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Author Topic:   Depressed, alone and feeling powerless
Cinnamon sky
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posted July 02, 2017 11:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi,
I'm not even sure why I'm posting. Just got to a place where I feel I can't take this anymore. I've been feeling very down for a few months now, basically lost and powerless and have a lot of anger. Feeling like I don't know how to live anymore.

I've isolated myself, and I feel like nothing will change until I do something...but I can't, I feel powerless.

Maybe my question is related to this. I have this feeling that my destiny is to do everything alone, to not be seen, to be isolated, there will be no one to really be there for me. No one will come to help, to "save me". No unexpected event will bring change. I have to act for change but I am unable...This thought makes me very depressed.
Eastern hemisphere focus, Leo NN...I don't know.
And I have so much anger I cannot express.
I just don't know what to do, I'm tired of everything...
Sorry for being so negative but this is how I feel.

Here is my chart with transits:

Thank you in advance for any insights.

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furrybunny
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posted July 02, 2017 12:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for furrybunny     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
oh no hope you feel better. I'm not an astrologer but if u wish , u can ask a few questions and ill use tarot to help. lmk

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colorful butterfly
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posted July 02, 2017 12:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for colorful butterfly     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sometimes I need to take my own advice because I know how things can bring you down. I try to remember this and although it sounds a little tough, it is honestly the only thing I've learned to go by : You are responsible for your own happiness, no one can do that for you but you. There is going to be no one there to save you, you save yourself, that in itself is it's own power because when you rely on another to make you happy or save you, people are flawed, make mistakes, will hurt you not because they mean to ( unless really evil) people are just people. Like you would have things to come with you that you want someone to heal, others have theirs as well. I think the things to do is not to need anyone or anything, work on you and being the best you, find hobbies that make you happy etc. Learn to just be happy with who you are regardless if someone else is around or not, there for you or not, just don't need anything. Then I think you will find your own power and a special kind of happiness that no one can take from you. ( this also doesn't mean to allow others to walk over you or do you any kind of way , by all means hold your own ) Just love you and the rest will fall into place with time, patience and perseverance

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 02, 2017 12:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks.I know all this in theory, I used to tell the same to others. Until I fell into this hole.
Ayway, thanks, I don't know...it's not your fault that I feel it doesn't help.
It's my fault that I'm powerless and unable to do anything now.

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sarahhm
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posted July 02, 2017 12:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sarahhm     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by colorful butterfly:
Sometimes I need to take my own advice because I know how things can bring you down. I try to remember this and although it sounds a little tough, it is honestly the only thing I've learned to go by : You are responsible for your own happiness, no one can do that for you but you. There is going to be no one there to save you, you save yourself, that in itself is it's own power because when you rely on another to make you happy or save you, people are flawed, make mistakes, will hurt you not because they mean to ( unless really evil) people are just people. Like you would have things to come with you that you want someone to heal, others have theirs as well. I think the things to do is not to need anyone or anything, work on you and being the best you, find hobbies that make you happy etc. Learn to just be happy with who you are regardless if someone else is around or not, there for you or not, just don't need anything. Then I think you will find your own power and a special kind of happiness that no one can take from you. ( this also doesn't mean to allow others to walk over you or do you any kind of way , by all means hold your own ) Just love you and the rest will fall into place with time, patience and perseverance

That advice is fair and I completely agree but I find that the timing for giving that particular advice needs more attention. To me that's the kind of advice you give to someone who's in a good place and you're helping them maintain that good place. When you're in the dumps though, sometimes you can't save yourself. You need a hand to pull you out of the darkness. That's why we have friends, family, relationships, communities.

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HappyNinja
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posted July 02, 2017 12:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for HappyNinja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Cinnamon sky,

Can you tell us what you do for a living? And what would you really like to do, if you're not currently doing it yet?

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 02, 2017 01:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by HappyNinja:
Cinnamon sky,

Can you tell us what you do for a living? And what would you really like to do, if you're not currently doing it yet?


