posted May 15, 2012 10:39 AM            

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1st chapter

Sean Davids - I`m sure you know him, even though you may not remember his name. It`s one of those faces you see, like and then it slips from your memory again.
It was the same with me, before I r e a l l y noticed him. But afterwards it seemed to me that he had always been there, starring in so many movies I can`t even remember now. But it wasn`t a particular film that made me notice him at last. It was an interview he gave. Stumbling upon it by chance I couldn`t help but smile about his irony, his intelligence, his wit. He seemed to stand outside it all and I adored him.
That was a day before I forgot him again. But something must have gotten stuck in my mind, for I took any chance to lay my hands on a bunch of his films.

And what shall I say? The moment Sean Davids turned to talk to the camera, I was hooked. I was captivated by the ironical twinkle in his eyes, by the way he gestured vividly with his hands, the way his eyes spoke more than his words could ever do. Something in his style struck a chord inside my soul, something in his slightly detached attitude spoke to me in a way I had never experienced before. He was like a tall shadow moving unnoticed among those buzzing, busy people; rather a watcher than a participant himself.
Though divided by oceans of time and space I felt a strange familiarity, for I myself have always felt, as if I was standing outside a bit. Even in the middle of a crowd I was alone, feeling the distance. Of course I had a family, friends and I loved them dearly. But there was a place deep inside my soul, that remained empty; a dark hole, that swallowed every light; something inside me that was starving, craving for something I couldn`t even name. The gnawing hunger in my entrails only fell silent, when I sat in the darkness of a cinema, getting sucked in by the events on screen. The images merged with my mind, fulfilled my soul and for once I was satisfied. Naturally it didn`t last long. When the film was over and the lights went on, the hunger assaulted me again, more tormenting than ever. And so I spent more and more time sitting in dark cinemas inhaling the magic on celluloid. But the more I saw, the more I needed. I was like an addict craving for a higher dose of her drug. More films, more darkness, more depth, more passion. Reality was superficial, feelings were pragmatic, shortlived, lukewarm. Sure, there was understanding, sympathy, warmth, sometimes even love. But there was no depth, no intensity, no passion. Other people seemed to be contented with that, they had friendships and relationships, feeling safe and satisfied, and when they came to an end, they cried a little and moved on.
Living like that was never enough for me; emotions never reached deep enough to fill this empty place inside my soul. And so I came to the cinema night after night, longing for the illusion of depth.

********************************************

When I made that trip to London, I hadn`t seen a thoughtprovoking, soulconsuming film for weeks. And so it happened that I was roaming the streets to find a cinema. Of course you can find many cinemas in London; huge glassy movie-palaces, the neon lights glaring coldly through the night. But that wasn`t what I needed; I wanted something more intense, private, almost intimate. And so I kept on roaming and wandering restlessly through the night, until I detected a high stony bow, that closed the gap between "Burger King" and "Tower Records", leading into a narrow alley. Even though I strained my eyes, I couldn`t see anything but thick darkness.
It was one of those alley, your mother has always told you to stay away from; maybe that was the reason why I felt drawn to it and so I turned from the noisy streets and stepped into the blackness.

All noises died down and a slight breeze stroke my face, carrying silent whispers with it. When I walked deeper into the alley, my eyes got used to the darkness. Old half decayed houses stood at both sides of the street reaching high up into the heaven without ever having the chance of touching it. Windows gaped at me like blind eyes in an old furrowed face. It seemed that the place had been abandoned a long time ago. But just when I decided to turn back, I saw the house; old and dusty like the other ones, but spreading a dark glow it caught my attention. When I stepped closer, I saw that the glow came from a window. Three candles were lightening a cushion of darkred velvet. Spread on it was a poster and two familiar eyes stared up at me, glittering almost vividly in the flicker of the candles. My eyes wandered across his face up to the title. SEAN DAVIDS in CHILDREN OF THE MOON.
Hidden in that scruffy street actually was a movie theatre.

My stomach fluttered a bit, when I reached out for the door, praying it wouldn`t stay shut excluding me from the bliss I was hoping to find inside. But it seemed I was lucky that night, for the door opened with a piercing squeal and I entered a softly lit hall. The greyhaired man behind the counter scrutinized me suspiciously telling me the film had already started, before adding grumpily I should rather visit a bigger cinema in London. I was slightly taken aback; but when I told him that I had never met a cinema owner who didn`t want to make money, he just snorted and handed me a yellow piece of paper, obviously my ticket. I didn`t hesitate and entered the dark room. As I had expected there were only a few people staring at the screen.

I let myself fall onto a seat, my eyes wandering towards the screen.
- Oh, a love scene - at the beginning of the film? Well, then we won`t see a happy end I suppose.

