posted January 23, 2008 12:09 AM         

how a simple question
can be so daunting.

posted January 23, 2008 12:11 AM         

(are you asleep yet?)

and then I have hi-lights like watching Scrubs re-runs on nighttime television (have no cable) and hearing the song for the show actually makes me smile and bounce a little...

and so much in my life is a challenge...

and yet, I am happy in general. Just mostly satisfied with everything unless some crazy moon or aspect is making me a little nuts. But it always passes and everything is ok.

So, I'm going to watch the rest of Scrubs.

posted January 23, 2008 12:20 AM         

Happiness is "relative" (coming from a Fish girl....)

What is happy to one is sad to another...

I am always happy and sad, each and every moment that I take breath into me...

Blessings

posted January 23, 2008 12:58 AM         

I don't even know what that means, I guess. I understand neutral, and you would think I could understand the concept of opposite poles at the same time, but maybe they aren't so opposite. I guess every happiness holds within it the chance of unhappiness. But some happinesses are so wonderful (like a child), that even the possibility of unhappiness pales in comparison.

I have experienced great pain, but I don't even think it is necessarily balanced with the amount of happiness I have felt. I think the happiness generally out-weighs it. Maybe if I took my entire life into account... I was extremely depressed and suicidal in my late teens and early twenties. I really think and feel that my spiritual understanding has given me greater peace and a better appreciation of small happinesses.

posted January 23, 2008 01:30 AM         

I probably can't speak well under
this full Leo Moon. (conjunct my natal)
I keep back-spacing.
I'm not sure what I'm afraid of.
To bare my soul? To be held to a moment?

It's all so varying, I don't know how to begin to answer. Often simultaneous and steady, like hippichick wrote of. There's always a quietly observing cherish and awe
in all around me. Nothing slips me by.

Yet if I were to reflect with deep self-honesty, sadness is always more ultimately consuming when it is felt.
Joy looks over its shoulder
like an abused child.

I have no fear
diving head-long
into the most exorcizing dark depths.
Joy is more ominous to me.
And I most afraid to declare it.

working on why.

posted January 23, 2008 02:21 AM         

That's so poetic. Deeply beautiful.

Is deep always dark? But dark isn't bad. Is sad bad? I guess if happy is preferred. Does everyone prefer happy? Well, by definition, happy is the preferred state, even if what makes someone happy would make someone else sad. Is it just about taking pleasure in the little things? I don't know. I might be happy just because I have the love of my daughter. Which I often take for granted because my mind or body is tired. That is a poignant thought. One that often turns me around and reminds me to appreciate what I have. Beautiful gift.
I used to look at her and wonder how I could ever feel angry towards her. Later, when she was a toddler I knew quite well how I could feel angry at her, but blamed it on myself and my limitations, and still thought I would always be so in love with her. I see the change as she grows and I regret all the television she has been exposed to, but then she goes to pre-school and I regret the children and teachers she is exposed to... hehe... and I come full circle to an understanding that I can't keep her pure. So, now it is up to me to love more and accept more and have more patience. And again and again I beg for these things. This grace, this mercy. And sometimes I believe I receive it, and other times I think what will be will be.
And it is sad if I worry about it.
Will she hate me when she is a teenager.
Well, it won't matter if I keep loving her the best I can. Nature has to make sure she doesn't marry mommy like she planned a couple years ago, and at the moment she still plans to live right down the street. (I planted that one in her head when she said she will still live with me when she is an adult, although I probably wouldn't mind, but I want her to consider all options. )

So, maybe I'm just surrounded by such a high concentration of pure love most of the time that I feel moderately happy overall. School is good too. I like an intellectual challenge. (Even though I alternately resent the work/challenge of it.)

I don't know. I think of my past and I think I had more highs and lows with partners. But I also don't think I could ever think that anything was so seriously devastating anymore, as I did then. I just look at things so differently now. But then you always think that, right? And then the Universe brings you "something completely different".

It's all so exciting sometimes to see what could possibly be next.
What if it really does get better overall?

posted January 23, 2008 08:50 AM         

Lia's Sun is conjunct Neptune, Mel.
Mercury in Scorpio.

posted January 23, 2008 09:26 AM         

What I mean, is it is a constant shift, flux and flow, ebbs and tides in the sea of life.

One can truely, to be sure, experience the dark night of the soul and re-main there, I have been there, I have had my share of crawling out of the putrid, dark abyss, more than once, but generally speaking, most folks live in some strange suspension between the poles...

I embrace the sadness when it comes, throw myself into it and experience the pain, and I will agree that the experience of pain is far more devestating than the experience of percieved "happiness."

But you could not know pain, without knowing happiness.

I have to warn you, kids only become worse as they get older. My two teenage girls about drive me insane on a daily basis. 19 and almost 16, they are my best friends and my worst enemies. They bring me such peace and bliss and send me into the depths of hell...daily...

posted January 23, 2008 05:17 PM         

------------------
~
What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world is immortal"~

posted January 23, 2008 10:44 PM         

For those of you who said yes, what do you think/feel/know helps with the happiness? Will you give a few examples... I am assuming a spiritual peace is top, but are there other things/ideas/feelings/experiences other aspects of life/existence?

For those who said no, do you think/feel there is anything that will bring a general feeling of happiness in the day to day or are you resigned to trying to keep it neutral to avoid the highs and lows or do you feel trapped in the lows/pain or do you consider pain not a low since pain is growth and life...? Or something else?

posted January 23, 2008 11:04 PM         

I seriously think the reason I like to zone out on late night re-runs is because there are nights when I just can't take any more thoughts about keeping everything safe and held together for her. It is exactly like a drug fix. Without the illegal thing and $ thing. I know I can meditate and that will refresh me completely and ease my mind and yet I also seek the aspect of vicariously living life (by going to a singing audition with American Idol for example) without putting forth any further effort.

posted January 23, 2008 11:27 PM         

I just got some oil paint/crayon type things. I've never taken an art class, but I've done some sketches and I plan to add color to the future art. I could probably look up some techniques online someday when I have time. I learned an extra chord the other night but I haven't practiced it enough. I'm also a pro tuner now.

I read the thread again and when I got the part where I said I was praying for patience and grace I stopped to pray with all of my heart. I looked up at a picture frame I have, that other families might have with lots of little spaces for different sized pictures of different people in the family etc... I filled mine with all pictures of me and my daughter together. I looked at it and a quote from a movie came to mind and I thought, yep, exactly. I'll have to write that one on the movie quote thread.

Then I thought...
wait a minute.
I just prayed.

So here is what I heard in my mind when I looked up at the frame of pictures:

"This is my family.

I found it all on my own.

It's little and broken...

but still good.

Yeah. Still good."