I used to work in web design/ development/webmastering for the last 6 years, before I'd had several different jobs, always getting tired of them and feeling like I wouldn't be good enough anyways.
Now currently I'm unemployed and feel unable to work because of my mental health issues...But in the same time I have this need to be useful.
I'd like to work in something I believe in but I'm very sensitive and don't want another corporate job in an open office environment.
Also having issues with groups of people..I always feel like the outsider, but in a way it's my dream to feel part of a group, but maintaining my individuality.
I just don't see it happening.
I had this "revelation" a few days ago, related to a memory, when I was in highschool and there was this workshop thing, crafting, doing DIY stuff with kids...I loved it...the expression f creativity with kids, it was so "real"...
But then I realised I wouldn't be able to do that...I'm getting overwhelmed very fast by any stimulation, especially a group of kids...but still,maybe in another life I'd love to do something like that..

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sarahhm
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posted July 02, 2017 01:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sarahhm     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
straight off the bat looking at your chart:

chiron in your 8th chart can be tough and bring feelings of being short on resources and aloneness and betrayal but when it go directs chiron acts like a healer in that 8th house of yours.

Neptune in the 7th house can make you disillusioned and unable to see those you have to work in partnership with clearly - so it may not be as bad as your think.

The north node in leo in your 12th house and you're a virgo sun and mercury - okay look. There's a chance there may be an unreasonable expectation you have for how people are suppose to treat you and support you. It's not actually that bad but there maybe an elevated idea you have in your head of how it's suppose to be so bring brought to reality seems like rock bottom to you. It's not. It's reality.

Uranus is going direct in your 9th house though and with Uranus in the 3rd house natally I say you're being pushed by the sky to look at everything through a new lens and with a paradigm shift. With all the placements I recommend looking at philosophy - try podcasts like Philosophise This that are short and snippy, look at different belief systems like Buddhism to gain a new perspective and look at psychology (that chiron in the 8th house).

I hope this helps x

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sarahhm
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posted July 02, 2017 01:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sarahhm     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Cinnamon sky:
I used to work in web design/ development/webmastering for the last 6 years, before I'd had several different jobs, always getting tired of them and feeling like I wouldn't be good enough anyways.
Now currently I'm unemployed and feel unable to work because of my mental health issues...But in the same time I have this need to be useful.
I'd like to work in something I believe in but I'm very sensitive and don't want another corporate job in an open office environment.
Also having issues with groups of people..I always feel like the outsider, but in a way it's my dream to feel part of a group, but maintaining my individuality.
I just don't see it happening.
I had this "revelation" a few days ago, related to a memory, when I was in highschool and there was this workshop thing, crafting, doing DIY stuff with kids...I loved it...the expression f creativity with kids, it was so "real"...
But then I realised I wouldn't be able to do that...I'm getting overwhelmed very fast by any stimulation, especially a group of kids...but still,maybe in another life I'd love to do something like that..

Your north node is in the 11th house so this is your challenge to overcome 'in this life'

Definitely look at redefining your early beliefs. That Uranus in the 3rd house conjunction IC - look at those childhood belief systems. For example, someone bullied in adolescence by huge group of people in school can develop the inner child belief of 'no one wants to be around me' leading to problems with groups.

The sky will support inner work looking at this. Espeecially with natal chiron in the 9th house

With jobs - Humanitarian work jumps out at me. Working with Refugees and other groups of people that need that kind of healing that you can give. Why not try volunteering with working with children of refugees doing crafts?

