posted July 10, 2009 10:42 AM         

MY Darling Daughter, texted me last night to tell me she went to the doctor and she is pregnant.

Where to start?

Let's see, she just graduated in may.
She doesn't have a job.
She doesn't really "live" any certain place. Meaning she has stuff here, stuff at my step dad, and stuff at her boyfriends.

She wanted to take the summer "off", and do nothing, besides a bit of travel before college in the fall.
I wasn't crazy about it, but what could I do, she's 18.

After she turned 18, she refused to take her birth control shot anymore, but yeah, convinced me she was using other precautions.

I feel like she did this on purpose so she doesn't have to go to school and doesn't have to get a job.

She goes to these baby showers of her other friends and is always commenting on the babies, how cute they are, what they wear, blah, blah, blah. Having no clue the reality of it.

I know what the statistics say. I feel like she is doomed. That now, she will never go anywhere in life.
It hurts so bad to think you might have done something wrong as a parent to mislead them or misguide them somehow.

I didn't have her until I was 24 years old. It wasn't planned either but, I had a job, a place to live, a car. So did her father.
She was a very welcome and wanted little surprise.
And then we had two more.
Why didn't she learn from the financial struggle she was around? She's a smart girl?

posted July 10, 2009 11:17 AM         

So give yourself a hug for being such a GREAT MUM!

As far as the pregnancy, geez Gypsy its tough and i wouldn't wanna judge except to say that if it were my daughter i'd persuade her to have a termination because of the circumstances. Life is hard enough growing up and establishing ones place in the big wide world alone, let alone with a child.

posted July 10, 2009 11:31 AM         

The first thoughts that come to my mind is to try to accept it for what it is and think about there being no mistakes in life. To find ways to see it as a blessing?

This is a tough one.

She will have a long road ahead of her and have to put her life on hold, but this happens often and her life is not ruined. It's possible that it could be the best thing to have happened, even though it doesnt look that way now. Since it's "here" I think everyone has to deal with it by living with it in the present and finding ways to look at it positively.

I'm not sure what to say.....wish I had the answers. I'll think about it some more and come back. I can only imagine how youre all feeling...how the reality of it all has struck you.

posted July 10, 2009 11:45 AM         

She won't consider termination or adoption. I asked her. I already knew the answer, but I wanted to throw some options her way.

I just mourn for the end of her childhood.
There are so many things she will probably never experince now.
She just does not seem to comprehend the enormity of the situation!

When you have children you seek to break the cycle of what has come before, you hope to take it one step farther in making yours better than what you were. You know?

I'm sure we will all adjust, I mean that is the way life goes, you adjust. Right now, it is just a mass of confusion and feelings.

posted July 10, 2009 11:49 AM         

all i can say is i have been there you are not too long ago and in a few months you will probobly come around a bit. it isn't the end of the world, its a baby. the first time you see that little face you fall in love like never before. that i promise.

i am not thrilled at some of my sons choices either.

i know exactly how you feel, as i was really upset for quite awhile. anyway i understand your emotions and promise you it will get better.

posted July 10, 2009 02:43 PM         

Thanks guys. I know I will love him or her. Thats not even a question. It's my daughter I am concerned about.
My son and I both dreamt she was pregnant on the same night a month ago.
It occured to me last night, that we probably dreamt it when the baby was being conceived.
Some times being a close family with some psychic ability is a bit much....

My daughters placements are this:

wait..ahh
I've misplaced her chart! It's not in my files of family charts.
Well, she was born:

posted July 14, 2009 10:39 AM         

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

posted July 14, 2009 12:33 PM         

but the fact is that not too long ago 19 was not considered all that young to be a mom, in fact if you hadn't started by 21 you were considered slow!! so maybe our kids are just reverting? my inlaws were 20 when they had their first, and still together at 75 with 3 kids and 7 grandchildren, all doted on. they never meant to get married!

and when her babe is 18 she won't even be 40! maybe this will help her get a BETTER career at an age when she is mentally, physically and emotionally at her prime. till then she can experiment with different ways of making a living for herself and her child, going to school, whatever. "necessity is the mother of invention" they say...being a mom teaches so many life skills you can't get in school!

posted July 15, 2009 03:57 AM         

Whether it was purposeful so she doesn't have to "work" or an "accident", those of us who are parents know that parenting is real work - and it's a lifetime commitment, certainly not a 9 to 5 option. She'll learn, she'll grow.

You've done your best and if you know that, then the opinion of anyone doesn't count - especially people who want to judge you on the offset anyhow. Don't worry about those people who aren't of value to you. Look after and love you and yours.

Cpn hits it, I think, that you'll fall in love at first sight.

posted July 15, 2009 04:40 AM         

I can imagine how overwhelming this is...after all, your daughter, with all her real life circumstances, is going to be a first-time mom!!!

I wish you both strength, faith, hope.

Like T said, I wish I had the right answers, but I don't.

D

------------------
Every night and every morn,
Some to misery are born;
Every morn and every night,
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.

posted July 15, 2009 07:37 AM         

Your baby's baby will be beautiful. Raise him or her with love. They will adore you and their mum.

Please don't be sad or angry. Please celebrate this person that is on their way.

We all have challenges and struggles, whether they are created(?) by children or not.

