posted April 16, 2008 11:11 AM              

True Christian™ Bible Based Health Tips

Freehold, Iowa - A recent survey of pre-menopausal Landover Baptist female church members (nearly a quarter of the church’s ranks) shockingly revealed that a significant percentage continue to lead secular lives during their monthly curse, continuing to use forbidden devices like the Devil's Cotton Fingers or ruining their husband’s bathroom fixtures, as they walk around in complete ignorance, trying to hide the fact that they are abnormal, and according to the Bible, a health risk, full of contaminants that put obedient church members in immediate danger! This sort of flippant disregard for church policy will no longer be tolerated. Unclean women will henceforth follow Biblical principles to the letter. Housewives will notify Pastor Deacon Fred's secretary, Mrs. Watson each month when the first drop of blood is spotted. Cursed females will immediately receive a seven-day departure pass. Children will notify the school nurse and receive the same pass. All filthy females will have 15 minutes to leave the church campus. Buses will be available outside the east gate of the main sanctuary at the top of every hour to transport all defiled women to the Freehold Airport or the Greyhound Station. (Given that every church bus must be sterilized after each trip, more frequent travel could not be scheduled.) Any violations of this policy will result in immediate church expulsion, with the matter referred to the Freehold Iowa, Baptist Police Department for further investigation should legal action need to be taken. Modernism will not be tolerated under any circumstances, we are a Bible believing church, and as such - we follow the Lord's commandments in every aspect of our daily lives. A female's disregard for the safety and health of obedient church members is absolutely no exception! If you don't like it, find another place to worship! The following steps are required:

1. Find a substitute for your home for at least seven days.

If you touch anyone during this time, you will make them unclean (Lev15:19). That would be shameful. Do not contaminate your kids or hubby with a good-bye kiss. Make sure there are plenty of pot roasts and stews in the fridge for your eldest daughter to cook (so long as you prepared those dishes in anticipation of your uncleanness and not after the flow began). Sever all ties with your family and friends for at least a week. Check into whatever hotel your budget allows, making sure management knows not to let any of its employees touch you or your polluted sheets and towels. The church will provide preprinted instructions in this regard, upon request.

2. Prepare to remain in an upright position for seven days, perhaps in a hotel closet.

Anything you sit or lie upon will be unclean (Lev15:20), and that’s not fair to those who might unwittingly touch the disgusting item later. Show some respect for your fellow man! Order room service so you don’t have to contaminate restaurant chairs, and be sure you sign for the bill when it is not in the room service waiter’s hand.

3. If you accidentally sin by sitting on a bed or chair, notify management immediately.

That will give them the chance to track down those who may have touched the contaminated bedspread or sheets or moved the defiled chair, so they can vigorously wash the skank from their bodies, even though they will remain unclean all day, thanks to your irresponsibility (Lev15:21-22).

4. Do NOT, under any circumstances, let your tainted vagina (or “flowers”) touch anyone, or you make him unclean for seven nights (Lev15:24).

In other words, you must suppress the female’s natural tendency to be a harlot for at least a week.

5. If the flow continues after seven days, repeat the above (Lev 15:25).

6. Get your livestock ready for church.

Give your minister two turtles and two doves so that he may kill them to make up for your deplorable conduct in this matter, hopefully saving your sullied soul in the process (Lev15:29-30).

7. For goodness sakes, burn your clothes from this week at a location far away from town!

8. If you discover your husband has chosen another mate while you were away, you may report to the Landover Home for Unwanted Wives and Alleged Domestic Violence “Victims”.

posted April 16, 2008 11:12 AM              

Election 2008 - True Christian Voter's Guide

Freehold, Iowa - For many Americans who are addicted to reality television and tired of the writers' strike, their desperation for new programming is playing out in the voting booth. "Presidential elections are not a game," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "But I fear that Americans are so lethargic, they'll go to any length to keep themselves entertained - even when it comes to electing a President. As True Christians™ it is our job to keep these folks informed, and I'm here to tell you, that we need to stop them from fooling around with the fate of our Christian Nation just to keep them from being bored! I don't care how much more interesting prime time television might be with a black Muslim sitting in the Oval Office, this is a serious matter, and unsaved Demoncrats need to wake up and smell the blood of Christ, before things get out of hand!" says Pastor.

