posted January 12, 2009 10:54 AM         

After my divorce, I moved in with them because my daughter was only 1 yrs old at the time, and I didn't feel confident enough to raise her on my own. They have been such a help to me this past year, but now everything they do just seems to be wrong. They spoil her, and give her whatever she wants, and don't respect the bedtime schedules and rules I set for her. Last night she went to bed at 1 am! Whenever I say no to her, she goes running to grandma and grandpa. They treat me like I'm a crazy Nazi mom, when all I'm trying to do is set some rules. Our parenting styles are completely different, so we keep running into conflict on a daily basis.

I've been thinking a lot about moving back into New York City, closer to where I work, and trying to be a single mom on my own without their help. I'm really scared because I don't know if I can do it. What if I mess up, or I make a huge mistake? What if I fail at being a mom? Part of me feels selfish for thinking about taking her away from her grandparents and the only family she knows to prove my own independence, but at the same time something in me really needs to know if I can do this on my own. I want to live by my rules, not theirs. I don't feel like I'm living "my" life, and as long as I'm living with my parents, I'm preventing myself from really growing up. I have never lived on my own before, and I am at such a major crossroads right now, I don't know what to do.

I have hard Uranus and Saturn transits to my moon right now, which may be why there is so much conflict and instability in the home. I've moved 3 times in the past year alone, so I'm hesitant to move again so soon, but living there is getting intolerable.

Would anyone be able to tell by looking at my transits if it is a bad time to move again right now? I would be breaking my current lease, and lose my deposit, and a lot of money to move, so I wanted to see if I'll just end up wasting a bunch of money, and have everything just turn out awful and end up moving again.

Would anyone be able to give some advice on whether you think I should take this huge step and move out on my own with my daughter?

I'm taking a vote too.
Thumbs up for "Yes move"
Thumbs down for "No move"

Thanks so much Knowflakes!

posted January 12, 2009 11:18 AM           

Where is the childs father? His parents?

Do you have any support system in NYC?

Friends and family around can be a big help with kids. Like, your child gets pink eye, or the flu, daycare won't take the child, you have no option but to miss work for however many days it takes. If your child attends daycare there are many germs and stuff that are really rampant, and sick child care is something you need to consider.

Are you challenging them or are they challenging you? I am sure it isn't that fun for your parents either to argue every day. You should be independant and take care of your child, absolutely, it is your responsibility to do so, but you should also consider the fact that family and friends can really be an asset and if they open thier home to you now, it shows that they are there for you.

I do think when you become a parent, you need to be the provider and responsible party for the welfare of that child. It sounds like maybe right now your parents are the providers for you and your child.

Is your motive to move away to hurt your parents? assert your independence? consider carefully your reasons for wanting to move away and if you are indeed up to the big job all alone. It is not an easy road without a support system in place.

Is taking an apartment away but not too far away a possibility? I just think you should consider life without a support system and make sure you are prepared as you can be for every possible scenario.

I just realized you are almost 30 years old. You should definately have your own home, whether it be close to your parents or not.

posted January 12, 2009 11:36 AM         

Sunshine _lion, sorry for the confusion. To clarify, I am currently renting a house, that my parents live in with me and my daughter. You are right about needing a support system with a child. That is what I am so fearful of...that I will have no one in the city, except maybe a nanny that I will have to hire. But it's getting tot he point where my parents are not supportive of me anymore. They keep telling me how crazy I am and to see a psychiatrist because I think it is vital to wash one's hand when they come home, or keep a sanitary home. They think I'm a nazi for saying no to ice cream for breakfast. My mother undermines me ALL the time.

This is my huge dilemna, to stay living with them for my daughter's sake, and be miserable, or move out and see if I can do this on my own, and work to create a new support system for myself in the city. I know it will not be easy, but my life right now is not easy either.

And my parents will technically only be 30 minutes away by car in Jersey.

posted January 12, 2009 11:45 AM           

Will your parents be homeless then?

posted January 12, 2009 12:03 PM         

I think it's important for your child to see your independence. If that means moving, then move. 30 minutes away or 3000 miles away. First and foremost, you are the main authority figure in your child's life, and I can't underestimate that it would be difficult to be in a situation where your authority is undermined, even if it is by your own parents, your child's grandparents.
Hey, it's never perfect. I mean, a living situation with having someone to care for your child is wonderful - but the price you pay emotionally is high if the situation is so unsavory. And obviously everyone becomes affected.
And you had Pluto going through your 4th, which is the ruler of it, so no doubt this has been an ongoing matter. And now that it's out of there, it seems you are feeling like you're ready to DO something.
So I think hell with it, take a chance. Kids are resilient. You're a mom, and you're a human being. I don't think these two things are in conflict here regardless. Whatever changes are happening in your life and are igniting you are obviously for a reason. You don't want to be in a situation where you feel life has made a choice FOR you, you know?

Trying to make things right with your parents may very well mean moving away from them so that you can have autonomy and they have no choice but to give you respect. I understand that family is important, but so is individuality and growth. You shouldn't have to choose, but maybe you do for the moment, to follow your heart. Because it's obviously telling you something here.
And I just think that if you've tried something for so long and it hasn't worked, then maybe it's time to try something different, you know? Novel idea LOL.
But seriously, maybe it would be harder for you to move, but maybe it will not be. You never know. The Universe has its way of opening doors. And sometimes it opens them by making sure we are very uncomfortable with the place we are in, so we can take a chance and follow its lead.

posted January 12, 2009 12:06 PM           

virgo taurus taurus - her parents are freaks and she is better off homeless?

posted January 12, 2009 12:18 PM           

your parents are showing your daughter how to act like a total freak and how to undermine people,

posted January 13, 2009 01:01 PM         

MVM, your point about my child needing to see my independence really rings true. I want her to be an independent, strong, accomplished person, and you are right that the best way to teach that is by example.

Annaf, you must have some elements of earth in you, because your advise is very practical, stable, and sound! The voice of reason in the practical terms such as higher cost of living in NYC, less time for friends, etc. I do need to think of all the cost implications, and see I can afford it. Thanks for pointing out that aspect of it.

I'm going to really think things through, and discuss everything with my parents!

Thanks so much everyone!

posted January 13, 2009 01:56 PM           

LOL, some elements of earth?? I'm almost ALL earth... I know I coulent hide it if I tried.

posted January 14, 2009 09:00 AM         

2. My rules regarding my daughter are this (list them)
I do not care if you don't agree with them, just respect them.

3. Do not call me any derogatory names in front of my child. I would never dream of calling her grandparents names such as "interfering old bag" or "geriatric push over". Never call me a Nazi again.

4. If you find it impossible to work with me on this, then initially I would like you to move out whilst I re establish a code of conduct with my daughter and then when we have done that, I shall be looking to move to New York. Sadly this means you won't get to see her as much but Mother (pause) Father (pause) this situation is untenable and I will not permit it to continue.
So it is entirely up to you (makes them responsible see?)

You ARE the parent. Not them. They still see you as the little girl. You have to remind them things have changed.
Calm assertive energy.
If they fight back say calmly
"Thank you for clarifying my position. I now know exactly what I need to do"