posted September 20, 2017 11:03 AM            

this year has been a bigger culmination of a lot of really intense inner turmoil for me. I am actively beginning dedicated work with a mental health professional more seriously than befoe (perhaps because I am simply more ready) on some deep, harmful patterns i have in relationship thats derive from early repeated trauma. Some might describe what I am dealing with as complex PTSD. I'm not so interested in diagnosis, as genuine healing and moving forward. This trauma has risen so much to the surface this year it is interrupting my everyday life and I am basicallyunable to work. I also have dealt with extreme trust issues - of myself and others - impainring my ability to cultivate ANY clos relationships. I recently stopped speaking to my mother and this has eased a lot of things, but also opened up an emtpiness. Our relatiship was not good, but WAS familiar, and in a sene, comforting for that familiarity.

Additionally I am dealing with some chronic physical pain issues that I have gotten closer to understaning and address over the years (similar to the mental health issues!) but there is still a lot of suffering and mystery about it.

I have been going through all kinds of difficulty around obnoxious, horrible neighbors making noise all day and night in the building nextdoor, and also major conflict and a sense of major disconnect/difference in values from my fellow condo neighbors in MY building. this all really builds a sense of isolation and sadness, though i am increasingly accepting it and hopefully able to integrate it and move forward from it gradually.

there's a lot of push and pull in my life, and i'm going through major mental/emotional pain this year, and major social isolation - largely, as i ride this path toward sheding all this old, harmful stuff and sayin NO to those olf way and relationships... and venturing forward as best i can.

one highlight of recent times is i am beginnign to take some art classes. artistic expression is a place i feel relative freedom, especially when shared in a class or community setting. his is very positive, as if others areas of my life i feel a LOT of fear and ancxiety around being caged and lock in, trapped, and not free.

I listen to and read books by adyanshanti and eckhart tolle for peace and hope, among other things.

so that's SOME context.

Last night was horrendous. I often struggle to get good sleep, but I am almost always able to fall asleep, even if it takes some time, or if i wake up once or twice in the night. Last night I could not sleep the ENTIRE night. I recently had some moles removed, and there was some pain I was not used to, and that may have contirubted to this partially. I also felt anxious, and felt a many-months-long-ongoing familiar feeling of heaviness in my lungs and tightness in my chest, for hours... Maybe its anxiety, but I think it actually precedes the andxiety, and when i notice it, i become anxious then. Anyway, i lay awake all night long. Finally I gave up on sleeping aroun 6AM and walked to the lakeshore, and faced east over the water to see the sunrise. I felt a little more peaceful, but the night has been a total nightmare. I am VERY impacted by lack of sleep. I have a sensitive body.. I havent drunk caffeine in years, or similar things. And when my sleep rhythm and health is not in good condition, it drastically effects the following days. I have observed this time and again. So not getting sleep for an entire night... is not pleasing.

Anyway I realized that here in CST, the new moon was exact ABOUT 12:30AM, in Virgo. Right at the same degree as my Virgo South Node!

I'm struggling a lot these days. i'd deeply appreciate anyone's take on this, or oservations, or similar astrological jaunts they've have with these kinds of aspects. Please please do share.