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Author Topic:   a living death
pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 192
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 31, 2005 07:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
How can I hate myself so much
that self preservation alone has me withholding
and even then
it is not for me
not fully
the story for my loves
to tell
would be different if I were well
I try to see
and I do
then it leaves me
like it wasn't there
but I can dissect it
like a many layered, multi-legged germ on a slide
or pinned down with pride
I see the chaos on the inside
but without, they are amazed that I should be troubled
They can't see the mud beneath the shiny polished skin
and the coloured cheeks
there is dirt
undrneath
that infiltrates with so much energy that no soap will cleanse
it'll only multiply again anyway
and I can't go
but I can't stay
and everytime I make my way
and announce to everyone who counts
(and sometimes ones who don't)
I will do this
I can do this
I can see this
It turns into
I won't do this
I can't do this
I can't see this
or anything
else
except my lack of vital verve
except the ways that I can't serve
and can't be
and can't do
I could blame the men
I could blame the lack of them
or him
but it is mine to take,
not place
It is me who sees this perfect fake
not grace
crumbling now with every slip
not willing to face her own flagship
Sailing away
without a captain
I am nothing
now
No coping skills to learn
no blue clouds to discern
under those lulling shadows
I turn

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Bluemoon
Knowflake

Posts: 1069
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted May 31, 2005 08:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message

Do you want someone to talk to?

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 1097
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted May 31, 2005 08:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
Pix...

A living death. You are about to become new again, Miss Scorpio! You know it too. Something is certainly dying, but I have no doubt that you will find your way, and when you do you will find that it is more than you can imagine right now.

We can see your strenth, but are looking at the dirt. Look at the dirt, then. You already know the strength and only you know the dirt below. You've perfected the outside... perhaps to a larger degree than the inner foundation could withstand.

I'm being abstract, but sometimes this makes more sense to me. I hope this isn't sounding like verbal sludge to you!

Your poem is wonderful, as always. I'm sorry if I can't separate you from your work. I can feel your torment and it seems necessary for you right now. I only hope that it passes quickly for you.

Take care

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 192
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 31, 2005 08:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
I just did, thanks.

I don't know what I would say anyway........

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 192
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 31, 2005 08:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
oh......
Future uncertain.. thanks for the confidence.. I do think in terms of the way you write as well.... so it made sense to me
I wish I could see it abstractly or transiently, or a necessary rebirth...
all I want is to fade and not be.
Maybe it will lead to something beyond, but right now I will rely on facades and strange relations
not sense.

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 1097
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted May 31, 2005 08:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
Sometimes it's the only thing. I understand. When you can't get out of it, the only thing left to do is go with it. Almost a primal thing.

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 192
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 31, 2005 10:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
yes.

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

Posts: 1466
From: north of Boston, MA
Registered: Aug 2004

posted May 31, 2005 11:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message


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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 192
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 31, 2005 11:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Do you mean that I am cold?

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sweetlibra
Knowflake

Posts: 411
From:
Registered: Oct 2004

posted June 01, 2005 01:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweetlibra     Edit/Delete Message
-----------
and announce to everyone who counts
(and sometimes ones who don't)
I will do this
I can do this
I can see this
It turns into
I won't do this
I can't do this
I can't see this
or anything
-------------------
Exactly what i am doing nowadays..!
Pixie i feel u are portraying me..!

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 192
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 01, 2005 01:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Oh, I am sorry you feel this way..
sincerely!
It really sucks, as I am def. writing from the first person.... so I know how it feels.
To doubt the very thing which motivates you......

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 192
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 01, 2005 01:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
*and I have misplaced my magic wand*

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sweetlibra
Knowflake

Posts: 411
From:
Registered: Oct 2004

posted June 01, 2005 02:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sweetlibra     Edit/Delete Message
Lots of love to u pix

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ladya
unregistered
posted June 01, 2005 07:18 AM           Edit/Delete Message
pp-

I like your dark chocolate-y filling!

Yum

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Devilfish
Knowflake

Posts: 160
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted June 01, 2005 09:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Devilfish     Edit/Delete Message
whew, appreciate this
love this
so pure and true in expression
i feel it
pain penned honestly is beautiful

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sue g
Knowflake

Posts: 1078
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted June 01, 2005 09:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
So real, so raw, so you (and me)

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 192
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 01, 2005 10:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you sweetlibra..

Ladya~ *gulp* Thanks. That was cute, it made me smile.
Then lick my lips.

Devilfish~ Thank you for appreciating.... yeah.. honesty is something I've got.... pain too.. it is poopy sometimes.

Sue~ I'm glad you liken me to you. Cuz I feel it too.
*It's a rhyme!


To everyone.

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Devilfish
Knowflake

Posts: 160
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted June 01, 2005 10:39 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Devilfish     Edit/Delete Message
"its poopy sometimes"
lololololololololololol
funny lady
lololololololololololol

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whiterabbit
Knowflake

Posts: 546
From: all over the place
Registered: Aug 2004

posted June 01, 2005 05:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for whiterabbit     Edit/Delete Message
I hope you're feeling cheery today pixie

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Jonathan Gull
Knowflake

Posts: 63
From: the clouds
Registered: May 2005

posted June 11, 2005 07:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jonathan Gull     Edit/Delete Message
sorry pix, i didnt see this, or i would have replied sooner..

maybe you're just kidding (?),
but, no, how could I (or any warm blooded mammal) ever find you cold?

The snowflake was partly there to indicate the fact that your poem was so deep, it left me speechless, there was nothing I could say to add or take anything away from it -

and it was partly to imply the fact that I see you as an absolutely unique individual, like a snowflake (you know, they say no two are alike).

In retrospect, I ought not to have been so cryptic. Sorry pix.

love you,
hsc

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 192
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 11, 2005 11:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks.
Love to you.

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Jonathan Gull
Knowflake

Posts: 63
From: the clouds
Registered: May 2005

posted June 11, 2005 11:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jonathan Gull     Edit/Delete Message

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