Posts: 1384
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted March 18, 2006 09:50 AM         

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03/17/06

I know exactly why I'm in pain,
Why have I been lying to my and everyone?

I have to tell it like it truly is,
Not only the socially acceptable side

OK, we can be quite frank,
everywhere I go, couples are getting engaged
sparkling diamond rings of promise,
of shiny squeaky dreams

And I think, will that ever be me...
I feel like such a hopeless case

I want to live somewhere I am happy
A space of earth where I have potential for joy
A world I share with my love of life

Then, among the ashes of my pain,
lies the scarred moment of recollect
the night Brian and I intensely made-out
I shared so much of my body and passion
And when I cried in fear,
of how much I gave and losing him,
he just got up and walked away

I was so damn vulnerable and he left me crying
That carved a new tattoo of loss I can't forget

I want to run away
from the fresh indent of my flesh

I want to scream,
how can you not care?
I want to use the same blood-tinged scalpel
cut him out of my life

Never seen such a moment before.
Untried I am in the ways of men

When will it be me in that stable relationship?
Can I handle the reality of marriage,
and will I have the chance to decide?

There have been no role models for me to follow,
learn how a healthy marriage bears the test of time

No one can give me what I deny myself,
Unconditional acceptance and love
Am I forever damaged,
Unlikely to know when love lasts and is real?

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-K
"...poetry is the subtle alchemy of a sensitive soul

like hell it is

poetry is what squeezes out of you
when you've been squashed by Life, like a bug" ~Gooberz

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Posts: 1384
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted March 27, 2006 05:24 PM         

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::bump::

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Posts: 3347
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted March 27, 2006 07:19 PM         

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*sigh*
I dunno......
This is love and its a first for you, to involve yourself physically as well as romantically....
So it is big.. whether it will be part of your journey, in rememberance and fondness or if it will be forever.... who knows.
I don't think you think you're ready for rings and such, what you want is the stability of feeling that this traditionally implies.
To be loved and loved, solidly, enough to pledge.
It comes, who cares what others are doing. They may be making mistakes faster than others.. or they may be making wonderful experiences...
Time is the only thing with perspective....
Love to you.

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Posts: 1384
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted March 30, 2006 11:26 AM         

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Thank you, pix, for your wise words...I am most hurt in the "not knowing"...whether it will be a memory or a committment...Yes, that's true, I don't have any idea of what marriage really is, but I am at the point where I would feel comfortable starting down that road, a stable relationship that has the possibility of longterm-ness. I don't want to sleep with anyone til I am married, cause I don't share well, I love deeply, it takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to let them be that much a part of me, and I would like to have kids without worrying about all that dumb birthcontrol stuff every time. I want my kids to be born inside a healthy loving marriage relationship, the way I was not. I am not able to get close to anyone I can not imagining marrying an that has been my mindset for as long as I can remember. Maybe that's what I am looking for right now..maybe it isn't but when the Universe seems to whisper that what I seek is within my grasp, I wonder if it's a reality or a teasing taunt.

------------------
-K
"...poetry is the subtle alchemy of a sensitive soul

like hell it is

poetry is what squeezes out of you
when you've been squashed by Life, like a bug" ~Gooberz

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