posted November 20, 2005 11:25 AM           

I've been pretty unhappy and really disoriented by transiting Neptune, which is finally easing off a square to my Sun, but closing in again on my Venus, Midheaven and Uranus. I dont feel real, I dont know who I am, or where I fit. I gave up several bad habits after meeting Maya. I was really hopeful and optimistic about reinventing myself and changing my life. It was amazing how quickly I was able to get on track, with her support and encouragment. So plain was her devotion, that it took me totally by surprise when she cut off contact with me almost 2 months ago.

For the most part, I dont know how to feel. I'm a bit indignant with her for turning me out of her life so utterly, and with so little warning, but I'm trying to be understanding of how she must have been feeling. There was so much ambiguity in the relationship, so much I wasnt sure about (I haven't been myself in over a year thanks to Neptune) and I needed more time with her, but she got to me. I can't pretend that she didnt get to me.

I've never known anyone to be so tender, so gentle and sweet, and it seemed to me she had more romantic imagination in her pinky toe than most people have in their heart of hearts. She brought a very real spirit of magic into my life that wasnt there before, and isnt there now. She has this friendly, sunny vibrancy to her, and she's so cute and charming, you cant help but be taken in, and practically slayed by her every other moment you're with her. Just when you think she might be manic, she slows down to acknowledge your mortal misgivings, speaks to you in the most grounded, matter of fact, tone of voice, and assures you that, whatever it is, she has already considered it, and here's how it breaks down, so, you see, there's simply no reason to worry.

She's extremely sensible and intuitive. Part of the inadequacy I feel, is the suspicion that she left because I wasnt intuitive and evolved enough to grasp in time what was, to her, the plain truth of who we are and how we fit together. Maybe she was my soul mate, and I wasnt up to the challenge of knowing her. Or maybe she tried to rush me. Maybe we didnt really fit at all.

Now I may never know. And thats also disorienting; not knowing how to view the relationship. Was it the best or worst thing that almost happened to me? Is there something I could have or should have done or said? Do I know myself well enough to know who's right for me? Its just surreal, not knowing about her, and always wondering what might have been. And missing her.

Sorry, I didnt mean to make a friggin' speech.
It was just nice of you to ask.
Thanks.