posted July 15, 2009 08:23 PM         

i've had on and off sexual, and constant close friendship with this person. and after over 2 years of intensely knowing him and tolerating every faults he possesses (which can be incredibly bad, his misanthropic nature, pessimism, self-destractive attitude and self-victimising. he is intensely fault-loaded), i am at last at the threshold.

he does nice things to me, like letting me live in his flat for free when i have financial difficulties and helping me with government papers etc. but the way he treats me gets worse and worse because he's been very stressed (which can be just his own fault), while he can be very respectful and sweet to others, he neglects me (it's because of the familiarity, because we are so close) and implants me with self-consciousness. he abuses my forgiving attitude, without realising. i believe that he is ultimately lonely because of his tendencies, and he values my company, at the same time he dumps all his problems onto me as if i'm the source of it, to feel better. and today he did something that was the last thread. HE definitely needs to change something about his ways.

yet, i've never met anyone like him in my entire life. we are as if a set of twins. we get along with each other as if we were one person. we inspire each other. he is more than a friend, lover, brother, any of that. how often does that happen in one's life? and i know i am the only person in the entire universe, who can tolerate him to this degree. that is why, i feel a little hurt by how i am starting to feel now. "i want to get rid of him from my life because, while he greatly enriches my life, he also destroys me". since the moon eclipse this month, i suddenly feel very detached to him and that's a little unsettling.

i desperately want to know, is there any way i can save our relationship? or is it actually to my benefit to just detach and terminate my friendship with him? i need your insight into it. please help me...

here's our synastry, draconic synastry and composite with transit. also, our name asteroids are tightly in conjunct in his chart at his Vertex, and his name asteroids in my chart exactly conjunct that.

i highly appreciate any insight. i feel so sad about this. tell me if there are any asteroids i should include. thank you.

posted July 15, 2009 09:02 PM         

Your sag stellium is square his virgo stellium, so there's bound to be a lot of strife, but also a connection. Maybe you both like the strife.

Pluto is also going through his 12th, which is supposed to be really hard.

I can see why he's a bit touchy and morose right now.

posted July 15, 2009 09:14 PM         

and yes, this saturn is treating him especially roughly... at the end of last year his dad died. and his already mentally unstable mother became manic-depressive and calling him 10 times a day sometimes. his irresponsible brother leaving his financial situation to the mother and my friend while he lives luxuriously in the south of spain. and he had an unbelievably intrusive subletter who refused to pay rent and used the whole flat of his as if they owned it, and he became even more anti-social than usual.

posted July 15, 2009 09:15 PM         

I can certainly see from the synastry why you feel connected. And I agree that it's important to tell him how you expect to be treated, and to insist on being treated decently...BUT, with this guy's transits, I really think the best way you can salvage the relationship is to sort of let go and turn your energies elsewhere for a while...do some Saggie things like hiking somewhere beautiful or stargazing or having a bonfire with friends or studying deep philosophy or learning a new language or discussing deep philosophy in a new language with your friends around a bonfire. Let this guy be for a bit. If you spend time together, just try to enjoy the moment instead of getting it to be a certain way.

Don't try to sever OR cement the relationship till around September--take Anne Ortelee's eclipse advice and "go with the flow, let things go."

posted July 15, 2009 09:22 PM         

yes we have a lot of hard times because of all the squares (it's incredible how many squares we have), but at the same time we feel just as much connection with each other that we have virtually become inseparable (which can be good or bad). we go through a lot of things together in our lives. we also have projects together and often times room mates.

yea, so you don't think i should cut the cord... i can understand. do you think it actually benefits me to stay close friends with me beside the obvious things i see and feel?

and, can see when all the troubles will come to subside for my poor friend? he's suffered so much. and, is he capable of getting back up? sometimes i feel that he'll forever stay at the bottom forever...

posted July 15, 2009 10:25 PM         

quote:

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late august ot september will probably be intolerable as his dominating streak will come out forcefully.

---

Yikes. Well, you don't want to endure that!

posted July 16, 2009 06:37 AM         

what you said are mostly true, todd, and that Saturn Jupiter opposition being our chart rulers, i believe things will always stay that way (non-committing).

his physical demands are not too much in a conventional sense... but he always "decides" to resume or stop our sexual practice, without really explaining why. it really bothers me. but i'm also free to go sleep with others, which i do at times but also it's not so easy when we are already kind of like a couple.

and alcohol... it's not yet a problem maybe, but he tends to drink a lot to forget his difficulties. he's not an alcoholic though. when he's drunk he tends to show his very irresponsible side.

and there are times he does things without consideration and that hurts my feelings. i do feel that there IS a pattern of emotional domination. but despite all that, good side of our friendship overweighs much more than the bad side. but when things are bad, as this time, i do start thinking of separating myself so not to let him "abuse" me emotionally (which of course he does without knowing/meaning to).

things were very good still till early/mid-april. then it got worse and worse... august and september sounds like hell. i have to do something about that and try to distance myself. but does it mean the end? will there be no way to topple the pattern and go on as before when his hard times are over?

quote:

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some relationships have a complicated connection to your life's path and purpose even if they are not and never ought to be a conventional romance

---

posted July 16, 2009 06:54 AM         

Excerpt:

posted July 16, 2009 09:46 AM         

i thought of finding an actual boyfriend so to get myself off from him a little bit, but at the moment i am so not interested in starting a new relationship. i went with a guy last month but even the thought of someone liking me isn't really working out for me. oh dear.

