posted May 16, 2014 11:48 PM            

Urgently, as I have to act in 2 days.

As the subject states, my Twin Flame, with whom I share a lengthy, complicated history, is going to be in town this Sunday; it will have been a little over 2 years since we saw each other.

He's made it clear, in no uncertain terms, he wants me to meet him for lunch. That's unusual. He's typically evasive and avoidant like me.

I have no idea why the urgency or insistence.

Suffice it to say, we've both hurt each other deeply; I did so unintentionally; he chose to bury his pain and react unpredictably.

One thing I thought we'd never lose was our bizarrely intense communication. From our meeting in 2006 until I distanced myself in 2013, we were in constant contact. Despite circumstances, or the sorts of obstacles that deter most others. (Anyone sane, if you ask me.)

Our circumstantially platonic relationship which had periods of romantic pursuit, plans, and degrees of commitment, proved to carry a history with too great a weight for a 'casual relationship' - the likes of which is now situationally most logical.

At the realisation, he lashed out. I withdrew. We didn't think it'd tank the friendship - after all, we remained best friends, despite it all. But it did. For me, it had.

That was 17 January 2013. By March, I'd decided to break communication. The emotional games were too much. I wrote him a long, heartfelt email, explaining actions that had appeared cryptic. I was painfully honest; I told him that I loved him.

He didn't reply - but I suppose I'd come across that I hadn't wanted him to, rather than simply saying, 'don't respond if you're just going to hurt me again.' He didn't stop trying to contact me, either, though. I'd never answer.

It grew tiresome. He kept trying. I'd try and psych myself into talking to him; rarely, I'd actually manage it, and answer. It would be like nothing had changed, for those few hours. I'd remember how wonderful it was, having him in my life. We'd make plans for the future - and never dare talk about the past.

That would wear on me, no matter how much I contributed to avoiding any hint of a serious discussion. He broke my heart. Betrayed me. Made me feel abandoned. His reasons didn't matter. I wasn't opening myself up for that again.

I also realised, over time, I couldn't be friends, either.

I'd flat out lost my best friend because I'd fallen in love with him, too. Years before. But I hadn't HAD to lose him until ... then.

Fast-forward to this year, and I know he's angry. He stopped calling completely 1 April, leaving a voicemail responding to a rather dramatic status update I'd made, expressing my discovery I was simply depressed, and that's why nothing seemed or felt right, and I needed everyone to give me space.

It was a heartfelt voicemail. I remember it brought me to tears. I felt him really trying. But ....

I couldn't do it. Luckily, he didn't call again.

... Until yesterday.

But, let's rewind.

A couple of weeks in March proved a wonderful, yet distant, time for our communication. Facebook had become my medium for dealing with him, and we were not only congenial, but genuinely enthusiastic with each other.

That changed suddenly late April.

Inexplicably, he grew antagonistic. He ignored the one text I sent him of encouragement I felt he needed - perhaps because I'd been having what seemed to be his panic attacks for the past week? (It sounds insane, but I have no other rational explanation at this point.) The combination of blatant, overt provocation, stream of criticism and argumentation with his ignoring my attempt at slightly more personal contact was it for me.

I realised, after 8 years, I was actually done. Now, I'd already quit taking his calls, and we hadn't texted each other (with any regularity) since that January 2013. I'd already relegated everything to Facebook; oddly enough, online communication. The medium in which we began. Full circle, I guess.

I was really out of options then. There wasn't really any other level to pare down to.

After that, it's just ... nothing. Maybe the occasional email. I kept debating on sending him one. Clean. Closure. ... Something like that.

Instead, he calls me. I text him back a short while later enquiring if it was in error.

He responds that, no, he's in town. But only for a few more hours.

And he wants me to meet him for lunch, as he'll be returning to my city then, Sunday.

I know very little details, even as we spoke on the phone briefly. Best I can tell, (which his mother confirmed) he's travelling with his four coworkers / friends (and he's a very private person; not a social type) and I'm sure they've got to be present at the restaurant - otherwise what sense does that make?

But it doesn't change his adamance in seeing me.

Now, I've had one very thoughtful response to my query of 'what on earth? I oust him from my life and now he's on my bloody doorstep? WHAT?' which stated this:

He and I both are having what the Magi call Heartbreak Clashes; tSATURN is opposite and widely contraparallel my nCHIRON; it's also contraparallel his (nCHIRON).

She's told me that things will not turn out well for me here. Needless to say, that's very ominous!

No doubt, we both have a great deal of healing to do - and the way this day, 18 May 2014, (outside of coming to me in a meditation) affects our composite is ... a bit mind-boggling.

But I don't want to emerge from my bunker just to get blown to bits. Again. Strangely, I don't get the sense that he's trying to do that. No one else does, either.

I also can't say why the insistence. Perhaps it is actually driven by a fear he was losing me entirely. It's not out of the question. But it IS uncharacteristic. To be THAT candid. To be THAT clear about wanting to see me.

What's the overall take home here?

