posted May 03, 2007 05:40 PM         

“You should start singing again and get some gigs.”
“You should write a book on parenting.”
“You should be an activist for those ideals you believe in.”

The 1st - I used as an escape from the reality of what life used to be. It is not my current reality so I cannot find a place for it in my reality that is now. Somehow it never seems to work out.

The 2nd – What the hell would I say? What could I contribute that hasn't already been said? In addition to that, there times I feel a fraud or fake because I talk up the attachment parenting and then there are times where I feel so miserable in my position and I want to run away as fast and as far as I can go. Then I remember that I have no where else to go. Even if I did, I would be miserable not here. So I stay.

In the 3rd – Where would I be activating and what would it be? The other people in this zip code don't seem to give 2 ***** about anything other than paying bills, buying consumables, and what's on the “fix box.” Escapism runs rampant here. Who am I to point fingers though? Sometimes I would like to escape too.

I feel so isolated. Why can't I be happy? There really isn't much wrong with my life other than if we had a bit more income so that we could be completely self-sustaining on our own.

I have three intelligent, healthy, and inspite of my mistakes, remarkedly well adjusted and happy children. A fabulous husband who does anything for me, loves me. I am in the prime of my life, attractive, healthy, and intelligent.

Why do I feel like something is missing?
What is this dissatisfaction about?
Where is the sliver in my finger so I can pull it out?

Who the hell would want to listen to what I have to say anyhow?

One of the aspects in my natal chart, says if left in the static mode of opperation the result would be frusterated mediocracy.

That describes it just right.
How do I break through this barrier?
Where is the fill dirt for this hole?

It's inside me, I can feel it.

If I don't find it, it matters not where I go, or what I do, I'll not find peace. That's my gut feeling. I'll end up an old, bitter woman alone, wondering where it all went so wrong and “What if I'd have” herself into a shrivled husk of a being.

Part of me knows without a doubt that if ever we move out of this house and away from this town which has held so many hurts, so much pain in our lives, It would finally heal itself.
Then there is that little tiny voice that says “What if that's not it?”

I need to do something, accomplish something.
“What is it?” you ask.

If I knew, I'd tell you.

I know I am doing important work. I am accomplishing the most important work in the world. I am caring for three human beings. It just seems so long till they are going to be done as far as my influence and molding is concerned. Then there are times that I wonder why has it gone so fast?

Once you get the sliver out – the pain subsides.

Calm inside now. I can go on.

It has been the absense of sounds that has soothed my soul.

posted May 03, 2007 06:22 PM         

The Sounds of Silence

Simon and Garfunkle

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

continued below...

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And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence