Posts: 1946
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted October 19, 2005 06:45 PM         

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I push push push you
I pushed until you split in two
and still whatever draws you to me
has you glued and reassembled
and willing to make new ladders
though you are very tall
I spin you around and then I fall
down
you didn't let me and maybe I resent that all the while manufacturing my own doubt
I think how could you love me
when does self preservation stop it from happening
when will you stop my spin by saying goodbye
and why do I want to do this
where did it come from
but then I remember
my dad rejected me
my mom rejected me
I think why shouldn't you
why do you have all this faith and where can I get me some
where can I take the leap that doesn't involve hurtful things
why should it matter, the foundations fouled
and I am an adult and can acknowledge blame
but use it as a catalyst to overcome shame
but in the learning I dropped kerosene all over my legs
and the friction that happens when I walk
sparks flame to lick at me
like a lover I remember and can clearly see
seducing me with dark
and still, you find a flashlight and aim it from your heart
while I pierce it again
with my unabsolved lessons
you see it coming and still don't move
if this is love, I am in the groove
and I hate it
because I know I am wrong
and I don't know what I talk about
I only want to shout out my pain
I don't want you in my way
I don't want you to see my cheeks
as they gather liquid from the leaks
You are made for better things
not to watch me chase tattered wings
that never existed anyhow, no matter how I tattoo them in place
this face is not an angels face
it is hard and parched and shattered and dark
and couldn't fall from grace
you have to see it before you can fall
you have to climb over an ivyed wall
and I am here in the dirt
tired and hurt
and wishing something would just claim me
and wishing someone could name me
because the names I've had don't seem to fit
they are fingers on a glove
they shine through love
but I plunged this hand into sand like an ostrich who knows shame, so has no name
I purge this
I want to forget
I hate this
I don't have faith
I can't move mountains
I can only curl up and cough and deny and no longer laugh
and he will read other things into my dismissal
because the founding water I cut off to a trickle
so once again, it is me
it always is
it never has been anyone else, ever
it is me
and I am selfish
and I am tired
and I can't be anything to anyone
but then I am just depressed again
and unable to find the right words
even in prose
to make it right
so I think right now, everyone should just go away
even just for today
just please go away
I mean nothing. Only what you see
and it will change tomorrow

She did it again
or.... didn't do it.
how am I to know whats important when important things are lost in the air
unacknowledged
why should I care?
If I were really needy, she'd be there to sew me up, fix me up, give me money, shelter me, make me laugh, glorify herself through selfish intrution
but I am only someone who altered her life. I came on in, and changed some things
So I should be proud, that I am not as fuckedup as others who need her
all it takes is a sob story and she'd do anything
only if you mean nothing to her though
if you are her daughter,
she'll forget to tell you
someone died
because apparently, you don't make her radar
and apparently, it isn't important enough to warrent a phone call
and then
I wonder why I don't know what's important.
Is surgery important?
Is a trip to the hospital important?
Is leaving your husband important?
Is feeling like you are worthless important?
Why, yes it is.
apparently.
*sigh*
I can't frigging pretend I can be what anyone needs.
I can't do it anymore.
I can't
I can't
I can't
Let's throw a dinner party for friends.
two weeks after reaching the end
what's important?
Was it important that they shunned me?
While embracing you and ours?
Was it important that you left while I was at work, with my kids?
Would you have kept them if you didn't come back?
Was it something I lack?
Yes.
It is
and I can't pretend I didn't write it myself a zillion times,
in my wondering,
in my honest stupor
I can't pretend that it surprised you
I can't pretend that I despise you
I am both honoured and ashamed that you
love me
the honour is something I told you about
the shame lives between, where I keep the doubt
I wear them both more than I wear this mask
I don't have the tools to complete this task
I know this so when I make those waves, they come from beyond,
like a cycle I am stuck in that never gets better
because I see it in YOUR eyes, not MINE
It doesn't matter that you are the best thing I will ever find
I can't claim it as mine
just because I should
I can't be your something good
there are sidewalks that crack in my neighbourhood.
it is something I understood
but held like a flag of peace
when I saw
your winning one
but again and again
I am back to this
I hate to love
it hurts
to risk