Should I meditate on going in with a truly open heart without any expectations?

Or am I already at the end of a loaded barrel? In which case, shouldn't I just continue my work of letting go and grieving?

Sure, I can now say with total honesty that I want him to be the happiest he can be and see his dreams realised, period. But it's another thing to not be a part of any of it. Hence, my being too gun-shy to stick around afterwards.

I've been managing by keeping my heart protected, you know? It's open to others now. But I haven't been able to let myself really FEEL with or about him since.

Here's our synastries with Sunday:

posted May 17, 2014 06:03 AM            

Go with your instinct. If you want to see him, simply do so. Twins always have to see each other in person, for reassurance. LD is never the same.

posted May 17, 2014 06:09 AM            

I have been going through a heartbreak clash myself for the last 3 weeks or so, and it was not nice.

WEll in my case it was a looped one and making lanetary geometry with my Moon and Chiron. Actually Tr Saturn is heading towards the square to my Moon again, 2 degrees applying.

The quinkunx to my natal Chiron, while still within a degre, is separating for now, and honestly I could feel it ease off very quickly after the peak.

Well I will have to go through it in july-september again, one last time for this round.

The last 3 weeks were no fun, no, not at all.
To be honest especially the week after the 29th april, I do not really remember much, or just as some surreal distorted muddy emotional swampness and numbness.

However, Tr Neptune is at 7 Pisces, and therefore was squaring my natal ASC exactly (and yes I will have to go through this one again, too) and that foggy emotional numbness is is very symbolic of how Neptune can act in chalenging transits.
Combine that with the harsh Saturn-Transit, and it is like having the Dark-night-of-the soul experience from the 90` s all over again, it felt very similiar in the quality of emotion, just the intensity was different, or actually my response to it was different this time. Instead of weakening me, it sort of felt like I discovered some hidden strength I did not know was in there still.

I do associate this more with the combination of the Neptune and Saturn square to my ASC and Moon, than with the Heartbreak-clash, though this one is no fun either!

BUT I will say this, when I was in London in the beginning of that year, my heartbreak clash peaked for the first time, and I was having the time of my life (well mostly. lol).
There was no hearttache, unless we count leaving London and missing to go to the theatre every day, and missing my friend and London. But there was no real hearttache, cause I knew I would be back.
And curiously whnever I saw Jude on stage, Tr Saturn was doing a number on my natal Chiron.

In 2009 it was making a Yod with my Moon-Chiron-sextile, right on the midpoint. lol Quinkunx natal Moon and natal Chiron.

Interesintly in 2011 there was no heartbreak clash as I see (well there would be one later that year, as Tr Saturn was heading towards opposing n Chiron, but at that time it was still over 7 degrees away, and I honestly feel transits the strongest within about a degree applying).

Interestingly on that occasion when there was NO heartbreak clash for a change when seeing him, leaving London, the evening after the last performance, the pain was excruciating. I didn`t know before i was capable of experiencing such exquisite emotional torment, to the point that I was unable to do anything at all and left our geting back to the hotel to my friend. I was hardly aware of my surroundings, though I remember the capdriver trying to talk to us, because my state of mind was obviously very noticeable even to him and he seemed concerned. an english Capdriver, they NEVER talk to passengers.
This memory shows me just how desolate I msut have been, though I do not quite remember it.

And yet, while this was the most painful ever, NO heartbreak clash in the sky.

But I had one when seeing him this year, and as I said, I felt vulnerable yes, and very realistic even though it was stinging, but there was no such emotional heartbreak, just acceptance.

Which is why I think that at least for me the heartbreak clash is not ncessearily always the peak of pain, even though no walk in the park. But it feels more like exhausting inner work than anything else.

Tr Saturn to my Moon or even worse, yes, WORSE than that, to my Neptune or NN is a different matter.
And Tr Neptune squaring Mars or aSC is no fun either. It makes me feel numb and like being pulled into a swamp and not being able to breathe freely. Like I am choking in mud and fog.

So I do not think that the magis are always right about the Heartbreak clash, but of course we should pay attention, and how I experience it is a facing with reality, and that can be painful on its own, because Saturn will make you make choices, decisions, and these will affect your most vulnerable side. Somehow all weak spots will e drawn out into the light and examined, and then if there has to be a cut, it will be made.

So I think this meeting might be pivotal and decisive into what role he is having in your life for the next time period, it doesn`t say what kind of part though.
Maybe it will even bring you closer, if you can cut through the crap, be very very emotionally honest, without regard to personal Ego trips or that you might hurt each other.
Sometimes the wound has to be burned out to be cleared and given a real chance of healing.

posted May 17, 2014 06:30 AM            

Heading towards your DESC, of course that could bring a soulmate/ twinflame, a spritual partner into your life, but there is also the challenge of. are you really seeing clearly now?
Maybe you do, relating to the spiritual truth, but it miht not be the same than a physical truth.
There could be confusion. also seeing what you want to see, or reverse, seeing issues more exaggerated than they really are (I can΄t believe he hates you btw. But then the idea of hate feels very foreign to me anyway).

