posted November 26, 2004 08:13 PM            

I had a horrible nightmare last night. You ever have one of those where you wake up sweating and shaking. I dreamed it was nickel beer night at the Detroit Pistons game.

The Pacers played the Celtics last night and won. Actually they hit 40% of their shots and 20% of their fans.

The Pacers easily beat the Celtics, and that’s my hometown so I feel bad, 106 to 96. Which is embarrassing for Boston, Indiana has lost so many stars they were down to using the white guys.

It turns out that the Detroit Pistons fan who allegedly threw that beer at Ron Artest was on probation for a DUI...he has a police record that also includes assault, fraud, and carrying a concealed weapon. This guy shouldn’t have been in the stands at an NBA game - he should’ve been on the court.

Because of his actions, the pistons are revoking the guy’s season tickets. Hey, if they really want to punish him, they should give him season tickets to see the Chicago Bulls. That’ll teach him a lesson.

Kobe Bryant commented on the situation today. He was very upset. He said that "you should never attack a fan until you get back to the hotel.”

This is really awful don’t you think? Players attacking fans. I liked it better in old days when players would just choke the coach. What happened to those days?

Ron Artest said in a radio interview that he feels that his season long suspension is too harsh of a punishment. He thought it was too harsh getting suspended for the whole season. And today Scott Peterson said, "I’ll take it!”

I’m sure you heard about this - the Republicans have won yet another seat. Dan Rather’s! He’s leaving CBS.

In fact when Dan Rather announced he was leaving. President Bush said, "I didn't even know he was in my cabinet."

Dan Rather said stepping down was the hardest thing he ever had to announce in his career. Actually the second hardest. The hardest thing he had to announce Bush being re-elected.

Dan Rather said today that his decision to retire has nothing to do with the controversy over those fake National Guard documents. That’s kind of like Yasser Arafat saying his decision to step down had nothing to do with him dying.

George Bush said today he was very sorry to hear that Dan Rather was leaving and then he said, "By the way Dan, those National Guard documents…they were real!”

Boy there’s a lot of changes in the nightly newscast. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera.

I tell you, I’m on the Atkins Diet this year. This Thanksgiving, I’m serving 18 pounds of bacon in the shape of a turkey. It’s healthier.

They say a record number of Americans will deep fry their turkeys this year. You know the hardest part about deep frying the turkey? Keep it separate in the fryer from the donuts and the onion rings. Then you get the donut smell on the skin.

The U.S. Postal Service is reportedly considering raising the price of a stamp. Right now a stamp is 37-cents, and they’re doing a study to see if there’s an even more annoying amount. Like 43-cents. Then you’ll need a quarter, a dime, a nickel, and three pennies.

Some sad news here at NBC. The show "LA X” has been cancelled. Actually, we don’t use the word "cancelled”. They said the show departed ahead of schedule.

It was kind of cruel how they told the cast and crew. They walked on the set and said, "The exits are located here, here and here.”

Clay Aiken doing Christmas special for NBC. In a touching scene, he helps the poor and unfortunate. Justin Guarini.

Michael Jackson’s brother, Jermaine Jackson has filed for divorce from his wife. Here’s the odd part, Michael has asked for custody of the children.

Letterman

Dan Rather is going to retire in May. He is stepping down after 24 years. That makes it official – I’m now the weirdest guy on CBS!

Don’t worry about Dan. In 2009 he takes over for Jay Leno.

How about Oprah Winfrey? On Monday everybody in her audience received $15,000 in free gifts. What’s a matter…did you run out of cars you cheapskate?!

Did you hear about this guy in Maine? He was driving a truck, but naked. He drove through three towns naked, in the wrong direction and was speeding before crashing into a police car. Driving naked, the wrong way and speeding. Basically this guy is me without a show.

New York Governor George Pataki might be the next Director of Homeland Security. He’s at home right now memorizing the color chart.

President Bush has asked for a 50% increase in the number of spies and intelligence at the CIA. Apparently he’s not getting enough memos to ignore.

