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Author Topic:   My first ever Poem
moonshine
Knowflake

Posts: 599
From: UK
Registered: Oct 2004

posted January 22, 2005 05:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for moonshine     Edit/Delete Message
Blocked

Stifled
Unable to speak
A gaping hole
A shell

Something’s missing
I feel it deep in me
I’m just an outline
Of the person I wanted to be

A coward,
Jealous too.
Pretending to be satisfied,
Because fear stops me from making a move.

Living in the shadows,
Living a half-life,
Unable to feel real emotion,
Believing in my lies.

Oh, I thought I could handle it -
It doesn’t matter really
No-one’ll be bothered, just me -
But I didn’t realise just how deeply.

I need to re-connect
With myself again
Put myself on the line
Allow myself to feel real pain.

I want to be the me I want to be
Free of negativity.
I want again to create,
And feel genuine love, not hate.

Now let this be a lesson:
Always follow your heart.
Do not be a coward
Do not stop before you start.

--

Um... what do you think? I know its not perfect and the structure etc isn't probably correct, but i wrote it from the heart, just now. Please be honest

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monad
Knowflake

Posts: 366
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted January 23, 2005 06:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for monad     Edit/Delete Message
I think you need to focus on using positive language, leave out the negativity.

Keep it simple and easy to remember.


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moonshine
Knowflake

Posts: 599
From: UK
Registered: Oct 2004

posted January 23, 2005 08:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for moonshine     Edit/Delete Message
Oh thank you monad for your comments
Yes, it is pretty negative...! But i was feeling very low when I wrote it so it is an expression of that. Its how I really feel about myself - but I really am working on changing myself for the better. After having written that poem, I did feel more positive — I guess it had a cathartic reaction.

Im hoping that, by digging deeper and working on myself, I'll get through the tunnel and out the other side, and maybe start to see the world and myself more positively.

Thank you very much for your comments. I really appreciate it.

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Dynamic_Stillness
Knowflake

Posts: 248
From: London
Registered: Dec 2004

posted January 23, 2005 09:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dynamic_Stillness     Edit/Delete Message
Moonshine,

I really, really, really loved reading your poem. I especially enjoyed the rhythm and the tonality of your words. It was very striking.
I personally don’t mind the so called 'negative' stance even though I would rather you feel good, I think sometimes some of the most beautiful and powerful poetry can come from what we perceive as 'negative' and of course your writing proves this...
Isn’t it funny that the only reason we know we are feeling good is because we know what it is to feel hurt, in a strange way our feeling good is sometimes dependant on feeling bad but that's what makes the play of life...anyway I've written far too much when all I wanted to say was that I really, really, really love your poem.

May this find you well,
Akash.

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moonshine
Knowflake

Posts: 599
From: UK
Registered: Oct 2004

posted January 23, 2005 03:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for moonshine     Edit/Delete Message
Oh thank you Dynamic Stillness, for your words...they brought tears to my eyes! I'm glad you enjoyed it..I've read some of yours too - i understand what you mean about the dulaity of pain and happiness - I can see that you've expressed it too, in your poems. They are really beautiful. I especially love Hide and Seek. much love, Monika

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miss_apples
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Posts: 632
From: white bear lake, MN, USA
Registered: Oct 2004

posted January 23, 2005 04:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for miss_apples     Edit/Delete Message
Moonshine,

I love it. I think its good to put the negative thoughts down on paper, it helps to get the negativity out of you! Now you should write your second poem about something positive and beautiful now that youve gotten all that negativity out.

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ghanima81
Knowflake

Posts: 1287
From: MAINE! :)
Registered: Aug 2003

posted January 23, 2005 04:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ghanima81     Edit/Delete Message
It's very cancerian... there are a lot of alliterations in there that lead me to that conclusion... and I like it. It's never a crime to say what you truly feel.

And be a coward when you think it's right, there's no shame in that, love.

"It was not conscience that made me do so: it was a sort of cowardice. I take no credit to myself for trying to escape."

"Conscience and cowardice are really the same things, Basil. Conscience is the trade-name of the firm. That is all."

Ghani

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 10916
From: dead
Registered: Jun 2004

posted January 23, 2005 06:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
I loved that moonshine. Poetry is not always meant to be sunshine and bubbles. It's often a theraputic expression. I wouldnt describe it as negtive, more "in-touch" with and releasing your deep feelings. Truthful. What is "negative" anyway? Just a position to eventually experience positivity from.

I found it very Chironian (is that a word?). Also watery, Cancerian like Ghani said.

Well done. Cant wait to read more from you.

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NeoKitty
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Posts: 595
From: Heaven
Registered: Dec 2004

posted January 23, 2005 08:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for NeoKitty     Edit/Delete Message
That brought back memories of long-ago, for me...

As I was reading every part, I was saying 'yes', 'yes', 'yes', totally me.

I absolutely enjoyed this...i love how it brought the memories of what I felt, and how I am now, and how much strength and change I've been through.

Thankyou

------------------
"And dreams, don't ever forget, are the first step in manifesting wishes into reality"-- Linda Goodman's Star Signs

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 24335
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted January 24, 2005 11:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message
I didn't see it as too negative.

------------------
"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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moonshine
Knowflake

Posts: 599
From: UK
Registered: Oct 2004

posted January 24, 2005 06:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for moonshine     Edit/Delete Message
Oooh.. Cancerian, really? I have a cancer rising! what parts in particular sound crab-like? And which parts seem Chironian? I'd be very interested to know, as a student of astrology.

Yes, the poem was therapy to write - For once I tried to be honest with myself and face my deepest fears, in the hope of exocising some of my demons...after all, i can only blame other people for my problems so much.... at some point I realise I do it to myself too (and thats what really hurts, lol). So you guys are right, its not negative really, because its helped me (It just appears so ) I hope it helps others.

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5080
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted January 24, 2005 06:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
I also didn't see it as negative at all... just working things out and telling yourself the tihngs which are important.
You identify a need and word it.
That's where great insights begin.

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monad
Knowflake

Posts: 366
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted January 25, 2005 12:01 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for monad     Edit/Delete Message
Sometimes when writing from the heart it does sound sad.
If you like you could go back and rewrite it.

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