To Islamic extremists (like there is any other kind!), watching Senator Barak Hussein Obama parading around on TV is just like looking into a mirror. "Muslims (or Islamists) are born into Islam by blood," says Pastor Deacon Fred, "Being Islamic is like being diabetic – you got yourself a disease that is carried in the blood! Amen? It is just like Jewish folks are born Jewish and coloreds are born colored. Sure, some people think they can convert to Judaism or stay out in the sun long enough to make folks think they are Negroes, but Jews and colored folks don't really welcome them as true Jews or coloreds. To be a bona fide Jew or card carrying member of the National Association of Advancing Colored People (NAACP), you gotta be able to trace your bloodline back to old King David or his kitchen help – and have hair that gets real, crazy wavy without hours under a hot dyer with a head full of sponge curlers. For Islamazoids, they trace their freedom-hating, dirty bloodline straight back to the brothel where their false prophet, Mohammed was born. And there is a lot of tracing going on because that Mohammed fellow made more babies with more woman than a Magic's Johnson could ever hope to do in ten lifetimes, even if he weren’t secretly attracted to preoperative she-males. You laugh, but, surely, you godly folks don’t think Magic got that homosexual disease of his from a toilet seat, now do you?"

True Americans™ should be concerned that possibly their next president, the product of Biblically forbidden interracial marriage (be not unequally yoked together - 2 Corinthians 6:14) was born of a Muslim father and raised in Muslim schools in a region of the world where children are brainwashed into serving the mission of Al-Qaeda from the day their little heads pop out of their mothers' lady parts. "They are programmed like the Manchurian Candidate to snap back into being a militant Muslim when a secret word is said,” explains Pastor Deacon Fred. “Now, I don’t rightly know what that secret word is. It may be something obscure that nobody says – like “photosynthesis.” But what if it’s something like, apple or lie – something a President hears everyday? We could wind up with a president who turns into a radical Islamic extremist four or five times every day – even before lunch! I know it sounds like a pitch for a great new TV show, but for the love of Christ! We're talking about the fate of our Nation!

"Lets look at another thing these reality television starved Demoncrats don't take into account," says Pastor Deacon Fred, "It took white Americans over 100 years after they were freed from being slaves of tea-sipping Nancy boys from England to run for President, and now a "so-called" colored man expects to have that right after being free for half that time? Not in this country, Senator Hussein! You've got to wait your turn, like the rest of us! Right now, America is just doing fine, thank you very much. Any old crusty fence-sitting white man that comes our way, should be able to keep things moving along until the apocalypse. That's called, 'Affirmative Reaction!' Praise Jesus!

A comprehensive list of Barak Hussein Obama's ties to the Muslim world has been compiled by the Landover Baptist Department for the Study of Inferior Cultures. "We encourage all prospective voters, from the colored folks who help wash our dishes, to the kindly gentlemen who pick up our trash in the morning to review the list below before they make a horrible decision in this next election that could change the fate of our Christian Nation, and delay Armageddon for another four years or so!

Barack Hussein Obama's Connections to the Nation of Islam:
His father was Islamic, and his mother was a lover of Islam. She even married another Muslim man after Obama's blood father died. That little lady is ADDICTED to dark Muslim penis.

He was born in Hawaii, which is still (to many True Christians™) a foreign country with questionable leanings. Creation Scientists classify Hawaii as: Japanese Miami.

He spent most of his youth in Muslim countries and received his early education in schools run by the Nation of Islam. As True Christians™ we believe that everything you really ever need to learn is taught in kindergarten - and in Obama's case - this fact should send shivers down that long rubbery bone that is called your spine!

His original name was “Baraka,” which is not an African name. It's an Arabic word meaning “blessed” and comes directly from the Koran. The Koran is a so-called "Holy Muslim Book," the soft pages of which every God-fearing Republican secretly uses as toilet paper due to the sensitive nature of our conservative hineys.
He was involved in several developing communities projects in Chicago which assisted poor Muslim families who have no business in our country other than to make everyone nervous.
He has visited several Muslim countries in search of his demonic mixed-race roots.
He is often seen eating at Middle Eastern restaurants and appears suspiciously fond of foods that normal people are unable to pronounce, such as tabouli

In his college days, he would take his laundry to a Muslim owned laundry mat, and would often ask people who looked like they were Muslim to change his paper money for coins, which he would then feed to machines in a ritualistic fashion.

He brags about being an excellent poker player, hinting at the fact that he is good at bluffing when it comes to his religious heritage.

He is opposed to the war on Terror – an act so brazen he may as well have whipped out a laminated “Islamic Extremist Membership” card on national TV.