posted March 04, 2009 07:40 PM           

Right from the beginning, he was getting phone calls from co-workers joking about having sex with him, calls from previous girlfriends who would either hang up or invite him over and when he went out, he would constantly stare at other women. I felt fat and ugly and thought it was my fault all the time that I was abused physically, emotionally and psychologically by him. He once asked me to buy plane tickets for the both of us to go on vacation and that he could pay me back when he got his paycheck and I suggested that we buy them separately and he called me a bad person who will never help him so I bought him a laptop to show that I would "help him" as he needed it for medical school in Antigua. He went for one semester and came back because he thought it was a lousy school. When he came back, he kept telling me that maybe he will go back to Antigua and get his medical degree even though he has no money and the loans for that school are at an 8% interest rate per month. Then he said that maybe he should go to Poland and be surrounded by "Europeans" which I don't know what the significance was. At that point, he kept talking about this one pretty Pakistani girl who he gave all his textbooks to and how she talked to him about marriage. Then he kept making jokes about how I should give him money because anyone who gives him money will be "lucky". I told him I wanted my laptop back and he said that we can no longer see each other anymore because we can never "share anything". He told me he will give me the $200 back or I should give him $300 and he can give me the laptop back. I was so ****** off that I just told him to forget about the whole thing. He was happy that I told him to forget about it since he has no job now. Even though he has no job, he still keeps his expensive gym membership.

Typing all this out makes me feel incredibly stupid. I don't think astrology can explain his behavior or even culture as other Bosnians I have talked to and who know him have called him creepy. His sister told me right from the beginning that he's psychologically abusive and that I should find another guy. His mother calls him crazy and spends money like it's nothing. Then after I got furious at him for staring at other girls all the time and offered to buy him his plane ticket to Antigua, I got a nasty e-mail from them telling me that I am a bad person with no character (because I left his notebooks in the parking lot after he told me to leave him, even though I went back to pick them up).

I guess the question is more of what's wrong with me? Are there other women as desperate as I was? Was I the bad person? When do you know if someone is being abusive or if you were the cause of the abuse?

posted March 04, 2009 07:48 PM         

My advice, as you look for explanations, is to first consider the messages you received from your parents, other important adults, and society in general about male-female roles, how to behave in a relationship, and your own self image. The roots of abusive relationships lie in the childhoods and parent-figure relationships of both the abuser and the abused.

Then, save your chart for the FUN part--check out your chart to learn where there are exciting aspects you can activate to uncover hidden talents, get your groove and power back, and realize your full potential. Hopefully some of the very accomplished astrologers on Lindaland will have advice about this.

posted March 04, 2009 10:14 PM         

And you put up with all that ?!?

He has psycological issues, you have to dump him and never see him again. Yes you may not be the most beautiful and generous person on earth, but I'm sure you are way smarter and genuine than him and love/relationships are not about competing with other women /people all the time, it's only a way of wasting your life.

Find someone normal who respects you ! Men do that sometimes yes but he sounds like he has serious issues, I've known and had problems with guys like that, and after a while I realized that there were a lot of girls who wouldn't even talk to them because they knew what they were about !

posted March 04, 2009 10:28 PM         

Your ex has a stupid sense of entitlement. It's good that you left him. I don't think anything's wrong with you, we've all stuck around with someone that we shouldn't have.

Though maybe at the time you were going through a weird transit? When Pluto squared my Venus I stuck around with a guy that I should've walked from (the bad thing is though I still think about him and wish we still talked... of course he wasn't even remotely abusive, he just didn't want a relationship at the time) or at least taken less seriously.

posted March 04, 2009 10:43 PM         

now you've succeeded in stepping back from that, that's a good step. the fact that you got manipulated by him doesn't mean something is wrong with YOU, at all. it may mean that you are very kind and sympathetic. but there is no need to feel that way, because that's exactly what these people spot and try to "use". i know a woman who is a professional photographer. she is REALLY tough and independent and friendly and, kind of acts like a boy, even. she's fair and even dry sometimes, but i like her that way very much. and one would never imagine that she was once trapped in a physically abusive relationship and took a few years and therapies to get out of it completely.

posted March 04, 2009 10:48 PM         

i think one tendency is that the people who experience(d) war develop different value systems, that might appear arrogant or immodest to others. btw the 3 top a--holes i've met in my life were Indian American girl from N. Carolina, Croatian guy in Germany, and Slavic girl in the Netherlands.

posted March 05, 2009 07:01 AM         

quote:

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Even the smartest people end up getting sucked in by manipulative arrogant twats like him.

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Absolutely agree!!! People put on a veneer to get what they want. They walk around in grown-up bodies but are not adults. They never have a stamp on their forehead saying "I'm a twat. Avoid me".

We are all capable of being subjected to another person's psychological issues. It's less likey to happen again to you. You'll be aware of what behaviours to avoid.

That's a good idea to check out your thoughts with a therapist. It may bring you back into alignment with yourself.

posted March 05, 2009 01:53 PM         

quote:

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When do you know if someone is being abusive or if you were the cause of the abuse?

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posted March 05, 2009 06:32 PM         

quote:

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His sister told me right from the beginning that he's psychologically abusive and that I should find another guy. His mother calls him crazy and spends money like it's nothing.

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No doubt I will get told off for saying this but here's some Dr Phil tough love, YOU got a PERSONAL warning from one of his family members, particularly his sister at the BEGINNING. You got a fair warning.

You had personal warnings from your own instincts it seems. You heard from other members in his community. YOU persisted in a relationship with him and got hurt. If you get told these things and observe these things, then why didn't you pull out? Yes, it is easy to get stuck in abusive relationships but at the end of the day, However, the onus falls on the abused to get out because the abuser never changes. It's easy to believe that you think they love you, that they or yourself fools yourself but you must keep your wits.

posted March 05, 2009 07:41 PM           

My problem this whole time was that I go back and forth.

When is it time to forgive someone and overlook their faults and when do you decide that it's not worth pursuing? Yeah, he had a sad life so I'm thinking that's why I put up with a lot of things.

Another thing that confused me was that he said other Bosnians were jealous of him and he was right about some of them, especially his sister. His sister was nice to me at first but after he got into Antigua, she told me I was too young for him and should find myself an American guy. My Albanian co-worker told me that his mother never accepted me because I'm not Bosnian. It's hard to decide what the truth is when so much gossip goes on.

His family was nice to me to my face but who knows what they say behind my back. Me and my funky logic thought that Jasmin may have been nasty to me at times, but at least it wasn't behind my back.

I do wonder if I went through this hell because he cheated and wanted to be with someone else. I just couldn't figure it out that maybe I wasn't who he wanted because he gave me mixed signals. First he talked about marriage with me, then he talked about other women. It wasn't until he mentioned the Pakistani girl did I realize that he talks about marriage with all girls.

Sorry to blabber on, but thanks for the support.

Either way, he's not going to contact me again and I won't be either. I've had problems with him before with him constantly telling me that other women want to sleep with him and I won't find someone better then him (he's even reminded me this during the good times).

posted March 05, 2009 08:13 PM         

Hope this negative experience has made you more wary, and will contribute to you making better choices in the futuren the future.....

Red flags?? There were plenty. Now you might be able to recognize them and not get involved the next time.

Anyone who puts you down half the time, while telling you marriage is possible the other half the time, is not on an even keel and doesn't know what they want.