posted February 01, 2012 10:17 PM            

"that's such a nice profile avatar... is it you? looks very contemplative and humanistic, the kind of feeling you don't get anymore unless you watch old french films"

posted March 11, 2012 09:57 AM            

Tempted and tried, we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong

When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
Then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all, by and by

posted March 14, 2012 05:30 PM            

I used to think I'd been spared for good reason. I didn't die that night, I didn't die from the various high fevers that I dealt with at least four times a year. I didn't die from being bullied, although I almost tried. I almost drowned when I was eleven - surrounded by people - but someone caught my arm as I disappeared under the water. I'm a good person. I've always done what I thought was right, done my best to be good to people, and now? where the f**k am I now? Still being good to people, I just have more of a mouth on me - and a more careless one, to boot, when I'm angry. My sister doesn't do much more than me in this world, but apparently, she's done alright for herself solely because she's getting married. F**ked up.

A part of me is afraid that something is going to happen to her, now that we're fighting so much. For some reason, I get sick in all sorts of ways, but *I'm* still alive and kicking. What the hell? I'm not living with barely anything to survive, I still have my parents, I can still walk, I have several comforts in my home, even if it isn't the best there is, and I'm somehow messed up with depression, anxiety, and a self-esteem that has been getting a clobbering, just as I'd recovered enough of it to really live for a change.

posted March 14, 2012 07:04 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by teasel:

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posted April 14, 2012 04:07 AM            

I hope it's the start of a wonderful year.

posted June 01, 2012 11:53 PM            

I'll email you what I mentioned tomorrow.

posted August 07, 2012 04:20 AM            

My sister and I have been arguing since late February - a continuation of what happened last December. She mistakenly thought that I'd abided by her version of a truce (that I didn't even know about), which was supposed to consist of me ignoring my feelings, losing my boundaries, and feeling/believing whatever she wanted me to. That is never going to happen. She is still marrying the loser - I had eased up where he was concerned, until I found out that he was still pushing a lie about me (completely invalidating his apology to me some years back).

Tyler was killed. I put that in bold, to distract right away from the sister crap. On July 4th, he was "stomped" by someone, after trying to break up a fight over a phone. He lost functioning of one side of his brain immediately - he was gone as soon as he hit the ground - and the other side of his brain failed over the next couple of days. Nobody has come forward with a name as to who essentially murdered him. He was taken off life support, a couple of weekends later, after his organs were harvested.

The Sunday before last, we were in a car accident. My dad and I. We were physically okay, but shaken. Well, mostly okay - my right arm has been hurting ever since, but I haven't told him that. It's fine, just a bit sore, and if it gets worse, I will say something.

An uncle was told that his cancer came back, a few months ago. They said there was nothing they could do to help him. I'm not that close to him, but it's yet another family member of my dad's to go (potentially). It scares me. I'm waking up every morning with extreme anxiety (my lovely sister says that I'm faking: she can suck it). This mother-effing t-square in the sky is hitting my own t-square of Jupiter, Pluto and Saturn, and transiting Pluto is creating a grand cross. My dad's Mars/merc is affected by it, too (7* and 8* Aries).

According to my sister, my online friends don't like me anymore. I don't think that's true for most of them, but she needs to take more digs at me, to say that I'm crazy, etc. Ooh, if I could talk about certain things here.. well, I could, but I would then feel obligated to defend and say that she has her own side of the story, but she doesn't deserve my defense. A lot more has been going on, but this has been the main thing this summer. Oh, in June, the police were called when out arguing was ongoing. Anything that was good about my life is disintegrating. I'm supposed to just ignore whatever crap is going on, and I can't. I wish that I could. I wonder why I need to keep adjusting to make someone happy, when they aren't considerate of my own feelings, my personal space, when they denigrate me.

posted October 19, 2012 12:38 AM            

My dog, Rita, is very sick. I was worried about her yesterday morning, when I thought she might have swallowed a chicken bone (the cat knocked off a KFC box from last week, and it was next to my desk, empty). She appeared to be having a bit of trouble breathing, but then shook it off. She's been on supplements for her heart for over a year now, and seemed to be doing great. I don't know if I had it too cold in here for a couple of days there when I was really stressed. I was worried about them getting stressed around me - I will hate myself forever if she dies because I had too cold in here, or something.

She just had a bit of coconut water, from a coconut that I bought last Sunday. She apparently took it better than the beef broth dad has been giving her. I wondered where she was, because I hadn't seen her after she fell asleep with me, Wednesday morning - she seemed just *fine*. My dad just came up to me, and told me that she seemed to have a relapse earlier, after going to the bathroom - they don't think it's an obstruction because she pooped and urinated, and the vet refused to do anything for her before, because of her age (she's thirteen - we lost Liz ten years ago, at the age of thirteen, in November). They're all thirteen, and two days ago, I'd just told Juni that the last four dogs are still with us. Kill me now, why the **** does this keep happening???

- - - - -

posted December 26, 2012 12:12 AM            

Emily is constipated, and I think she has kidney problems. She's been miserable all day, and I've been worried about her all day. The weekend before Christmas was better than the actual day, but at least some of it happened.

I've been feeling useless, incredibly emotional, and just too messed up to even be a good friend to anyone. I feel like I'd be inflicting myself on anyone I spend time with, and I need to get out of here, but am too afraid to, as well - even now. It seems like there are bright spots, but otherwise, things just get worse.