posted May 04, 2009 01:20 PM         

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message.
I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. It was not cold, but I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for Christmas, and we picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you left your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I didn't want your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.
I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explained your situation. I bought myself and four other people in the gas station a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motorhome took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a pink "pimpmobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the driver side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I got in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really ****** and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number). I'd like to apologize for not killing you, and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I hope you'll reconsider your choice of path in life.
Next time you might not be so lucky.

posted May 05, 2009 01:57 PM         

I don't have a CL add but I do have a story from one cop show... (the Taurus three dots_ )

Turns out she pulled into her own driveway. She had recently argued with her estranged husband, wanted to be shot, have it on the news, so her husband would feel guilty.