-----
i did a tarot reading... (it's a cross spread with the present card in the middle)

present (general trend) - XVIII Moon
past (what still influences) - XV Devil
future - 2 of Cups
reason (hidden impulse) - 6 of Swords
potential (what is possible in the given situation) - Night of Swords

posted July 16, 2009 10:15 AM         

he is not a bad person at all. he can't even kill a mosquito (me neither). he wants to be good to everyone, and hopes that everyone is happy, and somehow has this strange twisted concept that he is in charge of it. and he hates to be in charge of it, because he wants to take care of himself. but Yin, it's funny that you bring that up, "you can't save the world, save yourself". that was exactly what i think about him. in fact he is using this as an excuse for his lack of motivation to change. mixed with things like his father's death and mother's psychological issues, he convinces himself that everyone needs his help and destroys his world. it's very twisted. and i cannot help him anymore.

posted July 16, 2009 01:05 PM         

And with those transits, he probably won't, and he probably won't "see his mistake", not because he does not care about you and the friendship, but just because the world looks and feels very different right now from inside his life than it does from inside yours.

You seem to feel a great sense of urgency to either painfully sever this friendship, declaring, "We're doomed!" OR to "fix" it right NOW this very second. Because of how his transits and the eclipse energy are effecting him, that will not be possible, right NOW.

When you're coming from a place of love, joy, and looking out for your own happiness, you'll see this and everything much, much more clearly...maybe that is when the healing 2 of Cups will come into play.

Right now, you want to take yourself away to make him realize that he is losing something--which is about control, not about love, compassion, or joy. And you are dressing up that (very natural and understandable!) need and desire as something other than what it is--as trying to take care of him or rescue him. When actually, you want to prove a point.

THe Moon is such a deceptive and self-deceptive card...there are big elements of fear and fantasy there. You have to (brutally) cut through any lies you might be telling yourself (the Knight of Swords energy is good for this--making a change by getting to the point.)

Stop trying to live out his emotional life on his behalf--that is a form of control, not love--and instead really OWN UP to what you want. Your post is headed "I'm losing something important," but when someone suggests you give this complicated friendship a bit of breathing room, you say, "We're doomed, right? But if I sever this, what if he feels like it's just my loss?" If it was really about saving the friendship, you'd WANT to give it space while it's not making you happy. But what you REALLY want is for him to see and declare how important you are to him--which is fine and natural, but just own it. Don't deceive yourself about it.

I think the Moon is about how you want something different out of this relationship, but you are too afraid and anxious and worried about rejection to own up--EVEN TO YOURSELF--about wanting it. So instead of clearly stating what you want, and/or taking a step outside of yourself and seeing that it might be a time to focus on other things while he struggles with his own ordeals, you're planning a kind of THe Moon approach...cutting him off so he'll see how important you are, even though you're scared he won't see that.

Once you really have your own inner self clear in terms of what you want and why, that's when I think that Moon energy will be displaced by the Two of Cups.

posted July 16, 2009 01:44 PM         

I agree with what Pire and others have said. Since we're going through somewhat similar situations, I would say just ride it out, and see what happens afterwards. He's going through a tough time right now and his mind might be a little bit clouded and everything may look "different" to him (as others have pointed out). Therefore, he may not be able to see how valuable you are. Wait until all this crazy eclipse/transit energy has died down a bit. That's probably what I'm going to do as well.

posted July 16, 2009 01:58 PM         

but it's really not about that... i said "we are doomed" in reaction to Nine's comment about 1s and 8s. (dont you think it sounds doomed?? ) it's not what i generally think.

i don't wonder if i should "sever" the relationship or not, i don't want to sever it. i am wondering if it is still possible to rescue the friendship, or if just letting it die as it seems at the moment and then it is actually good for me if i get rid of this friendship.

and no, if i "sever", i do not believe he will "chase" after me, that is not the sort of thing he does anyway so i don't expect that. i don't really wonder if he'll regret it. i know for sure he won't. he's the "life-goes-on" kind of person. if i "sever", it's over, and that is what's tormenting me because i don't want to.

i hope i didn't sound too defensive. and i didn't disrespect what you wrote, Lucia. I really appreciate you read what i wrote and give me your opinion, it makes me feel really encouraged. i'm just wondering how i can save it, mainly. i don't want to play games. and i know it's not at all a time for games, for him, too. and of course naturally i hope to know that he cares about me, but he is in no state of mind to care for anyone else. and although he treats me with disrespect at times, i know i am very important to him, we have this friendship and we have lived our lives together, that's the proof. but you cannot always be treated un-nicely even when you know the person cares.

i will of course not change things RIGHT NOW, but i have to start something. i feel that things cannot stand still anymore, and i want to prepare what direction i am directing myself in this problem.

and 2 of cups... yes it showed up in the spread and it instantly made me sceptical, as i said already. it seems out of place, even if we consider ourselves as any sort of a couple, "romantic" isn't the word we apply to ourselves. but perhaps, it just means that there'll be harmony again.

but anyway, i think i took every one's insight and settled with the idea that i "drift" away a little. we both need space. what i am concerned now is how long he is going to stay there. because, i care about him and i want his suffering to last short. i want him to be happy. so that when i judge that i can again "drift" back, we can just continue on our very precious friendship as before. we've survived several other crisis before. just this time it feels a little different, and it makes me nervous.

posted July 16, 2009 01:59 PM         

For those of us who are not the most patient natally (Leo here), it can be quite challenging to ride out that energy. That's why there are all these posts on LL right now where people are ending relationships or cheating before they quite end the relationship. No one can just calmly hold on and take stock.

posted July 16, 2009 02:05 PM         

thank you for the encouragement, everyone. i really just worry for him now, i can go on doing my own things and detach from the relationship, but he cannot get away from this terrible phase he's going through.

he has,
-grown considerabe amount of white hair
-worsened his permanent dark eye circles
-been drinking alone more
-his insomniac worsen
-constant anxieties
-his anti-social tendency has driven him to lock up without ever coming out of the room forever