Sean Davids is standing behind a small woman, whose hair falls in red cascades down her shoulders. They look to a spot just out of sight for the camera, but suddenly John`s eyes bore into the camera shooting a bolt of electricity through my veins. I sink deeper into my seat, almost tempted to avoid his eyes; these eyes, that can`t see me, and yet it feels as if their intense glow burns under my skin. The darkness thickens, closes in on me, drawing me into these eyes, and my surroundings sink into oblivion. There`s nothing but the magical connection between the screen and me. The magic I`ve been needing to feel for so long. In a corner of my mind I feel, that it could be too much this time; a warning voice whispers to me, tells me to leave, before it`s too late. But I`ve been waiting for so long; I`ve craved, hungered for this intensity and now I just can`t turn away.

Sean turns his look towards the woman in front of him, smiling his crooked Sean-Davids - smile and I feel a sudden twinge in my stomach. His eyes are fixed on the camera again, as his hands caress the woman`s naked shoulders and my hands curl to fists, as something seems to force all air out of my chest. The warning voice inside me grows louder. Run! It tells me. Run now! But I`m already too far gone to listen. I just sit there gasping for air, mesmerized by his eyes.

He puts his hands around the actress`s waist pulling her back to him; his lips sink down to the spot, where her shoulder meets her neck, while his face is on the camera, piercing me with dark gaze.
This is too much! I jump up.
I can`t breathe. I must get out off here! Now!

I run head over heels out of the dark room, straight towards the toilets. There I lean against a cool wall, trying to calm my drumming heart, inhaling precious air.

What the hell has happened in there? An unexpected attack of claustrophobia? The room wasn`t even half full. And yet something in there has sucked all air out of my lungs.
I step towards the basin turning the rusted water-taps and with a metallic gasps it releases the water. Lowering my head I splash cold water into my face, hoping to find back to reality. My legs are still shaking and my head is throbbing, trying to eliminate the thick mist that has spread inside my mind. But slowly my heartbeat slows down and it becomes clear to me that I`ve just had the first panic attack in my life. A panic attack in an old cinema in an abandoned alley in London, watching my favourite actor - how strange life sometimes is!

I feel the warmth return to my cheeks and realize that the nagging hunger will come back before long, too. I look into the mirror, but the glass is blind. Well, it doesn`t really matter, for everytime I look into a mirror I see the same. An unusually pale face with sometimes dulled, sometimes feverish green eyes under a shock of ashblonde hair, that you really can`t call a haircut anymore. With a sigh I reach for some paper to dry my hands, but before I can grab it, a towel is pressed into my hand. Without a word I dry my face. So the greyhaired man isn`t that unfriendly after all. At least he has come to see if I was okay. I turn around to thank him, when I suddenly feel all colour drain from my face and the air seems to flee from my chest again. In front of me someone stands, I surely wouldn`t have expected to see here.

The black leather coat playing around his legs makes him look taller than he appears to be on screen. His tousled dark hair seems to glow in the hard white light; I can`t see his eyes, for they are hidden behind dark glasses, but there`s no doubt it`s him.
Who would ever have thought that I`d come to face Sean Davids in the toilet of a cinema, that must have had his glorious days in the last century?

His lips curl into the wry smile, that I have so often seen on screen.
"The film is not THAT bad, is it?" His voice is low, melodious, slightly husky.

I smile nervously. "I don`t know. I haven`t finished watching it."

He laughs, a deep throaty honest laugh and leans a bit forwards. "That bad, hu?”

I`m sure, if he didn`t wear these sunglasses, I could see a twinkle in his eyes. For some reason it makes my skin prickle. He leans back against the wall, folding his arms loosely across his chest and eyes me up and down. I feel nervous excitement build in my stomach spreading over my whole body. If I only had put on a bit of make up tonight! If I only had a proper haircut! If I only hadn`t put on my oldest jeans and the T-shirt, that had been white ages ago! I`m standing here with Sean Davids, looking like a scarecrow. And I`m not even able to say something intelligent, or to say anything at all. Oh how I wish the ground would open and devour me completely, or, since this is very unlikely to happen, I wish I would black out, just faint right here and now. But, oh wait, that wouldn`t be a good idea. Maybe he would try to catch me and probably hurt himself. So blacking out is not an option. But what shall I do then? Charm him with some witty remark? Good plan, just somehow I can`t find my wit today, not to speak of my charm, that`s practically not existing.

"Would you mind to look somewhere else, Mr.Davids? You`re making me nervous." At least I`m being honest, he should appreciate that - I hope.

"This is not my intention." There`s a twitch at the corner of his mouth, as he reaches out his hand. "Why don`t you call me Sean?"

I take his hand feeling his warmth skip over to me, spreading inside my veins and I feel intoxicated. Sean. Oh there are so many more names that spring to my mind instantly. Prince Charming, Mr Wonderful. To name just the G-rated ones.

