posted May 13, 2009 06:04 PM         

I am really intense in relationships. Obsessive as I said before. Can't let go of my loved ones. Deeply hurt when they let me go.

I dwell on past relationships a lot. In fact, in my heart they are not past at all (especially the very important ones)
It scares people off.

I need to be in control of the relationship too but secretly dream of somebody coming from the skies above or some other Never-Neverland , sweeping me off my feet and making me feel like it's going to last forever. Don't know if such person exists, because everybody that I've met is weaker in character than what I have in mind.

I believe my Moon and NN in Libra make me appear more agreeable and easy going than I really am. I often hide behind that mask as people don't seem to respond favorably to my obsessive behavior

I love secrets too. The more secretive somebody is, the more I get turned on. Just want to get to the bottom of everything and then devour it.

My greatest love was when I was 17 years old. He died tragically at 19 and it took me about 10 years to get over him. For years I wanted to go to a physic and get in touch with him somehow. I also wanted to die at the time. Glad those thoughts are gone now.

posted May 14, 2009 08:27 AM         

quote:

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is a placement often found in charts of powerful healers and reiki masters

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glad to hear that. sounds nice and... important.

what Yin says sounds vaguely familiar
my Pluto conj NN from the 7th house, squares Sun sextiles Mercury-Neptune-MC and semisq my Saturn.
I seem to be a comforting presence for others, who think I know more than I actually do, and am more confident in myself than actually am. for this reason, everybody comes to me in need, and nobody's there for me when I need something - cos hey, I can handle it. I'm all mighty.

Sarcasm helps me cope; and I learned to take everything with a grain of salt. if people actually think I'm great... what the heck to they know

oh. everynow and then, someone there's a power game that I usually refuse to participate in. I secretly am afraid to hurt someone - and I get really angry when others blame me for their feelings - when I know how hard I try to protect them. guess I'm totaly wrong and I should just do what's best for me, like everybody else.

most often scenarios:
person asks me what I think of something.
I'm like: oh, do what you think is best. they: no, no; I want to know what you think.
me: what I think is not important; trust yourself. follow your dreams; respect your own choices.
yeah, well, but do you think? ..
well.. I think you really want to do this AND it's a bad idea, and if you do it, this and that will happen.

1. how can you say that?!? now you made me completely lose faith in myself.
2. they do it anyways. ends badly. how could you let me do it if you knew it would end like this?
3. they do it; happens exactly what I said it would. and it's my fault.
4. they don't do it. regret it. it's my fault.

if I send them to someone who can help them specifically, they don't go. I didn't really want to help.

aaarrr!

posted May 14, 2009 01:28 PM         

quote:

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is a placement often found in charts of powerful healers and reiki masters

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posted May 15, 2009 01:37 PM         

Green

I remember his blonde hair
it was a little spiky on top
and we used to joke
that he took longer than

a girl to get ready
when we all dressed up
to go dancing
and smiling
and flirting
and laughing

smelling like perfume or Polo
and Drakkar Noir

I remember he was quiet
The other boys were loud
and he was quiet
and gentle
and he followed them

We would go to the cemetery
and Jon would run
and scale
the walls and stone
like a streak of red
and Brad and Dan would creep off alone
and jump out to scare us
to death
smiling yellow smiles
And Tim would puff up a loyal and heroic blue and tell them
to take it easy on the girls
and Dominick or Mark would give us
a hot, fun wink
and Russell would sit
still
and alone
and quiet
on a lone wall by a mausoleum

or walk quietly toward the trees,
looking up at the stars
and his very stillness would
stop the youthful frenzied activity
of one of us, who would calmly walk
to his side, drawn to the
peaceful green of his being.

When they hung out at Jon’s house
they were all redder
wilder
more experimental
even Russell
who followed

I remember the afternoon
they told me
he was dead
that Jon held him in his arms

probably waiting too long to call the ambulance
the only time he was slow to do anything

that he held his head
his blonde spiky hair
and looked into his eyes
while he convulsed
and died

I remember we went to the funeral
without knowing or acknowledging his family
as if he was our family
immaturely unaware
in our own grief

Russell lay in the coffin
still
alone
and quiet

a sacrifice on the altar of youth

We all went to the cemetery
our cars creeping along the winding drives
that scaled the hills
and ran along the walls

between the stones
and when we arrived
at the burial
Jon boldly led us
around the stones
while Brad joked nervously to relieve the tension
and Tim hovered over the girls

we walked quietly toward the trees
and stood
surrounded by green
and as Russell’s family moved away from the coffin
our family advanced
calmly
drawn to the stillness
stopping our
frenzied
youthful
activity

long enough
to say
goodbye

We tossed memories and irreverent tokens
into the grave
to our friend

slips of paper
with words of love
lighters because he always somehow ended up with ours
condoms
because that was all they had left in their pockets
to give
“Good luck up there,” friend!

We traveled
home
Well, to Jon’s
lost in the unknown depths of our tender emotions
and confused by the barrage of thoughts and insights
that had invaded our minds

We sprayed each other with the garden hose
laughing until we cried
so glad to be alive
dancing in rainbows under the cool blue sky
and the red, yellow, and orange sun

as we trampled the green grass
beneath our feet
without noticing.

♥