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 02, 2017 01:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sarahhm, thank you so much for this.
It's true, I've probably developed these negative beliefs about groups because of a lot of bullying I've been subjected to not only in adolescence but since kindergarten..But it's so difficult to get over this...I just freeze in groups.
The idea of working with refugees is a very good one though.
I just feel frozen, powerless, maybe it's my Cancer Mars, feel unable to initiate.
I think the recent Pluto-Moon opposition has thrown me into this depressive state.Though depression is something I've struggled on and off all my life...but not like this.
I've lived all my life in my head. But it's not working anymore. I have issues with shame, avoiding people, I'm afraid of being rejected.
The last few years I've been into spirituality...eastern philsophies...But got to a point where I feel I'm losing myself.
Nothing seems real anymore.
I used to switch from one belief system to another very quickly. Then I just lost it...
I don't know who I am...Also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder...so that kind of explains a lot

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 02, 2017 01:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
In groups I usually feel I have to pretend to be someone who I'm not in order to be accepted. To give my power away. And I can't do it anymore...

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sarahhm
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posted July 02, 2017 01:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sarahhm     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Cinnamon sky:
Sarahhm, thank you so much for this.
It's true, I've probably developed these negative beliefs about groups because of a lot of bullying I've been subjected to not only in adolescence but since kindergarten..But it's so difficult to get over this...I just freeze in groups.
The idea of working with refugees is a very good one though.
I just feel frozen, powerless, maybe it's my Cancer Mars, feel unable to initiate.
I think the recent Pluto-Moon opposition has thrown me into this depressive state.Though depression is something I've struggled on and off all my life...but not like this.
I've lived all my life in my head. But it's not working anymore. I have issues with shame, avoiding people, I'm afraid of being rejected.
The last few years I've been into spirituality...eastern philsophies...But got to a point where I feel I'm losing myself.
Nothing seems real anymore.
I used to switch from one belief system to another very quickly. Then I just lost it...
I don't know who I am...Also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder...so that kind of explains a lot


Cancer Mars are the biggest hustler's I know.
The most successful people I know are Cancer Mars because remember their shell.
They are crabs but they can move and they can move fast.
Remember that. Look at my 'Month of July General Reading' thread on this forum and at the section for Cancer (and Virgo). Your fuel is your emotions, not your feelings. People get that mixed up when they think emotions are the same as feelings. They're not. Read up about it, especially with the Cancer moon

That Pluto opposing your moon can fuel transformation.

See if that Cancer reading resonates. A big move might be to summer clean the **** out of your life so you can open up energetic space for new things to enter. Water signs are the cups in Tarot. Remember that a cup has a limit before it over flows. New things will go into a cup that has room for it but if your cups if filled with stale water, empty it, rinse out the cup and go find that fresh spring water.

x

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 02, 2017 01:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Where can I find that month of July reading you mentioned?

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sarahhm
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posted July 02, 2017 01:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sarahhm     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Cinnamon sky:
Where can I find that month of July reading you mentioned?

http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum11/HTML/022683.html

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 02, 2017 02:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Also another thing I've been into lately is sewing, I took a sewing course and had this idea to start making bags...but I'm afraid I'll start and then I'll realise I can't turn my ideas into something good enough...Or I'll just realise it's not something I want to do. I have all these dreams and ideas but they just go away..
Also I need to be around people...but I'm afraid to be around people.

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NinaAria
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posted July 04, 2017 02:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for NinaAria     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Cinnamon,

I can pull for you if you'd like?

As far as your chart goes in about 2 years you'll find where you belong and there will be a project/job that will take center stage in your life. I'm looking at your prog Sun conjuncting Saturn and then your libra stellium as the years pass. Geared for success. The fact that you are in web development is creative to me imo. And that square from Mars Pluto should give you the drive and stamina you need to persevere.

How is relationships with women? Moon square Pluto do you attract dominant women or have you had difficulty with women.

Your chart says you'd work well with women though however if you're a guy keep it professional don't involve romantic relationship in the work place.

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mirage29
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posted July 04, 2017 03:43 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mirage29     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Cinnamon... {{{ }}}
So sorry you're going through this...
You have to know that tChiron in Pisces has been also bringing up garbage for you.
It's good to cry things out. It cleanses your Heart.

