about a week and a few days since we broke up) she found a new date and she went out with him. That didn't bother me at all. For some strange reason her life appeared to be "better" since we broke up, so maybe I was the burden? Crazy how much changes in a week or two. BUT what made me upset was the fact that she went out of her way to fully show off her new date and even said things like he was the best man she's ever gone out with, and how supportive he is to her.

My nerves ticked when I read that. How can you say all of these things to someone you just met, and more importantly, WHY would you broadcast it all over social media knowing I was going to end up seeing it? Did you forget that we JUST broke up? Do you realize how much I've tried making you happy and supporting you when I barely had anything left for myself? I felt like crap doing so because as a man I want to make the best of my relationship and it sucks I had no ability to do that at the moment. Depression runs in my family, and its a struggle having to try to make someone else secure when I'm going through one of my "reclusive" periods. I may have broken up with you and I know I hurt you, but you could at least be considerate to how I would feel. I never had any bad intent. You made it seem like I was just a waste of space and I haven't done anything. We literally just broke up a week ago and some days, and you just met this guy....supposedly.

I talked to her about this and she even ADMITTED that she did it out of spite and anger and she wanted me to see it.

I told her to never speak to me again and I cut her off completely. She tried telling me to forgive her but I said no. (EDIT: I just caught this. When I told her i wasn't going to forgive her I meant that I was no longer going to maintain contact with her, not hold something against her.) I cut her off for good and surprisingly, my days became better.

Im sharing this story because I kind of wanted to give you guys an example as to what I sometimes experience in my relationships. The "comfort" is there, but I feel like I always run into women that see me as a trophy case rather than an actual person. When the relationship is just sexual, me and a woman would get along perfectly with no problems. But as soon as the "boyfriend/girlfriend" title comes to play, it becomes a baffling experience for me.

Here are some cards I pulled regarding me and my ex..

What did she see me as? The Chariot clarified by Lovers.

When we were together what were her feelings towards me? Magician clarified by 5 of cups

What was the sex like? Queen of Pentacles clarified by 2 of Pents

What was her faithfulness towards me? Strength clarified by 6 of cups

What did she feel when i broke up with her? 8 of swords clarified by 9 of cups

Why did she do what she did on social media out of spite? Judgement clarified by Queen of Pents

How happy was she when we were together? 6 of cups clarified by HP

posted May 29, 2016 03:57 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lilithpluto:
I want to support you as a friend on lindaland but based on your own account of the version of the story, I empatise more with what your ex is feeling - a commitment phobia boyfriend who has shown signs of abandoning her.. She is more invested emotionally than you.

Cheer up. It's over.

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Im not sad or anything lol

Just wanted to share this story for some reason and give an example of how a lot of my relationships seem to go. I never feel like theres a true connection fully established, or things just happen because they seem convenient. I wanted to be with her, but i also wanted to do things the right way and not just get caught up in emotion. I wanted a break because I felt like we weren't grounded enough yet. But after she intentionally did what she did out of "revenge" (even when we talked and were in a good place of understanding) I just lost respect for her.

posted May 29, 2016 04:44 PM            

LOL well sometimes. Sometimes I'm vocal and other times I'm not until later on when I see what their intentions were (we all do and say things that are perceived wrongly from time to time)..

posted May 29, 2016 08:13 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by NYCdodger:
Whenever someone disrespects me in public I just smile, walk away, and wait for them outside.

LOL well sometimes. Sometimes I'm vocal and other times I'm not until later on when I see what their intentions were (we all do and say things that are perceived wrongly from time to time)..

Im used to being an introvert and thats one of our biggest gripes.

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posted May 29, 2016 08:26 PM            

The sex was earthy, nurturing and provided her with the stability and love that made her feel like a wanted woman (Queen Of Pents and 2 Of Pents); she definitely felt the sex was worthwhile and wonderful. I also think that she was extremely faithful and would never dream of breaking up with you because she probably thought you were her soulmate (Strength and 6 of cups, 6 of cups is often called the “soulmate card”). She was upset when you broke up with her because she felt stuck and felt as if all she wished for and hoped for was now gone but she was still unable to move on because she was tied to the situation by her own choice (8 of swords and 9 of cups). Perhaps she was spiteful on social media because she felt she was doing so out of correct analysis and judgement (Judgement and Queen Of Pents); she felt justified in doing what she did based on what she knew.

