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Author
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Topic: Where Art Thou, My Father
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The passenger
Knowflake Posts: 272
From: Taipei, Taiwan
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 20, 2004 09:33 AM
 
Alone in the dark
I have a horrid dream
I am sailing in a storm
The unknown forces are taking me awayI inhale
I burn
Where art thou, Father
Where were thou when I needed thee Mother takes care of my brother and me
On her own
We disappoint her by
Going on acid trips
And more I have never seen thee, Father
When I was a child
I wondered
Why other children had fathers
Where art thou, Father
Why did thou abandon us
I detest thee, yet I long to love thee My life is incomplete
For thou, Father
Had never given me strength
When I was weak
Thou had never lit a candle
When I was
Alone in the dark Where art thou, Father ------------------
Dana IP: Logged |
The passenger
Knowflake Posts: 272
From: Taipei, Taiwan
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 20, 2004 09:37 AM
Correction And Clarification:It's 'Where ART thou when I needed thee', not 'Where ARE thou when I needed thee' and it's 'Thou has never LIT a candle', not 'Thou has never LIGHT a candle'. I apologise for the grammatical mistakes. ------------------
Dana IP: Logged |
The passenger
Knowflake Posts: 272
From: Taipei, Taiwan
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 20, 2004 09:42 AM
'Where art thou when I needed thee'is grammatically incorrect. It should be 'Where were thou when I needed thee'.------------------
Dana IP: Logged |
The passenger
Knowflake Posts: 272
From: Taipei, Taiwan
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 20, 2004 09:53 AM
The title and the last line should be 'Where art thou, father' instead of 'Where art thou, MY father'. Furthermore, it should beFor thou, father
'Has' never given me strength and not For thou, my father
'has' never given me strength The 'H' should be a capital H. Sorry, I was too tired when I wrote the poem. I'm still tired  ------------------
Dana IP: Logged |
dafremen
Knowflake Posts: 760
From:
Registered: Nov 2002
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posted May 20, 2004 11:47 AM
I think your poem is very telling of the person who wrote it. I also think it is very telling that you choose to share your editing process with us rather than just editing the original post. The amount of thought you put into things has a way of coming through. daf IP: Logged |
The passenger
Knowflake Posts: 272
From: Taipei, Taiwan
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 21, 2004 01:06 AM
Hey dafremen, thank you for your occasional feedback and I always need some. Like you've said, it's nice to received feedback from one's peers. I've got to say that your writing style is powerful and influential. In particular the poem you wrote entitled 'Piece of Work' truly made an impact on me.------------------
Dana IP: Logged |
The passenger
Knowflake Posts: 272
From: Taipei, Taiwan
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 21, 2004 01:13 AM
I am going to re-write the last verse:My life is incomplete
For thou, father
Had never given me strength
When I was weak
Thou had never lit a candle
When I was
Alone in the dark Where art thou, father Notice that the 'has' is now re-written as 'had'. Tense inconsistency, sorry.
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Dana IP: Logged |
The passenger
Knowflake Posts: 272
From: Taipei, Taiwan
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 31, 2004 03:31 PM
The poem has been edited, except the title. ------------------
Dana IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 17571
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000
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posted June 01, 2004 12:08 PM
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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark IP: Logged |
The passenger
Knowflake Posts: 272
From: Taipei, Taiwan
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted June 12, 2004 06:24 PM
daf,Thanks for the feedback, but I wrote this poem. Not someone else. ------------------
Dana IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Knowflake Posts: 2541
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted June 12, 2004 06:44 PM
I don't think he was implying you hadn't written it, he was saying you shared something with us about you, through the posting ( evolution) of your editing process rather than simply editing it. 
I know you wrote it.IP: Logged |
The passenger
Knowflake Posts: 272
From: Taipei, Taiwan
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted June 12, 2004 07:07 PM
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Dana IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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