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Posts: 2121
From: piopolis, quebec canada
Registered: Jul 2005

posted October 19, 2005 07:00 PM         

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PixelPixie

I'm crying
it'll get better I promise
if there is anything I can do for you
please ask
sending you all my love and light
tonight
you are star bright
to me
you do glitter
and you do have a heart of Gold
from old
times before

and still today
and tomorrow
forever

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Posts: 484
From: Northeast Ohio
Registered: Sep 2002

posted October 19, 2005 07:15 PM         

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Posts: 2309
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted October 19, 2005 07:50 PM         

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Posts: 1946
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted October 19, 2005 09:40 PM         

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ack, sorry, just sick and depressed and raw and feeling sorry for my perceived inabilities.
I am my worst enemy.
Thanks for listening.

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Posts: 2041
From: New England
Registered: Mar 2003

posted October 19, 2005 10:21 PM         

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Posts: 2455
From:
Registered: Mar 2005

posted October 19, 2005 10:31 PM         

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The poem speaks volumes from your heart.. No elaboration needed...
or my own personal experiences...
Suffice it to say..
I DO UNDERSTAND AND FEEL FOR YOU!

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Posts: 3010
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 20, 2005 12:15 AM         

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Always love

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Posts: 1149
From: poughkeepsie,NY,usa
Registered: Jun 2002

posted October 20, 2005 01:11 AM         

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Posts: 1636
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted October 20, 2005 08:45 AM         

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Pix, you are not your own worst enemy. You are perceptive and you see the truth... all of the pieces that contradict and don't fit together. It's not as easy for some as it is for others to just choose a path when all paths are interconnected and you know in your heart that making one decision doesn't make anything else go away. Some of us are bound by the necessity to make it all make sense and to claim everything and find some way to piece it all together into one truth that satisfies all components.

Not an easy task. If you weren't up to it, you wouldn't be in this place because you would have given up and gone on your merry way a long time ago. Sounds ignorantly blissful, but you know what you'd be missing. Ignorant bliss is beneath you.

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Posts: 484
From: Northeast Ohio
Registered: Sep 2002

posted October 20, 2005 09:03 AM         

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No need to apologize. I just had a weepy day too, though it really doesn't compare.

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Posts: 3811
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 20, 2005 11:16 AM         

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Admire your courage
Admire your wisdom
Admire your
Its very real and I
Can.........feel it

Sending love to you...

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Posts: 2081
From: Oz
Registered: Jan 2004

posted October 20, 2005 12:29 PM         

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------------------
No object is mysterious. The mystery is your eye.
- Elizabeth Bowen

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Posts: 1149
From: poughkeepsie,NY,usa
Registered: Jun 2002

posted October 20, 2005 01:09 PM         

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Oh yeah,,, having the nerve to publickly post something of this depth, and brutal sincerity is very admirable.

Courage, and honesty I can only wish to have.

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Posts: 1946
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted October 20, 2005 01:28 PM         

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Yeah, real brave.
You know what?
Whatever.
I am so sick of judgements and untrue accusations because I am unafraid to actually feel and explore my feelings, knowing the next day, I felt them, but will feel differently.... again and again.
I am not afraid to post them because perhaps someone else is going through something and they need to know they are not a freak... or at least, not alone.
So if my feelings when I am feeling darkness, sadness and despair causes comfort for someone, fabulous!
If it causes discomfort? Oooopsie.. don't read it..
If it causes the desire to judge and save words like some sort of testament to my character?
Then MY character is not in question, it would be the character of the judgemental party, colouring with their own perceptions something they can't possibly understand because they are so alone that they wear sheeps clothes to be trusted, then show their teeth when you show vulnerability.
So I am bold yes, I am brave? Naw.....
I just don't care.

I am exploring. As always. I am raw and emotional. I am here. I am hurting, I am trying to define.
I need a safe place to do this. There is no safe place, but I choose here.
You can't be crucified if it is justified.

My Bottom line is that I won't be bullied, and I will win.
But I will still feel.
I am the real deal.

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Posts: 3811
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 20, 2005 04:07 PM         

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Pixie girl

There is a safe place......I went there......it saved me.....call it what you will.....counselling, healing, etc etc....but its one of the safest places to be when you are raw......and fighting yourself.