What is age? Your daughter may 'grow up' quickly very soon, or she may already be maturing inside. There are fabulous young mums as there are defunct older mums.

What's 6 years anyway, in terms of the age difference of you having a child? In 6 years, I'll be hitting 50, and 6 years ago I was in my 30's. Time is irrelevant because it goes so quickly. If you think about the average life expectancy - it's only about 80 trips around the Sun.

Most people have children. It happens, but please don't make your daughter feel bad about this. She is going to be a mother. She now deserves to be honoured for this new important role.

She may be feeling scared about what is happening to her body.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but in terms of her father not speaking to her....well, that's a load of trollop. He has kids and loves them. Who is he to punish her with a bad mood because she's having a kid? Why on earth is he angry at her?????

Does her father have inner resentment over having children of his own???? Does he not enjoy the beauty of his own children? Does he see them as an object to get angry over? Is he suffering from jealousy that another man got that physically close? He needs to leave his anger elsewhere.....

When a man has periods, he then qualifies to feel 'any' emotion over pregnancy.

She has not let her father down. That's a sad thing to place on a women facing motherhood for the first time - Hey how about she doesn't let the new grandchild speak to her father when he/she learns how to talk; or we could ask her father to go and show anger at another pregnant woman - see how silly and pointless it is!

As I said, I hope I don't offend you in anyway, but let's get a grip on what is really happening. A child is on its way!

posted July 15, 2009 07:51 AM         

Please tell koi that she is indeed being daft.

***wipes tear from eye***

posted July 15, 2009 11:05 AM         

quote:

---

Your baby's baby will be beautiful. Raise him or her with love. They will adore you and their mum.

Please don't be sad or angry. Please celebrate this person that is on their way.

---

I agree too. Celebrate them because on some level the child knows if they were not wanted or if the mother feels her life was ruined.

In my case, my mother had us because she thought it would keep my father sticking around and them together. It didnt work out that way and she resented us when he took off and we had to pay the price.

posted July 15, 2009 11:24 AM         

Gypsee, my heart goes out to you. I was also a difficult (for lack of a better word) daughter; my mother has said on more than one occasion that her motto for parenting me was "There but for the grace of God go I."

It's quite possible that your daughter doesn't truly understand the sacrifices she'll have to make as a mother. I know I certainly didn't, and I was 25 when I got pregnant. It quite nearly took me down, and I was an adult. Is there any way to explain that kind of transformation to someone who is childless and have them understand it? I don't know if there is- I ignored the wisdom too.

posted July 16, 2009 12:21 PM         

Yes, Koi, some of the things you said about him are true. He is just a rigid person and fears change, but once he is on board, he is quite devoted.
What you said was lovely, btw, and thank you.

As we speak she is asleep in my bed, as she has wanted her "mommy" for a few days now.

I wanted to clear up the assistance part, I think Hippichick may have misunderstood me.
I never had assistance when my children were born.
In fact, that is the very reason for my terrible credit to this day.
I had regular insurance, and very UN-regular deliveries.
My second child and I both almost died during the 35 hours that it took me to get him here. Then we had emergency c-section.
I had to have transfusions, his lung was collapsed, we stayed in the hospital for over a week.
My bill was over 10 thousand dollars AFTER insurance paid their portion.

In my state, if you receive any type of welfare benefits you must work for it, unless you are disabled, which she is not.
So, once she has had her first OBGYN appt and is deemed healthy, she has the option to find a job, or she will be given one.
Usually they put you to work sorting through bags of donations at the Goodwill.

Either way, you have to work to have the medical portion paid for.
So THAT part I am happy about because, I think that is where some growing up will come into play.
She has worked at McDonald's before, but it made her school work slip so bad, that I let her quit when she asked me if she could. I was focused on getting her through high school.
Also, as I am told by others, they will guide her through the process of getting some sort of trade training, which I am all for as well.
She says she wants to work with teenagers in the criminal justice sector of the law.
She will need some college credits for this. I already checked it out and our community college has a Criminal Justice program. That is a start.

Lord have mercy, I have to hold my tongue with the names this child is coming up with!
I just smile and nodd, and think "uhh, she's gonna change her mind, like fifty times right?"

Thank you for your "feeling" that everything is going to work out good, T, I take feelings and impressions quite seriously, so that is a good omen!

posted July 17, 2009 12:18 PM         

I hope things are becoming a bit clearer as the days progress. From what I know of you here, I have no doubt that your daughter has been raised with strength, wisdom, and a good dose of humor, which I think is the secret ingredient to survival.

It's not what you expected, but it is what it is and I know you'll make the best of it. I'm sorry that your hopes for your daughter's future have taken a detour. Give yourself time and space to acknowledge and work through this.

Most of all, good luck to ALL of you!! You have much to celebrate.

P.S. for Lara~

Your words aren't the easiest to accept and probably harder still to put forth, but I'm so glad that you've chosen to speak openly and honestly about your experience. The truth is that sometimes that is the reality, and it's a tough reality that we as a society find difficult to support for so many reasons.

Also, I'm so impressed that we can generally handle things like that at LL with tolerance and integrity, whether or not we agree. As I read through this it didn't escape me that, were you to say that almost anywhere else, all h#ll would have broken loose.

I've shared a very similar experience.