I had worked on your chart, and totally forgot to come back and talk about it.
*palm to forehead*

In any case, tChiron will stay in Pisces through to the end of the year.

I have a Mars Cancer too.... I understand about the feeling of being holed-up and isolated. Yes, you might feel overly socially sensitive out with people. You also have that wonderful Cancer Moon nearby.

I'm kinda appalled that they *whoever* gave you such a HARSH diagnosis. That is a 'popular' trendy TRASH-CAN diagnosis for therapists who don't know what the hell they are doing-- and making absurd amounts of money at it... I've seen more people DAMAGED by going to counselors who suck at it...

*ahem* LOL... *breathes, straightens herself out* *composed*
*off the soapbox*

You have a MARS CANCER. Read about it. Study it, Cinnamon. It's not an illness...

You know who understands Mars Cancers? Rick Levine. Look up his astrological monthly reports since Mars entered Cancer. (He has a Moon Cancer-- extremely close to your degree.. if not the same degree.)

If you live near an astrologer-counselor, think about going for a consult? (What section of the country are you in? if USA)

I HOPE you don't stay with a therapist who could be so blind? (At least, to my own perceptions... Everything you said smacks of Mars Cancer.)

You have Saturn-Venus in the 2nd too, being amplified by Jupiter there. Saturn-Venus... I wonder if ("up until now!!" *ahem*) that confluence has influenced and affected your sense of self-worth and esteem? Jupiter amplifies whatever energy is there.
(ha! I have Mars Cancer, then Uranus Cancer, AND a Jupiter Cancer which sextiles my Virgo Moon!!!... My Mars Cancer trines Juno Scorpio--- Voicing for those who 'feel' disempowered in groups H11 Scorp, AND H12.)

Start studying your chart more.....
You can HELP your own self to better psychological Health USING your astrology.

PEG and identify those energies.
Then having SEEN and observed and 'sensed' WHAT those energies are--- embark on a RE-do, a REMAKE of your narrative-- the story you tell yourself.

You have psychic gifts... intuition. That's what can make the crazy-feeling or sense that your feelings are all mixed up with other people and their feelings.
For that? go meta. Go metaphysical-- find out what you can do to GROUND yourself, and learn (to the best of your ability) what is me, and what is Other?

Utilize Gems and Stones... example, Tourmaline, Onyx, ... and RoseQuartz, Amethysts. Blue Lace Agates and Lapis Lazuli for Mars Cancers? Read books on it... Go hold the gems in your hand.... haha, see if the shop will 'rent' some of them to you.

Tell yourself a NEW Story. A LOVE Story. A Story of Empowerment, and a Beautiful Strength. Cancer... Mars can act in Love and Tenderness, and Wonderful Caring.

START.... With Mars-Return soon, with your own Beautiful Self.

YOU are EXTREMELY Precious. YOU have a strong Future. What you Overcome, you can Help Others do, in turn. That's STRENGTH, That's Mars Cancer COURAGE in the face of danger. I think that is common in charts of a fire-fighter, paramedics, first-responders. (not fact-checked!! LOL)

And your 'feelings' DO count.
So deeply.

(music) Hero (Mariah Carey) [4:16] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cd9rQ5pu3m8

Believe in Yourself.....
And Prayer works.

(music) Stand (Donnie McClurkin, lyrics) [5:20] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuMLBhrKHsA

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mirage29
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posted July 04, 2017 03:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mirage29     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You've got some great people giving you some GREAT feedback and advice right now....

You are Not Alone.

Adding....
I understand about the 'floaty' thing with eastern-orientations...
I'm an Eclectic, when it comes to Belief Systems? There's good to be found in all traditions...

I would steer you towards the Christian expressions? ... For people who don't have a firm sense of their own 'identity'-- you can Bond to a Human-in-Spirit-form... (if that makes sense to you, *Heart* LOL)
Maybe do it for a while, until you see some recovery for yourself?
I KNOW that many of these stress guilt and terrible terrible condemnation on one's self. But there ARE people who are into Grace, and don't condemn... Some people have been abused by those in that belief system. {Sorry if that was true for you, in your family?} (Chiron H9)
Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.
When you need to, God is still there for you.