His hearty laugh interrupts my thoughts. "Sean will be enough - for a start."

I`m sure his eyes sparkle behind these dark glasses, as I feel my stomach flutter uncontrollably. No, I didn`t say this out loud, did I?

"Maybe you did. Maybe you didn´t." He is grinning and obviously revels in my cheek-colouring embarassment.

Nevertheless I shrug my shoulders and smile back at him. "That`s what comes from too many conversations with myself I guess."

"At least you have a witty person to talk to."

Oh great! Sean Davids is making fun of me! I throw my head back, hoping to look proud, but most likely I only look affected or even worse, pitiful, since I haven`t got flowing locks to throw back effectively.

"Usually I`m a good talker, But this is a rather unusual situation for me, and I`m still trying to cope."

"I think you manage quite well." He sais encouragingly, before adding: "Would you mind giving me back my hand though?"

Like in slowmotion I look down, seeing that my hand is still holding his; and I didn`t even notice, before he mentioned it; it just felt natural, like a part of my body.
I hastily let go of it and step back, feeling my face turn scarlet.

"I`m so sorry, Mr. - Sean. I didn`t mean to." I stutter not able to meet his gaze anymore.

"So what do you say about changing the location and going to a nice little restaurant?"

Forgetting that I`m still embarassed I lift my head and gape at him. "Why?"

He frowns and raises his eyebrows over the edge of his sunglasses. "Because I`m hungry."

"Oh yes, of course." I hurry to say. "But why with me?"

He leans closer to me. "I`don`t like eating on my own."

He turns to go, motioning me to follow him, and I do.

posted May 15, 2012 12:34 PM            

Sean and I are walking through the night. He - marching with long strides, me - trying to keep up with him. Neither of us sais a word and I`m very contented with that, for as long as I remain silent, the chance of saying something stupid is rather small.
After a few minutes he stops in front of an Italian restaurant, and we take a place at a small table on the terrace.

So, there we are. But what do we do now? Eating I suppose. And talking. Talking? A big lump is growing in my throat. Talking? I don`t think I`d be able to utter even one coherent sentence right now.

It was hard enough in the glaring light of the cinema`s toilet, but here it`s simply impossible. Not on a night like this. A night like in one of these gushy romantic movies, he dislikes so much according to the last interview I read. A warm breeze carries towards us, heavy and sweet; stars glitter far above our heads, romantic Italian music hovers through the air, the candle flickers softly, drowning Sean`s face in warm light. God, he is handsome!

All at once I feel even more selfconscious than before and so I drop my gaze. I won`t stare at him, no certainly, I just won`t.

"Why don`t you let me participate in your conversation with yourself?"

Abruptly I lift my head. Great, I am staring now.
"What do you mean?"

"As entertaining it is to watch your face, while you`re talking to yourself, I`d rather be a part of the talk." He smiles this killer smile, and it feels as if the world starts spinning.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Why don`t we start with your name?"

I look surprised at him. Right, I haven`t told him my name, but he hasn`t asked for it either until now.

"My name`s Calla."

"So Calla," he starts, but I lift my hand up to stop him.

"It`s my turn now."

"What do you want to know?" He eyes me curiously.

"Why are you wearing sunglasses at night?"

He definitely hasn`t expected this question, concluded from the surprised expression on his features. Then a warm smile spreads over his face and I feel as if I`m bathed in sunshine.

He kneads his hands and then starts playing absently with the candle in front of him.

"I could tell you it`s because I don`t like to be recognized immediately, but" He leans closer over the table. "Actually I`m just looking cool with these."
He pushes the sunglasses up into his hair, and reveals his eyes as a sparkling swirl, that paralyses me. I can`t move, can`t think, everything except him just disappears into nowwhere.

And this is the moment the hunger returns. But it`s different this time. Usually it`s sneaking slowly closer, prancing, waiting, before taking posession of me. But this time it assaults me with no mercy, so violently, that my breathing stops. The deep hole inside my soul is darker and emptier than ever. Something inside me seems to tear my entrails apart, devouring my soul. It hurts, oh God, it hurts so much! I can`t take the pain, it`s too strong, too overwhelming. I`m drawn downwards, falling deep into an abyss of blue fire. What is this? Am I dying? Will it end here and now, will the hunger finally get silent forever as I cease to exist? But it doesn`t end. I know it never will. I`m consumed by the blaze and still alive, still able to feel even more emptiness, more pain, more burning.

"What`s wrong, Calla?" He leans back and puts his glasses on again, and this simple gesture catapults me to reality again. The hunger lessens, until it`s just a dragging pain, unpleasant, but bearable.

"Nothing." I`m not able to meet his eyes. "I`m just a little hungry."

