Posts: 538
From:
Registered: Nov 2002

posted November 09, 2003 10:11 AM         

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breathe the air
smell the essence of that
which makes a man a king

feel the wind
know the caress
of that which made these things

know the sky
feel its breath
and through its blue take wing

feel the rain
the sun and time
which births and slaughters kings

daf

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Posts: 738
From: California, USA
Registered: Feb 2003

posted November 09, 2003 01:55 PM         

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I would reconisder a different ending for the last stanza. I don't think repeating 'kings' again works so well.

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Hello everybody! I used to be QueenofSheeba and then I was Apollo and now I am QueenofSheeba again (and I'm a guy in case you didn't know)!

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Posts: 16464
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted November 10, 2003 09:32 AM         

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Cool poem.

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Posts: 538
From:
Registered: Nov 2002

posted November 12, 2003 11:05 AM         

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Thanks for your input QOS. I couldn't agree more, however the line I wanted to use instead:

feel the rain
the sun and time
now ain't that grand! a ring-a-ding ding!

just didn't seem to work there. I'm looking forward to working it into a future poem.

Thanks again for the comments QOS, Randall, they ARE appreciated.

Daf

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