posted September 27, 2005 12:53 AM              

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Vatican Reports Unexpected 2nd Quarter Profits

Vatican City, Holy See - The Vatican today reported 2nd Quarter profits greatly exceeding shareholder expectations, which has been met with delight by the Church's top shareholders and its top officials. The Roman Catholic Church, led by CEO Benedict XVI, is traded on the NYSE (symbol: HOLY) and on the London FTSE (symbol: GOD), as well as other smaller markets throughout the world. At the recent meeting of the College of Cardinals, now doubling as a shareholder's meeting, Vatican administrator Joaquin Navarro-Valls attributed the success of the Church over the last several months to the death of Pope John Paul II, as well as increasing investor confidence bolstered by greater church attendance in developing economies.

"The Catholic Church is dominantly holding its place as the world's most profitable religion. While mourning the loss of the Pope, the Church gained greatly from absolutely unparalleled tourism dollars flowing in to our small economy. We are proud that investors the world over view the Vatican as a successful, sustainable enterprise."
Cardinal Edward Egan, a prominent member of the College representing the New York diocese, was proud to announce that in-church collections from his diocese were up 24.3% this quarter.
"If what we are seeing in New York is what is happening throughout the world, the Church is headed for a much brighter future."
The Catholic Church has recently filed trademarks in the United States of America and the European Union for trade names such as "Jesus $ave$", the new Christian discount store that the Catholic church is spearheading. This, according to Navarro-Valls, has greatly bolstered investor and consumer confidence in a church that was greatly marred by allegations of sexual abuse in the past.

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posted September 27, 2005 10:00 AM              

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Gemini sun, Cancer rising, mercury in Gemini, moon in Taurus *29, venus in Taurus, mars in Libra