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 04, 2017 04:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you all.

And Mirage, thanks for you in depth reply.
I'm in such a dark place now that I can't do anything by my own.
When I say I feel very suicidal I'm not exaggerating.

About the BPD diagnosis, I've thought a lot about it and actually feel it's accurate. It's not some kind of negative prison sentence tho.
But in a way I felt relieved when I got it, hard to explain...it explained so much, and finally I felt that things make sense. It really reflects some issues I have and finally it got recognised. I can't just pretend I'm able to function like some kind of standard when I can't.

I think the Cancer Mars and Moon doesn't exclude it...
Yeah, I feel a lot and very deeply and been through stuff that created these defence mechanisms...Also the lack of stable sense of self.

Right now, these days it's just dark...I usually get up, and get going, but lately I can't do it.

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 04, 2017 04:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm not into organised religion, lately just want to find peace, more like just want to find myself. It's sort of Alice in Wonderland to me...there is no absolute truth.

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 04, 2017 04:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
What do you mean by human in spirit form?
I haven't been through religious abuse, persay, not even far. It's just that I've had some spiritual experiences, I've been a "seeker" and now there is this synthesis in my head, everything is a mess there, I feel like my brain doesn't work anymore.
The conflict between logic and intuition...I can't think clearly anymore but spirituality is too confusing for me. I'm still a Virgo, I can't just lose my mind and sacrifice it in the name of blurry spirituality...I don't know.
Maybe Mercury/ Neptune side effects.
Just want my clear thinking back...

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mirage29
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posted July 04, 2017 04:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mirage29     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
....

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aquagembaby
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posted July 04, 2017 04:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquagembaby     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Pluto opposing Moon transit like you said could really bring difficulties concerning where you 'fit in' within the group setting, and since your Moon is in Cancer in 11H natally, you're already sensitive when thrown in a social atmosphere, which can make you retreat. The great thing about Moon in 11H is that usually these people are very in tune with people's needs and can really support others, and society. Just a suggestion, but maybe volunteering would help you? Soup kitchen, shelter, anything. Sometimes when you're feeling down, helping other people puts back meaning in your life and seeing other people's situations can really shed a new perspective on your own life.

Transit Pluto is about to come to an exact square w/ your natal Pluto..2H and 5H are involved, so expressing your individuality vs earning potential can conflict, and this may add to your overall frustration about your career.

I hope you will get through this. Things will change with time, but you sometimes just have to be patient until then. I'm also going through similar career struggles like you, as well as feelings of isolation. I believe there is a meaning to all of this and perhaps we need to go through this right now.

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 04, 2017 04:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by NinaAria:
Cinnamon,

I can pull for you if you'd like?

As far as your chart goes in about 2 years you'll find where you belong and there will be a project/job that will take center stage in your life. I'm looking at your prog Sun conjuncting Saturn and then your libra stellium as the years pass. Geared for success. The fact that you are in web development is creative to me imo. And that square from Mars Pluto should give you the drive and stamina you need to persevere.

How is relationships with women? Moon square Pluto do you attract dominant women or have you had difficulty with women.

Your chart says you'd work well with women though however if you're a guy keep it professional don't involve romantic relationship in the work place.


Thank you...
I'm a woman. My relationship with women...depends...changeable, maybe not the best.
Two years...hm...I don't know what could happen until then..maybe losing it completely? lol...not lol

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Cinnamon sky
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posted July 04, 2017 04:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cinnamon sky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
@aquagembaby, thank you.
I've been thinking about volunteering, I'm just shy at initiating, doing first steps..
Lately everything looks like there is a "catch".
I usually have many ideas but then there is always a catch, a block, so then I don't do anything.
I know it all sound like excuses. But I really feel like I'm stuck..

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