It’s the night before Thanksgiving. Mom is coming up. I have to get home early after the show and mark all the levels on the liquor bottles.

Martha Stewart has been in prison now for seven weeks. She’ll be spending Thanksgiving in prison instead of with family. Some people have all the luck!

Conan

Ron Artest has been giving a lot of interviews since it was announced he’s been suspended from the NBA. He’s been spending his free time promoting his new rap CD. It’s the perfect holiday gift to hit someone over the head with.

There was a jewel robbery at Ozzy Osbourne’s house. Police say it may have been an inside job. When Ozzy heard this he became upset and asked, "Was it me?!” He then fell down and slept for nine days.

A 72 year old great grandma that works in the CIA is heading to Iraq. When asked about going to Iraq the grandma said, "It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Mesopotamia.”

Tuesday Night November 16

Leno

You sound like President Bush when he heard Dan Rather is stepping down.

Before we get started, I want to make an announcement. To avoid any trouble, we’re cutting off beer sales after the seventh monologue joke to avoid any trouble.

I guess you heard, Dan Rather announced today that he’s stepping down as anchor of the CBS News. Though rather said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet. So it’s not official…

He uses all those Texas expressions. He said "He’d leave when the kettle starts whistling at the frying pan.” What does that mean?

Dan Rather announced that he’s stepping down as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. I had a feeling something was coming yesterday when he signed off with, "I’m Dan Rather and you can all bite me.”

But he’s not leaving show business. I guess he has a lot of offers. He might host the show "Ripley’s Believe It or Not."

Dan Rather said he looks forward to working as an investigative reporter "full time”. See, that’s how the whole forged documents story happened. He was only investigating part time. If he had been working on it full time it would have never happened.

He’s been there 24 years. That’s longer than any other news anchor. Walter Cronkite was only 19 years. When he started at CBS News, Andy Rooney’s eyebrows were only a foot long.

Finally some good news for Mike Tyson. He was drafted by the Pacers.

You know when I saw the footage of that fight at the NBA game last Friday, I really got confused. I figured, oh, thank God they settled the hockey strike.

Here’s some good news: police in Detroit have identified the man who threw the cup of beer on Artest. What’s really scary? Police went to his house today, and found a stockpile of 300 cups, and beer-making materials.

Let me tell you something, this thing is a huge pr nightmare for the NBA. In fact, they’re now calling Kobe’s arrest, "the good ol’ days”.

Bad news for Chicago Bulls fans. Not one of their players was suspended for the year. They gotta keep playing

The penalty phase in the Scott Peterson trial has now been delayed until after Thanksgiving. You know we Americans, we like to fatten them up before we kill them.

After pressure from the United States, it looks like up to 80% of Iraq’s debt will be forgiven by creditors. In a related story, today Donald Trump begged President Bush to invade his casinos. "Could you invade my casinos?!”

According to a new study in Japan, heavy computer use may be linked to eye disease. Isn’t that amazing? Now there’s two ways to go blind looking at porn.

Dennis Rodman is playing professional basketball again and they’re saying he could be back in the NBA by Christmas. Finally a voice of reason in pro sports.

In an interview in "Jane” magazine, 18 year old Lindsay Lohan said she actually enjoyed being in the hospital for exhaustion because she couldn’t work and nobody bothered her. Wow, is she going to love turning 40 in Hollywood.

"American Idol” runner up Clay Aiken has postponed three concerts on his Christmas tour because of vocal chord problems caused by an infection. A vocal chord problem? To which Ashlee Simpson said, "Why would that stop a concert?”

Letterman

The New York City Police Department has busted up a mob controlled limousine line. I think I rode in one of those limos once from the airport. I had to ride in the trunk.

If you’re visiting New York City, don’t worry you don’t have to take a mob limo. You can take an al-Qaeda run cab.

A company in Chicago has made the world’s largest slab of fudge. Its 2100 pounds! 2100 pounds of fudge. So between that and the wedding it’s been a couple of exciting weeks for Star Jones!

President Bush apparently ignored an intel memo on the Indiana Pacers.