You know I love you woman, but people here are only trying to help and some may not be equipped for this....I am worried for you and want to see you happy again.....please be kind to yourself sweetie.....please.....nobody is trying to hurt you......who is judging you...I can only see good intention and kind hearts reaching out.

This isnt meant to hurt, these words, but to help, maybe guide you.....cos you know by now you are special to me, you were as soon as I came here....i could always feel you.

Please mind yourself Pixie....please.....

love to you

Sue xxxxxxxx

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Posts: 2121
From: piopolis, quebec canada
Registered: Jul 2005

posted October 20, 2005 04:18 PM         

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Pixelpixie,

I admire you, and when in deep water become a diver, as you have done, true spirit of heart
determination, and don't Mind, and it won't matter.

I've been going through something similar
but different
evolving isn't easy
it's very hard work indeed

and if you need a place to runaway
I have 6 bedrooms
a house built for the nuns of the Church
a confessional in my living room
4 bathrooms
how far are you from me?

anyway, I think you letting alot out
and it's cleansing
it's darkest before the Dawn
and you're almost there

Love and Light to YOU
you are in my prayers

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Posts: 3010
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 20, 2005 04:44 PM         

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Sue,

I don't she was directing this at Magus or anyone here.

There's an ex of her's who is lurking at LL, and she's frustrated with him.

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Posts: 1946
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted October 20, 2005 09:16 PM         

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*thanks AG~
Yes, exactly.
It was not directed at anyone here, just the one who may be lurking. That was the point.. sorry for the confusion.
But thanks for the faith.*raises eyebrow*

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Posts: 3010
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 20, 2005 09:31 PM         

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Too bad Sue can't do some black magic.

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Posts: 1946
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted October 20, 2005 10:01 PM         

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Just so you don't think I have gone off the deepend, I want you to know that when I work through these things, it is therapy, but these cycles keep repeating, and I have given a lot of thought, lately, about talking through it in counselling.
Not my husband and I, just me, as it is me who has the issues.

And last week, I had a lot of vulnerability, regarding the situation I created, and was party to... in which my ex showed his true hatred of me, and also divulged that he was watching my posts here.
*Can you say Psycho?*
Last week, I felt vulnerable and angry, this week, I feel empowered and angry...
So when I had intense emotions that I would normally purge in the form of rose and words here, I had to rethink my usual posting here...
and then I got even more angry.. I thought.. Why should I let a freak with an agenda force me to give up my mechanisms for healing?
Like it or not, it is, in a way, found here.. I purge, and it is met with either understanding or questions, which I am happy to share in.
So I wrote it, then proceeded to think of how violating it is to be misunderstood (and also how it is usually the case with him, as he is too selfish to see anyone elses' point of view)
So I ended up turning this thread into a voice for it. I channelled the vulnerability into anger and let it out.
It wasn't for Magus.
I certainly appreciate the idea that you'd defend your friends.. reminds me of me as well, as you know...
but I'd hope you would give me more cred than that.
Guess I didn't make myself clear.
I hope I did now.

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Posts: 1946
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted October 20, 2005 10:04 PM         

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AG~ I really appreciate your support all through this.
You are truly a sage for me here.
I appreciate and vibe to your words more than you know.
Thanks.

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Posts: 3811
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 21, 2005 03:54 AM         

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No sorry Pix you didnt make yerself clear enough to me....I didnt realise all that sh!t was going on with an ex.....that is mighty freaky....you mean he is watching you here..,,,,,!!!!

It just seemed that after Magus mentioned courage and then you went off on one about being "brave" that it was aimed at him.....thats all....I dont think that was unreasonable of me....

So sorry for the crap you are going thro....and you know I have told you lots of times....you are one of the few people I really FEEL....always did...and just wanted to help, thats all.

Look after yerself girl....sending love.....

Sue xxx

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Posts: 3811
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 21, 2005 04:16 AM         

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AG

Black Magick.....I dont need that....all I need to do is STARE at the person and they shrivel haha !!!!! But seeing as yer man is lurking in the shadows....I would be tempted......but I cant man cos I came back this time to do the light stuff....great idea tho.....LOL......

Maybe we can all imagine him .......G O N E .............

love

Sue xxx

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Posts: 3010
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 21, 2005 11:59 AM         

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Indeed we can.

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