posted January 29, 2008 07:49 PM         

So this is Christmas Day huh? I’m not impressed. Seems like all the other bleak & miserable days I’ve spent on this planet. Another day waiting for some word form a potential employer, another day wondering how I’m going to get by. Well, at least someone called to wish me a merry Xmas. That was nice at least. All in all I guess it’s not too bad. I’m not sick with the flu, I’m not dying from some horrible disease, I still have all my limbs & appendages. I guess I’m just lonely. I haven’t really eaten today. I mean I had some of the left over Chinese fast food from yesterday & I’ve been munching on my favorite food in the whole world, Cheez-Its (yum). Been drinking tea too. Certainly nothing special. No holiday feast by any means. I could probably go for a nice fat festive meal, but since this is all I’ve got, it’ll have to do.

I don’t really have anything to say. Nothing new has happened. Maybe I’ll just go back to bed for a while. I’ve been sleeping A LOT. Been having bizarre dreams too. Yesterday I woke up after a little a nap, I had been having a pretty cool dream. It played out like the opening of a movie. It was a young girl, maybe about 17 or 18. She was climbing a mountain of ash & snow alone. Beyond the mountain there was a large menacing dilapidated castle. She was wearing these long tattered robes, underneath that was a belt with some pouches & hooks. Scattered all around her & slightly buried were all of these weapons. Broken swords, knives, bladed weapons, broken hand guns & shotgun, rifles. She was picking up whatever sharp useful things she could find. She would stop of examine any possibly useful gun. Making sure it was whole & unjammed. She was on her way to fight something. Some kind of great evil. That’s all I really remember. It was kinda cool none the less.

posted January 29, 2008 07:49 PM         

Definitely starting to look a little grim. I checked my bank account today. I have a nice balance of $144.00. After that, that’s it, that’s all she wrote. No more money coming in. I guess I’ll put up my toy collection on eBay tonight. That might nab me about $1000 I think, if I’m lucky, which I haven’t been lately. I’m out of cigarettes… I think I have about $5 in my pocket. I hope so. I’ve never tried quitting smoking before. I can’t imagine that’ll be a pleasant experience. One of the roomies left the front door wide open today. >rolls his eyes< Like any of us have cash to warm up the outside with our pathetic little gas wall furnace. It barely heats up the hallway it’s in.

posted January 29, 2008 07:49 PM         

Oh the severe boredom of it all. I’m trying to figure out why I even bothered getting out of bed today. I need to do something. I want to go somewhere. That’s not going to happen though, I’m broke. I was hunting the job listings online again. I sent my resume out to a few of them. I posted it somewhere else as well.

I still haven’t seen Chanel around. I did call her today & left a voice mail. Hmmmmm… starting to wonder about her. She’s probably not interested. She’s just being nice to me or something. I can never quite tell. Maybe I’ll just go back to bed.

posted January 29, 2008 07:50 PM         

So much for Chanel. I have failed yet again. I am once again the cause of my own misery. I would be lying if I were to say I was not hurt but this experience, but with each hurt I gain a little something. What that “something” is I do not yet know. How many times in a row does this have to happen? I can remember a time in my life where I did all the dumping. lol… Maybe it’s pay back. What has changed in me? What have I become? Reminds me of one of my favorite songs.

I smashed myself to pieces
I am gonna **** myself up
I'm sifting through the ashes
Oh what I have become
I gave myself away now I'm nothing
I let it slip away now I'm nothing
All that I can do is break myself in two
I ****** it all away now I'm nothing
Wave wave wave wave goodbye
Wave wave wave wave goodbye

posted January 29, 2008 07:50 PM         

I think it’s time to post another boring journal. Let’s see… what has happened since the last time. Umm… oh yeah, NOTHING. I’ve been spending a lot of time chatting on www.spookyhotties.com (kinda like a gothic Hot or Not). I’ve have a picture posted up there & unbelievably I actually made the Top 10 Spooky Boys list. Maybe I’m not so hideous after all, but I guess it depends on what ya like. I’ve met loads of really cool people. A lot of really cute girls too, to bad they’re scattered all over the country & in the UK. Oh well, doesn’t matter anyway. I need to get my ass in gear & start selling **** . I need cash & I need to lighten the load considerably if I wanna move out of this **** hole. The job hunt is still unsuccessful. I did my telephone interview with the EDD, now they need to talk to my former employer & get their story on the deal. If I’m lucky, which hasn’t been the case lately, I’ll get my unemployment benefits. It’s not going to completely save my ass, but it’ll sure help. My cash situation is getting really scary. I haven’t paid any bills for December & of course rent is due.

posted January 29, 2008 07:50 PM         

Okay… so maybe this time I actually have something slightly interesting to say. I’ve met a nice woman in TX that’s going to help me. I think I may actually be moving out there. She says she has a job lined up for me. Nothing too special, a retail management position in a small business that she’s part owner of. A video game & toy store from her description. I can do that **** with my eyes closed. More than anything though, I just want to be someplace else. I’ve lived in CA all of my life & desperately want a change. There’s nothing keeping me here anymore. I don’t feel that I am growing as a person. I feel stagnant & stale. Too much of the same **** all the ******* time. I never thought I’d ever end up in TX… that’s gonna be a little strange. I know the heat is gonna ******* kill me. I wilt when it gets over 80°, guess I’ll spend most of my time hanging next to the AC unit (nothing new there). Of course I’ll miss my local friends, but I guess there’s always the phone & internet. I certainly don’t hang with too many people in person anymore. It’s all about the lack of wheels thing. I’m stranded. I better get my license back for I head to TX, I would imagine that getting around in the biggest State in the US to be troublesome on public transit to say the least.