I can feel his eyes burn into my skin. "You won`t have to wait for very much longer. The waiter will be here every moment."

"Yes, I think he´s coming over to us right now." I point at a man, dressed all in black. Sean follows my look and sighs wearily.

"What´s wrong?" I ask.

"This is not the waiter." He explains.
"It`s one of these annoying reporters."

"Why should a reporter come ove... Oh." I breathe out as realization dawns down on me.

"I am cursed." he murmurs, then a grin flies across his face and his eyebrow shoot mischievously up. "Are you in mood for a little bit of fun?"

Even behind these dark glasses I can sense his eyes sparkle.

I nodd, curious what he`s got in mind.

He reaches out over the table and twirls a strand of my hair round his finger, blinking at me. "Just pretend, you`re madly in love with me."

While my ear is still trying to send his words to my brain, he suddenly nodds vehemently. "Yes, that`s the expression. Stay this way."

He leans even closer, until his lips almost stroke my ear, as he whispers.

"Is he coming over to us?"

I glance sidewards and shake my head. "No."

Damn it, was that a croak coming from my throat?

Even though I wouldn`t have thought it possible, his grin widens. I`m glad he has put his sunglasses on again, for I fear I would burn to ashes if his eyes met mine again.

"Well, then we have to extend our show a bit." His low voice reverberates deep in my entrails.

What now? What will he do? And more importantly, what does he expect me to do? As I see him leaning back, putting down his sunglasses, I lower my head, staring onto the tablecloth. No, I won`t look at him. I don`t want to feel the pain again. The quiet nagging hunger is bad enough, but this cutting through my entrails, I can`t bear no more.

"Why don`t you look at me?"

Such a sweet, melodious voice, and these eyes, I remember them, the colour of electricity, twinkling and dazzling. The urge to look up becomes overwhelming, but I know the pain would kill me.

"Come on, Calla, don`t be shy."
His voice is soft and seductive. How can I resist? And I want to, I want to get lost in his eyes, bath in their sparkle, melt in their depth. But no, Calla, remember the hunger, the pain, an inner voice warns me.

Before I can make a decision I feel his fingers lifting my chin slowly. Instinctively I close my eyes. Well, it may prevent me from feeling the tormenting hunger, but now I feel his touch with even more intensitiy, inhale his scent even deeper than before, and it does nothing to calm my drumming heart.

"Calla, Calla." He almost sings my name, and the heavy summernight`s air makes it hard to breathe. "Open your eyes for me.”

Slowly, like under a spell I open up my eyes and the pain attacks with full force. It cuts through my entrails like an icecrystal, merciless, furious. White glowing pain shoots through my veins like raging fire. The empty hole inside my soul grows, devouring every content moment I`ve ever seen, erasing every memory of peace, I might have known, leaving behind just a burning shell of endless hunger, endless yearning. And I want it to end. I want to feel calm, no more feelings at all. But to no avail. The pain is eating me from inside. No way to escape. No way to get out of this. And the pain gets more violent than ever.

It is then that I feel his fingers holding my face, running up and down my cheeks.

"Just relax and everything will be fine, trust me." He smiles warmly at me, running his thumb gently over my bottom lip.

I stare at him with widened eyes, pain and a strangely pleasant tension struggling for supremacy. And then I see. I see his eyes, unfathomable depth, and I let go. I feel myself falling, deeper than I would ever have imagined possible. I`m drawn into the abyss of his eyes, drowning in an ocean of crystal blue. Something inside me stirs, a voice inside me tries to tell me something, something important, something about him, something about me.

"Too late." He murmurs, as his hands move to my neck, pulling my face closer to him. His lips touch mine ever so gently and the pain stops. It subsides, as warmth is spreading throughout my body. I`m craving for this warmth, this feeling of being alive. And I want more. I need more. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pull him even closer, trying to get more of his warmth.

But then something he said breaks through the haze in my mind and I abruptly pull away, trying to block out the pain, that is crawling back into my soul.

"Too late?"

He grins and puts on his sunglasses. "You think we tricked the reporter?"

Reporter? What the hell is he talking about?

His eyebrows shoot up. "Reporter? The reason we`re doing this here? You remember?"

I gulp, feeling the heat rise into my cheeks. Reporter, game, right, it`s not as if we were really attracted to each other. Trying to keep up the scarce remains of my pride I force a small smile onto my lips. "Of course I know. Why, did you think, I was replying to your kiss?"

For a moment he turns serious, scrutinizing my face, then a smirk flies across his features, before he forces a feigned expression of hurt onto his face. "And I had hoped there might be a chance I could win your heart before the night is gone."

A broad smirk illuminates his face, but in the depth of his eyes a dark glimmer dances.

