posted November 15, 2008 02:20 AM         

I love you! So brilliant I could taste it.

I knew I was drawn here for a reason!

posted November 18, 2008 10:03 AM         

I felt like this the other day... ohhh yes. God and I were fighting. I would have totally pummeled a cloud and then lay spent and accepting. Actually, that's mostly what I did...

posted November 24, 2008 12:33 AM         

"choke the rain out"

"big clumsy buckets
that run the yard to mud"

I thought those lines were original, clear, and well articulated.

I also love the fire/spirit I see when you trace "revelry is godliness" on the dusty mirror.
More than anything, it is that spirit that animates the true poet, and you have it in spades.

Now I'm going to be a little more serious and critical, if you dont mind.
I respect your talent and intelligence enough to give you this honest appraisal.
And, besides, the half-dozen reviews here are so glowing, my Aqua is anxious to balance it out...

Some of the other lines and word choices seemed a little out of place,
but I know the appeal of using obscure words and word choices in poetry.
Certain romantic-sounding words just beg to be used in a poem
(sometimes its hard to find a poem without them in it, lol),
and sometimes we want to say them all at once,
even when it clogs up the flow and only impresses the illiterate.
I do it myself sometimes, and flirt dangerously close to pretentiousness.

For instance:
Transigent souls congress
in all directions; directionless;-
inconsistent, prodigious, foregone;
suffering, questing, ageless, moribund;
blameless, restituting souls.

A writer needs sharp instincts to know which words to use,
when suggesting a less linear, more indirect association.
Because I have doubted my instincts with that somewhat,
I've lately been experimenting with simplicity a lot.
Bukowski is a great poet for teaching honesty and simplicity.
Reading him, I sometimes feel like my work is so pretentious.
He makes me want to use the simplest terms in the clearest ways,
and to use the clever word-choice sparingly, so that it sort of "pops" out at you.
If the sky were flooded with stars, where would be the beauty of the night?

Hope that wasnt too harsh.
I'm mostly talking to myself here, anyway.

I think its wonderful that you are writing and experimenting,
and so much of this already reflects a much higher than average talent.
I cannot wait to see what you come up with when you are warmed up.

Also, when i first read it i thought you said, "ease its clever shape to fit the contours of my head",
which i really liked.. the idea of wearing a cloud as a hat.. sort of adjusting it with your hands as women do with their hair.
I thought it was a fantastic image to end the poem on. You should totally change it.

posted November 24, 2008 07:09 PM         

I think as a writer you understand the feeling of a piece not ending up where you had hoped it would land. This was my first draft and I'll keep your ideas in mind if I decide to revisit and revise.