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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 1066
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted June 27, 2006 11:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm on the brink of giving in
living in
swimming in
this impulse to TEAR HIS F


TO STOP HIM
TO THWART HIS

(my evil)


Oh GOD Won't you HELP ME PLEASE!
Can't you hear me on my knees and begging
for your grace
a disgraced and lonely seeker
who isn't sure
if I am shouting in the right direction

WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?!? PERFECTION?

haven't I paid enough

why isn't he paying yet

and why do You allow this noose
around my neck

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!
I have to protect
the small piece of beauty
they haven't blackened yet
Are you with me?
Did I ask just right?
Do I surrender?
Or cAN I GET UP AND FIGHT!!!!!!
FORCE THINGS TO CONFORM
OBEY MY WILL
RIGHTEOUSLY swing... your... fiery... sWord

I'm begging you to hear me
Go ... Ligh ... Univer ... Lor ..

I can't See you anymore

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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 1066
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted June 30, 2006 02:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was debating on whether to let this get buried or to explain it... but things don't seem to get buried too fast on this topic.
Long story short... the man I married and had a daughter with is a violent man, he has court supervised visitation that he attends sporadically. I feel like I am forced by law to continue to allow him to poison me and my daughter. He said something that upset my daughter and I didn't find out until that night (Tue) when I tucked her in.
I sat here at the computer, trying to do my homework, and I started crying and the crying turned into load braying sobs and practically moans as the pain I had been repressing burst out of me. I cried like that for a long time, thinking of how powerless I feel all the time to be at the mercy of the court/law system, and how angry I was that he is allowed to satisfy himself at my daughter's expense, and how hurt I feel that I can't protect her from that.
I live in fear that one day he will do what he needs to do to impress the court, and they will turn her over to him and she will die a horrible death.
The pain and anger was unbearable and I began to search this site for inspiration and peace. I read about karma and accepting things and forgiving things. I read about letting go of fear. I read some poetry here and my mind began to compose.
I thought about writing it in a Word doc. to see if it was "good enough" to post, but I was too exausted and miserable to bother. Looking back on it, I see my common struggle with anger and "letting go" when things are "really important" to me.
At the time my emotion was so powerful and so negative and so painful and I felt so weak. As soon as I wrote it all down and wrote the final line, I could feel the peace again. I still don't have a solution to my problem... but I have faith again that there is one coming.

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Devilfish
unregistered
posted June 30, 2006 09:47 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i understand
sending comfort and strength your way.
have you researched ways to protect yourselves legally?
DO NOT GIVE UP/IN!....google, google ,google.
wish i could offer you more than this

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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 1066
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted June 30, 2006 02:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you so much DevilFish, your words are like a cool cloth to the forehead. I hope you are blessed for your gentle kindness.

I googled a lot in the beginning... it's been 3 years now. My lawyer tells me that I have the best possible scenario so far according to law. I think the law is wrong and that this is not really "in the best interest of the child," (psych major here) but she says she cannot make a case unless they actually turn her over to him and then he physically harms her and he is caught. This eats at my soul.
I cannot let that happen. It gets so surreal at times that I begin to feel like a character in a movie, battling for my soul against the one who was sent to corrupt me. (Torture me all you want, I'll never give up, but when you try to torture my baby... *eyes begin to glow red*)

That is honestly giving this idiot too much power, but I get a little nutso in my stress.

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writesomething
Newflake

Posts: 0
From:
Registered: Mar 2011

posted June 30, 2006 02:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for writesomething     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
.

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Devilfish
unregistered
posted July 03, 2006 12:01 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
TY ,im glad you found some comfort in my words, just knowing that IS a blessing!
im sorry i didnt respond sooner,ive been really sick.
keep a journal of all events related to him.
write down what he says and the date it was said on.
is there anyway you could catch him in the act of threatening , like on a hidden camera?
just some thoughts , i hope you are doing well

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