I try to give my voice a light tone. "And what about my soul? Hey, maybe you could get two for the price of one."

He leans forward, raising his right hand and resting it warmly against my cheek. "Your soul`s already mine."

His words reverberate darkly in my entrails.
I give a much too shrill laugh and lean back, struggling to find my inner balance again.

He leans even closer to me, but stops in the middle of his movement, when someone beside him clears his throat noisily. As I turn my head, I see a man, dressed in black, standing beside our table. He`s tall and gawky, with a face like a hawk, and the hard line of his lips mark him as someone, who has probably never laughed in all his life.

"Excuse me." Ignoring me he turns to Sean. "Aren`t you John Sean?"

Sean shakes his head. "No. But if I was, do you think I would be having dinner with my wife in such a public place?"

"Wife?" The reporter seems to notice me for the first time and frowns.

`Wife?`the voice in my mind echoes silently.

"Yes, my wife." Sean flashes me a bright smile, before he leans in to kiss me briefly. Then he turns to the reporter again. "It`s our honeymoon, you know?"

"Congratulations." The reporter`s features stay expressionless. "Sean Davids is said to be in London for the premiere of his new film this week."

"Yes," I nodd, trying to get back into the game. "We`ve seen it." I hesitate shortly, before adding honestly. "At least we`ve seen a part of it."

The reporter now turns his attention onto me. "Why only a part?"

I squirm a bit, partly to play my role convincingly, partly, because I`m fully aware of the fact, that the real Sean Davids is sitting in front of me. But here`s the chance to pay back for some of the teasing he did tonight.

"Well," I drawl. "I usually like Sean."

"You do?" Sean leans a bit forward, a naughty smirk on his lips.

I try to ignore that my stomach has started to flutter again, and focus on the reporter, even though I keep on watching Sean out of the corner of my eyes.

"Yes," I continue. "But this film, I don`t know..." I shake my head, sigh, just to give the expression as if I`m searching for the right words.

The reporter suddenly looks very interested. "All critics say, it`s a masterpiece. Dark, deep, thoughtprovoking, so different from all this other superficial crap, he`s done so far."

Did my eyes betray me or did Sean lose his cool just for a moment? Did he really twitch? Did his jaw really tighten? I feel a little triumphant smile crawl onto my lips. So, there`s actually a weak spot in his displayed calmness?

Apparently the reporter hasn`t noticed, for he continues without hesitation. "So, with all the professional praise of the film, what could possibly be wrong with it?"

"Yes." Sean repeats emphatically. "What could possibly be wrong with it?"

Both men stare at me, but I don`t feel uncomfortable anymore. I start to really enjoy this. "Oh, don`t get me wrong." I say lightly. "it`s a good idea, a good storyline, just Sean`s acting is somewhat..." I pause dramatically.

Sean leans forward, taking my hand in his. "Come on, darling, tell us. His acting is somewhat...?"

I`m really enjoying myself now as I choose my next words. "Flat. His acting is flat."

My words linger in the air, as the reporter inhales a sharp breath and Sean lets go of my hand, leaning back in his chair.

So we are a little bit conceited, are we not, Mr. Moviestar?"

"But he`s one of the most talented actors these days. He belongs to Hollywood`s intellectual elite." The reporter voices his surprise. "I don`t think anyone ever called his acting flat."

"Well," I turn my look onto the reporter. "As I said before I like him, but look at some of the more intimate scenes he has. They may be technically perfect, but there`s no heart in it, no soul."

I hope, I didn`t go too far, for Sean`s eyebrows shoot high into his forehead, while his staedfast gaze burns on my face. Is he amused? Is he angry? I can`t tell, for his face doesn`t reflect any of his feelings. To relieve some of the tension, I pat his arm lightly. "I know, he`s one of your favourite actors. Please don`t be upset."

His lips curl into a wry smile. "Of course not. It`s not as if you talked about me, cause I always give my soul." He leans forward, penetrating me with a look, so intense, that I can feel it even through his sunglasses.

I swallow, feeling my cheeks colour, as images flood my mind, that definitely shouldn`t be there, but still I find it impossible to break away from his gaze. Impossible to keep my hands from shaking. Damn it, does he always have to have the last word? I only hope, he doesn`t notice the condition I`m in now. Hope, he doesn`t notice the inner turmoil, he sends me through. Or that he at least pretends to not notice.

"What`s wrong, darling?" His voice is so soft, so sweet, that I feel even more alarmed. "Your hands are shaking."

I hate him. I really do. He could have not noticed it. He could have ignored it. But he`s just a cruel mean...

He leans in, whispering to me. "You better watch your language, young lady. We`re not alone.”

I gape at him. Did it happen again? Did I say this aloud? Did the reporter hear it, too?

