|
Author
|
Topic: I'm getting there..i hope
|
leo_on_fire
Knowflake Posts: 422
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
|
posted July 29, 2005 12:07 AM
 
There is always a beginning for there to ever be an end and right now the end is glaring at me with cold calculation.
Almost as if testing me, trying to see if I will openly admit, truly voice just how not ok I really am.
And as I always do, with everything that I am, I confront this challenge head on and maybe it'll be enough for me to move past my self created obstacle.
I am not handling this well at all.
I can't breathe and my heart hurts worse than ever before yet somehow, I can't let go.
It is almost like watching a horrific scene play out before your eyes.
You know you should look away, for decencies sake but you just can't get away from the visual.
It is forever ingrained in your mind, never to leave you and when you least expect it, to pop up to the front.
I feel like I am holding a hot pan in my hand and I know it burns, and I know it is bad for me yet I don't let go, pushing myself past my limits trying to find myself in the pain.
I know I'm in there somewhere.
It's just taking me longer to find me this time.
I've taken these steps before, this path is more than familiar to me and yet somehow completely new and undiscovered.
The path I speak of is my not being truly alright right now.
I'm losing my newly found self in all of this because it seems so much easier to just let it take over.
I've forgotten how to truly smile and keep that smile.
All of them (smiles) are temporary and fleeting, never really sticking to the surface or quite making the impact they used to have.
Now it seems so lonely and I am cold all of the time now.
No word that anyone says is right and instead of just going my way, I stand and fight even when I know I'm wrong.
I'm stubborn at best, ignorant and self-serving at worst.
But at this moment, I'm stuck in the middle, not really knowing how to handle any of it.
I don't know how to be strong and my worst habit is running away from something before it gets the chance to bite me.
In this case, I was so wrapped up in how lovely I felt that I didn't heed the warning signs of the impending bite and infection.
My brain works in overdrive, never really grasping reality yet never really believing the dream state.
Paul McCartney said it best I think :"Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you...Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you....Maybe I'm a lonely man who is in the middle of something that he doesn't understand...Maybe you're the only woman who can help me understand."
Change man to woman and woman to man and you have found what it is I am hiding from.
And I AM hiding...much against my willingness to admit this, I am very well aware of how much I am hiding.
I am very well aware of how not ok I am, and how weak I am and feel.
But I don't know how to walk away, and I've dug this hole deeper than I ever intended and to fill it back up would make it uneven and dangerous; full of air pockets and weak soil.
I was once told "Would you rather have an end to the pain or pain without end?"
Damn good question, mon ami.
And I don't know the answer.
My entire life, I have had something to be afraid of and then when I didn't have anything to be afraid of anymore, I was a different person, I was truly and whole heartedly..me.
I got used to that feeling, actually liking me and who I was becoming.
I was happy and he made me happier.
And I think that was my down-fall, letting myself get so carried away in the feeling that I forgot the rational part of life and now I am paying for it with the two most dear people I have ever known.
Who can say how it will all turn out?
I don't know which way is up or down.
I don't know how to hold my head up like I used to.
I can't smile anymore without it feeling like it is painted on.
I need a manual, a guidebook, on how to make it look as if nothing in the world is bothering me, on how to make myself believe I am truly ok.
On how to lose the exhausted and defeated look I know is swimming in my eyes.
You wouldn't happen to have one would you?
It was never supposed to be like this.------------------
love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove.
William Shakespeare IP: Logged |
dafremen
Knowflake Posts: 1448
From:
Registered: Nov 2002
|
posted January 30, 2008 01:44 PM
Are things looking up these days I hope? Your thoughts are really refreshing to read...it's like you're spitting out the poison that tears you up inside. Everyone tells me that's good therapy. There are people out here who read and empathize..thanks for helping us with our own issues through your words.Keep it up.  daf IP: Logged |
Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake Posts: 6140
From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
Registered: Aug 2004
|
posted January 30, 2008 01:57 PM
 "Buy the ticket, take the ride."
~ Hunter S. Thompson Its a bumpy ride,
but everybody's gotta do it. "Is everybody in?
Is everybody in?
The ceremony is about to begin."
~ Jim Morrison When Soul opens, you fall in.
It's as simple as that. "Do you know the terror of he who falls asleep?
To the very toes he is terrified,
because the ground gives the way under him,
and the dream begins..."
~ Friedrich Nietzsche “Welcome to prime time, b!tch.” ~ Freddy Krueger "Dawn: When men of reason go to bed." ~ Ambrose Bierce IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