I believe she would love for you to be her boyfriend again because she had a feeling of subconsciously knowing (High Priestess) that you were her soulmate (6 of Cups); however, I think if you contacted her to start a relationship again she would carefully judge the situation (judgement) and wait for the right time to enter a relationship rather than just diving in headfirst (7 of Pents).

posted May 29, 2016 08:51 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by SunAscendant:
I understand you want to hold a grudge, but you can't do that. Holding a grudge will only make it worse. Also since you're a Leo of course you think she sees you as a trophy, but she probably doesn't, she probably just really respects you. Do you think that maybe you think she is not good enough and you are too good for her? Forgive her and give her another chance, that's my opinion.

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I've stated that I never held a grudge against her. I don't have any grudges against her. If she were to contact me right now I would talk to her happily. The trophy analogy was about a lot of my relationships in general feeling like a possession. It doesn't feel like a "real" relationship, and thats something i don't like. It feels like a convenience and thats just my honest opinion.

To be honest, I prefer independent women over women who are too clingy and reliant on me. I like being around women who have a mind of their own and can do their own thing. I feel like we have more to offer each other that way on both ends. The relationship I had with her failed because it simply wasn't realistic. It was more emotion focused and being that i was in my current situation, it would be irresponsible and selfish of me to stay with her. Thats why I broke up with her. We spoke and came to that agreement after she cooled off.

No i didn't think she wasn't good enough, or that I was too good for her. I don't know where you got that from. And I forgave her as soon as we stopped talking. I can see where it seemed like I didn't and thats something I will correct in my original post. I just cut her off afterwards because what she did was wrong and she knew it was wrong as well.....Plus my intuition told me so.

I appreciate the reading. But deep down I feel its best to move on from this. This occurred last year and I just wanted to share this story because I have a hard time being in relationships and I've told you lovely people this before. I have issues with "conventional" relationships so to say.

I acknowledge and admit that sometimes things happen so fast that I lose track of whats real until it smacks me in the face later. This is why I'm choosing to remain single for as long as I can and just maintain friendships until i can see where things go. I don't want to drag someone or put myself in another predicament where i feel like the relationship isn't right, or doesn't feel natural, or feels like a "convenience" (hence the trophy analogy).

posted May 30, 2016 10:53 AM            

Has someone ever been with you not because of who you are, but WHAT you are? That is what i mean.

They are not with you because of who you are as a natural being. But because of the convenience you provide, or fantasy.

posted May 30, 2016 11:08 AM            

Just be aware, that your thoughts and feelings are not always in line with truth, they are really just an outward expression of yourself, which can be utterly and totally tainted by deep-seated false beliefs and experiences that we are literally blind to. This is something that we come to realize as we grow older. How many times can you look back on things you thought 5 years ago and think "wow, how false that was!"

posted May 30, 2016 12:42 PM            

Trust me, I'm very aware of myself and my situation and thats why being single and analyzing all that I've been through and am currently going through is crucial for me right now.

Im not saying she was a bad person at all. But in many ways we were incompatible and the truth of the situation came out to light (with me and what i need to do, not her).

As for the trophy analogy..im sorry, but you can believe what you want. Females (and males) do things like this everyday. I've had women themselves literally tell me that they only wanted to be with me (as well as others) because of the fantasy that was created, only to lose interest when they truly see me for who i am. And once again, I'm speaking on the basic theme that has been apart of my relationships for a long time. I'm not saying it was ZZ in particular (I THINK THATS WHERE THE MISUNDERSTANDING IS COMING FROM), but it is how many of my relationships have been going. Theres a reason to all of this and I'm bringing it to light.

posted May 30, 2016 12:48 PM            

My relationship with ZZ = Something I had to let go because it wasn't time. Her spitefulness came out of her hurt which is understandable. But that was also a sign to move on and let go.