But the reporter obviously has been busy scribbling some notes into an old notebook and now lifts up his head again.

"So, if you`re not Sean Davids, have you seen him? I was told by the owner of a cinema, that he had been there, and then a waiter told me, he had seen him here."

Sean pretends to be thinking, before he replies with feigned excitement. "Oh yes, of course. There was someone who looked a little bit like him. Don`t you remember, darling?"

Obviously he doesn`t want to give me time to get back my inner balance, but I don`t hesitate and force a false smile onto my lips. "Yes, I remember now. Didn`t he disappear in the restrooms with this waitress?"

The reporter looks from Sean to me and back again, his forehead wrinkled. "Are you sure?"

Sean hesitates, then he smirks. "Yes, we`re sure, it must have been him."

posted May 16, 2012 01:43 PM            

Ten minutes later we hurry through the darker quarters of London. After seeing the reporter disappear into the restrooms, Sean gripped my hand and pulled me onto my feet to leave the scene of crime as fast as possible. So we`ve been running and laughing, until our stomache hurts. When the restaurant faded into the distance, he stopped in front of a little shop to buy sandwiches and a bottle of red wine with two papercups, stuffed into a paper bag. And now we`re trying to find a nice place to have dinner at last. Well, he`s trying to find, I`m mainly trying to keep up with him

Suddenly he turns to me; a little smile is playing around his lips, as he leans down and presses a light kiss onto my forehead. "It was a pleasure to play this scene with you." His voice sounds amused. "I hope, I didn`t embarass you too much with my flat acting."

I feel my cheeks turn scarlet. Fortunately it`s so dark that he can`t see. "I`m sorry." I stutter. "I didn`t want to...I didn`t mean to...I mean...I know, your acting is great, you know...it was just...".
Well, it may be impossible for him to see my cheeks on fire, but unfortunately the darkness doesn`t prevent him from hearing me babbling on. Seems, I`m developing a habit here.

"Oh," he bows mockingly to me. "I feel honoured having your praise." Laughing roaringly he wraps his arms around me and swings me round, until I can`t tell earth from heaven anymore.
"Oh Calla." he lets go of me and wipes the tears of laughter from his eyes. "That was fun!" Turning serious he moves a finger under my chin to lift it up. "I knew we were one of a kind."

Whatever this means, it makes me nervous, and so I shift restlessly from one foot to the other, racking my brain for something noncommittal to say. "So, how do we let the poor reporter know that we`ve been making up these things?"

"We won`t."

"But then he might publish these lies."

"Oh, I`m sure he will." Sean gives out a chuckle. "And then I will take his magazine to court. Oh please don`t look so shocked." He pats my shoulder. "It`s not like they don´t deserve it. They stalk me, I sue them. It`s just a game."

Smiling warmly he takes my hand and starts walking again.

********************************************
As we`re strolling through the night, the quarters become even darker. The citie`s noises fade away and any sign of the living breathing pulse of civilization dies away in the distance, giving us over to a thick curtain of night. For the first time in my life I can see the darkness, hear the silence. But unlike the heroine of some romantic mystery tale I find it neither appealing nor soothing. The absence of the citie`s distraction confronts me with myself, the naked essence of my nature. And whatever other people may tell you, this is not romantic, it`s not beautiful. I certainly don`t want to know everything that`s hidden inside my soul, waiting to break through the bars of my fragile civilzed self. I shake my head trying to chase away these unsettling thoughts. This is silly. Something is unsettling, but it`s not hidden in my soul; the reason for my restlessness is striding beside me. Why does he say no word? Why are we heading in such a deserted direction?
Glancing at Sean I feel a knot of worry building in my stomach.
What do I know about this man? Sure he was there in the cinema to look after me. Sure, he took me to this restaurant. Sure, we had some fun. But he`s still a stranger to me. Can I trust him?

Obviously he has noticed the change in me, for he presses my hand and smiles down on me. "Is something wrong, Calla? You`ve grown so silent."

"It`s nothing," I clear my throat. "But it`s quite deserted here."

"Yes," he nodds. "But you never can be as alone as in the middle of a crowd, eh? Besides, we`re almost there."