I finally took a look at my over due bills for last month. Eeeeegh… **** me in the goat ass. The ******* telephone bill is over $400. How the **** did that happen? I never use the god damn thing. It seems there several calls to the UK back in late Oct & early Nov. It wasn’t me, now I have to deal with disputing it with the phone company. I tried to deal with it on Friday, but I was on hold for so long & I was already tired I just said “**** it”. So I tried calling again on Saturday, same old **** on hold for hours, finally got through… they tell me to call back during “normal” business hours on Monday. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I did however strip the phone of all the service I never use. The only reason I even have a land line anymore is for the DSL. Speaking of DSL, if I don’t pay the bill by Tuesday ..>click<.. gets turned off. Gotta take care of that pretty ******* fast. The roomies have their rent & bill money on time, but strangely I don’t. Hmmmmm, must be the fact I can’t find a job. I did however finally put my toy collection up on eBay.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3168112554 (buy me buy me)

posted January 29, 2008 07:51 PM         

It seems this Dallas, TX thing is moving full steam ahead. They are flying me out there for the interview & stuff starting on the 11th, then I come back on the 14th. They said they need me to start out there on the 24th. Which doesn’t leave me much time. I have so many bills here that I need to take care of. I don’t want to leave my roomies hanging. I still have that dilapidated ’84 Chrysler Laser sitting in the driveway, it was my mom’s car, but it hasn’t been moved in years. I guess I can try to donate it or something. Hopefully my eBay auction will nab me some fat cash. I think I’ll put up a few more things on eBay today. I still have a few toys here that I can sell off & some more miscellaneous video game memorabilia. I can take the pictures with out too much hassle, it’s just writing the description that’s a pain in my ass.

I think I finally got my sleeping pattern back to something resembling normalcy. I woke up at 7am to day. I need to make some phone calls regarding the bills & go out & do laundry at some point today. I need to call an old friend of my mom’s & ask them to take my ferret, Cuervo. I’m really sad about that. He’s my little friend & has been for so long. I worry about him. He’s so very old for a ferret, about 9 or 10 years. Poor little guy. He’s lost most of his fur. My stinky little bald guy. He is such a sweet ferret though, always gives kisses, never ever bites. It’s probably better for him though. I want him to be taken care of & since I don’t know what’s in store for me yet I don’t want any doubt that he’ll be okay.

posted January 29, 2008 07:51 PM         

Once again… just when I thought things were looking up *SMACK* psych… I have not heard from the future employer, I have not received a plane ticket to fly to Texas to interview for that job (I was supposed to leave tomorrow), I have completely run out of money, I am out of cigarettes, I am completely out of food, my eBay auctions have not been bid on & I think my ferret is dying.

posted January 29, 2008 07:52 PM         

Sadly enough Gene (this was his real name) has passed away. He passed on May 11th, 2004. He took his life by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge at aprox 1pm. This is not a joke, believe me I am/was a friend of his and have confirmed this with the County Morgue. In loving Memory of Gene...you will be missed.

- anonymous

posted January 29, 2008 08:55 PM         

This is synastry.

I saw the documentary they made about
all the Golden Gate Bridge suicides,
where Gene was one of the people they profiled.
Were you one of the people they talked to?
If so, I have seen you.

But, listen to this...

I totally loved Gene when i saw that.
I F*ucking loved and understood him.
I even looked up his natal chart,
cause they gave his birthday.
I remember that he was a Sagittarius.
I could relate to him so much.
Was this your friend?

I cried, and my heart was with him,
as he contemplated the act,
as he climbed to a ritual posture,
and fell backwards, trustingly, into the divine abyss.
I understood his fire.
I understood his despair.
Well, to some extent, in part,
and in some way, I understood it deeply.
And the dramatic flourish with which he "ended" it,
feeling so alone, thinking nobody was looking,
that nobody cared, -
but all the while he was being filmed,
and now so many people see and care for him.
It was romantic.
It was anything but romantic.
It was a symbol of mysteries.

I'm so sorry for your loss, my friend.

posted February 01, 2008 12:47 AM         

------------------
The truth is ... everything counts. Everything. Everything we do and everything we say. Everything helps or hurts; everything adds to or takes away from someone else. ~ Countee Cullen

posted February 03, 2008 08:25 PM         

The Bridge

Definitely worth the 95 minutes.