On eBay a ten year old grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary on it was sold for $28,000. And for an extra buck they threw in a drink and fries.

Dan Rather is stepping down in March from CBS News. He will be replaced by Conan O’Brien.

Conan

Ron Artest is still in the news. This morning he appeared on the "Today Show” to talk about his season ending suspension. There was a tense moment when he asked Matt Lauer if the people in the window were bothering him.

Yesterday Oprah surprised 300 people in her audience by giving them all a free washer and dryer. In a related story, more shocking was that 300 people were in the audience for the Maury Povich Show.

Monday Night November 22

Leno

Here’s some good news – U.S. forces have taken Fallujah. But experts say it will be hard to keep Iraq’s insurgents from going after people in other cities. It will be hard? Hey, we can’t even keep the Indiana Pacers from going after people in other cities.

How many of you watched the new NBA reality show Friday: "Who wants to be attacked by a millionaire?”

Wasn’t that unbelievable? Did you see Indiana’s Ron Arrest, I mean Artest, go into the stands after that guy? You know, at first when I saw an NBA player attacking a fan I thought, uh oh, Kobe must be dating again.

In fact this was the first sporting event in history where the nosebleed seats were down in front.

Today the Pacers unveiled their new slogan: "If you can’t beat 'em, beat 'em!”

David Stern, the commissioner of basketball, is not taking this lightly. Oh man, did you see his press conference? I understand he handed out nine suspensions and four Vibe Awards.

It was on this date in 1963 that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. You know, when I was growing up, everyone would always say, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Today the new head of the CIA said, "Kennedy has been shot?”

In a speech at the summit in Chile, President Bush said he will work hard to have a major guest worker program with Mexico so that we can fill empty jobs nobody wants. Like in his Cabinet.

President Bush met with the president of Colombia today. Bush told the president of Colombia that Whitney and Bobby send their best. The president gave Bush a package for Bobby and Whitney.

There’s talk in some political circles of amending the United States Constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger could be president. But the Democrats are against it – first, they want the Constitution changed so maybe a Democrat can maybe be president again.

As you know, the Clinton library was opened last Thursday. And today the city council in Little Rock voted to shut it down. Turns out the area is not zoned for adult businesses.

I’m sure you saw the Clinton library? Pretty impressive. They say the collection consists of more than 80 million presidential items, many that vibrate.

The sentencing phase of the Scott Peterson trial began today. This would determine whether or not he gets the death penalty. Legal analysts said today that this phase of the trial is being watch very closely. Especially by Robert Blake.

Here’s an amazing story - NASA flew an unmanned jet that went almost 7,000 miles per hour. Ten times the speed of sound! Which means one day a jet could go from New York to Los Angeles in 20 minutes. Well, 21 minutes - there’d be a one-minute layover in Atlanta.

The co-founder of Nike has stepped down after 36 years in charge. He’s being replaced by a 13-year-old Malaysian boy named Pago.

Here’s something we mentioned the other night – there’s a new generation of porno films coming out featuring married couples. Married people are appearing together in these porno films. And you can really tell they're married: During foreplay one couple was talking about refinancing their house.

A company called Castaway Travel is now offering an all-nude vacation to Mexico, which they say starts with a nude airline flight. Well, that should speed things up at security.

Letterman

I had a rough weekend. I found out Mom threw a beer at Ron Artest.

Did you see that melee at the Pacers and Pistons game? There was screaming, shoving, rioting – it was like Arafat’s funeral.

Ron Artest has been suspended for the incident. The good news – he has been chosen to host the Vibe Awards next year.

Artest will be out the whole season, 140-game suspension. That should give a glimmer of hope to the Knicks!

Friday Night November 19

Letterman

It was cold today. It was colder than what you think. I went on a walk for my lunch break and saw a guy in the park cut a hole in the ice to urinate in the reservoir.

Good news. Mom has made a smooth transition from Scott Petterson to Robert Blake.

Jury selection for the Robert Blake case has begun. Under law, Blake is to be judged by a jury of his peers, which would be 12 unemployed homicidal actors.

Which are not that hard to find in L.A.