Almost there? I can hear the alarming voice in my head grow louder. Bad idea, Calla, very bad idea. Didn`t your mother always tell you: Don`t go with strange men, not even, if they promise you candy or in this case sandwiches and red wine. And especially never ever let him take you to a dark place at night with no crowd around.
Oh, he`s an actor you know from movies? Very well then, if he`s an actor it means he can act; he can play the good guy.
So you are attracted to him?
I look shyly at the man at my side. Attracted? I`ve always been attracted to smart enigmatic guys, but there`s more to this man. He touches me deeper than I can comprehend, strikes a chord inside me, I wasn`t aware of before, or just vaguely. His eyes pierce through the obvious, crawl under my skin to a place inside me I`ve never known before. His voice reverberates in my entrails, shaking me from inside and it feels as if my soul is answering to him. As if there`s a bond between us and I`m drawn to him, slowly, inevitably, with no control over my body, mind or heart anymore. It feels like there is a connection. But not the pink blissful novel-like kind, where lovers sink into each others arms with a heavenly sigh to live happily ever after. It`s rather like a beast, locked up in a dark corner of the soul, halfforgotten, yet feared, lying in wait, growling, thirsting, waiting for the chance to break free. It`s tearing me apart, filling my heart with ache, howling, raging, consuming my soul with scorching heat.

Feeling my eyes water I tear my look away from him. Is this the passion I have been craving for? The depth, the intensity? Now I would rather it was gone. It`s hopeless, painful, unleashing a storm inside me, that easily could sweep away everything, my past, my life, my integrity. I risk a sidewards glance at his refined features, feeling the warmth of his hand flowing through me. Memories of his lips pressed onto mine overflood me and I crave for his touch, hunger for his kiss, yearn for his warmth. And not because he`s talented or intelligent; not because I feel romantically attracted. I crave him, because his body seems to be perfect for mine, because his eyes send electric bolts through my body, reaching for a layer of my soul, so deep down, hidden and unknown, with emotions, so raw and primal, that I`m frightened all at once. A line of a song from long ago springs to my mind and for the first time I, fully comprehend the meaning of these words: You scare me so.

A slight change in the air startles me out of my thoughts, a feeling of loss, and as I take notice of my environment again I see, that Sean has let go of my hand. "We´re there."
There - that is a wrought-iron gate, leading into a dark tree-covered park.

"Where are we?" I watch, as he steps closer and rattles at the locked bars.

He turns to me, giving me a stone-melting smile.
"It`s a very special night and so I wanted to take you to a very special place. It`s beautiful, I promise. But we`ve got to walk a little further into the park."

I swallow, feeling the alarming voice rise again. So I am attracted to him, but is this a reason to get maybe killed?

Sean reaches out his hand to me. "Do you trust me?"

posted May 16, 2012 02:04 PM            

Sean glides lissomly over the gate and reaches out his hand to help me. But I decline the offer. Not because I`m such a brilliant athlete, but I want to manage on my own. So I climb the gate much less lissomly than he did. It goes surprisingly well, but when I want to climb down on the other side, my T- shirt gets stuck in the spikes. With an ugly noise the thin material rips and I fall hard to the ground, hissing some not so ladylike curses.
As I`m sitting in the dry dirt, confused and annoyed, Sean kneels down in front of me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I`m fine." I growl.

But despite my reassurance he takes my right hand into his, inspecting the skin carefully.
"You are hurt." His gaze is fixed on the thin red line running around my wrist like a delicate bracelet.

"Just a scratch." I reply a little breathless. The air suddenly seems to spakle and crackle, and I send a short prayer to the heavens, thankful that I`m already sitting, for I doubt my legs could keep me standing right now. But somehow I have to break the tension, or he will notice. He will look into my face and he will see. Besides I have to breathe some time soon again, and this is just an impossible task, while he`s so close to me.
When I try to withdraw my hand, Sean intensifies his grip on my wrist, causing some drops of blood to trickle down to the ground leaking away into the earth. Slowly he lifts my hand up and I freeze. Images flash through my mind, visions of him, raising my wrist to his lips...
Of course this doesn`t happen; he just takes a handkerchief out and bandages my hand. The tension fades away and I feel as if I just have survived a fight. Tears well up in my eyes and I feel a dry sob rising up in my throat, but I repress it. How could I explain to him? How could I explain that I feel as if I`ve come too close to an invisible line? How could I explain that his hands feel so right on my skin? How could I explain that he stirs emotions inside me, so confusing and dangerous? That one part of me wants to rest in his embrace, feeling warm and secure, while another part desires to give in to the call of blood and devour him completely, with no regrets, no consideration?

"So," he gets up and pulls me to my feet. "Do you think you can walk?"

When I nodd, he leads me deeper into the park, until we come to a bench, where he sits me down and unwraps the sandwiches and wine.

"Is it here? Is this what you wanted to show me?"
I ask him between two bites and survey my environment curiously and a bit disappointed. Oh, it is beautiful, dark, peaceful, with all these trees around, but it`s just a park like any other.

Sean laughs lowly. "No, this isn`t what I wanted to show you." He glances at his watch. "It`s not time yet. So let`s have dinner first."

He takes a big bite of his sandwich and as some crumbs get stuck in the corner of his mouth, I feel the sudden urge to wipe them away. But before I can do anything stupid, he licks them away with a quick flick of his tongue. The sensuality of this gesture makes my heart race and I quickly take a big gulp of wine to ease the dryness of my throat. The thick red liquid flows down my throat, setting my inside ablaze and getting to my head immediately, as I become aware of Sean watching me.