Tr Neptune also squares your IC and MC, eroding some roots, and possibly affecting your family life and how you will proceed with your life in a broader sense.
It doesn`t square any of your planets I suppose that is a good thing after all. lol

For him Tr Neptune squares his n Moon, that doesn`t bode too well for his clarity in emotional matters. He might be utterly confused and feeling like everything he feels an emotional attachment or connection to just fizzles away, dissolves into nothing.
Of course that opens up the chance for him to find out what REALLY matters to him emotionally.

It sems he is having his Saturn-Return, too, and of course that is one of the most significant times in a life, and he is going to re-model his life. Some things will definitely have to fall away from his life, and he will have to take on more responsibility for his life.

posted May 17, 2014 07:21 AM            

try to relax and don't panic, if your connection is strong, no matter the nature of it, the story must take its course.

you've already gone through a lot with this relationship, you are strong now and ready to face anything.

what I see here: if the meeting is to take place, a heartfelt meeting, lots of Psyche contacts standing out in both charts. the transit is in tune with your synastry, a Mercurial, outer planets connection, more like a meeting of the minds. Mercury Saturn from your synastry and other Mercury aspects will be there. I think this is what you should emphasize if you meet him, in a loving manner, the mental-communication connection you have, what you have in common. An intelligent connection.

For him, the impact of the possible meeting is much stronger. I see some pain involved for both of you, for him bordering on physical (Chiron opens 2nd house). Planets much more aligned with his chart. Some sort of closure for him, Atropos right on vertex, Sun on vertex karma mdp, Sun on NN. Maybe the closure of this distant phase between you, maybe moving to another stage, maybe an end. All in tune with the Saturn return. Possibility for fights in both charts with all the Mars aspects on Juno, Sun/Juno mdp, Mars opp Sun in your chart, Mars square Sun in his. Feelings will not be entirely shown by neither party though, that's what I think, and I also think the best course is to keep the meeting "intelligent". Hope it helps.

posted May 17, 2014 10:40 AM            

I sense that this isn't necessarily about closure, and also that you won't be blown to bits, but that there will be some info that will blow your mind. I think that's why you are afraid, and also afraid of a new beginning - whichever that may be.

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
...hoping for the best for you and him with this meeting💙

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posted May 17, 2014 04:26 PM            

I do wonder if the Chironic presence isn't to be expected, with our composite CHIRON being conjunct ALGOL in 7H. The fact that the SUN was conjunct it when he called me, and will still be 2° on it tomorrow seems telling. It's 'illuminating'.

Interestingly, OSIRIS is travelling with the SUN, and both will be conjunct his AMOR-NNODE.

There are many linkages, actually:

• His CHIRON is conjunct the SUN/ALMA.
• ISIS-AMOR are trine his VESTA and my SUN.
• He's having a VESTA Return, nearly exact.
• The NNODE is conjunct his UNION, exactly, as well as our composite SATURN-PLUTO-LUST-ATLANTIS, which is a heavy hitter in the 12H.
• KARMA is 3° off of his SUN, and conjunct our composite EROS-NEPTUNE.
• PSYCHE/EROS = his ASC and my VX, 2°.

The fact that PLUTO, EROS, and the MOON are travelling together is, I think, noteworthy. That sounds like some very psychologically heavy stuff.

If anything were to blow my mind at this point, it'd be his independently confirming for me that he's had experiences akin to mine. THAT would be truly incredible.

But ... seems unlikely.

Still, there's quite a lot going on here.

SUN on ALGOL might typically seem like an awful thing with two people having a Heartbreak Clash, and somesuch. But, to me, it makes some sense, given where our composite CHIRON is.

It affects our whole composite, too, being opposite the ASC, SUN, MOON, JUPITER, VALENTINE, URANUS, MERCURY ... quite a lot!

posted May 18, 2014 03:56 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by LeeLoo2014:
How is your progressed composite with transits? It should tell you a lot.

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Honestly, LeeLoo, nothing jumped out at me.

But then I looked at it in comparison to tomorrow.

(Progressed Composite)

(18 May 2014)

Oops. I put in UNION and lost OSIRIS.

posted May 18, 2014 11:33 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by LeeLoo2014:
It's hard for me to look at it like that, I would have preferred the progressed composite in astro.com with the option "with transits" for the day and time of the meeting.

Good luck, Indigo, take it easy and keep us posted!

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Ah, I didn't even think of that. Forgive me, the hour was late, and it hadn't occurred to me to do that.

posted May 18, 2014 12:03 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Ah, I didn't even think of that. Forgive me, the hour was late, and it hadn't occurred to me to do that.

Actually, I'm not even seeing how to do this. I can see the progressed composite, but no option to add transits.

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When you are already in "progressed composite" with the chart before you, under Back to the chart selection, you see in blue "with transits"

Above the astrodienst logo, above the chart

You can do the same with the regular composite as well, there must be something there too