Happy Birthday today to Mickey Mouse! Seventy-six years old today. Mickey Mouse of course lives in Laguna Beach with his longtime friend Mighty Mouse.

Another celebrity birthday. Happy 71st birthday to Larry King. He celebrated this year as he does every year – with a few close wives.

I like it when Larry King has a birthday. It keeps me from being the world’s oldest dad.

Thursday Night November 18

Leno

You know what today was? The official opening of the Clinton library in Little Rock, Arkansas. President Bush was there. Huge event. Poured. Nothing but rain. Which is kind of ironic because a lot of dresses got ruined.

President Bush was there. In fact, when they told President Bush it was going to be a gala event he said, "None of them are going to be getting married, right?”

In fact there were four presidents there, standing side by side. Presidents Carter, Bush One, Clinton and of course George W. Bush all standing together. It kind of looked like the 99-cent-store version of Mt. Rushmore!

It was all very dignified. You know, there was one kind of tacky moment when Clinton started handing out cigars. I didn’t think that was proper form.

One other thing I thought was premature: when Hillary announced groundbreaking for her own presidential library.

Hillary Clinton said Bill Clinton’s library "tells the story of his life.” In fact, that’s why it’s a two-story building.

Al Gore was sitting there. I don’t want to say that Al has gotten big, but Clinton saw him from behind and said, "Monica?"

The head of the United States Catholic Bishops said yesterday that "It’s been a very tough time for bishops.” Not as tough as it’s been for alter boys.

Scott Peterson’s attorney, Mark Geragos, filed a motion today requesting a new jury be seated to decide whether or not he gets the death penalty. The problem with the old jury is they know he’s guilty.

Did you hear the big news? The West Wing has been canceled. Not the TV show, the Bush Cabinet.

According to the New York Daily News, Colin Powell as secretary of state had urinals removed that were in the women’s restrooms at the State Department. There were urinals in there and all the women like him because he had them removed. Which is funny. That’s funny. Because when Janet Reno was attorney general at the Justice Department, she had the urinals put in.

Hey, Kev (talking to Kevin Eubanks) - what do the price of gold and Anna Nicole Smith have in common? Earlier this week they both hit a ten-year-high.

Did you hear what happened to Anna Nicole? Apparently she tried to cut in line ahead of Courtney Love at the pharmacy.

Here’s my favorite disgusting news story of the week – Hardee's restaurants coming out with a new hamburger called the Monster Thickburger. It’s made with two one-third-pound beef patties and contains over 1,400 calories and 107 grams of fat. In fact this thing is so big, you can’t even get it in the drive-thru window, you have to go around back to the loading dock.

Michael Jackson is in the news again – this time he’s being sued for $3 million by a film producer who claims Michael never repaid him the money he loaned him. Isn’t that unbelievable? Michael Jackson being sued by a grown-up? Has that ever happened before?

Planning has been finalized for a TV movie about Bonnie Lee Bakley. I’m not sure what kind of movie, but we can rule out a "whodunit."

[Robert] Blake got a big movie deal – today he was signed to do a movie. He’s starring in the Scott Peterson story.

The NBC show "LAX" had a big surprise last night. They were on the air.

Here’s a sign of the times. A video company is coming out with porn that features only married couples having sex. See, that’s when you know the Republicans have won. When we have married porn.

Finally, a return to family values.

You can tell they’re really married because she wouldn’t do stuff on the video that they did while they were dating.

posted November 26, 2004 08:55 PM              

I guess you heard, Dan Rather announced today that he’s stepping down as anchor of the CBS News. Though rather said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet. So it’s not official…

He uses all those Texas expressions. He said "He’d leave when the kettle starts whistling at the frying pan.” What does that mean?

Dan Rather announced that he’s stepping down as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. I had a feeling something was coming yesterday when he signed off with, "I’m Dan Rather and you can all bite me.”

But he’s not leaving show business. I guess he has a lot of offers. He might host the show "Ripley’s Believe It or Not."

Actually, the first married couple porn movie is two and a half hours of nothing but sex. Took over 12 years to film.