"What is it?" I ask curtly. God, he won`t think I`m a heavy drinker, will he?

His full lips curl into a heart-breaking smile.
"Take it slowly. We don`t want to get you drunk."

I manage to reply the smile. Somehow it helps that my head feels like swimming. "And i thought that was your plan." I say jokingly. "Get me drunk ..."

"And then...?" He leans closer to me, his smile never disappearing, but there`s a serious, almost lurking tone in his voice, as he brings his fingers under my chin and raises it up. "What would I do with you then?"

There´s a moment of tensed silence, before I shrug my shoulders and lean back. "Don`t know. Nothing I guess."

I put my head into my neck, trying to make out some stars, but the roof of leaves above our head is too thick to see through. Without warning a wave of sadness splashes over me. What should a man like Sean want with me? Nothing. He will disappear from my life before long. This here means nothing to him. He will leave soon, this here is just a diversion to him. I feel my eyes swim with tears, unable to hold them back anylonger. I feel trapped, trapped in my feelings, trapped in my inability to be content with what I have, unable to embrace eternity in a moment, short as this. I jerk, when I feel his finger wiping away my tears.

"Please don`t cry." His soft voice is barely above a whisper. But instead of calming me, it increases the feeling of being forlorn, and sobs explode in my breast.
He pulls me into his arms and cradles me, stroking my hair softly. I`m so thankful, for he doesn`t say a word, doesn`t ask, he is just holding me. And as I`m lying there, sobbing helplessly into his shoulder, I realize that I`ve never felt at home before, never belonged to anyone. I don`t know why, but somehow Sean forces me to face my half hidden wounds.
Suddenly I see it clearly - the pain I constantly feel, the gnawing hunger - it`s only there, because nothing can fulfill me and nothing ever will. Somehow the realization, as bitter as it is, calms me, and the sadness gives place to a silent resignation. Slowly my sobs die away and I sit up again, looking with reddened eyes at him.

"I look terrible." I run my trembling fingers through my hair.

"No," he takes my face in both hands, drawing the lines of my face with his thumbs. "You`re beautiful, Calla."

"Liar." I croak, showing a wretched smile.

"You are beautiful." He insists and sinks his lips onto mine.

For a moment I give in, sink into his kiss, embrace a world of possibilities, feeling waves of warmth wash over me, but then I shove him vehemently back and jump up.
"I don`t need your pity." My voice is a screech, but I don`t care.

I swing round and run towards the gate.I don`t get far, with a few long strides he`s behind me, grips my wrist and swings me round to him. I lose my balance, stumble and fall hard against his chest.
"I won`t let you run away again!" His voice is steel.

"Let go of me. You`re hurting me." My voice is full of shock about his vehemence.
He lets go of my hand, but keeps on fixing his gaze on me.
With a sigh he relaxed and runs his hands through his thick dark hair.
"Running away," he sais thoughtfully, his eyes hidden behind dark glass. "That`s what you always do, isn`t it? Avoiding any gaze that sees too deep, any touch that reaches under your skin, anyone who comes too close. That`s why you hide away in dark cinemas."

I open my mouth to protest, but he raises his hand, cutting me off.

"In the audience you can feel, from a distance you can participate in all these emotions, without risking anything. It`s like..." he chooses his words deliberately. "feeling with a safety net."

"Please be quiet." I all but groan.

A grim smile appears on his lips, as he walks up and down in front of me. "But something went wrong tonight, didn`t it?" He stops in front of me and his piercing gaze sends a cold spark down my spine. "Somehow I`ve gotten through to you. Somehow I`ve come close to you, Somehow ..."

"Shut up!" my scream rings shrill through the night and I quickly cover my ears. I don`t wanna hear. Every word he sais is like a stab through my heart, and I don`t want to think about it. I`ve always been the one craving for passion, for depth, for true love. How can he dare to tell me that I`m just a coward in denial.
"You`re wrong," I wrap my arms around my shaking body. "You`re so very wrong."

But he doesn`t retreat and leans so close to me, that his breath tickles my face. "Everything happens for a reason, Calla." He inhales a deep breath and takes a step back.
"You don`t need to run away from me. I promise I will never hurt you," his lips curl into a mischievous smile. "Well, not until you ask for it."

He looks like a big boy again, with his tousled black hair and smirking face, and I feel my indignation melt away.

"Do you you trust me?" He asks softly.

"Yes, I don`t know why, but I do, I trust you." I smile up at him.

“Then let`s go, Calla, there`s something you should see now." He kisses my nose lightly and takes my hand, as he starts walking again.