Posts: 2836
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted July 08, 2004 08:02 PM         

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I hope you don't mind, I read your poem, and this popped into my head for you. I hope you don't think it too forward. I just wanted you to know I feel this.

Long ago a spark was ignited.
I chose my ideologies and I chose the things I felt and the things which would lead me.
My soul called out loudly that this person I shared with was a friend to the real me.
The one I showed few others. He knew.
He knew, and I was joyful.
Then years came and they went. Those years stacked up until I no longer saw this friend.
I grew in spirit, in body and in soul. But a part of my heart, his understanding never left.
I idealized him. He became less a person, and more my actualized dreams.
My perfect fantasy.
Perfect but flawed in that I no longer knew him, only a fragmented version
and is it a story or is it as real now as it was, or was it ever?
In my desperate heart,
my churning emotions are so achingly real,
yet I know they are founded upon such frail illusions.
No support in reality.. brittle pillars and empty caverns hold up these wishes.
But they are so real. The spots between the shadows of unknowing.
They are the soundless ones, that I give voice to.
Is it enough to support me in my darkest days and most challenging nights?
Is it fair to expect him to know, to understand anymore?
Is it too far gone or
too old or
too too too anything?
Is it too late?
I must reralize that the walls that are built in my way were possibly put there by me.
I must know that no one can live up to such wonder and possibility
as I can create through memory.
I must take ownership of my wellness. Not depend upon illusions, even if they are real.
Because, when I call out, he is only there in the echo that comes back to me.
When I reach out, only the remembered softness and no firm shoulders to greet my fingers.
I can live on love But it has to come from the right source. I choose to have it channeled through me.
I let go of your illusion, breath unsteady, clutching at the faded memories that have inspired me through so many things. You taught me what I want from love, what I will not compromise on and for that I thank you.
But when reality calls, I must be there to answer.
So I let you go and when we speak or write, I will see your words as your words. Not my expectations of your words. I will see your eyes, not the eyes I have relied on innumerable times in my mind's eye. I will see you as you are.
I will not project, I will protect.
I Understand.

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Posts: 3543
From:
Registered: Feb 2002

posted July 09, 2004 12:02 PM         

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Pixelpixie, I am speechless. That was deep. Real deep.

You are lucky Need to Believe . . .

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Posts: 2836
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted July 09, 2004 01:26 PM         

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This was need to believe's post, and the emotion I was responding to. I feel this, I understand what she means, and I felt I had a message, from my eyes, but for hers.~

quote:

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As I lie here, sick and wasting away...I call out to you
My mind explodes in echoing silent screams as it calls your name...
I put my arms around myself in an effort to ease the loneliness,
and I cry...
Sobs wrack my body, my heart hurts...
I cannot breathe, my heart is too full,
Of pain
I think back to all those times,when we were innocent and young,
was I so wrong to think that you were the one?
and why not?
My Piscean mind has always woven illusions for me...
I've always believed in my gut instinct...
tonight, in my desperation, i visualized you and reached out for you...I saw your face, your eyes, your smile....
if only to hear some words of kindness,
a warm hug...
to tell me that you're there...
but you seem to be too wrapped up in your own schemes and plans...
I'm far from your heart, far from your mind...
is my intuition only an illusion?
If you care at all...reach out for me now...
or let me go for ever...
for I am tired of living half a life
I am tired of feeling only half of myself..
i am tired of living without you
I am tired of yearning for you.
I am tired.
Reach out now
Or let me go
And I will let go too...
Forever...

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Posts: 64
From:
Registered: Jul 2002

posted July 09, 2004 02:21 PM         

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Oh Pixel Pixie...you are truly wonderful....that poem was from the heart...I wish it was my heart...I so much want to let go. I realize what I have are only my own projections. My own illusions....then why do they say the heart has reasons the mind cannot understand?

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Posts: 2836
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted July 09, 2004 02:43 PM         

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So very true. I am not one to live completely in reality either. Which is why I understand. I see how the heart and mind can catapult someone from a mere human being, to a superstar who can do no wrong, and then when they are shown as human as the rest of us, a falling from grace, an empty want and expectation where there was nothing but hope to begin with.
"Why aren't you who I thought you were?" But at the same time, even though angered or saddened, you still understand it wasn't their own doing. They were always fallible, they were always elements of the good you see as well. Nothing takes away those moments we amplify a million times, and they are real, but the branches and twigs that lead from their humble roots are our own making. So how do you deal with illusion? It isn't fair to expect anyone to be who you build them into, an it is a long fall down from a pedestal so high.
My poem was for you, my interpretation, having been through it many times(in my own ways)the feeling of someone I hold so high and dear, letting me down. Maybe the tone is not yet set. Maybe you do see more than he, maybe he just can't express it or isn't ready yet to. Only time will tell. But my message was one of understanding, and also that when all the chips seem to be down, and you are relying on someone outside of yourself to help, sometimes that help doesn't come in the way we expect it should. I know your poem was a frustration.. "why doesn't he know I need more.. I have given so much emotionally and if he only knew what joy I would bring him, and he me, then he would truly cherish and speak to me how I know he could."

Something happened to me once which changed forever how I view forgiveness and challenges with others. I forgave myself, when each tender bruised part of my body and heart was reaching out to someone.. "Why aren't you here, don't you understand? You should, you did, so why not now, when I need you...." In my desperation, in my impenetrable sadness and longing, something did penetrate. It didn't ( and never could have) come from outside myself. It embraced me from within. It lit up the shadowed parts of me and it was such a feeling of lightness where only depth had been a moment before. I felt free of the chains I had put on myself, through my needs and my wants.
I can't explain morre than that, but I know part of this journey for you is one of self awakening.. Even when you have what you want.. support of one who loves you, if you don't have that healing impulse inside, things will be half measures and not much can be done. Look within. See without as well, but lok within and challenge the things you believe. Intuition, truly? I know your intuition runs deep, I in no way discredit that... but also lines become blurred by illusion.. intuition and illusion are hard to define, and you need to start trying to do tht now. Find strength within to face both beautiful and ugly things. For they are a part of all of us.
I wish you faith and healing light. You can do anything.

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Posts: 17919
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted July 09, 2004 02:55 PM         

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Posts: 64
From:
Registered: Jul 2002

posted July 09, 2004 11:50 PM         

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You're wonderful Pixel Pixie. Your name should be "faerie princess" Actually its strange because I don't see him as larger than life. He is very human with all the weaknesses that humans have. My problem is myself....my impatience, my desperation for answers. Like you said he has his own style. But there is a connection I feel with him that not even his own stupidity can break. And I have had many premonitions about him that have come true for me to dismiss all this as mere illusion, even though at times I would like to. I know that there are lessons we have to learn from each other. I know that I am ready at least. Now I have thrown the ball in his court. He will take his own time to ponder over things. I know that twin souls recognize each other and my heart feels that somewhere, I have perhaps stirred up something. Whatever it is, only time will tell. Till then, my Piscean mind will keep dreaming. But only a Scorpio like you could understand this! Your poem is so beautiful. I have read and reread it several times.

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Posts: 2836
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted July 10, 2004 04:32 AM         

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I know. Any time you need to talk about it, I am but a post away.
"Don't let the man get you down!"
I hope he fulfills your expectations. I truly do. There is absolute and resolute hope. Don't let yur path get clouded.. you know where you're headed. Trust yourself.

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Posts: 64
From:
Registered: Jul 2002

posted July 10, 2004 11:01 AM         

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I feel stronger already! See? My blue heart has come alive and changed to red! You're wonderful dear Pixie!

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